Thoughts From a Mind

Moving

2011-12-06T11:23:00.001-05:00

I'm officially moving and hope you will come with me! I'm sharing my stories over at Newlywed Tales!

Stop by and say hi!

http://www.newlywedtales.com/

New!

2011-05-24T10:30:00.002-04:00

I decided I needed a new blog for a new chapter! Visit me

at http://www.sneakyseconds.blogspot.com/

I'll likely still post here a bit, but I felt like I needed a new blog as I embark on the crazy journey of marriage, (hopefully someday) parenting and life in Jersey!

Brokeback Diamond

2011-05-23T09:50:00.001-04:00

R and I recently went back to the jeweler who designed my engagement ring to choose a wedding band design. We settled on a lovely thin princess cut infinity band and placed our order. The jeweler then asked if I wanted him to clean and tighten up my engagement ring, so I handed it to him for a quick tune up. He immediately sits down and says, I hate to tell you this, but you broke a diamond.

I WHAT????

I have a 3 stone princess cut engagement ring and somehow one of the side stones got a crack on it inside. I had noticed it had turned cloudy, but I assumed it was just dirty. Apparently when you break a diamond, that's what happens, it doesn't necessarily chip, but it loses its clarity. THANKFULLY my ring is 100% insured so we were able to get it fixed immediately. Unfortunately it means I have to be ring-less for a week.

Anyone else have a traumatic wedding or engagement ring story to share?

Hi there. Remember me?

2011-05-19T10:00:00.001-04:00

I took a little unplanned hiatus, but I'm feeling the bloggy itch again so here I am.

What have I been up to? A LOT of wedding planning, cooking, couponing and weight GAINING. Also I got an iphone.

Ok I think you are all caught up now!

Next up: why I'm not wearing my engagement ring this week.

Wedding Update

2011-03-04T17:47:00.001-05:00

Wedding plans continue!! Let's see so far we have:

-Booked the venue and the church

-Found a wedding weekend coordinator (who I LOVE, but wish she was slightly more responsive to emails...it's my SINGLE (I swear!) bridezilla thing.

- I've purchased my dress, shoes, jewelry and hair accessories

- We have an invitation mock-up and bought most of the elements for them (I'm designing them myself) and found a calligrapher

- Booked a photographer and hair/make-up artist

-Purchased the bridesmaid gifts

- The little things: unity candle done, blingy hoodie done, save the dates sent, card box made, escort cards bought, table number holders bought, candlesticks for centerpieces bought

- Flowers designed and florist booked

- Band booked (was a gift from his family)

-Day after brunch booked and menu planned

Still to go:

- Wedding bands. I've purchased his (THREE TIMES NOW since we can't get the size right. Fingers crossed (so to speak) that the one that came today fits his finger so this can get crossed off)

- Cake

- Choose menu

- Rehearsal dinner location

- The guys attire

-The guys gifts

- Painting the aisle runner (our wedding has a monogram theme and I'm painting our monogram on the aisle runner)

-Origami flowers to decorate the church...half are done, but we took a folding break. Need to get back on that.

-Design the ceremony (readings, music, etc.)

-Rent chairs for reception (theirs are ugly)

-Favors

8 months to go! Hope the time DOESN'T fly! I have so much left to do!!!

As always you can visit us at http://trippingdowntheaisle.weebly.com/ to stalk our plans!

Taxes Fail

2011-02-24T13:25:00.001-05:00

I've always done my taxes on my own. Old school style: pencil, forms and calculator. I loathed the idea of paying someone to do something I could figure out on my own (my taxes have always been ridiculously straightforward, no deductions or anything). Last year I changed jobs and changed states and it's just been too hard to figure out, so today I sucked it up and dropped my papers off at H&R Block. I stupidly feel a sense of failure/defeat and am annoyed they don't make it so a normal person can figure this stuff out! I even tried doing it in Turbo Tax but couldn't figure it out. Ah well, it's my one solace that this year is the LAST YEAR I'll be filing on my own. Next year I'll be a married girl and taxes fall under R's domain!

Speaking of R's domain....we had a possum fall into our backyard garbage can and get stuck! Apparently he was a happy camper in there because even when R tipped the can over so he could run out, he stayed in there! R tapped on the can, turned it all the way over even tried putting food in front of the can, but that little guy would NOT come out! Finally he wandered out without a care in the world and kind of looked at us like "what?". He didn't even run away or anything! The nerve!

Sore

2011-02-14T14:29:00.001-05:00

I finally was able to hit the gym again post-MRSA flare and BOY am I sore! Mostly just in the arms, but I discovered an ab machine I like and while at the time it seems easy! What a nice way to stretch my back! The day after is BRUTAL.

Wedding plans continue though I'm at a lovely time right now where I've done everything that NEEDS to be done before 9 months out, plus caught up on some of the other misc. things that need to be done, so I have nothing to stress out about getting done and nothing really looming for awhile that NEEDS immediate attention so I've just been relaxing and not really thinking too much about it. I think they key to non-stress planning for me is going to be to do a big chunk, then take a break,enjoy just being with Raf and spending time together, then do a chunk, relax and reconnect.

Our superbowl/engagement party was SO much fun. None of us cared too much about the game (sorry SeekingSolace!) so it was pretty relaxed. I made some GOOD food (homemade (turkey) bagel dogs...YUM FREAKING YUM), a veggie stocked pasta salad, wings and everyone ate drank and had a good time.

A month

2011-02-08T10:04:00.001-05:00

It's been over a month since I last wrote. How can that be?!

Let's do a bit of a catchup. Wedding plans are in full swing....I can not believe how much time and research it takes! Thankfully Raf is 100% involved and helps out a ton or else I think elopement would have to be under advisement. We also hired a "wedding weekend" coordinator who will help with a lot of the last minute stuff, as well as the rehearsal dinner and day after brunch.

There are still times when I can't believe I'm getting married. I do my taxes and think "woah this is the last year I'm checking the "single" box". I 100% love him and know in my heart this is who I am supposed to be with, but I honestly still struggle sometimes with relinquishing my independence and selfishness. I was comfortable in my come and go as I please, travel to my hearts content and leave dishes in the sink if I wanted to life and the difference now is jarring. I am still finding the balance of self vs. "wife", but I think to some extent no matter what roles people have, there is always a tug of war between them and an ever tilting scale.

In other news I had another staph/MRSA flare and I'm still recovering from that. I hadn't had one in almost a year so it was frustrating for it to pop up again. Hopefully I can keep it at bay for awhile. I had joined a gym and was pretty good about going 3 times a week, but got derailed when I got sick. I think I can start up again in another week or so.

I have been a cooking disaster lately. I keep burning nearly everything I make and my cooking confidence has taken quite a hit. Our oven is fairly new, so I don't think it's a problem with the unit, but it seems like EVERY thing I make burns on the outside while still being raw on the inside. VERY frustrating. I may try cleaning our oven...it could use a good scrub. Maybe that will help.

The new job is going well. It's still strange to be in an office of only 6 people, but it's definitely less stress than where I was previously and a MUCH more positive environment. It was definitely a good move on my part despite the slight paycut.

Hope you guys have all been well!!!! I've missed you!

2011

2011-01-01T12:30:00.001-05:00

I KNOW it's cliche, but I have some goals for 2011, besides you know, the big one of getting married LOL.

-I resolve to use my reusable grocery bags more and not forget them in the trunk of my car as often.

-I resolve to get healthier this year. I will moisturize more, drink more water and do my wii workouts more days than not.

-I resolve to take on one "giving back" project and do something for my community.

A very happy 2011 to you all!

What a Difference a Year Makes

2010-12-31T12:54:00.001-05:00

Last Christmas I spent in a snowy Illinois, doing the same yearly traditions of the past 30 years. Christmas Eve dinner and church, opening presents with cocktails until we all passed out, then waking up on Christmas Day to open our stockings and santa presents (yes we still do this even though we are 24 and 31) and off to my Aunt and Uncles for Christmas Dinner. I didn't know then, it would be the last year for such tradition.

This year was different. My sister got married this year. My uncle passed away unexpectedly. My parents left Illinois. I got a fiance! The old traditions were out and hopefully some new ones started.

This year my fiance and his mother were off to my parents new house in Arizona for the holidays. I got on the plane in NJ, it was 27 degrees. I got off the plane in Phoenix, it was 70! Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were spent in my parents pool! We still had Christmas Eve dinner, church and cocktail-opening present hour (some traditions just can NOT be replaced), in the backyard, but there was no Christmas Day dinner with the extended family. Santa still came despite there being no fireplace in the Arizona house (apparently an outdoor firepit suffices for him).

I'm thankful for MANY of the changes of this year. I still go to sleep every day wondering how I got so lucky to have found R, who makes it his daily priority to love and cherish me. I'm thankful that in her 13th year, my dog Ginger is still healthy and has her (brief) moments of playfulness. I'm happy I took a risk and changed jobs this year, getting me away from a toxic environment and in a new, more positive workplace. I bought a car, moved to New Jersey, got engaged, and though still battling the anxiety, made a lot of good strides and started being able to get out of the house more and do more things.

A few things I could do without......severely cutting my hand while cooking Christmas Day dinner and nearly passing out. Gaining 25 pounds this year!! Getting MRSA/a staph infection...TWICE! and this whole 24" snow/blizzard thing I came home to!

I'm curious to see what 2011 will bring to us all!

I Interrupt the Wedding Posting for a Thanksgiving Post

2010-11-22T13:01:00.001-05:00

*though remind me to tell you the story of how my mom wants me to wear a LONG SLEEVE WEDDING DRESS.

This will be my first Thanksgiving cooking. I'm only cooking for R, myself and his mom, but I'm still excited about making my first holiday meal.

I'm making just a turkey breast (I have made this crockpot turkey and stuffing meal before, so I'm just doing that again)

I've never made a cranberry sauce before, so I'm going to go out on a limb and try Pioneer Woman's cranberry/pomegranate sauce.

For our veggie I'm going with Real Simple's Orange broccoli. This has been on my "to make" list for awhile so I figured Thanksgiving would be the perfect opportunity.

For rolls I'm making a recipe that caught my eye in the free trial issue of Food and Wine magazine we got last month.

Desserts: I'm going with caramel apple crisp cups from the Open Pantry site. I couldn't pass up the apple/caramel combo and R also requested I re-make cranberry apple spice muffins that I made after we went apple picking last month that we both are in LOVE with.

Anyone else trying out any good recipes this year?

HE PUT A RING ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-11-09T10:06:00.001-05:00

Finally!

Stay Tuned for Breaking News.....

2010-11-08T17:59:00.000-05:00

I MAY have some interesting news to share tomorrow.......

let's just say it involves jewelry and today being an anniversary for R and I.....and going back to the place we met for dinner........

Fingers crossed he FINALLY puts a ring on it. I mean we have a wedding date already for Pete's sake!

SHOES!

2010-11-03T14:52:00.002-04:00

I had something very specific in mind for my wedding shoes and despite a lengthy search, I couldn't find exactly what I wanted. I happen to come across a London-based website that lets you design your own shoes! I designed exactly what I wanted and now I just have to wait 2 months while they make them. SO EXCITED!

I am keeping ALL things attire-related a secret from R (at his request) so I can't post them on my wedding site, but I can post them here! So here is a sneak peak at my shoes!!!!

Project Photos

2010-11-02T13:08:00.000-04:00

I updated our wedding DIY site with some photos of our projects! Take a look!

http://trippingdowntheaisle.weebly.com/diy.html

Invites

2010-10-29T14:49:00.000-04:00

I'm doing the printing of our invites myself, but R and I took TOTAL advantage of the 20% off sale Cards and Pockets was having and bought the pocketfolds and mats for our invitations. According to the tracking, the box arrived on our doorstep today. I can NOT wait to go home and rip that baby open!

For those of you who want to TOTALLY stalk our wedding process, I am working on a website that tracks our projects.

http://trippingdowntheaisle.weebly.com/

Stop by!

The Learning Process....

2010-10-27T10:19:00.002-04:00

R has been INCREDIBLY involved and willing to help out in every way with the wedding plans and design. It's been fun to do things together, especially since we are doing a lot of the work ourselves. His first project was to make a SIMPLE photo card box for the gift table for people to put cards in, like the one below (from the road to the aisle DIY website). I had seen these around and loved the idea so I asked him to make it.

His response: Can I make it light up? Or maybe even motorize it so it turns.

Sigh. Men.

Ok so.....

2010-10-26T16:22:00.001-04:00

I'm not TECHNICALLY engaged, but the commitment has been made to eachother , he's just waiting for "the moment" to surprise me with the ring....and we've set a date and the wedding planning has begun. Which means...this is probably going to turn into the wedding planning/venting blog.

So far we have set the date (11/12/11), bought a cake topper, a monogram stamp and have narrowed down our church and reception choices to 2! I'll be posting my DIY projects and my ups and downs along the way so stay tuned if that is your sort of thing. If it's not then check back in a year when it will all be over!

Scare

2010-10-12T21:38:00.001-04:00

I have never been so happy to be on solid ground as I was last night. Upon approaching the runway to land, our plane was struck by lightning and we had major turbulence and the cabin filled with a strange smell. We circled around the airport a few times so the "controls could re-set" and we finally landed safely. They closed the tarmac after that and we were unable to get our checked bags for awhile, but we didn't care AT ALL, we were just happy to be safe! Don't be annoyed at weather delays. They are SO for your own safety!

Off...

2010-10-07T00:25:00.001-04:00

I am off to Chicago this week for my sister's wedding! It's a mix of emotions..uncertainty at her choice/young age, impatience for my own impending engagement (we've ring shopped, we talk details, we talk date...but WHERE IS MY RING ALREADY??!), being able to see my family, and stress at the travel and obligation of it all. THANKFULLY Weight Watchers (and spanx) helped me lose those extra pounds I had gained since my dress fitting and the dress fit perfectly today when I picked it up.

Wish me luck!!!!

Goals

2010-09-28T14:55:00.003-04:00

I've gained some major weight this year. Some of it is attributed to living with a boy with a mega-metabolism, some of it is from being sick most of January and February and some of it just plain laziness. It's time to grab the scale with both hands and get it together. I don't have a clear plan yet. I've been doing weight watchers for a few weeks and like it, but haven't had consistent results so it's hard to tell if its working. I've not been working out at all, but am slowly starting to schedule it into my days. I know keeping the motivation is my #1 problem, so I'm on the lookout for things that keep my goal fresh in my mind. If you have any tricks PLEASE do share!

My goal is to lose 46 pounds by November of next year. Ready. Set. GO!

Bad Blogger

2010-09-20T15:44:00.001-04:00

I keep meaning to blog, but yet I don't! I want to keep up, but I just haven't been able to! My new years...ok well My September resolution is to be a better blogger!

Let's see...while I was gone, I changed jobs (lateral move, same job, working for an old boss at a new company a block away from where I am now...same distance to Starbucks....same salary), re-joined Netflix and am making my way through more Lost and some Weeds along with some movies, been cooking a lot, organizing boxes of my childhood stuff my dad brought on his visit....trying to lose weight so I will fit into my bridesmaid dress in a few weeks...and that's pretty much it! A friend did get me hooked on the Hunger Games series of books and I'm in the midst of #2. Anyone else read it?

Cakes and Lost

2010-08-27T15:19:00.000-04:00

I have NO idea why it took me so long to get on the Lost bandwagon, but I am SO loving this show. I recently discovered that all the episodes are on Hulu and am up to season 3 so far. It confuses me and sometimes is frustrating, but I am HOOKED!

The Boy's mom's birthday is this weekend and I told him I would make a cake for her. I chose a complicated Tiramisu recipe, and it was somewhat labor intensive, but it turned out SO pretty. We haven't tasted it yet, but if it tastes as good as it smelled, someone is going to have to hold me back from eating the entire thing!

Heading out for my first solo road trip in my new car. I am heading upstate to visit my cousin.

Speaking of getting on old bandwagons, I just started reading The Help. I am LOVING it! Anyone reading anything good these days?

What's been going on...

2010-08-05T10:20:00.001-04:00

The Boy and I have settled into a nice pattern of living together and have worked out most of our kinks. Our inherent differences in social nature will always be present, but we are learning to find a balance.

My photo business has slowed lately and I have desperately been trying to drum up new clients. I had a GREAT lead on a new client and they confirmed with me that I had the job, but then they disappeared and I haven't heard from them, so I'm kind of bummed. My day job has been presenting me with some...challenges (i.e., subpoenas, drama and other unbloggable things) and I am looking to exit by the end of the year if possible.

Med weaning has been....interesting. Lowering my dose made the anxiety come back more than I was comfortable with, but not on a daily basis, only in certain situations, so we are trying something new. I have a "situational" med that I take when I feel an attack coming on and we will continue weaning VERY slowly off the daily med. It's a good compromise I think so fingers crossed it works out for me.

Not much else to report really. Have been cooking a lot this summer and just adjusting to life with Boy. I kind of feel like summer flew by and I didn't have enough time to enjoy it, so I am hoping to spend these next few weekends just relaxing with no obligations. Wish me luck!

Disconnect

2010-07-15T11:38:00.001-04:00

The Boy and I have been officially living together for a month now. The moving, integrating our stuff together and finding of a new routine all went seamlessly, but we seem to have now hit our first hiccup.

We are struggling right now with the balance of together time/alone time/time individually with friends/time together with friends etc. He would be perfectly happy if we just spent every minute together and never went anywhere without the other. I, on the other hand, like my time to wander the grocery store aisles aimlessly, sit and read in a Starbucks or to take a walk along the waterfront alone with my thoughts. We've had good conversations about our differences, but there never seems to be any resolution. As an only child of a single parent, he hated being alone all the time and would rather be surrounded by people at all times. My needs are different and finding the balance has been difficult. Our conversations are good, we communicate SO WELL and there is never any arguing or yelling, it's just a deep conversation, but at the end I can't help but feel disconnected from him a bit. I know that I need to just have faith that the balance will find itself. The nature of having 2 different jobs and sets of friends will mean that alone time will be had, and our date night tradition will continue so together time will also be had, but for now there is a fear that exists for me. A fear of what I am not exactly sure....we have both acknowledged that this difference is in NO way a dealbreaker and we are both still 100% committed to eachother so I don't think it is a fear of him leaving me...a fear of making him (or myself) unhappy? an unrealistic expectation of relationship perfection? I wish I could figure it out so I could get rid of this feeling. For now I am holding on to the fact that we are communicating openly and respectfully about the issue and knowing that a man who leaves a smiley face spelled out in m&ms and a gin & tonic with freshly squeezed lime on the kitchen table for me to find while he is out running errands is someone who clearly loves me and isn't going anywhere.

Weekend Roundup

2010-07-12T14:14:00.001-04:00

Took my new car to the old apartment on Saturday in order to clean some things out and finally take the donate pile in to Goodwill. I have to have it cleaned and emptied by the end of this month. I'm already 100% moved to NJ, but it will be strange not to have that apt anymore!

Sunday was "date afternoon/night" for the Boy and I. We have realized that if we spend time together just doing house stuff or watching TV we both feel less connected to eachother so we make a point to have a date once a week or so. Sunday I made a bunch of finger food/type dishes, he made Gin & Tonics and we watched Avatar and munched on our treats. Afterwards we went out and took a sunset walk along the waterfront. Definitely one of my favorite date night's we've had.

Have settled into a good routine thus far aside from the weight loss/workout front. I still do my Wii, but only a few days a week and i"m hoping to kick that up a bit and REALLY get it in the schedule on a regular basis. I also really liked the waterfront path we walked along last night so I may try to do a weekly walk there as well just to mix it up sometimes.

Tonight I am making a foray into the world of pork and attempting a brine. I don't eat meat except for chicken, but the poor Boy I live with is getting a little bored so I am trying to mix it up a bit. I made an apple/maple brine last night and have it in the fridge marinating...Wish me luck with Ms. Piggy! lol

My Life

2010-07-09T10:54:00.000-04:00

I've been looking around my life lately and wondering how in the heck I got here?

A little over a year I was plagued with anxiety problems, in therapy, living alone in a no frills NYC apartment spending WAY too much time with my Tivo and working crazy hours.

Now I live with a boyfriend who I couldn't love more and am heading toward marriage in a lovely New Jersey house with all the amenities, own my own car and work regular hours and sometimes even get to leave EARLY.

I wish I had kept more faith back then that things would be different. It's a stark reminder to me that "It won't always be like this, so enjoy the good times and know the bad ones won't be forever".

What on EARTH will another year bring??? I'm afraid to ask.

Holy Cats and Dogs.....

2010-07-04T10:08:00.001-04:00

I BOUGHT A CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As of Tuesday, I am the owner of a gorgeous 2010 Volkswagon Tiquan Wolfsberg Edition!!!!

Weekend Roundup

2010-06-28T10:29:00.001-04:00

Friday night we had a little gathering for The Boy's friends who hadn't yet seen the transformation of the house from bachelor pad to "home where a girl lives". They all loved the place and we sat in the yard for hours drinking, eating pizza (that we grilled which you MUST TRY because it's amazingly yummy) and chatting. I must admit I spent most of my time playing with the 2 year old son of one of our guests. I feel bad I didn't engage with more of The Boy's friends, but I'm not one for parties really and I had more fun with the kids.

The next morning I woke up and The Boy had cleaned up the entire house and yard and it looked like we hadn't had a party the previous day AT ALL. The house was spotless! Seriously, what guy does THAT???

I picked up my dress for my sister's wedding in October and tried it on. It's a tad snug, but hopefully by October I can drop a few pounds. I've been keeping up quite well with my Wii these days so I'm not too worried.

Yesterday we just hung around the house and did chores. I did sneak some good reading time out in the sun though to get my Vitamin D fix. I LOVE love having a yard again. I also did some cooking, made dinner in the crockpot which turned out just ok and made a super yummy chocolate lava cake, but the "lava" part is COFFEE. Seriously YUM.

Now it's back to work. Why WHY do weekends go so fast??

Wheels

2010-06-23T12:02:00.001-04:00

Now that I have officially moved to New Jersey, I find myself in need (ok maybe not NEED, but a deep want) for my own set of wheels. The Boy has some limited edition, irreplaceable fancy stick shift car so I can't/won't drive his and in order to keep myself sane and my relationship in tact, I think it will be good for me to have the freedom that comes with having a car. Though our house is conveniently located near the train to NYC, it isn't close to any stores or even Starbucks, so there isn't really anywhere I can go by myself (except work!).

Unfortunately my debt, though by no means out of control, is higher than I am comfortable with, so while saving for my car, I would also like to pay it off as well. I tentatively laid out a budget plan for myself and it looks like by the end of September I can be debt free and have my downpayment. Though 3 months seems a long time to wait, I don't want to make this purchase with debt looming over my head, so I am going to force myself to be responsible about it.

Being a grownup is hard!

The End Is Near

2010-06-14T12:06:00.001-04:00

Moving Day is finally approaching. Or rather "I threw a fit and told The Boy that I was tired of living in two different states and I wasn't going to do it anymore so he had to pick a day and rent a truck to get the rest of my stuff or else I was moving all my stuff in Jersey back to New York" day is approaching. Friday is the Big Day and I'm excited to finally have all of my underwear in one house!

Hopefully after that I will be able to get back on some sort of schedule and start working out again....I stepped on the scale recently and had a "Did the DOG step on the scale with me, because that number can NOT correspond to the weight of just ME" moment.

Moving burns calories..right?

Jury Duty

2010-06-09T11:12:00.001-04:00

My service is officially over! I got selected for interviewing for a potentially long medical malpractice case, but thankfully the case got settled or dropped or something and we all got to go home! All in all I got paid for 2 days of reading my Nook. I certainly can't complain about that!

Some More Fun

2010-06-04T16:35:00.001-04:00

I got called for jury duty, reporting on Monday.

Oh the good times just keep coming!

I did it...and then freaked out about it.

2010-06-03T10:38:00.001-04:00

I put on my big girl pants last night and told my mom that I am moving in with The Boy.

And then promptly had a panic attack on the train going home and The Boy had to come get me.

She took it better than I thought actually. I definitely got the "I'm disappointed in you" lecture, but I think she realizes that I'm in my 30s now and there isn't much she can do about it. I think her fear partly is that she doesn't want us to get stuck in the living together phase and then not move forward with getting married, but I made certain to drive home the point that we were going to do things on our own timeframe and for what works for us. At least she never threw out the phrase "living in sin" to me.

I see that as progress.

Update

2010-06-01T16:42:00.001-04:00

The trip home with The Boy to meet my parents went well. They really liked him and he seemed to enjoy himself and hearing stories about me and seeing my old pictures and stuff. We didn't end up telling my parents were are moving in together yet, but I hope to in the next few weeks.

I am feeling much better from last week's mini-flip out. A friend recommended the book called The Concious Bride to me which I checked out. Even though I'm not technically engaged yet, she thought I was having similar relationship anxieties about all the changes in my life right now and its comforting to know it's 100% normal to have adjustment woes!

Starting tonight I am beginning the SLOW process of weaning off my daily anxiety meds. I'm a tad nervous but ready to attempt life without them. Fingers crossed!

Love Panic

2010-05-27T12:29:00.001-04:00

The past day or so I have felt a mix of emotions and feel like a rubber band ball of thoughts. Post doctor appointment anxiety, my upcoming trip to Illinois, moving and packing and the looming telling of my parents of the impending move have sent me to the edge. My life has changed dramatically in the past 5 months. There is a distinct path where there wasn't one before. A path I dreamed about taking. A road I never thought I would find.

Last night I broke down. I doubted everything. I doubted The Boy and with the clarity of a new day and a decent night's sleep came the guilt that I could doubt loving him. This love doesn't look like the loves of my past and I doubted its strength. I don't feel that constant "devastation if we aren't together" feeling that I have known so well when I had weak loves, that needed me to work so hard at perfection to keep them alive. With the Boy, love isn't based on fear and for a moment, it was unrecognizable to me. It's never been like this for me. We can talk about anything. He is accepting of my anxiety issues and is undeterred by them. He wants a future with me. He loves me unconditionally and makes sure that he shows me in some way every day. This is everything I have ever wanted and now that I have it, I feel overwhelmed by all the change and then guilty for having fears and doubts.

My married friends tell me this is 100% fine and that it's common to have doubts. We get lured into thinking that love is all unicorns and rainbows and there is a clear cut "how you are supposed to feel". Each love takes its own journey and it's unrealistic to expect any 2 loves to be the same. I think once the move is complete, the parents are met and told and a balance is restored, my sense of self and love will be renewed. I have faith in myself and in The Boy and I know that our love journey is nowhere near being over.

A Big Girl

2010-05-25T15:59:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I put my big girl pants on and had a physical! Yes, that's right, I WENT TO THE DOCTOR!!!! I even let her take blood and give me a tetanus shot! I am so proud that I conquered my fear and The Boy was nice enough to buy me a donut as a post-dr appt reward! Fingers crossed all test results come out fine and that I don't have to have another appointment for a year! My arm KILLS post-shot, but hopefully that will subside in time for this weekends trip back to Illinois where The Boy meets The Parents.

Stay tuned!

Birthday Week

2010-05-17T16:22:00.001-04:00

I had an amazing birthday weekend. Cake, a very romantic waterfront restaurant dinner, a Nook, a trip to the Poconos where we ate, drank, slept and talked....I couldn't have asked for a better birthday weekend! I just may keep getting older and older!

Now it's back to work and back to packing!

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-05-13T10:45:00.001-04:00

IT's not even noon and so far this birthday thing ROCKS. I got muffins from mom, truffles from a friend and a NOOK from The Boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoo hoo for 31!

Overindulgence

2010-05-12T11:07:00.001-04:00

After TWICE paying off my debt, I find myself in an uncomfortable hole again. NOT the place I want to be before buying a car. I have overindulged and to be honest, I'm not even sure where the money I spent went. I know about 1/3 went to my sister's party and plane tickets home (money I was MORE than happy to spend), but as for the rest....I have NO idea.

My rent will go down this summer once I start living with the Boy, and I've started clipping coupons, which I have never done before. My goal is to get my debt down to half of what it is now before I purchase a car. I KNOW I need to find a good cash system that works for me, but I feel uncomfortable carrying large-ish amounts in my purse at one time. I've NEVER used my ATM card as a debit card, but I'm thinking that may be a good place to start. I will use my debit card for groceries and necessities and cash for anything entertainment/fun-related. I have a specific amount set aside each month for "non-necessities" which if I carry that in cash will limit my overindulgence in that area.

I'm disappointed in myself for getting out of control (again) but at least I have a plan.

I'm Happy...Really, but Moving SUCKS

2010-05-07T09:24:00.001-04:00

I'm excited about my upcoming move, really I am, so allow me the indulgence of whining about it for a post.

Moving. Sucks.

When the Boy and I agreed to live together, it was all roses and excitement about upcoming trips to Ikea and the Container Store and romantic picnics in the yard. Fast Forward to now:

Packing, organizing, changing prescriptions across state lines, getting a NJ drivers license, needing proof of address when you don't have a lease or utility bill, changing magazine subscriptions to the wrong new address and having to change them AGAIN and oh did I mention the packing?

Also the telling of my parents, which will require a whole post of its own...you know, when I actually get up the courage to you know...do it.

MRSA

2010-05-05T10:16:00.001-04:00

The Boy and I got our results back from the Dr. We have MRSA...the antibiotic-resistant staph. I am still researching and trying to figure out what it all means. Neither of us have "flare ups" right now and it can lay dormant for awhile, but we will have to be super diligent about any scratches, bites or cuts we get and we have a special cleanser to use in the shower. I hate knowing that at any time it could come back and make us both really sick.

These super-bugs are super scary!

A BIG step

2010-04-29T10:11:00.001-04:00

My lease is up in August and The Boy and I have been discussing the possibility of living together at that time. We are likely going to do it, but I have to admit, I'm scared. I would be moving into his place in New Jersey, but we would be consolidating our furniture and putting some things in storage. It is a huge step in our relationship and even though I am 100% sure about him (and he feels the same), there is just a lot of "unknown" associated with it. How will we adjust to being together 24/7? How will all of our stuff fit together? Will I get enough "me" time?

I'm scared, but also very excited. Aside from the practical things that thrill me (he has a washer/dryer, dishwasher, I would FINALLY have an entire room dedicated to being my home office, I would be able to buy a car, my rent would be half of what it is now, etc.), I look forward to building our own little family unit and a life together. I have wanted this for so long, and had a rough dating journey to get here and am beyond excited to finally be in love and have the security of knowing I've found my person and he found his.

Let's just hope I like being a Jersey Girl!

The Catch Up

2010-04-27T12:55:00.001-04:00

I think I am FINALLY on the mend from my whole staph debacle. The Boy still has a spot, but seems to be healing. I have a suspicious spot on my leg that I am keeping an eye on, but so far it doesn't seem to be taking the course the others did. Fingers crossed we can put this behind us and be collectively healthy for awhile!

Things with the Boy are still amazing...marriage has been discussed...rings have been looked at, but nothing definite as of yet. I think back to a year ago and wonder every day how on earth I got to this place. I wish I had kept my faith better through it all.

I got the invites for my sister's bridal shower in the mail today and they look amazing! Seriously if you need invites for anything, check out http://limoncellostyle.com/ I can't wait to have a reason to need invites for something again! LOL

I started a Couch to 5K program last week. I finished week 1 and will be starting on week 2 tonight. I'm doing it on the Wii, which I am sure lessens the impact of it slightly, but I am happy to get off the couch and at least working out again. So far so good! Let the pounds start melting off!

Whew, I think you guys are all caught up now. I'll try to be a better blogger!

The Good News and the Bad

2010-04-07T16:36:00.001-04:00

I'm back from my follow-up dr appt. Apparently they were only testing me again because the lab screwed up (which is NOT what the woman told me on the phone!). It wasn't that I had abnormal results, I had NO results. I'm annoyed they made me worry, but at least it's over and hopefully they do it right this time.

The downside is, she found ANOTHER red spot on the back of my leg (its high up and I couldn't see it myself) that worries her, so I'm back on the antibiotics for the THIRD time now. I still can't figure out where this stupid infection is coming from. I'm afraid it is coming from the Boy...it seems to happen whenever I hang at his place. I have my physical next month...hopefully they can figure out what is causing it if anything.

3 Words

2010-04-02T10:09:00.001-04:00

The Boy told me he loved me last night.

Despite the rough weeks I've had recently, I could NOT be happier right now.

*and yes, I said it back

Oy

2010-04-01T15:10:00.001-04:00

I have a suspicious red spot on my leg....its not looking good. I put every single antibiotic cream, spray, salve and cleaner I had on it, bandaged it and am keeping my fingers crossed, but I'm worried it's going to turn into something ugly.

With all my health issues lately I thought it prudent to get a physical (its been um...a decade I think since I had one), but of course the next available appointment isn't until the end of May. Plenty of time for my doctor phobia to kick into overdrive and drive me INSANE with worry. Terrific.

Sorry about all the whining here lately....maybe someday my blog will stop sounding like the dining hall of a nursing home where everyone discusses their various ailments.

No breaks here

2010-03-30T13:57:00.001-04:00

Even though my OB/GYN appt was over TWO MONTHS AGO, they called me today to tell me my tests had "abnormal results". She said it wasn't cancer, but that they just needed to run some more tests. Dr Google assures me this is 100% normal and that even if I have HPV (which is what the lady said they needed to re-test for) in most cases it goes away on its own, I'm still trying hard not to freak out. Why is my body breaking down at 30 on me??!!!

My follow-up appt is next week....wish me luck.

Holes and Showers

2010-03-29T16:53:00.001-04:00

- So the leg saga continues. I ended up sort of yanking the infection/pus-type stuff out of my leg, which left a gaping hole about the size of a dime and 1/4" deep. It looks scarily like a gunshot wound. LOL There is minimal pain though so I'm hoping it will just heal. I'm snapping a pic and sending it to the dr tonight so we will see what he says. The Boy is getting his looked at tomorrow, so fingers crossed we are finally on our way to healing!

- My mom dropped a major bomb on me last night. Apparently, I am in charge of planning my sister's bridal shower and my mom wants to do it at their house before they sell it, so I have 8 weeks. Um gee thanks. I barely know my sister at all, don't know her tastes, hell I don't even know what she eats and I'm supposed to plan a party for her???!! I sent my mom some ideas today and thankfully she liked them. I'm going with a gerber daisy theme (those are the flowers my sister is using in the wedding). Now if I could only figure out what sister eats. LOL

Aaaaaaaaand...

2010-03-23T13:07:00.001-04:00

(tired of me whining yet? I am too!)

I think I have an absess in my gums...there is this weird pocket/bubble on my bottom right side. I was supposed to get my wisdom teeth out down there awhile ago (ahem...15 years ago...) and I wonder if it's related to that. Thankfully it's not painful at all and I'm already on antibiotics, but I think once I am FINALLY over staph round 2, I may have to hit up my dentist/oral surgeon.

The Boy's infection is still raging. He saw a dr yesterday who said he just has to wait it out. I still feel SO BAD for causing him pain. Poor Boy...he's the perfect boyfriend and I reward him my giving him staph. :-(

Seriously, when am I going to get a break?!!!

On the upside, I made these tasty blueberry muffins from the Skinnygirl Dish cookbook I got last week. Its been a great resource for teaching me how to re-think my cooking and making it healthier.

Ok now...SERIOUSLY?

2010-03-20T19:03:00.001-04:00

My pharmacy made a mistake and only gave me 2/3 of the antibiotics I need for my infection.

The cleaning service I hired to disinfect my apartment never showed and their number has now been disconnected.

And the hits just keep on coming.

Too Much

2010-03-19T14:17:00.001-04:00

I think I heard somewhere once that life never throws more at you than you can handle.

Currently I am "handling":

1) my second staph infection in 3 and a half weeks. The pain is unbearable and every day I pray that this second course of antibiotics kicks in and stops the pain.

2) having given my beloved Boy a staph infection! Apparently we are at the "sharing germs" stage of our relationship. Plus the poor guy has no insurance and is allergic to antibiotics, so that throws some fun and extra excitement in the mix for him.

3) the unexpected death of my uncle and missing his services because I am clearly contagious and should not be traveling.

4) a MAJOR weight gain, when I am supposed to be on track for LOSING. Not being able to workout for over a month, not being able to get out of bed for 1.5 weeks and the constant feeling that someone is attempting to build a fire in my upper thigh have lead up to the extra pounds creeping on.

On the tiny tiny upside of all this, my apartment is being cleaned/disinfected this weekend and I don't have to lift a finger AND I discovered that One-a Day makes gummy ADULT vitamins. I have always had trouble swallowing pills so this is a real find! Ironically though, you have to take TWO a day, despite the One-a-Day name.

So life, if you have anything else you need me to take on, I urge you to reconsider. I am running on empty!

Catch Up

2010-03-17T10:54:00.002-04:00

- Apparently battling staph in my right leg made my left leg feel left out (pardon the pun) and I now have an infection in that leg too! I'm not 100% sure it's staph and it seems to be slowly fighting itself off this time, so I'm waiting it out to see if my immune system kicks in on its own instead of rushing back to the dr again. I would rather not get antibiotics again if I can help it.

- I am ITCHING to be healthy again and get back to my Wii workouts! I've gained some of my weight back being so sedentary because of the infections and I would love to get that off again.

- The Boy officially asked me to be his girlfriend last weekend and I of course said yes! I can't resist, at least temporarily putting up a photo of us, so here we are on a recent walk under the GW bridge:

I fought the Staph...and I Won!

2010-03-08T13:28:00.001-05:00

Finally back at work after the great Staph Battle of 2010. The leg is almost fully healed, but I am still fighting incredible fatigue. I feel like I could still sleep for DAYS. I'm hoping I feel 100% soon. I hate this feeling of exhaustion.

Resolution....I think

2010-03-01T17:34:00.001-05:00

I took advice in between Angela and Coastin Anon. In one of our usual conversations I casually and calmly brought up where we were on exclusivity (not specifically mentioning eharmony) and he assured me that although it hasn't been a great deal of time (3 months) he is completely committed to seeing where things go with us. He was open with me and told me how he feels about me (which was nice to hear) so I'm going to TRY not to dwell on it and believe both his words and current actions.

THANK YOU GUYS! I think I would have totally panicked and blew it out of proportion more than I did if I didn't have my blog commenters so BIG HUGS all around! (which I just typed as BIG HUTS...) Huts for everyone! lol

Advice

2010-02-28T18:48:00.001-05:00

I'm still battling a staph infection, but I think in the end I'll win. My boy has been amazing, spending the entire weekend with me doing everything for me and taking great care of me.

However.

Today after he left to go home, I went to sign into gmail and it took me a second to realize HE was still signed in. As I was logging out, I noticed he had emails from Eharmony. I didn't read them and promptly logged out, but just seeing that he is obviously still a member hurts. The "is he still searching" question is BURNING into me. We have had the "I'm not dating anyone else" conversation, but I guess I never asked if he was still looking. I thought he told me he was no longer a member, but I don't recall.

Do I fess up and calmly bring up that he was left logged in and I saw emails from eharmony and ask? Or do I do what my therapist is always telling me to do and "choose to bring the good books down from the shelves" meaning choose to react in a good way, realize that CLEARLY likes me if he spent the entire weekend caring for me while sick, calling me constantly to talk, telling me how much he likes me and how lucky he feels and showing me nearly every day in some way that he cares.

What would you do?????

Getting the Most out of my Health Insurance

2010-02-23T13:45:00.001-05:00

In the past two weeks I have been to the doctor THREE TIMES. Three different doctors, three different prescriptions! First was the therapy appt so that I could get therapy tools to deal with the doctor anxiety, which came with drugs. Second was the OB/GYN appt (which by the way, was a SUCCESS and not at ALL as bad as I thought!) which came with a prescription, and third was TODAY's emergency appointment because I somehow cut my leg and it got WICKED infected. Thankfully I was able to get to a walk-in clinic that takes my insurance and was on my way with yet ANOTHER prescription after only 30 minutes.

I have now had my FILL of doctors for the YEAR. No more maladies in 2010 please!!!!

Lucky

2010-02-15T18:59:00.001-05:00

I can't even begin to describe how lucky I feel these days. The Boy is beyond my wildest expectations. He wakes up early to get me coffee so I don't have to go without. He comes in while I'm taking a shower to turn the heater on so that when I get out it will be warm. When my phone rings and it's in another room, he runs to get it for me. He is so thoughtful and generous and HOT that I can't help but look at him and feel lucky.

And I didn't even mention the dark chocolate covered strawberries and truffles he bought me for Valentine's Day!

Plus, and I can't figure out why, he tells me he feels lucky too.

Ok mushy gushing is over. :-)

I did it.

2010-02-10T19:47:00.001-05:00

I conquered one of my fears today. I went to the Dr.!

My hands were shaking the entire time and there were a few times I thought I was going to pass out, but I successfully made it through the appointment.

When I sought help last March for my anxiety, I don't think I ever really thought I was going to get here. I look back at how limited and fearful my life was back then and wonder why I chose to live that way for so long.

I recently read the book Resilence by Elizabeth Edwards and in it she talks about how much happier life is when you can realize the difference between life changes that are fixable and which ones are truly permanent life alterations we must accept to live with. I thought for so long I wasn't able (or maybe it was worth) fixing. I'm definitely not 100% there yet, but for the first time I feel like I started walking in the right direction.

You Guys Were Right

2010-02-08T18:05:00.001-05:00

Meeting the friends was 100% fine. Hopefully I made a good impression, but he was more concerned that *I* liked them, than if they liked me, which was sweet. We spent the rest of the weekend together and it was amazing. I didn't lift a finger the entire weekend. He cooked, cleaned, procured my coffee. I was a spoiled girl for 48 hours and I don't even feel bad for thinking/feeling I deserved it!

Am I really this lucky? Did I finally hit the boy jackpot????

FREAKING.OUT.

2010-02-04T14:14:00.001-05:00

My Boy has been mentioning that his friends want to meet me. Usually I just make a joke and deflect, but today he asked me to have dinner with him and his best friend and his gf tomorrow night and I agreed.

I'm nervous about meeting his friends of course, and doing the whole "will they like me, will I say something stupid, what do I wear, is it ok to hold his hand" questioning, but I'm also freaking out because it's a milestone of sorts. I've never gotten to this stage in a relationship before and I keep looking around thinking how did *I* get here??

Send Xanax. ASAP.

1 month down!

2010-02-02T12:18:00.001-05:00

2010 is 1/12th over already?? Wow!

So far this has been a great year for me. I'm healthier than ever, have a fantastic boy in my life and really feel like I've found my life "groove". I figured out a budget plan now so hopefully I can get that area of my life in check this year as well. The comments on my whiney post made me realize it's ok to spoil myself a bit and not be 100% perfect. I've made MAJOR changes in my life as of late, and it is good to celebrate them!

Fingers crossed 2010 is my year!

Weigh-in #3 - 156.8 (-1.4)

2010-01-29T10:07:00.001-05:00

Down again this week for a total loss this month of 4.2 pounds!

I was surprised this week at the loss. I made baked mac & cheese last weekend and thought for sure that would throw me off. In addition to my Wii workouts, I've also been playing a LOT of Wii tennis so I think that compensated for my culinary naughtiness.

So happy to see the scale continually going the right way!

You Can't Have It All

2010-01-28T14:26:00.001-05:00

As far as 2010 goals go, I feel 100% on track with being more active and healthier. The therapy/meds are working and I'm finally at a manageable place with anxiety. I'm in a relationship and overall having a much happier years.

Except that my January spending has been OUT.OF.CONTROL. In the past month I bought:

A wii - $199.00
Wii Active - $59.99
Wii Fit - $99.99
2 other Wii games $60
a new purse $178.00
5 shirts at Victorias Secret $140.00
4 new pairs of shoes $200.00
New PJs $90.00
2 movies $35.00

Um WHAT WAS I THINKING???I spent over a THOUSAND DOLLARS in 28 days! Granted half of that was on the Wii, which I have used every single day for working out, but the other "stuff" was just spontaneous purchases out of boredom at work or just to feel "good" about myself.

I feel so good I've made some great changes to my life recently, but then feel SO BAD about the spending. I am renewing my goal as of February 1 and have been working on creating a reasonable budget for myself. I feel like I have SO many aspects of my life together now..why is this last one such a sticking point for me???

Wii.....as Revenge

2010-01-24T21:07:00.001-05:00

Some time ago I dated Tennis Guy, who was affiliated with a major international tennis player. Recently, I bought the Grand Slam Tennis game for my Wii and he happens to be one of the characters in the game.

I have to say every time I win a point against that particular player in the game, I giggle just a little and feel an odd sense of revenge.

It's kind of empowering.

Weigh-in #2 - 158.2 (-.8)

2010-01-22T09:52:00.001-05:00

I love seeing those scale numbers go down! I haven't (yet) made any changes to my diet or eating habits, this is ALL due to my commitment to my Wii. I do about 20 minutes a day (with a longer 40-50 min session on the weekends) and change it up often with doing my Wii active and other sports games.

I think this is the longest I've kept up with an "active" plan and I definitely look forward to going home and Wii-ing. I was never a gym person and just never found an at-home DVD that kept my interest for long enough. I am so happy to have found my exercise "niche" finally.

I just hooked my Wii to the internet so I can play against my friends who also have Wii's so if you have a Wii and want to connect, let me know!

Hey Laaaaadies

2010-01-20T20:54:00.001-05:00

I broke my beloved flat iron and need to replace it, but the choices out there are daunting.

Anyone out there have one they love and can recommend?

For Better...or maybe Worse?

2010-01-19T12:26:00.001-05:00

So I finally broke down last night and called the Boy....and he had been home for HOURS! He came down with a nasty cold while he was away, so he wasn't feeling great, but I still feel like he could have texted me that he got home safe! Our conversation was fine....normal, friendly, flirty, but I'm torn between wondering if I should be getting the hint that he's "just not that into me" or wonder if after 2 months of dating we've entered a more comfortable phase where it's understood that we care about eachother and that he's coming home to me so the constant contact isn't as vital......

I HATE this feeling and wonder what happened to my nice, easy relationship.

He did say he fell on his head while skiing....

Apparently 11 months of therapy isn't quite enough

2010-01-18T10:11:00.001-05:00

My Boy went away on a trip and I haven't heard from him in 3 days.

Leading up to this trip, things were amazing. We SO were that annoying couple you see in restaurants feeding eachother, holding hands and ignoring the world around them. He even apologized for not being able to take me on the trip with him (it was a ski trip he'd had planned with a bunch of friends for months). We texted the day he left, I wished him a safe trip and off he went.

Then....crickets.

A NORMAL girl would have hung out with friends, caught up on email, maybe did some shopping and NOT OBSESSED that she had been dumped. I, sadly have convinced myself he is breaking up with me and have moped around my house now for 2 days. I wish I could stop this crazy thinking and be rational. My therapist is always encouraging me to think in facts not fantasy.

Facts:

- I am an excellent catch and it would be his loss if he chooses to end things.

- While 3 days with no contact is unusual, it does NOT necessarily mean he is done with me. Yes, 98% of men break up with women by simply choosing to ignore them, but that does not mean he is doing this and his personality/behavior in the past has indicated that he is not the kind of person that would do that.

If I was a normal, healthy person I would realize that he's out enjoying himself and has every intention of seeing me when he gets back, just as he said. But instead I worry, obsess and grieve for a loss that hasn't even happened.

I'm definitely going to get my money's worth out of therapy this week. Sigh.

My first weigh-in - 159.0

2010-01-15T10:17:00.001-05:00

I've been doing my Wii Active now for 2 weeks. I still enjoy the workouts and think it is definitely something I will continue. I am down 3 pounds, but not back to my pre-holiday weight quite yet. My goal is to get down to the 135-140 range.

Go Wii!

Big Girl Decisions

2010-01-12T16:32:00.001-05:00

As my long term readers know (do I even HAVE any long term readers??) I am 100% doctor phobic. I do not go to the doctor. EVER. 9 months ago, I started seeing a therapist for my anxiety issues and now that some of those have reached a manageable stage, I am trying to branch out. (Men - this is where I warn you this is going to take a girl turn and to click away. No really. CLICK AWAY)

Now that I am in a (hopefully) long-term relationship, I know the importance of a girly-bit check up and some pills that prevent any surprise babies. So I have taken a MAJOR plunge and made a gyno appt. It's not until February, so I have a month to chicken out, but I'm hoping I can stick to my guns and make this major step towards conquering a major fear. I can't believe I have gotten to this point, and also can't believe it's taken 9 months of therapy and drugs to get here, but here I am.

Could it be?

2010-01-09T19:11:00.001-05:00

I'm still slightly afraid to hope, but things with the Boy are going amazingly well. The thing that surprises me most is how EASY it is! I don't question his feelings, there is no drama, it's just....nice and fun!

Fingers crossed, but I have a feeling this one may be around for awhile!

Day 5

2010-01-05T12:01:00.001-05:00

2010, so far so good. I've been eating healthy and getting my butt absolutely KICKED by Wii active every day. Also I got Just Dance for the Wii and boy does that get your heart rate up!

My month-long vaca from work will be over on Monday, so this week I'll be cooking, heading to Jersey to visit a friend and her baby and having a date with my Boy! Then it's back to the grind!

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

2010-01-02T21:41:00.001-05:00

I bought a Wii. I have really enjoyed playing the one my parents have so I decided to use my Christmas cash and get myself one. I am hoping it motivates me to move my butt a little more in 2010. The store didn't have the wii active set, so I still have to get that, but day 1 of playing Tennis and Boxing for an hour seemed to get my heart rate up a bit, so I have high hopes!

Any other Wii lovers out there??

The Random Catch Up

2009-12-29T13:21:00.001-05:00

Holiday was good. Got some clothes, coffee, movies....the usual fare. This trip home has been a little long though....I think I need to limit myself to a week in the future I think. 3 more days to go....wish me luck.

Things with Boy have been very good! He calls or texts every day I'm away and is definitely still interested in hanging out when I return! I have a good feeling about this one!

I'm thinking of buying myself a wii with my holiday money. I've been using my parents and I think it may be a workout plan I can stick to. I've heard good things about Wii active....any wii active players out there who have had success?

My computer died right before xmas and I got a new laptop with a nice big screen. Unfortunately I can NOT find a case that it fits in! I'm heading out today to try again, but I may have to just order it online.

I think those are the highlights....hope everyone had a great holiday!

Something Came Up

2009-12-19T13:58:00.001-05:00

My least favorite 3 words in the English language. Boy canceled on me due to an unexpected family thing. I'm bummed, but more than that I'm insecure. I doubt its truth even though he's not once given me a reason to. I doubt I'll see him again, even though he has said he wants to. The only thing I have faith in is my history of the 2 date curse that I can never seem to get past.

I'm trying to be thankful for the fun we've had and not want more, but all I can think about is how miserable the next few weeks will be while I am away...waiting for the moment of truth...will we hang out again or will I never hear a word from him again?

This sucks.

All I want for Christmas is some Hope

2009-12-16T21:02:00.001-05:00

I met a boy. A boy who is fun, 100% drama free. Who is a good man.

And did I mention he is HOT and happens to like me too?

We've been on dates 1 (drinks) and 2 (skating at Rockefeller Plaza....which was incredibly romantic) and #3 is planned for this Saturday (I'm cooking him dinner), but I find myself afraid to hope he'll be the one to make it past date #4. I want SO badly for him to break through my pattern lately of not making it past date #3. I'm afraid to hope, but I want to.

Fingers crossed!!

SMALL world

2009-11-22T23:34:00.001-05:00

So I ended up bailing on my eharmony date this weekend. A Photoshop online class came up at the last minute that I didn't want to miss, so I canceled on him. Later on in the weekend I was hanging with my friend T and ended up telling him about my date. He asks me a few questions about the guy and then starts CRACKING UP. I ask him what is up and he says that my potential date is someone he knows and who had cheated on his most recent gf.

Thank you dating gods for getting me out of this one before it even started!!

Cadavers & Dates

2009-11-18T14:52:00.001-05:00

Have yet another Eharmony date this weekend. This guy is in med school. We chatted briefly on the phone, which was 10 minutes lecturing me on getting a flu shot and 20 minutes on the purpose of cadavers for med students. Didn't ask me ANYTHING about myself....I barely spoke at all. I'll still give this one a shot (mostly because I had already agreed to have coffee with me Saturday afternoon) but let's not keep our fingers crossed for this one.

Next.

I thought it was 3 strikes and you are out?

2009-11-09T21:49:00.000-05:00

So Eharmony boy bailed.....went to that place men go when they are too afraid to say "I'm just not that into you". I've been on a bad streak lately. 2 dates and the guy bails. 2 dates and the guy bails. Repeat repeat repeat. It is taking its toll on my self esteem. I know you are supposed to feel confident and be happy with yourself and that's the healthiest head space to fall in love in, but in 30 years my longest relationship was 4 months. I've never had anyone tell me they loved me. I've never been in requited love.

How am I supposed to feel lovable when nobody has ever wanted to love me?

Barcelona

2009-11-01T15:36:00.001-05:00

There are so many things I want to remember about this trip. The beauty of the city. The cafe where I ordered a capuccino and a croissant de chocolate every morning, not only because it was good, but because it was the easiest to pronounce. The sex toy shop next to my hotel. Attempting to find the Spanish arc de triumph, but getting lost. Reading Angel’s Game (a book set in Barcelona) while sitting on the hotel roof deck overlooking the city. My mani/pedi at the Hotel Arts. The weird cheese ravioli topped with almonds I had. Being surrounded by a foreign language. Enjoying good Spanish wine.

I had an amazing experience and absolutely can not wait to go back.

Click here for a slideshow of some of the photos from my trip. Let me know what you think!

I saw the signs

2009-10-31T17:56:00.001-04:00

I think Eharmony Boy #2 is vanishing. Texting in the airport before my trip he was fine super sweet as usual. Days 1 and 2 the emails were fine and signed with our usual semi-mushy salutation. After that, short answers, then suddenly busy when I asked him to hang out today....It could mean nothing. I could be paranoid, but I've been down this road before and I know these signs. If he is vanishing, I wish I knew why, or even if he really was for sure. I just have that "feeling" and it's making me sad. There was a glimmer of hope with this one and I'm so tired of male dissapointment. I'm tired of never needing a fourth date outfit because I never get past 3 (or in this case 2!).

I lost 10 pounds, I went on a fabulous vacation and I still can't get the guy. Sigh.

I'm back!

2009-10-31T09:13:00.001-04:00

I am back from Barcelona. Seriously, if I could have transported my bed and books there, I would have never left! Photos and tales forthcoming!

**Parents seem to be on the mend from their H1N1...we are just keeping an eye on my Dad, as his asthma complicates the illness a bit. Thanks for all your good vibes!!!!!!

Another One Bites the Dust

2009-10-28T14:20:00.001-04:00

Mom's got N1H1 now too. PLEASE send those good thoughts to my parents!

Good Thoughts

2009-10-27T17:56:00.001-04:00

My dad has H1N1! All good non piggy thoughts would be MUCH appreciated!!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah

2009-10-25T10:21:00.001-04:00

Did I mention I was in Barcelona this week?? :-)

Adios!

Technology has Surpassed Me

2009-10-14T22:32:00.001-04:00

Bachelor #3 is still in the running. We have another date planned for Saturday. Fingers crossed this one sticks around for awhile!

My very minor complaint is that he's an over-texter. I think he has a job where he pretty much sits in front of a computer all day and I get that, so do I, but he texts me. All. Day. Long. Even if I don't respond, he still texts. Part of it is that I'm not used to attention AT ALL, so any positive male vibes to me seem strange. The messages are nice, just checking up on me (in a nice way, not in a stalker or possessive way or anything like that) but I feel like why not pick up the phone and have a 10 minute conversation with someone instead of just TYPING. My sister is an over-texter too so maybe it's just one of those newtechnology age things coupled with the fact that I've never really had a bf before so I am not properly schooled in the partnership/having someone care concepts of it all.

Also, he gets a free pass. He brought me REALLY good chocolate on our first date.

Misc. Updates

2009-10-11T10:39:00.001-04:00

I've been a sporadic blogger lately and I'm hoping to change that! I miss you guys!!

- Therapy is still ongoing, but the more I go the more she pisses me off (and not in a good way). If I hear her say one more time "Well just go with that and stay with yourself" (which are the ONLY advice she has EVER given me) I just may go postal. Perhaps then I'd get more sage advice, but I suspect not.

- I chipped two bones in my arm doing something stupid. I used my left hand as a hammer to bang some pegs into some new furniture I was assembling and ended up breaking it! Not my finest moment.

- My Barcelona trip is coming up!!!!! I am beyond excited, but feel like I haven't prepared for it at all. I wanted to brush up on my Spanish and do some research on things to see, but I may just end up winging it. I kind of like the "wander a foreign country and see where it takes me" approach to travel.

- I've had an icky cold for the past few days, but thankfully drinking massive amounts of water and loading up on vitamin C prevented it from being TOO bad. I also spent a TON of time filling the sink with hot water and breathing in the steam which helped immensely. I must remember to buy a humidifier this winter. Vicks makes a germ free one that I've been meaning to get.

- Still doing eharmony....it's had it's ups and downs. Had one date with guy #1 that went AMAZINGLY. Probably one of the nicest/most romantic dates I've ever had.....and then never heard from the guy again. Met up with guy #2 a couple of times....but there doesn't seem to be any chemistry, despite the fact that he is SUPER smart and I like him intellectually a lot. We still email daily, so I think we'll end up being friends. Had a date with bachelor #3 last night that went super well. We got drinks, then dinner, then walked through the park a bit and chatted. He is super cute and didn't bat an eye at my broken arm/smokers voice from remnants of my cold. Unfortunately he lives 2 hours away though and I get the impression he is kind of out of my league (though that's probably just my low self esteem talking). He did text me the entire 2 hours it took him to get home though....so we shall see. I definitely like him, but I know better than to get my hopes up after just one date!

I don't care

2009-10-04T21:48:00.001-04:00

My sister is getting married next year. Even though I'm not one for weddings and she and I aren't especially close, she asked me to be her maid of honor. After much thought, (and basically a demand from my mother that I accept), I told her I would do it, with the understanding that all the "stuff" that came with the job would be handled by my mother. I would show up, put on whatever required dress and shoes and do the holding of her flowers part. She and I were happy with that arrangement.

Then entered my mother.

She is INSISTING I be involved in every single tiny aspect of this wedding. Every conversation is about location or decorations or dresses and I just keep saying. Just tell me the date and where and I'll be there, I DO NOT CARE. I'm 30 years old and my sister is 8 years my junior. This isn't exactly a self esteem boosting event for me, but I'm doing the best I can. My sister doesn't bug me about any of this. I haven't even spoken to her in weeks. She leaves me alone, why can't my mother???!

Not my day

2009-09-21T21:53:00.001-04:00

Today I:

Accidentally threw away a FedEx containing important documents without even opening it.

Forgot to go to therapy

Didn't tell my Tivo to record the season premier of House.

NOT MY DAY!

Weird....even for me.

2009-09-18T00:17:00.001-04:00

My current sleeping pattern?

Sleep 8pm-10:30pm, get up, eat dinner, do work/cleaning/email etc. then go back to bed between 2-3am and sleep until 7:30am-ish.

I've battled ALL kinds of insomnia....even putting up with the 6 months or so I slept only every OTHER night, but this is ridiculous!

Week 1 - GAIN of . 6 (158.8)

2009-09-07T09:56:00.001-04:00

So my great weight loss plan for the week, started out fabulously. I was keeping up with being more active and was eating healthy. Mid-week I was actually even down a pound!

Sadly, I was derailed by ONE box of soft pretzels. I ate the entire box (6 pretzels) in one day (yesterday) and it resulted in a gain for the week. I'm trying not to get myself down about it, but it's a hard lesson to grasp. I gain weight SO easily and am realizing that I can not slip up even a little if I want to lose weight. I think it's the expectation of perfection that ends up derailing me. My hope is that I find the balance sooner rather than later and the scale starts moving in the RIGHT direction.

Lazy

2009-08-30T20:36:00.001-04:00

I allowed myself a lazy summer where I didn't really think about working out or trying to stay active, but the weather is cooling off and summer is coming to an end and I'm going to try to get my butt in gear. I have 35lbs I would like to drop....wish me luck here I go.

Starting weight: 158.2

Eharmony Update

2009-08-25T11:40:00.001-04:00

My eharmony match of the day:

A guy I've dated TWICE already in the past 5 years.

Further proof that the dating pool has 100% dried up. Sigh.

Blocked

2009-08-17T16:43:00.001-04:00

I feel like I can't write any more. I can't tell if it's a crisis of confidence, a lack of anything interesting going on or my prevailing feelings lately of being a total and complete loser, but until life gets more interesting, I'm afraid I'll be scarce.

I did, however, re-join Eharmony today....so perhaps that will make for good blog fodder. See what I do for you people. :-P

Meal Plan

2009-07-31T17:10:00.001-04:00

I'm not sure I know what days I'm making what yet, but here is what is on the menu for the Kai household (which is just me, but let me pretend I'm not a lonely spinster ok?!)

Breakfasts: Antique Mommy's Cobbler and Monkey bread or what I call Monkey Bread, but the recipe calls it holiday bread and cold brewed coffee that is my new obsession
Lunches and Dinners: Italian Pasta Salad with veggies, Baked Pasta with Chicken Sausage and home made pizza hot pockets that are currently taking over my freezer.

Meal Planning is BACK

2009-07-28T13:56:00.003-04:00

I'm back to my meal plan regime! I've been researching recipes all day and am excited about trying to get back into the kitchen!

Tuesday: Lunch: Leftover CPK from a work lunch yesterday, dinner: lime chicken and mustard potatoes (both new recipes I'm trying out, I'll post the recipes if they turn out well!) EDIT: I tried them both and YUM! You must must must try the lime chicken....it was GREAT. Though I wouldn't make the mustard potatoes along side this particular chicken recipe again, I would absolutely make them again in the fall as a side to turkey meatloaf or something. Both are going into my recipe file,

Wednesday: lunch: leftover lime chicken, dinner: quesadillas

Thursday: lunch: chicken parm lean cuisine, dinner: turkey burger with leftover potatoes (if there are any!)

Friday: lunch: homemade pizza hot pocket, dinner: quesadillas

Therapy Update

2009-07-27T15:05:00.001-04:00

Still plugging along. I was on a 6 week hiatus while she was away, but we are back to it now.

Now that the day to day anxiety is at a manageable level, we are starting in on some other issues I have, but I've sort of hit a wall because I have problems discussing certain things with her. She is a 50 something woman.....how am I supposed to discuss dating/sex etc. with her! I made a Cosmo reference the other day and she just looked at me blankly. I would REALLY love to resolve some of my issues with men, but I'm not sure I can talk to her about these things.

It's like talking to my Aunt or something....how do I get over this and open up?!

Crossing another country off my list....

2009-07-21T17:50:00.001-04:00

I have just booked my tickets for my next big ex-US trip.....and the winner is.....

BARCELONA!!!!!!!

I'll be hitting Spain in late October!!!! I can't wait!

Next up: St. Louis in a few weeks.

My Spa trial

2009-07-20T17:10:00.001-04:00

I do not like Spas.....I'm not a huge fan of strangers touching me....I don't like being semi-nude in the presence of others.....I hate any and all attention focused on me. I am so NOT a spa girl.

Lately I've needed to tame my eyebrows and I have an easy week at work since all the execs are out of the office, so I decided on a whim to try a Spa around the corner for work to get a quick eye brow wax at lunch.

I LOVED it. 30 minutes of being totally transported into a serene environment in the middle of a work day was SO worth having someone pour hot wax on my face and them rip it off.

If that's not a ringing endorsement, I don't know what is.

Thoughts From a Mind

Moving

New!

Brokeback Diamond

Hi there. Remember me?

Wedding Update

Taxes Fail

Sore

A month

2011

What a Difference a Year Makes

I Interrupt the Wedding Posting for a Thanksgiving Post

HE PUT A RING ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stay Tuned for Breaking News.....

SHOES!

Project Photos

Invites

The Learning Process....

Ok so.....

Scare

Off...

Goals

Bad Blogger

Cakes and Lost

What's been going on...

Disconnect

Weekend Roundup

My Life

Holy Cats and Dogs.....

Weekend Roundup

Wheels

The End Is Near

Jury Duty

Some More Fun

I did it...and then freaked out about it.

Update

Love Panic

A Big Girl

Birthday Week

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Overindulgence

I'm Happy...Really, but Moving SUCKS

MRSA

A BIG step

The Catch Up

The Good News and the Bad

3 Words

Oy

No breaks here

Holes and Showers

Aaaaaaaaand...

Ok now...SERIOUSLY?

Too Much

Catch Up

I fought the Staph...and *I* Won!

Resolution....I think

Advice

Getting the Most out of my Health Insurance

Lucky

I did it.

You Guys Were Right

FREAKING.OUT.

1 month down!

Weigh-in #3 - 156.8 (-1.4)

You Can't Have It All

Wii.....as Revenge

Weigh-in #2 - 158.2 (-.8)

Hey Laaaaadies

For Better...or maybe Worse?

Apparently 11 months of therapy isn't quite enough

My first weigh-in - 159.0

Big Girl Decisions

Could it be?

Day 5

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

The Random Catch Up

Something Came Up

All I want for Christmas is some Hope

SMALL world

Cadavers & Dates

I fought the Staph...and I Won!