I think I can...I think I can...

Less than 24 hours until the impending dental appointment. If you could, please send all good thoughts to me around 11:30am tomorrow. I'll need all the positive karma, chi etc. that I can get.

A part of me feels good about the appointment, that tomorrow will be the first step towards a daily life without constant wisdom teeth pain and handfuls of Advil, but most of me is terrified they'll take one look and want to rip all my teeth out without Novocaine. And of course there is the "you should really see the dentist/doctor more often" lecture that I KNOW is forthcoming. I suppose it's time to face the music though. Sigh. Wish me luck!

I DID IT!

I made a dentist appointment today. I'm still shaking, but at least the battle is half over....

Now I just have to find the courage to actually go.....

In My Skin

I've never been comfortable in my skin. There are very few moments in life where I look in the mirror and feel beautiful or sexy. I know my body type is more "athletic" and I accept that I'll never be model skinny, but I would still like to drop 30lbs or so. I need to be more diligent about fitting the gym into my daily routine. I absolutely loathe working out. I will never understand the "high" people say they experience from going to the gym. I've never been good at forcing myself to do things I don't want to do (ahem....going to the doctor), but it's time. I'm tired of being sad and embarrassed about my weight and not feeling pretty. I just get discouraged too easily when I don't see results. Its a good lesson in endurance and patience for me though. It's almost like dating in a way; you have to take your time and build it slowly or else it doesn't work.

Patience truly is a virtue.

2 weeks

Eharmony boy returns from his trip in 2 weeks. We only had two dates before he left, and he's been gone 3 weeks already, so he's technically been gone longer than we've known each other. I can't wait to see him (and kiss him!) again. I can only hope he feels the same. I absolutely HATE getting my hopes up, but he did keep in constant contact, even calling to apologize after he was stranded without email access for a week, so I think there's hope he wants to hang out when he gets back. It's been hard to sustain such a new friendship/relationship/whatever it is via email. I don't seem to be very good at email flirting, so my emails are kind of boring. How many ways can a girl say "I went to work. Drank a lot of coffee. Went home. Watched Tivo"? Not that I'm any more interesting when he's here, but at least if we are in the same state we can make out :-)

My Rookie Tivo Mistake.

When watching something you recorded a week ago, you can ignore the "severe weather warning" messages at the bottom of your screen. There is no need to call your friends and freak out about the "impending storm".

Roasted Green Beans

I got this idea from a blog I recently came across that's now one of my favorites. I've been trying more and more to cook from scratch and eat less preservatives and I'm shocked at how hard it is to find easy quick recipes. This one is going to become a major staple in my house.

2 lbs green beans (trimmed)
2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
Sea Salt

Heat oven to 450. Place beans on baking sheet and drizzle with oil. Turn beans to coat with oil.
Roast 15 minutes until brown, shaking tray ocassionally for even browning.
Sprinkle with salt and enjoy!

Cold Soba Noodles

I found this recipe at Eatingwell.com and it's one of my new favorites. Super easy and healthy too!

8 oz soba noodles
2 scallions, sliced
2 teaspoons sesame oil
2 teaspoons soy-sauce
2 teaspoons toasted sesame seeds

Cook noodles according to package directions. Drain the noodles in a colander and rinse under cold water. Transfer to a medium bowl and toss with scallions, oil, soy sauce and sesame seeds.

Iatrophobia

I like to think of myself as a practical person. I'm reasonable, rational. I put money in my 401k. I don't drink milk past its expiration date. I defragment my hard drive on a regular basis. Unfortunately there is one area in my life where the irrational wins and beats the practical side down and hides it in the tips of my toes. I absolutely can not bring myself to go to the Doctor. The mere thought of calling and making an appointment causes uncontrollable shaking and anxiety. Lately I've been having some potentially serious symptoms and the practical part of me knows it's time to make the call, yet I can't bring myself to do it. I think/hope that what I'm experiencing is related to my (15 year) delay in having my wisdom teeth removed, but I can't be sure and I know it's time to take action. I've searched online for treatments or possible solutions for this phobia, but they all of course involve actually going to the doctor, so it's a vicious cycle. I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

I wish the practical part of me could win this battle. I wish I was normal and could make an appointment and walk in like a normal person, minus the shaking and palpitations. I wish I had a support system out here, but I don't. Like all the other battles in my life I have to fight it alone and I'm afraid it's one I'm going to lose.

The Men *some names changed

There was Billy in junior high, who asked me out and then said “just kidding”. There was Patrick who used to kiss me at lunch in the high school band room. There was Scot; my first and only taste of requited love. I was 16 and it lasted 6 months. There was the guy who got wind I was going to ask him to the junior prom and said “like I would go out with you” as soon as I walked up to him. Brandon from the Army who was my best friend's brother and who sort-of proposed and then never called me again. Next was Jeff, my senior year of high school, who despite my intense love for him, never loved me back, though he did kiss me once. He came to visit me my second year of college; I sent him to the store to get me a soda and I never heard from him again. At 18 there was David, a relationship too complex to explain, let alone be in. A hybrid of unrequited love and no strings attached sex with some emotional abuse mixed in, still going on 10 years later. The beginning of my “friends with benefits” trend that seems to have no end. There was Jasper, who cheated on me with my roommate and is still with her, now 5 years later. There was MT who ended up having a wife and some issues with the law. There was Low Self Esteem Guy, Cheater Guy and Random Bar Guy who were one hit wonders. Andrew, who was incredible, but stopped seeing me because he “didn’t like the way I think”. There were the internet crazies who lasted only one cup of coffee, too many to list or even remember. Train boy who helped me out of a subway car during a minor evacuation. 15 years my senior with a child and the only one in the bunch to ever call me his girlfriend. Next was ML from match.com, who toys with my emotions, but knows how to make me feel beautiful. Who has relationships with other women, but comes to me when he wants to play and who is the only man to ever beat me at Scrabble. And then LD who I fell madly for, but who only saw me as an object.

Dating is a completely foreign concept to me. My experiences have been entanglements not relationships. I don't know what being part of something based on trust and admiration and healthy emotion is.

I’m afraid I’m too old to really learn how to love and be loved.

Yum Yum Yum

I did a test run of that orange chicken recipe I'm going to make for Eharmony boy when he gets back from his trip and it is SO FREAKING GOOD. I used all fresh ingredients, squeezing the orange and lemon juice by hand and it turned out unbelievable. I'm definitely making it again. Hopefully it will impress the boy! LOL

I've got tomorrow off due to President's Day. I love love love random weekdays off. Sleeping in and daytime TV. Such a luxury.

Genius. Pure Genius

I did end up making it to Whole Foods tonight, and every time I got I'm reminded why I LOVE love love going there. I can't/won't eat 90% of what my regular grocery store sells, so going to Whole Foods is an absolute luxury. An entire store made up of things I can eat! As a treat I got a container of mixed berries and a bar of dark organic chocolate. I melted the chocolate in the microwave and poured it over the berries and YUM YUM YUM was it fantastic. I'm in heaven.

I also got all the ingredients I need to make Orange Chicken for my dinner with Eharmony boy. I'm doing the test run on Sunday Chinese New Year so hopefully it comes out well or I'm going to have to come up with something else to make for him!

Snow!

Finally Finally Finally! I got the snow I've been longing for! I may be the only person in NYC happy about it, but I'm practically giddy.

In other news I decided on an orange chicken recipe to make for Eharmony boy's welcome back dinner. Since it's Chinese New Year this weekend I'm going to do a test run and see if it comes out ok. I need to make a trip to Whole Foods tonight to get the ingredients, but I'm not sure I'm feeling up to it. After a few days with no chest pains, they came back around this mornign around 5am and have stayed with me most of the day. Bleah. Chest pains=no fun.

On the upside I heard from my mail carrier personally today and he said he personally delivered mail to my mailbox today and I should be receiving mail regularly again, so (hopefully) my post-office induced 6 week mail hiatus is officially over. Still no explaination on why they suddenly decided to not deliver my mail for a month and a half, but I'll take what I can get.

Not as far as we thought....

There was an article in the NYT the other day about Harvard naming their first female president. The big story of the State of the Union was over the "first female Speaker". It is sad to me that in 2007 there is the need to highlight one's gender in this way. I long for the days when the headlines omit "female" and simple celebrate the naming of a new head, be it female or male. It's not gender equality when you have to point out the sex of the person holding the position in order for it to be news.

Feeling Better....and other random stuff

- After spending most of yesterday afternoon/evening in bed (even though I was watching the Grammys which is technically work-related), my chest pains are much better. I'm going to try and keep the upcoming three day weekend free and clear so that I can reschedule my "weekend of relaxation" that I was supposed to have this past weekend, but got ruined because I ended up having to work. I plan to spend the entire 3 days with my Tivo. Lets hope it actually happens this time.

- I finally heard from Eharmony boy (Yippee!!) , he was just without internet access and couldn't email. I can't believe his trip is only half over...it feels like he's been gone forever already. We have dinner plans when he gets back (I think I decided to make Orange chicken), and it will be nice to see him again and hear all about his trip.

- I'm reading "The Game", that book/manual that shows men how to pick up women....I'll write a full review when I'm done, but I've got to say it's the biggest piece of sh*t ever written. I knew it was going to irritate me when I read it, but WOW...anyone else read it?

Anyone use these?

I saw these on one of those organization shows and wanted to get them, but I don't know if they actually work. As a single person I can never eat salad/lettuce before it goes bad and this seems like a perfect solution (if it works). Anyone have these??

Relaxation Postponed.....

I ended up having to work all night last night and all day today, so no relaxing weekend for me. I at least convinced my boss to let me work from home, but it was still an extremely stressful few days. I definitely think my chest pains are due to stress. They were pretty severe all day today, but thankfully now that the work is done I'm feeling better. I made a cake from scratch (which turned out SO good), watched Swimming with Sharks and some Tivo and have just been lazing around. Hopefully tomorrow I can lay low and relax. A friend lent me the first season of Grey's Anatomy which I've never seen so I plan on laying in bed and having myself a little marathon. Wish me luck that the boss doesn't call!

Still no word from Eharmony boy...but uh...I'm trying not to think about it.

Relaxation....well I'm trying.....

My chest pains are slightly better, but still not gone. I spent hours last night googling various possibilities and basically came up with a combination diagnoses of stress and a pulled muscle. I will be spending the weekend in bed, trying not to move and relaxing in hopes of putting an end to these pains. Wish me luck.

Still no word from Eharmony boy....but in the interest of trying to relax...I'm not going to think about it....much.

The boss is out until next week, so today should be fairly relaxing at work. I'm going to try to work on my taxes at some point though. Hopefully doing math won't stress me out too much. Yes, it's true, I am one of the few people who still does their taxes themselves and BY HAND. No Turbo Tax for me. I'm old school. Pass me my abacus.

I only have energy for bullets....

- No word from Eharmony boy in 3 days. I know he's travelling in a foreign country and probably doesn't have email access readily available to him, but still I worry. It's what I do.

- Mild chest pains continue...and now my arm hurts. Bleah.

- Went to Barnes and Noble last night to hear Paul Auster speak about his new book and read from it. I know I have said this before, but it's truly amazing to hear a writer speak of and read his work. It's like a backstage pass to someone's mind. I meant to only go and hear him talk and pick up his book, but of course I picked up his and 3 others. I'm such a bookstore addict!

Suggestions!

Eharmony boy and I had a small wager on the Superbowl, if the Colts won, I had to make him dinner and if the Bears won he had to cook for me. My Bears lost :-( and now I've got to pay up. My cooking skills are currently limited to bread making, so I have no idea what to cook for him. Anyone have any meal suggestions?

Help!!!

Commute Trauma

My commute is normally 30-35 minutes. Today I left work at 6:33pm.

I arrived at home at 8:17pm.

I could have WALKED home faster than that. I've done it before. Of course this time it was 15 degrees, with a wind chill of -1 and 35 minutes of that was spent waiting for the train OUTSIDE.

I swear I heard the water in the bathtub sizzle when I got in.

It Made Me....

Blogger made me switch to new blogger, which I had desperately been trying to avoid. I haven't played with it yet. I'm too miffed at being forced to switch.

I hate change!

Superbowl...and Chest Pains...

With the Superbowl also comes a much lesser known event called PUPPYBOWL! If you are not familiar with it, turn on Animal Planet today and enoy the spectacle. It's truly a sight to see.

Last night I started feeling an odd tightness in my chest near my heart....I'm only 27 and I'm sure its nothing, but needless to say it has me a little freaked. I'm HOPING it's just a pulled muscle and it hasn't gotten any worse all day, but it's an odd feeling and I'd like it to go away. I wish there was some support group for people terrified of Drs.....I really need to be over this fear.

My fears about Eharmony boy have lessened, at least a little. In the 3 days he's been out of the country, I've heard from him every day, and he's even sent me some photos he's taken. It's nice to know he's thinking about me.

I'm an Ilinois girl so I'll be rooting for Chicago tonight. Go Bears!!!

TGIF!

Friday. Finally. It was one hell of a week and I'm glad to see it end. The prospect of spending the next 48 hours in my PJs in front of my Tivo is absolutely lovely. I even went out tonight after work and did my laundry in the rain so I didn't have to leave the apartment the rest of the weekend if I didn't want to. Two days of TV and Pjs (and of course the Superbowl) SO lovely!

Eharmony boy left on his month long trip yesterday. I still don't have much hope that we'll hang out again when he gets back, but he did text me this morning during his brief layover, so maybe there's a chance. I've never had an actual relationship, the whole "dating" thing is foreign to me and I feel like I don't know the boundaries and rules. I guess we'll see what happens when he gets back.