It's a good thing I'm not on fire

After many years of suffering with general and social-related anxiety I attempted to take the plunge today to find a therapist. I called 10 people and NOBODY was accepting new patients. I left voicemails for 3 others, but at this point I have lost hope. I'm beginning to think there is no (insurance covered) help out there.

Sigh. At least I tried I guess.

UPDATE: After 13 phone calls to doctors listed on my insurance company's "find a dr" website, I got a dr to call me back, after TWO phone calls with her, two attempts to navigate my insurance company's automated phone system and another call to the dr with the requested insurance info, I FINALLY have an appointment.

In mid-March.

Hey, at least it's something.

Meal Planning Suspended

So my meal planning has come to a screeching halt. Due to my eternal fear of my post-mouse kitchen, I am no longer eating meals at home. I'm either going to starve, go broke eating out or get over it. Sadly the latter has the least chance of happening.

Being a anxious phobic is really getting old.

My favorite store

I arrived home from San Francisco this morning at 2am. Even though I had to be up 6 hours later for work, I wanted to relax a bit, so I scrolled through my Tivo to see if there was something I could watch while I was puttering around the house. I noticed it had recorded an Oprah episode on decluttering and organizing so I hit play.

Boy am I glad I did! It turns out that the Container Store has a 20% off coupon for everyone who saw that episode, available for download on their website. It's only good until March 1, so get it NOW!

I heart the container store and now I can heart it for 20% off!

I forgot!

With all the mouse excitement I completely forgot to tell you all that I was in San Francisco the past 4 days! I'm terribly jet lagged and behind on laundry/twitter/blogs and Tivo, but I promise to catch up and tell you all about it. It's a LOVELY city and I highly recommend it if you've never been.

The House of Mouse

My weekend started out lovely. I bought myself wine and roses on Friday and had big 3 day weekend plans that included a good apartment scrubbing and some major relaxing. Sadly, I spent the entire weekend (and continue to be in) anxiety hell.

On Saturday morning I saw a mouse in the kitchen. I make no apologies for it, I am a TOTAL complete GIRL when it comes to bugs and mice. I literally spent the entire weekend sitting in the middle of my bed with my shoes on, in a state of panic. An exterminator came and closed up some holes and left some traps (and I think one got caught) and he said he was sure I only had one and that he hadn't been there long, so it's likely over, but I still can't stop the freaking out. I haven't set foot in my kitchen since Friday and I'm starving. The exterminator said he would come back in 2 weeks to do a check, but I'm not sure I can make it that long. Thankfully I leave on Thursday for San Francisco for a few days, but of course I'm going to spend the entire time worrying that there will be a mouse party in my absence.

Sigh. I hate anxiety/fear.

No use crying over spilled....coffee

I knocked my coffee cup over onto the rent check I was supposed to send out for work.

I sent it anyway.

Peace.

The wait is over.

My friend has finally come to her peace.

Depressed? Tired? Hibernation?

I spent nearly every hour of this weekend in bed. Sometimes sleeping, sometimes, just lying there enjoying the weight of the covers on me, but almost my entire weekend was spent avoiding daily life.

Also, I ate an entire box of Entenmann's chocolate donuts in 2 days*.

Something is definitely up with me.....I just don't know what it is.

*no I'm not PG....I haven't been in the company of a man since it was warm enough to wear skirts and flip flops.

Sigh. Spring can't come soon enough.

The Wait

I have spent the better part of a week now waiting for peace to come to a friend/former teacher losing her battle with MS. The thoughts that have come to mind this week have been varied, from guilt I didn't keep in touch aside from emails and letters and help out more, to having flashbacks of the better times. When I moved into my first post-college apartment, her house was on my way home and I would often stop and visit with her and her dog. With no blood relations in her life that acted like family and no partner, her colleagues, former students and friends were her family.

By the time her MS symptoms were starting to worsen, I had moved across the country and could be little help aside from correspondence and prayers. I would send her photos of my travels and we would trade stories about our dogs. Oh the countless times I threw the ball for her dog on those nights I stopped by her house. One of the many things I will remember most is the love she had for her dogs.

I can't imagine what it is like to be at the end of your path, especially with no children or partner to be by your side. Several former co-workers have taken turns sitting by her bedside, making sure that someone is with her until the end. I selfishly wonder if my own solitude of now will also be my solitude in death. The thought keeps me up at night.


I hope that peace comes soon for you Shelley. Your kindness and strength have shown through to the end, but that is just a fraction of the legacy you will leave behind.


I wish I had stopped by on my way home more often.

Your Thoughts?

I'm curious as to your thoughts the woman who gave birth to the octuplets from IVF recently. From what I understand, she is 33, has 6 other children all under the age of 8 and no father of any of her children is in the picture.

I think the mother made a poor choice. I certainly understand the desire to have a child, but I think there has to be a point where the practicality of finances and familial strain have to win out. Though I definitely question the doctors who thought this woman was a good candidate for IVF (and I'm DYING to know who paid for it....it is NOT cheap!), I so SO hate that IVF is getting a bad reputation in all this. I have a married colleague in her mid 40s who (responsibly) used it and had twin girls, but was completely in a stable emotional and financial place before she and her husband made that choice. I feel bad that these 14 children have to grow up in a difficult situation.

If she gives an interview, I'm torn about watching.  Even though I think it's WRONG for her to benefit off her poor choice, ultimately I hope the money would be used for her childrens' benefit. Ultimately with all the unanswered questions (seriously WHO PAID FOR THIS??) I think curiousity will get the best of me and I'll tune in. If she gets her own TV series, I doubt I would watch (though I must admit I DO love Jon and Kate plus 8). I wonder if this story will impact their series at all??

Show me the Money!

Taxes are DONE! I'm spending my rebate money on the new home office and of course the desk I love is on back order for 3 months. Sigh. I'm going to keep looking, but if I don't find anything else, I'll just wait it out.

With superbowl excitement I forgot about this week's meal plan! It's time to clean out the freezer, so this week will be a little of everything, mini turkey meatloafs, mac & cheese, baked ziti....and who knows what else is buried in there. If I find anything good I'll let you know!