Love Panic

The past day or so I have felt a mix of emotions and feel like a rubber band ball of thoughts. Post doctor appointment anxiety, my upcoming trip to Illinois, moving and packing and the looming telling of my parents of the impending move have sent me to the edge. My life has changed dramatically in the past 5 months. There is a distinct path where there wasn't one before. A path I dreamed about taking. A road I never thought I would find.

 

Last night I broke down. I doubted everything. I doubted The Boy and with the clarity of a new day and a decent night's sleep came the guilt that I could doubt loving him. This love doesn't look like the loves of my past and I doubted its strength. I don't feel that constant "devastation if we aren't together" feeling that I have known so well when I had weak loves, that needed me to work so hard at perfection to keep them alive. With the Boy, love isn't based on fear and for a moment, it was unrecognizable to me. It's never been like this for me. We can talk about anything. He is accepting of my anxiety issues and is undeterred by them. He wants a future with me. He loves me unconditionally and makes sure that he shows me in some way every day. This is everything I have ever wanted and now that I have it, I feel overwhelmed by all the change and then guilty for having fears and doubts.

 

My married friends tell me this is 100% fine and that it's common to have doubts. We get lured into thinking that love is all unicorns and rainbows and there is a clear cut "how you are supposed to feel". Each love takes its own journey and it's unrealistic to expect any 2 loves to be the same. I think once the move is complete, the parents are met and told and a balance is restored, my sense of self and love will be renewed. I have faith in myself and in The Boy and I know that our love journey is nowhere near being over.

A Big Girl

Yesterday I put my big girl pants on and had a physical! Yes, that's right, I WENT TO THE DOCTOR!!!! I even let her take blood and give me a tetanus shot! I am so proud that I conquered my fear and The Boy was nice enough to buy me a donut as a post-dr appt reward! Fingers crossed all test results come out fine and that I don't have to have another appointment for a year! My arm KILLS post-shot, but hopefully that will subside in time for this weekends trip back to Illinois where The Boy meets The Parents.

Stay tuned!

Birthday Week

I had an amazing birthday weekend. Cake, a very romantic waterfront restaurant dinner, a Nook, a trip to the Poconos where we ate, drank, slept and talked....I couldn't have asked for a better birthday weekend! I just may keep getting older and older!

Now it's back to work and back to packing!

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT's not even noon and so far this birthday thing ROCKS. I got muffins from mom, truffles from a friend and a NOOK from The Boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoo hoo for 31!

Overindulgence

After TWICE paying off my debt, I find myself in an uncomfortable hole again. NOT the place I want to be before buying a car. I have overindulged and to be honest, I'm not even sure where the money I spent went. I know about 1/3 went to my sister's party and plane tickets home (money I was MORE than happy to spend), but as for the rest....I have NO idea.

My rent will go down this summer once I start living with the Boy, and I've started clipping coupons, which I have never done before. My goal is to get my debt down to half of what it is now before I purchase a car. I KNOW I need to find a good cash system that works for me, but I feel uncomfortable carrying large-ish amounts in my purse at one time. I've NEVER used my ATM card as a debit card, but I'm thinking that may be a good place to start. I will use my debit card for groceries and necessities and cash for anything entertainment/fun-related. I have a specific amount set aside each month for "non-necessities" which if I carry that in cash will limit my overindulgence in that area.

I'm disappointed in myself for getting out of control (again) but at least I have a plan.

I'm Happy...Really, but Moving SUCKS

I'm excited about my upcoming move, really I am, so allow me the indulgence of whining about it for a post.

Moving. Sucks.

When the Boy and I agreed to live together, it was all roses and excitement about upcoming trips to Ikea and the Container Store and romantic picnics in the yard. Fast Forward to now:

Packing, organizing, changing prescriptions across state lines, getting a NJ drivers license, needing proof of address when you don't have a lease or utility bill, changing magazine subscriptions to the wrong new address and having to change them AGAIN and oh did I mention the packing?

Also the telling of my parents, which will require a whole post of its own...you know, when I actually get up the courage to you know...do it.

MRSA

The Boy and I got our results back from the Dr. We have MRSA...the antibiotic-resistant staph. I am still researching and trying to figure out what it all means. Neither of us have "flare ups" right now and it can lay dormant for awhile, but we will have to be super diligent about any scratches, bites or cuts we get and we have a special cleanser to use in the shower. I hate knowing that at any time it could come back and make us both really sick.

These super-bugs are super scary!

A BIG step

My lease is up in August and The Boy and I have been discussing the possibility of living together at that time. We are likely going to do it, but I have to admit, I'm scared. I would be moving into his place in New Jersey, but we would be consolidating our furniture and putting some things in storage. It is a huge step in our relationship and even though I am 100% sure about him (and he feels the same), there is just a lot of "unknown" associated with it. How will we adjust to being together 24/7? How will all of our stuff fit together? Will I get enough "me" time?

I'm scared, but also very excited. Aside from the practical things that thrill me (he has a washer/dryer, dishwasher, I would FINALLY have an entire room dedicated to being my home office, I would be able to buy a car, my rent would be half of what it is now, etc.), I look forward to building our own little family unit and a life together. I have wanted this for so long, and had a rough dating journey to get here and am beyond excited to finally be in love and have the security of knowing I've found my person and he found his.

Let's just hope I like being a Jersey Girl!

The Catch Up

I think I am FINALLY on the mend from my whole staph debacle. The Boy still has a spot, but seems to be healing. I have a suspicious spot on my leg that I am keeping an eye on, but so far it doesn't seem to be taking the course the others did. Fingers crossed we can put this behind us and be collectively healthy for awhile!

Things with the Boy are still amazing...marriage has been discussed...rings have been looked at, but nothing definite as of yet. I think back to a year ago and wonder every day how on earth I got to this place. I wish I had kept my faith better through it all.

I got the invites for my sister's bridal shower in the mail today and they look amazing! Seriously if you need invites for anything, check out http://limoncellostyle.com/  I can't wait to have a reason to need invites for something again! LOL

I started a Couch to 5K program last week. I finished week 1 and will be starting on week 2 tonight. I'm doing it on the Wii, which I am sure lessens the impact of it slightly, but I am happy to get off the couch and at least working out again. So far so good! Let the pounds start melting off!

Whew, I think you guys are all caught up now. I'll try to be a better blogger!

The Good News and the Bad

I'm back from my follow-up dr appt. Apparently they were only testing me again because the lab screwed up (which is NOT what the woman told me on the phone!). It wasn't that I had abnormal results, I had NO results. I'm annoyed they made me worry, but at least it's over and hopefully they do it right this time.

The downside is, she found ANOTHER red spot on the back of my leg (its high up and I couldn't see it myself) that worries her, so I'm back on the antibiotics for the THIRD time now. I still can't figure out where this stupid infection is coming from. I'm afraid it is coming from the Boy...it seems to happen whenever I hang at his place. I have my physical next month...hopefully they can figure out what is causing it if anything.

3 Words

The Boy told me he loved me last night.

Despite the rough weeks I've had recently, I could NOT be happier right now.

*and yes, I said it back

Oy

I have a suspicious red spot on my leg....its not looking good. I put every single antibiotic cream, spray, salve and cleaner I had on it, bandaged it and am keeping my fingers crossed, but I'm worried it's going to turn into something ugly.

With all my health issues lately I thought it prudent to get a physical (its been um...a decade I think since I had one), but of course the next available appointment isn't until the end of May. Plenty of time for my doctor phobia to kick into overdrive and drive me INSANE with worry. Terrific.

Sorry about all the whining here lately....maybe someday my blog will stop sounding like the dining hall of a nursing home where everyone discusses their various ailments.

No breaks here

Even though my OB/GYN appt was over TWO MONTHS AGO, they called me today to tell me my tests had "abnormal results". She said it wasn't cancer, but that they just needed to run some more tests. Dr Google assures me this is 100% normal and that even if I have HPV (which is what the lady said they needed to re-test for) in most cases it goes away on its own, I'm still trying hard not to freak out. Why is my body breaking down at 30 on me??!!!

My follow-up appt is next week....wish me luck.

Holes and Showers

- So the leg saga continues. I ended up sort of yanking the infection/pus-type stuff out of my leg, which left a gaping hole about the size of a dime and 1/4" deep. It looks scarily like a gunshot wound. LOL There is minimal pain though so I'm hoping it will just heal. I'm snapping a pic and sending it to the dr tonight so we will see what he says. The Boy is getting his looked at tomorrow, so fingers crossed we are finally on our way to healing!

- My mom dropped a major bomb on me last night. Apparently, I am in charge of planning my sister's bridal shower and my mom wants to do it at their house before they sell it, so I have 8 weeks. Um gee thanks. I barely know my sister at all, don't know her tastes, hell I don't even know what she eats and I'm supposed to plan a party for her???!! I sent my mom some ideas today and thankfully she liked them. I'm going with a gerber daisy theme (those are the flowers my sister is using in the wedding). Now if I could only figure out what sister eats. LOL

Aaaaaaaaand...

(tired of me whining yet? I am too!)

I think I have an absess in my gums...there is this weird pocket/bubble on my bottom right side. I was supposed to get my wisdom teeth out down there awhile ago (ahem...15 years ago...) and I wonder if it's related to that. Thankfully it's not painful at all and I'm already on antibiotics, but I think once I am FINALLY over staph round 2, I may have to hit up my dentist/oral surgeon.

The Boy's infection is still raging. He saw a dr yesterday who said he just has to wait it out. I still feel SO BAD for causing him pain. Poor Boy...he's the perfect boyfriend and I reward him my giving him staph. :-(

Seriously, when am I going to get a break?!!!

On the upside, I made these tasty blueberry muffins from the Skinnygirl Dish cookbook I got last week. Its been a great resource for teaching me how to re-think my cooking and making it healthier.

  

Ok now...SERIOUSLY?

My pharmacy made a mistake and only gave me 2/3 of the antibiotics I need for my infection.

The cleaning service I hired to disinfect my apartment never showed and their number has now been disconnected.


And the hits just keep on coming.

Too Much

I think I heard somewhere once that life never throws more at you than you can handle.

Currently I am "handling":

1) my second staph infection in 3 and a half weeks. The pain is unbearable and every day I pray that this second course of antibiotics kicks in and stops the pain.

2) having given my beloved Boy a staph infection! Apparently we are at the "sharing germs" stage of our relationship. Plus the poor guy has no insurance and is allergic to antibiotics, so that throws some fun and extra excitement in the mix for him.

3) the unexpected death of my uncle and missing his services because I am clearly contagious and should not be traveling.

4) a MAJOR weight gain, when I am supposed to be on track for LOSING. Not being able to workout for over a month, not being able to get out of bed for 1.5 weeks and the constant feeling that someone is attempting to build a fire in my upper thigh have lead up to the extra pounds creeping on.

On the tiny tiny upside of all this, my apartment is being cleaned/disinfected this weekend and I don't have to lift a finger AND I discovered that One-a Day makes gummy ADULT vitamins. I have always had trouble swallowing pills so this is a real find! Ironically though, you have to take TWO a day, despite the One-a-Day name.

So life, if you have anything else you need me to take on, I urge you to reconsider. I am running on empty!

Catch Up

- Apparently battling staph in my right leg made my left leg feel left out (pardon the pun) and I now have an infection in that leg too! I'm not 100% sure it's staph and it seems to be slowly fighting itself off this time, so I'm waiting it out to see if my immune system kicks in on its own instead of rushing back to the dr again. I would rather not get antibiotics again if I can help it.

- I am ITCHING to be healthy again and get back to my Wii workouts! I've gained some of my weight back being so sedentary because of the infections and I would love to get that off again.

- The Boy officially asked me to be his girlfriend last weekend and I of course said yes! I can't resist, at least temporarily putting up a photo of us, so here we are on a recent walk under the GW bridge:

I fought the Staph...and *I* Won!

Finally back at work after the great Staph Battle of 2010. The leg is almost fully healed, but I am still fighting incredible fatigue. I feel like I could still sleep for DAYS. I'm hoping I feel 100% soon. I hate this feeling of exhaustion.

Resolution....I think

I took advice in between Angela and Coastin Anon. In one of our usual conversations I casually and calmly brought up where we were on exclusivity (not specifically mentioning eharmony) and he assured me that although it hasn't been a great deal of time (3 months) he is completely committed to seeing where things go with us. He was open with me and told me how he feels about me (which was nice to hear) so I'm going to TRY not to dwell on it and believe both his words and current actions.

THANK YOU GUYS! I think I would have totally panicked and blew it out of proportion more than I did if I didn't have my blog commenters so BIG HUGS all around! (which I just typed as BIG HUTS...) Huts for everyone! lol