2%!

I heard an astounding statistic this morning. Apparently, only 2% of women think they are beautiful. 2%!! (Source:Dove Global Study: The Truth About Beauty (pdf)) Can this number really be that low?? I mean I'm certainly guilty of never feeling attractive, but I guess I assumed that the millions of attractive women I see on the streets of NY daily thought THEY were. As a teen I never bought into the "I have to look like the women in the magazines" mentality. I didn't seek to emulate characters on TV or feel pressure to look and act like them. I don't recall consciously relating to celebrities or looking to them as role models in any way. My own insecurities came from my peers. Throughout my entire childhood I can remember being mocked or ostracized by the kids at school. In junior high when other kids starting doing the pre-teen version of "dating", guys took no interest in me (a trend that continues into my 20s), even going so far as to tease me by asking me out, waiting until I said yes and then saying "Just kidding...Loser". In high school I mustered up all my courage to ask a guy to Prom and before I could even get the words out, he said "I heard what you were going to ask me, and you are a fool to think I'd go to prom with you". It wasn't just the guys either, In junior high I was (or so I thought) part of the "in" group of girls, we ate lunch together, I got invited to all their parties, I invited them to my own house, until one day I overheard them talking about how I was the "joke" friend. They were friends with me to get information about me and my life and then spread it around school for everyone to mock. I learned very early on not to trust people and that I wasn't desirable, not only physically but emotionally as well. I never felt beautiful because I never felt wanted. Why we choose other people as our "beauty" yardstick eludes me, yet we all do it. Beauty is measured by women in magazines, actors on TV, men we'd like to date, our peers, our enemies, even our family. It's less about how we feel and more about how close we come to the 5'10 110 lb standard. In a world of 300 million why is the measure of beauty based on 6 supermodels?

I wonder if the alpha junior high girls are part of the 2%.

Love it Love it Love it

As a single person who is culinarily challenged, I am constantly dissapointed by the portion sizes of food in the grocery store. I'd love to buy those bags of salad (minus e-coli of course), but I'd have to eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner to finish the bag off before it spoils. The giant boxes of cereal go stale long before I can finish them off, even in airtight containers. Bricks of cheese turn funny colors before I can make my way through it. The grocery store is anti-single cook, so when I saw this I fell in love. Biscuits packaged in twos! No more scary tubes that pop when you open them forcing you to make 10 biscuits at a time. Hurrah!!

How I make coffee.

1. Clean counter off.
2. Fill coffee pot with water.
3. Spill water on counter while filling reservoir.
4. Clean Counter.
5. Put filter in, add coffee grounds.
6. Spill coffee grounds on counter.
7. Clean counter.
8. Wait for coffee to percolate. Spill coffee on counter while pouring into mug.
9. Clean counter.

Now I know why Starbucks charges so much.

You know it's bad when.....

you get home so late/early that you can't figure out why the lighting outside the train looks so strange and then it dawns on you..the weird lighting is actually the sun rising.

Bonus points for anyone who caught the "dawn" pun.

The sounds of Fall.....

The temperature is dropping, the leaves are dropping. The air has a crisp feel to it. I can dig my cute coats out of the closet. I love Fall.

However;

This cooling off also means they turn on the heat in my apartment, which includes an extremely loud banging/hissing from the radiator in my bedroom. Every night without fail I am startled awake by the sounds. My heart pounds and I leap towards the baseball bat I keep by my bed (hey it's NYC and I live alone!) before realizing the clanking is not a burglar coming to steal my extensive collection of books and Target furniture, but just the sound of the radiator expelling heat. Googling the issue has turned up nothing useful. It's going to be a LOOOONG winter...sigh.

Date that keeps on getting worse AGAIN

Friday. 9pm. 1 week after our last pleasant encounter. Text message from the date from hell:

"Thank god its friday...it was a rough week for me..u?"

Why yes it WAS a rough week for me. Some guy was an absolute JERK to me and kept calling and harassing me because I didn't want to sleep with him on the FIRST DATE. Ugh.

I have a bad case of the "i'll never haves"

Sometimes I find myself stuck in the "i'll never have....". My mind races through all the little things and scenarios of life I feel I'll never experience. Practically I know it's stupid and I should "never say never", but it doesn't stop my mind and heart from temporarily losing myself in being sad.

I'll never have a child. I'll never own a home. I'll never know what its like to sleep with someone who loves me. I'll never have a job doing something I love. I'll never have a boyfriend....the list of nevers, never ends.

I know that everything on my list is a luxury, that I can only wish for those things because I have so much else in my life that is stable and my needs are more than met. It doesn't make me want them any less though. I yearn to experience a good love once in my life. My one experience loving someone was ugly, partly because he never loved me back and partly because he never respected my feeling and manipulated it to fulfill his own needs. I've never loved someone who loved me back. I have no concept of what it's like, and I fear the absence of it has made me cold to the world.

I was looking through my memory box the other night, and came across this card someone gave me for my last birthday. I don't think I had read it fully when my friend had given it to me and I was struck deeply by the words:

Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. delicious ambiguity....

So true and so hard to accept. I'm going to try though..there's beauty in the ambiguity...I just have to find it.

Enough already!

Could we stop with the planes crashing into NYC buildings please?!

Stupid x 2

Had another day off today. Spent it talking online for 6+ hours to Chicago boy again.

Will I ever get over him?

I am in DIRE need of french fries....

I have tried many remedies for a hangover....water, Advil, gatorade, m&ms, but nothing works for me except french fries. They have mystical healing powers and I'm in desperate need for a big plate of them right now.

Went to an AMAZING concert for work last night. Most of the concerts I have to attend for work are small venues or clubs, but when our biggest artist played in NY last night, we all got to attend the show (with VIP seating I might add!) and it was amazing. I noticed a cute guy in a blue shirt in our section that I didn't recognize, so I did some major asking around and managed to find out he was a guest of someone in our digital distribution department. I managed to get him an invite to an after-party I attended and ended up chatting him up all night. Unfortunately he is from LA and was only in NY for 24 hours. Sigh. We exchanged some emails this morning, but after the perfunctory "nice meeting you, have a safe trip back to LA", "great meeting you too, I enjoyed the concert and having drinks with you" exchange I'm not sure what else I can say. Oh well...it was nice to chat up a cute boy for a few hours....makes the hangover slightly more bearable.

Apartment 4A Curse Redux

I thought that when the volatile couple upstairs broke up and moved out, it would be the end of my days listening to tempers (and headboards) clash all night, but alas the curse of apartment 4A continues. From the hours of 11pm to nearly 4am the new couple who now live above me screamed at eachother incessantly, once again keeping me awake. Though this couple is far less amorous (or they have a better quality bed with minimal squeaking/no headboard), they add a bilingual flair to their hostilities and definitely have the competitive edge over couple #1. I know I could call the police, or complain to the super, but I've been in their shoes and I know that sometimes you just have to get the emotions out. If I thought she (or even he) were in any danger, I of course would do something, but I've been there enough to recognize the inflections of argument, even in another language, and though lengthy, this was nothing more than a heated discussion. I hope for their sake (and for mine!) that whatever it was they got it out of their system and there won't be repeat performance tonight.

I wonder if I should warn them of the curse....perhaps a belated housewarming gift of sage to exorcise the demons?

The date that keeps on getting worse...

I met a guy online a few months ago through Craigslist. I had posted something about looking for people to hang out with and he responded. We emailed back and forth for months before he said that even though he’s really apprehensive about meeting people online, he wanted to meet up. He suggested Friday after work…at 10:30pm! Even though it was totally a “I’m not committing to dinner until I see how hot you are” time, I agreed and we met up at a bar near work (I picked there because it was a place I was sure to know someone and the bartenders recognize me. I figured it was a safe place to meet up). We had a few drinks and the conversation was intelligent, yet still flirty. We stayed out pretty late and we finally left when the bar closed. As I started to walk to my train, he held my hand. Even though his train was in the opposite direction, I thought he was just being a gentlemen and walking me to the subway since it was like 3:30am. Once we got to the train I turned to say goodbye and he starts in on how he’s felt this “connection” and he wants to come home with me! I told him that I was sorry if I had given off the impression that I was that kind of girl, but that I do not take people I just met into my home. I thanked him for a nice evening and said goodbye. He kept yammering on about how we were both adults and how he didn’t see what the problem was. There weren’t many people around, so I decided to walk another 10 blocks to Grand Central where there was more likely to be other people around. He wasn’t being forceful in any way and I wasn’t scared, but I thought it best to try to walk to a more crowded location in case he got even more argumentative. By the time we got there it was nearing 4am and I just wanted to get home. I told him again very clearly that I was NOT bringing a stranger into my house and he kissed me goodbye and went on his way. I chalked his behavior up to typical tipsy horniness and still hoped to hear from him the next day.

He text messaged me a few times the next afternoon, mostly baseball trash talk since I’m a Mets fan and he’s a Yankees. It was cute though…he said he was coming back into the city that night (he lives on Long Island) for a party. I told him to have fun and that I’d be home watching the Mets game. That night (technically this morning) at 4:40AM my phone rings and it’s him, telling me he wants to come over. After telling him he was insane, that a guy who respects a woman does NOT call her up for a 5am booty call, he got mad saying he didn’t know why I was playing hard to get. After getting mad, I abruptly got off the phone and told him to go home. About 15 minutes later I get this text message “thanks for making me miss my train. I don’t know why u r playing these mind games”. I was IRATE. I resisted the urge to call him back and tell him off and shut my phone off and tried to go back to sleep.

I REALLY want to send him an email today telling him off, but I wonder if I should just let it go and quit taking his calls. I am so upset….his text message really pissed me off and I want to let him know. What do you guys think, should I tell him off or let it go?

Seriously, are there ANY men out there who respect women anymore??

UPDATE: I just got this text message: "my apologies for the 4am call...i was drunk and did not realize it was inappropriate"

I wish they knew.

I'm surrounded by many people who have been lucky in love. 90% of my friends married within a few years of leaving college, and a good portion of those met their partners in high school (and in some cases junior high!). My sister, though only 20 years old as of yesterday, had bf #2 stick and it looks like they'll get married after graduation as well. I know its a hard path to take and that it takes work, especially when you are so young, but so far all the marriages in my circle of friends have stuck and I wish them all many many years of happiness. I just wish my parents hadn't given up on me. Though my parents think my sister should wait to get married, my mom can't help chatting with my sister about wedding ideas, and my dad can barely contain his desire for grandchildren. They've both said to my sister that the pressure is on her since clearly she'll be the only one taking that path and fulfilling their dreams. I take at least part of the blame. I act like I don't care, that I'm indifferent to marriage and children. I joke about men not being interested and say I'm too much of a clean freak to have kids, but I'd gladly give up my Swiffer to have a family someday. I know that I've given up hope on me, but it hurts that much more to know that they've given up hope on me as well. I know I've been a constant disappointment to my parents....they never quite understood my path and view on life. I know you aren't supposed to care what they think, but I do. I was given up at birth and they took me in, gave me and my sister a very privileged life....I guess part of me feels like I should be more grateful and should show it by making them proud. It's never been something I've been able to do though and I'm not sure I ever will. At least my sister followed the "normal" path for them. She got it right....why can't I?

Bad things happen in 3s.

I can't imagine what it's like to have a child in school right now. 3 shootings in the span of a week, and in areas of the country you would least expect. When I was in high school, just 10 years ago, the thought of shootings and metal detectors was foreign. We had a uniformed cop who walked the halls, but I don't remember ever have a sense of fear aligned with going to class every day. If anything, I would probably have been voted most likely to be the one doing the shooting. My school years from preschool on were riddled with ridicule and incessant emotional abuse of sorts from my peers. The thought of retaliation of any kind never crossed my mind at all though and certainly not violence of any kind. It's a scary world we live in now, maybe it was always a scary world we lived in and now we are just more aware of it. I can't imagine what it will be like in another 10 years......

I'm not going....

I cancelled my interview tomorrow. I felt it just wasn't worth giving up my nights and weekends for $7 an hour. I'm still taking tomorrow off though....I'm watching the L&O SVU marathan tonight (well technically its morning) and sleeping in. I have personal and vacation days to burn so I might as well enjoy them!

Neighbors

Before my post on neighbors, I first want to say that I'm currently sucking so bad in the weekly football pool this week I may be kicked out of the running due to complete suckage.....

Yesterday while wielding the MANY boxes of to-be-assembled IKEA furniture up the stairs of my friend's new apartment building, we met two of her neighbors. In the first 30 seconds of being there we met her neighbors. I've lived in my apartment for two years and have only heard the amorous sounds of my (apparently talented) upstairs neighbor and his latest conquest. I've never spoken to any of my neighbors, I don't know their names, occupations or even what they look like. I have a cordial relationship with the contraband cat across the way who sits in the window that looks into my living room, but that's it. No I take that back, during the blackout I met the drunk Irish guy who lives in the building, but apparently in his sober moments he doesn't remember me, since the other morning when I left for work I passed him and he completely ignored me, so I'm gonna say that doesn't count. I would love to know at least the people who live on my floor, but I'm not the type of person to go knocking on doors introducing myself. I guess my building is just the anti-social, loud sex having, cat hiding haven of NYC.

Yum!

I felt like "cooking" dessert tonight, but since it's currently "The Grapes of Wrath" in my apartment I couldn't decide what to make. Flipping through my recipie book I came across something I tore out of Real Simple magazine. Raspberry Smores! Graham crackers, marshmallow, raspberries and chocolate! Pile it up, stick in the toaster oven on the broil setting and enjoy! It was heaven! I highly recommend for a quick sweet treat!

I helped a friend move to Queens from Long Island today. Driving down the roads in LI always makes me miss Illinois. Being in a car, surrounded by nature...it's very similar to the suburbs of Chicago. I miss having a car so much.....I drove a bit today and it felt so nice. Once I pay off this debt I really need to start saving for car....and for moving....I wish all that didn't seem so far away. In the meantime I'll be here eating raspbery smores.

Behold the Glory of the VCR

FINALLY I've mastered the VCR/cable box mystery and got the Greg Behrendt show to record. It's a little trashier than I was hoping.....he tries too hard sometimes to be Maury Povich circa 1999. I feel they really missed the mark with this show. First of all, it shouldn't be a daytime show. Single people aren't home to watch this at 9am on a weekday. Secondly, the traditional talk show format doesn't work for the type of information he is trying to present. This should be an evening show where he is in a different setting each week. One week he could be giving advice on approaching someone in a bar, another week he could be giving tips on how to get the most from speed dating. An evening show with a variety of practical advice in everyday situations would appeal to a wider audience and be much more engaging than this. I'll probably still watch his show for the information, but skip the topics that are trashy and overdone.

At this point I would do anything to get a decent date.....

A case of the fussies...and it's contagious.....

It seems that everyone has a case of the fussies around here lately. I hate that I'm jumping into the pool of fuss too, but I can't help but get sucked in. I'm not sleeping well at all (despite the FABULOUS new down comforter I bought at Ikea last week). I've been plagued with sleep issues since I was 15, but lately I've had a whole new set of problems. I seem to be having stress dreams....bizarre replays of events of the previous day that I play out in a variety of different endings. I'm not getting restful sleep at all, my mind continues to race, and it's been going on for weeks. If this keeps up I'm breaking out the Nyquill for some good quality Nyquill knock out sleep. I LOVE that stuff.

In other news, I got an interview for that $7 an hour intern job. Of course he wants to do it during a WORK day, when I specifically said I couldn't do, which is irritating, but I said yes and I'm taking a 1/2 day off work for it. For $7 an hour.....it's so frustrating. On the one hand I feel like it's good experience since I want to get back into the event planning work after a two year hiatus, but on the other hand I'm not sure if I can work 7 days a week, potentially 60-70 hours a week. I'm already working 50 here and this would be on top of that on the nights and weekends. I'm trying to earn extra money, but at most it's a couple hundred dollars a month, so I'm not sure it's really worth it. Plus I'm wasting a half personal day just to interview, and how much is being an event intern really going to help my resume?? Ugh....I hate job hunting....

Monday Night Football

As a member of our office football pool, I have a financial interest in tonight’s Saints/Falcons game, yet my pick (the Saints) for this game was an emotional one. I truly want them to win their first game at home since Katrina. As I watch the pre-game spectacle I can’t help but recall the images of the Superdome that were played over and over again on CNN after the hurricane. I thought that watching tonight’s game would be empowering. That it would be a statement of survival and momentum, but instead I felt a completely different set of emotions. I felt anger. This location was the site of death and incredible sadness and to see it now be a site of celebration is sickening. I’m still hoping for a Saints win, but I don’t think I can watch 22 multi-millionaires play a game, and cheerleaders and fans cheer on a field that was not so long ago the site of innumerable, horrific facets of the human condition.

Life v.2.2

"There's no reason we should spend so much time pining for another version of our lives. "

A co-worker of mine said that today in a discussion we were having about loneliness. The words really resonated with me. It seems like "growing up" means always waiting for the next version of life to begin. From wanting to be "a big girl" when we are toddlers, to waiting to get our driver's license, waiting to be 21, waiting to graduate college, waiting to get a job, waiting to get married, waiting to have children....everything is about the "next" and not about the now. What scares me about being in my late 20s is that I feel like I'm growing farther away from what I want from life. Actually what scares me is that I have no control over the things I want. After college, the milestones of life aren't controllable or certain. I knew that I would learn to drive, that eventually I would turn 21, that if I worked hard enough and studied diligently I would graduate college, now I no longer "know" if I will hit the next stages of life. I don't know if I will meet someone, I don't know if I will ever have a family. The "nexts" in life are not as certain as they once were. Statistically as I get older, the likelihood of marrying dwindles significantly; physically, my ability to bear children without an increased likelihood of complications decreases; and mentally, my openness to change of routine and solitary habits diminishes, as does my hope. My co-worker has a point though. Waiting for possibility causes stagnation and a narrow view of the definition of what "a good life" is. People always say that after someone dies, "she had a good life", but what does that mean exactly? They followed a formula? education + job + marriage + kids = peaceful death?? What does education - minor academic detour + job + moving across the country for fun + job in completely unrelated field + owning a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You" equal?

A Compliment from an Unlikely Source.....

My apartment building brings in an exterminator once a month. Today was Exterminator Saturday and it wasn't the regular guy we normally have. As the new guy was leaving after he did his thing throughout the apartment, he turned to me and said he really liked my apartment! What a great compliment...I mean this guy goes through apartments all day long, so it was pretty cool he liked mine. It always makes me very proud when people compliment my space....it's filled with books and my photographs and everything in here I either painted, stained or made and it's very "me". So thanks to the NYC exterminator for totally making my day!

It's SO dissapointing

When you get home all excited because you taped the new talk show by that guy who wrote "He's just not that into you" and you hit rewind on the VCR and patiently wait sitting in your PJs with a bowl of popcorn and hit "play".....and realize you've recorded 1 hour of blank screen because you forgot to leave the cable box turned on while the VCR was recording.

I REALLY need Tivo.

It's come to this...

I applied for a second job today. A$7 an hour job as an intern....and I'm 27 years old. I just can't seem to get out of this debt from London and I don't make enough at my current job to make ends meet and get my head above water, so I'm forced to work nights and weekends at least for awhile. The problem is there aren't many jobs that are that flexible that only want someone who is available after 6pm on weeknights and on the weekends. I'm doubtful I'll find anything, but I've got to start looking. I suppose the next step is looking for alternate full-time jobs that pay more than what I make now, but with no skills and a stupid theatre lighting degree I've got to be the least marketable person in the country. I'll never stop kicking myself for majoring in something so useless. Automatically I get tossed in the "no way in hell" pile because it looks like I have an "easy" degree. Never mind the 3 days straight I stayed awake drafting that final project for TD class by HAND. Never mind the blood and sweat of working on shows on top of doing classwork and tests. Nevermind working under the pressure of having someone PAY to be an audience member of something that was your homework. I fully acknowledge that I am the worst cover letter writer ever, and that selling myself like a used car will never be a forte of mine, both of which contribute to my complete inability to gain employment through applications and resumes. In fact, I've yet to get a job based on a resume, it's all been recommendation thus far. I have an unmatched work ethic, my "easy" degree taught me incredible problem solving and multitasking skills. I've worked under rigid 8pm curtain time deadlines and never missed a one! I know what working under pressure is and have never been flummoxed, yet I can't find employment anywhere.

I'm beginning to feel like a Barbara Ehrenreich experiment.

Comments Comments!

Due to popular demand I have switched my commenting to allow anyone (not just blogger users) to comment! This applies to the photo blog as well so leave your loves, hates and thoughts!

Anyone out there?

I dress like a librarian.....

I HATE shopping. Hate it. I need new clothes, but I can't find anything that fits and is figure flattering. I can NOT believe that those narrow leg jeans are back in fashion. They don't look good on even the skinniest of women. But of course that's what in style now and so that's what the stores have. I can't find ANY clothes that fit and shopping just makes me feel like a big cow. I love jCrew, but they've decided my size is a "special" size and they don't carry it in the stores which means you can't try it on and you have to pay shipping just to even SEE if something fits. None of the specialty stores my friends shop at carry larger sizes so whenever I go shopping with the girls at work I can't buy anything. It's so depressing. I've been sitting in front of my computer for the past hour looking at clothes only to have them not carry my size or deem me off their size charts. jCrew, the Gap, Victorias Secret and Kenneth Cole all deem my size to be not worthy of wearing their brand. I've even looked at stores that cater to larger clientele, such as Lane Bryant, but there I'm too SMALL! Are there NO people in this world that are a size 14? Am I in some bizarre twilight zone where all the clothes are either too small or too big?? It's bad enough that men won't give the time of day to any woman over a size 0, but even major clothing manufacturers don't acknowledge those of us who are bigger. Project Runway recently did a challenge they called "real women" which meant designing for their family members (some of whom were larger than the size 0-2 models they usually work with. The designers got to choose their subjects and the "plus size" women were of course chosen last. The designers clearly had no training in design for anyone with a non-model body and all came up with shapeless outfits with no attention to detail or design. I suppose I'm just ranting.....I should shut up, go work out and get tiny enough to gain the respect of men and body type worthy of wearing Kenneth Cole. It's just too bad I'm not considered human in the mean time.

It hurts!

I'm a reasonable person. I'm rational and practical and have a good head on my shoulders, but I have a confession to make. I'm am terrified of doctors/dentists, so I don't go....Ever. On the extreme rare occassions I have gone, I shake, my heart pounds and I feel nauseaous. My mother asked me a few months ago under what circumstances I WOULD voluntarily go to the doctor under and my answer was "I would have to be unconcious". It isn't smart, it isn't healthy, but I truly can NOT deal with the trauma of going to the doctor, so it's been years since I've seen either.

My wisdom teeth have been cutting in for over 10 years now. I've dealt with the pain in a variety of ways, downing IB profin every few hours, slathering on the Ambesol and even getting a baby teething ring to hold against my gums, but nothing is working any more. My general health policy is "everything eventually goes away" which has worked for me up until now, but I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with the constant throbbing pain in my gums. If this is what babies go through when they are teething I have absolute sympathy for them. No wonder they scream their heads off.

Maybe it will eventually go away.....

I went to the ZOO!

Finally the weather was nice (hurrah for the end of the rain!) here and I got out yesterday and went to the zoo with some people from work. I didn't really get any good photos though, I seem to be having a bit of a focus problem and some of my shots came out overexposed. I put some up on my photo site, but I'll be adjusting them tonight a bit and seeing if I can sharpen the up and play with the color a bit. I think it's been so long since I've seen sunlight that I wasn't aware of how bright it was outside, hence the overexposure. I REALLY need a better lens though..I'm feeling very limited by the one I have, but my computer is on it's last leg and that will have to be dealt with first. Bleah.

I was going to skip going home for Thanksgiving this year, but I found out that for the first year in a LONG while, everyone in my family is going home this year so if I don't go I'll be the only one not there. I'm not big on the whole Thanksgiving meal...I don't eat meat and my dad puts sausage on the stuffing, so basically I end up travelling 900 miles to eat green beans and a roll. My meal at Christmas is pretty much the same, except sometimes they put bacon in the greenbeans so then I'm there for the applesauce and roll. I get better food on the plane. LOL

A long week....

and it's not even over. Bleah.

My dad seems to be doing better since his surgery, but I can't shake the feeling that he isn't telling us the whole story, and I worry he's not recovering as well as he claims he is. It's so hard to see your parents get older. I knew it was coming I suppose, but I wasn't prepared. I'm the oldest, I'm supposed to be the strong one who can handle these things, but I'm not and I can't. It's stupid, but it's times like this when I miss having a man around the most...to be the solid one, the one to help me through the hard stuff. When my grandfather died suddenly I fell apart and wasn't coherent for days....my dad, an only child, was a rock. He helped with arrangements and took care of his mom. I know that I don't have it in me to be that strong when the time comes and I worry about what will happen.

Things at work have been stressful lately...I made a mistake at work earlier this week, when the owner of the company brought it to my attention, I swiftly rectified it by sending an email to my contact over there LadyA and had the situation under control. My lawyer boss found out about it and jumped into "fixer" mode and exhausted his contacts at the company I made the error at, who ultimately told him the solution was to send an email to LadyA. He then sent an email to the owner of the company (and 3 other big wigs) saying that I would send an email to LadyA and fix the situation. AFTER I HAD ALREADY SENT AN EMAIL TO LADYA like 3 HOURS BEFORE! Rargh..so now I look incompetant and like I couldn't fix a problem when things got tough. It's so frustrating....I feel like I have no credibility at that company, even though I put in the late hours and never take days off and do everything that is asked. Rargh.

Got Farenheit 9/11 to watch tonight. I probably shouldn't watch it with Aaron in Iraq......but nothing else the Library had caught my eye. I did renew the Clinton biography and get a travel book for DC while I was there, so the Library probably has me on watch for being some sort of liberal political activist. Oh well. I've been called worse.

I'm going to DC!

I've been wanting to go to DC to get some photos and I'm finally planning my trip! I mentioned to a coworker that I was hoping to get down there and she asked if she could tag along, two other girls from work are also coming and we're making a girls weekend of it. I'm really excited, it should be a great trip and I think it's just what I need to snap me out of my artistic slump I've been experiencing since London. Keep your fingers crossed I get some good photos out of the trip!!

9/11

There was a statistic in today's paper that said that 90% of the people polled still remember where they were when they heard about the September 11, 2001 attacks. I was living in Illinois and I was in bed. As an incurable insomniac, I had only been in bed a few hours and I recall thinking as I turned over angrily to answer the ringing phone "it's too bloody early for phone calls, someone better be dead". I'd take those words back in a heartbeat now if I could. Even now, 5 years later when I'm awoken by the phone, my heart races and my mouth goes dry. The worst case scenario flashes through my mind.

It was my friend Caryn on the phone, telling me to turn the TV on. As she started to explain what was happening, terrorism was the furthest thing from my mind. I thought it was a fluke plane malfunction or case of pilot disorientation. Then the second plane hit, and I had to face that this was no accident. A third plane hit the Pentagon and you started to wonder what was next. I was working as an event planner for a major university at the time, and eventually I was called into work to start putting together an impromptu memorial service. With my family in New York and not everyone accounted for yet, I asked to be excused from having to attend and oversee the event. I wasn't ready to memorialize anything yet. I needed to focus on the living. I remember rushing home to watch CNN as soon as I could. Over the coming days and months and now years I've watched the same images over and over again. I've never gotten used to them or become immune to them, and I hope I never do.

I visited NY from Illinois in March of 2002, 6 months after the attack. Flying was still difficult then, but I felt it was important I come out here. CDC was with me on that trip and I remember him dragging me to a computer store in lower Manhattan. We were on the 4th or 5th floor of the store and I remember walking past the window that overlooked the site. The view of the debris and massive hole in a city of wall to wall structures was very jarring and it's an image that sticks with me still. Before I returned to Illinois from that trip, I bought a 9/11 photography book. My favorite photographer James Nachtwey has some of the most striking shots from that day and even though I knew it was a book I would rarely look at because of the emotions it evoked, I thought it was important to own. When I was packing the book wouldn't fit in my suitcase, so I stuffed it in the pocket of my carryon. Back then they were screening your bags at the gate again before you boarded the plane. The TSA woman who went through my bag pulled the book out and started flipping through the pages. I stood there waiting to board the plane as she soaked up the images, just as I had done in the bookstore. With a sad sigh, she turned the last page, returned my book to my bag and I got on the plane.

I live in New York City now. The sound and sight of low flying planes still makes everyone stop and look up, just for a second. I think in this city it always will. We've seen the worst case scenario and we know it could happen again.

Crazy Thursday

Boss is back at work....the day started off absolutely insane, but got quieter as the day went on. My brain has been on sensory overload all day and I'm looking forward to getting home and being in a no-music, phone off, no email beeping in environment for awhile. Thank goodness Friday is near. I had plans to go to the DADA exhibit at MOMA this weekend but my friend I was going with blew me off so I doubt I'll go. A friend of a friend is having a jazz concert on Sunday I may go to....I need to learn to resist the urge to spend entire weekends at home in bed....getting out at least once in 48 hours is good for the soul.

I miss having a creative job. I had to work on a project with the art department this morning and watching my coworker work in photoshop and illustrator had me wistful for the days of having a job that made me "think". Once again the ugly notion of returning to school started to seep into my brain, but I wouldn't know what to major in, I can't afford it and a million other practical reasons flooded my momentary wistful thought. An evening or weekend continuing ed class may be more attainable, but it seems a waste of money if I'll never use the skills.....I should at least take Photoshop though, but first I need a new computer. A helpful hint, don't drop your laptop onto your hardwood floors....they don't bounce well.

I got another wedding annoucement from a guy I new in college today.....just furthering my belief that my quest for marriage and a family is unattainable. I wish I wasn't so sensitive to seeing people in love, or couples on the street. It's something that has gotten worse the older I get. I feel like an awful person, seeing other people be happy shouldn't make me sad, but it does. I saw two people in Grand Central the other morning making out like teenagers (and believe me they were NOT teenagers) and I tried to remember the last time I was even kissed....needless to say it's been a LONG while. I just can't shake the "it's never gonna happen" feeling and it's hard not to let it get me down.

It doesn't help things that I've been going through an artistic slump lately...post-London I haven't been able to get a good shot of ANYTHING and it's upsetting me more than I like to admit. Taking photos is the only thing I feel I've ever been even a little bit good at and if I lose that I'm not sure where that leaves me....

Hmm maybe I just have the post-summer blues.....anyone know a good cure?

Lost it....

Tried taking photos the past few days, but just couldn't get anything good. Looking at my regular sites for inspiration just makes me feel wildly inadequate. I've lost my groove and want it back!

Happy pre-Labor Day. I spent yesterday during the remnants of some hurricane outside at the Yankeees game. I'm a Mets fan, but had always wanted to see Yankee stadium, so when a friend asked me to go, I jumped at the chance. Yankees lost after calling the game in the 8th inning due to the weather. Today I've lazed around and avoided doing laundry. Hopefully the laundry place will be open tomorrow or else it's gonna be a dire clothing situation. Day 3 and no word from Hot bar boy. Ah well. It was a longshot I suppose.

Did some more work on my photo site today. I added some more photos from London and a link to my post on inspiration. I changed the date of this inspiration post so it's in the archives, but wanted a link on the main page. I'm thinking I may need to move off blogger and get a new site, but I have no idea how to do all that, so I'll have to do some reading. Looks like it's time for me to brush up on my HTML.......Anyone got any good book recommendations for learning website stuff?

The Morning After......

The MTV VMA party.....mad hangover but the party was fun. I met a HOT guy at the bar . We spent like 3 hours chatting and he gave me the sweetest goodnight kiss on the cheek and asked for my email address, so we shall see if I hear from him. It was a bar meeting so the odds of a call back are pretty slim, but I have to admit I hold out hope. He was pretty cool. I totally missed most of the show though....I'll have to catch the replay. It was for a good cause though. Hot men are always a good excuse to blow off work.

While the boss is away....

the Kai will....clean her keyboard? Day 2 of my boss' vacation. It's always a nice break when he goes away and things slow down, but around the second or third day I start to get a little stir crazy. Last time I pried ALL the keys off my keyboard and got the crumbs out and even did an alcohol wipe down to really get it clean. One of hte downfalls of eating pop tarts at your desk every morning are the crumbs. It's totally worth it though...nothing better than pop tarts and coffee in the morning to start your day. It's the breakfast of champions!

My friend at work who I chat with daily about photography is leaving the company and tomorrow is his last day. He inspires me to keep at it and always gives me good feedback. Hopefully we'll keep in touch, but it's not the same as being able to walk downstairs and chat and share photos. :-( Photo friend will be missed.

Now that I've crossed London off my travel list I've been thinking about where I want my next international trip to be....I've narrowed it down to either Paris or Thailand. I think I could get amazing photos in either place, but I'm leaning towards trying for Thailand first.....Any of my blog readers been there?

Body on the Tracks....AGAIN

As I swipe my card through the subway turnstile this morning, my cell phone starts ringing. Now when a cell phone starts ringing at 8:30am it is NEVER good news. As I scramble to answer it I notice the platform is STUFFED with people. It's my friend Republican M who lives on the 7 train, a few more stops farther out. Someone has fallen onto the tracks and they are trying to get the body off. Still awaiting the news if it was dead or alive.....I'd say "only in NY" but apparently it's not true. It happens in Oxford too. While Grace and I were coming back from our day trip to Oxford earlier this month, we were stuck on the train for nearly an hour, according to a conductor annoucement the delay was due to "a dead body being found on the tracks". Twice in a month? Is there some body on the tracks curse hanging over my head? Word to the wise, don't ride mass transit with me.

It's Starting....

it's official....my coworkers are starting to take pity on me and set me up with their single friends.....I think I've hit a new low.

A perfect rainy Sunday

I got up......spent the morning laying in bed with my coffee listening to the rain and reading the Clinton biography....then put on Empire Falls (GREAT movie) and lazed the rest of the afternoon away.....the epitome of a perfect day!

Yet AGAIN I was awoken by the construction crew working on the building across the street. They were unloading (a/k/a dropping off a truck onto the street with a loud BANG) steel beams at 6:45AM on a freaking SATURDAY MORNING. I was IRRATE! I've tried researching building codes and restrictions, but so far I haven't found anything. It can NOT be legal to start that early. So much for my weekend of relaxing in bed. I HAD to get out of the house, the noise was driving me crazy....I ran some errands went to the grocery store and the bank, came back and cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom and all before NOON! On a Saturday! Keep your fingers crossed they don't work Sundays.

Pop Pop

I started reading the Bill Clinton biography last night and the first chapter talks a lot about his father who died shortly before he was born. Something about it triggered memories of my grandfather.

My grandfather died very suddenly right after Christmas a number of years ago. With no signs or illness, he simply got up in the middle of the night, asked my grandmother to get him a glass of water and when she returned he had passed. I had given him and my grandmother a carved wooden cross that year. My grandmother put it on the bible next to him during his funeral. I don’t recall much at all from that day or the days surrounding, but I remember her saying to me that she was sorry we needed it so soon. I don’t know why that statement stuck with me, and I didn’t even remember it until I was reading this book. It’s funny how the memory works.

It's about freaking time....

FINALLY!

REVIEW: Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro

You know that gut feeling you get when you are left out of someone's inside joke? That is what you feel the entire way throughout this book. The story is about a group of students at a private boarding school in England in the 90s. They take classes, work on various art projects and attend something called "sales" that never gets fully explained. Seemingly they are normal students, even though their teachers (whom they refer to as "guardians") continually call them "special". It's not until 200 pages later that their uniqueness gets revealed. They all are working towards "donations", which is some kind of medical procedure, but again the details on it are sparse. The sporadic doling out of details and information is the most frustrating part of this book. Nothing gets fully (or sometimes even partially) explained. There's a lame attempt at a love story, but even that seems stale and unengaging. You can see where Ishiguro was going with the story, but he never quite made it there and the piecemeal writing left me with junior high flashbacks of sitting alone at the lunchtable. There are very few books I regret buying, but this is certainly one of them. It's definitely going in the pile for Bookins

My first library experience.......

The library near me is TINY, but I managed to get two movies and the Bill Clinton My Life book. I've been wanting to read it, but hadn't wanted to actually buy it. The two movies I got this time were Empire Falls and Better Luck Tomorrow. Two movies and a book and I get to watch/read them for free!

Why Why Why am I watching this?

I HAVE to change the channel. Watching this Girls Next Door show (the show about Hugh Hefner and his 3 girlfriends) makes me crazy, yet I can't turn away. I HATE this show, I hate this man....I hate what he represents, and I hate myself for participating in the spectacle! THIS is exactly why I can't find a date....because all men want a bimbo playboy bunny and I'm just a bookworm with some extra poundage.....Rargh!

Something I've never done before...

....well at least not since high school.

I got a LIBRARY CARD!! London took a toll on the finances, so my book buying habit is going to have to be curbed for awhile. Mostly though I got the card so I could borrow movies. I've been in a movie watching mood lately and this is a free way to rent to my hearts content!

Anyone got any good movie recommendations?

No more?

I came to the conclusion tonight that there are no men left. The remaining single men in NYC are either just looking to hook up, are crazy or are so arrogant that it could be ANYONE sitting across from them, as long as they got to hear themselves talk. Rargh.....sigh oh well. I get that it's supposed to be hard, but it shouldn't be THIS hard......

I'm sick.

I suffer from a disease called "Powerpoint Perfectionism".

My boss wants to give a Power Point presentation to the company and has me in charge of it. I've now been sitting here for HOURS adjusting fonts, centering text and finding cool graphics. Not because he asked me to (he said it was fine), not because it didn't look good before, but because I think it's FUN.

I need professional help.

Back to Normal

Grace has left, the jet lag has subsided and I've (mostly) caught up at work. Finally after almost two weeks I'm returning to my normal routine. I even squeezed in the gym last night in hopes of getting back on track with that. All I need now is to catch up on my sleep and I think all will be well. I was supposed to have a date this weekend but now it doesn't look like it's gonna happen. The guy asked, I said yes and then I never heard from him again. I suppose it's only been two days, but it's a little dissapointing. Ah well. (Cue "Another One Bites the Dust").

Got to chat with Aaron the other day briefly which was nice. With the time difference between here and Iraq it's rare we are both online. He even sent me an email saying how much he liked my photos from the trip which was so nice....after Chicago boy and my dad had been less than supportive of them the night before, I had been feeling a little down about it. He also said he had gotten the letter I had sent him from London. I couldn't believe he got it so fast, until I remembered we were actually on the same side of the ocean for once, so the mail was probably faster. LOL

My sister leaves for her second year of college next week....I can't believe she's almost 20.....in my mind she's still 8. I think she'll always be stuck at that age for me. It was the year I left home, so it was the last age I saw her regularly at. Now when she talks about having a bf/fiance and going to college I'm thrown off, I keep thinking she's talking about her barbies or her dolls....They grow up so fast....

The simple things....

It's amazing how something so little can make me happy....After dragging my exhausted self to the gym last night I accidentally found myself on the EXPRESS 7 train (I live on the local stop) which meant I ended up past my stop and had to take the train back the other way. I got right to the doors of the train JUST as they closed. The (rare) sympathetic train conductor opened the doors again so I could get on! Such a simple thing, but it TOTALLY made my night.

Don't think it made up for the 7 mile walk to work in December during the strike though.

After SIX hours of waiting in line, 1.5 hours waiting on the plane on the ground, seven hours in the air and two hours of customs/baggage waiting, Grace has arrived back in the U.S. from London! Hurrah!!!!!!

Good Vibes Needed

Everyone send their good vibes to Grace, who is currently still in London and will be attempting to fly back to NY in the coming days!! May she return back to me safely!!!!!!

Tales from London

My first European adventure truly was the trip of a lifetime. I had a great time and it was good to spend time talking with Grace without having to worry about cell phone minutes and battery life. I was worried the trip would be exhausting, but I managed to strike a good balance between experiencing London and relaxing. I saw some great Shakespeare and some interesting Shakespeare. I saw the Tempest at the Royal Shakespeare Company...they chose to set it in the arctic, so that was...um interesting, but I did get to see Patrick Steward as Prospero so that was cool. We also saw Titus Andronicus at the Globe which was really amazing. Seeing Shakespeare outdoors in the way it was meant to be seen was quite an experience. Also one of the audience members passed out near the end of the first act, so that was an added bonus. Grace had said people were passing out during the show due to the "gore", but as a former theatre major who knows how the "magic" is made, that kind of thing doesn't affect me at all. It was great and the guy was fine, he returned to his seat for the 2nd act. I spent a lot of time on the Riverbank near the National Gallery taking photos, but also did some of the typical tourist things. I took the tours of Parliament and Westminster Abbey. Grace and I also happened upon the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace by accident. There was quite a crowd, so we didn't get to see much, but once it thinned out I got some photos. Grace took one of our feet which I thought turned out cool. It ended up being the only photo of the two of us we took the entire trip. We also took a day trip to Oxford which I loved. They have the BEST bookshops, and I loved the architecture. Also I got a dark chocolate covered shortbread square which was quite possibly the best thing I've ever eaten in Oxford, so it may be my favorite place ever. We wandered through a garden/church grounds there as well (I'll have to get the exact name from Grace). I got some of my best photos there I think. I'm still wading through the 400+ I took on this trip and post processing the RAW images, but overall I'm really pleased at the photos I got. Visiting Stratford was also great, though I was disappointed at how "commercial" it was. You wander down a street of lovely historical architecture and right by Shakespeare's birthplace and at the end of the road would be a Pizza Hut or Starbucks. It dampened the experience a bit for me. I also enjoyed visiting the Thistle pub in Stratford where Grace and I had post-theatre drinks a few nights. I'm still a little jet lagged and with the exchange rate I'll probably be paying this trip off for awhile, but it was well worth it. More photos to follow in the coming days! (I promise I'll spare you the pain of all 400 though) :-P

Found this over at a blog I frequent and thought I'd do it too. Enjoy!

1. One Book That Changed Your Life: A Gesture Life by Chang-Rae Lee. One of the themes is adoption, and it really made me examine my feelings towards being adopted myself and recognize how significant of an experience it was for me and how it altered me.

2. One Book That You've Read More Than Once: A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving. Though it's long, this book is an amazing story of friendship and tugs at my heartstrings every time I read it.

3. One Book You'd Want on a Desert Island: The Time of Our Singing by Richard Powers. His books are complex and no matter how many times I read them, I come away from it with something new. A good book to be stranded with because it's quite long, but every time you read it it seems like you get a different story from it.

4. One Book That Made You Laugh: I Love Everybody (and other atrocious lies) by Laurie Notaro.

5. One Book That Made You Cry: Love you Forever by Robert N. Munsch and Sheila McGraw. It's a children's book, but I have memories of my mom reading it to my sister and it gets me for some reason.

6. One Book That You Wish Had Been Written: I wish there were more cookbooks that were geared toward cooking for 1 person and minimal ingredients. I'm not creative at all in the
kitchen and I'm not a person who has a lot of fancy ingredients laying around. I want simple healthy dishes that won't feed an army, but can't ever find a cookbook that suits my needs.
7. One Book That You Wish Had Never Been Written: Anything by Anne Coulter

8. The Book That You Are Currently Reading: Great Theatrical Disasters by Gyles Brandreth. This book is hilarious. It's about theatre productions where things have gone wrong and how the actors/technicians have had to wing it.
9. One Book That You've Been Meaning to Read: This list is LONG. I'd like to eventually make my way through Swan's Way by Proust. I'd like to go back and read the greeks again....basically I want to go back and read everything we read (or were supposed to read) in high school. I didn't do it justice back then and want to read them again now that I'm older.

I'm not officially tagging you, but I'd love to see your answers Caryn on this one.

Photos

I posted a few photos from my trip in the KaiNYC photo section. I took one card in RAW and haven't processed those images yet, but the second card of JPEGS I did a quick run through and posted a few. I didn't alter or crop these yet, but wanted to get a few up for all who were asking. Enjoy!

I'm back!

Back from London! My trip was absolutely amazing. LOTS of photos to follow in the coming days. I promise to blog all about it once I get over the jet lag and wade through the pile of stuff I'm sure awaits me at work tomorrow. I am off to drop into bed!

It's OVER!

Upon arriving home last night from the Mets/Cubs game (Cubs won 8-7!!! - great game), I discoveredthat my power had finally been restored!!!!! Hurrah! Hurrah! After SIX days of no electricity, no hot water and no sanity, the power is on, the water is flowing and I no longer have to go to the bathroom in the dark! FINALLY. Hurrah Hurrah!

Day 6

We are now nearing a week with no power. The ConEd truck was on the corner when I left for work this morning, so I'm holding out hope that when I get back from the Mets/Cubs game tonight I'll have it back. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's hard. I threw everything out from my fridge and freezer this morning. I'm not sure how much more of this I can stand. It's really starting to wear on me. I only have to survive through this week and on Friday at 11:20pm I will be on a plane to LONDON!!! I think if I didn't have that to look forward to I would be going insane. This has to end soon right???

Days 4 & 5

Days 4&5 were spent upstate at my cousin's house. Ironically, after some really nasty storms on Saturday morning the power went out there for a couple of hours. At one point I couldn't believe I had just ridden a train two hours to go sit in the dark with other people. Luckily theirs came back on. I'm beginning to think mine never will.

Day 3

Still no power. Did I mention that my hot water is also electric, so I have no hot water as well. Last night when I got home it was hot, so I decided to sit outside for awhile. The drunk Irish guy who is aaround my age that lives on the floor above me came out awhile later and asked me to go to the bar across the street with him. Since it wasn't even dark yet and he was already clearly drunk and slurring his words (which by the way STILL sounds hot with an Irish accent), I politely declined. Sure enough, right at 4am when the bars closed I heard him LOUDLY singing as he walked up the stairs. At least he's a happy drunk....I should be so lucky....

I'm starting to feel like an urban episode of Little House on the Prarie.....

Day 2

No power in my apartment. I had to go 40 blocks last night just to find somewhere that had food since I can't open my fridge. All businesses are closed, the banks, people are just sitting outside on the street since it's too hot inside.....no word at all when it will be restored, but this freaking SUCKS.

To be Saved or Not to be Saved

Every morning at the top of the escalator at Grand Central Station there is a person handing out religious pamphlets. Every morning the person handing them out doesn't offer one to me. Now even if they did stick their hand out, I wouldn't take one, but I can't help but wonder why I am being skipped. The person changes, but every morning with no exception, I am overlooked. Is it because I look God fearing already? Do I look too far gone to even attempt salvation? I suppose I won't worry about it until the pamphlet handers starts wearing garlic around their necks and shouting Jezebel at me.

I've reclaimed my apartment!

The parents left this morning! Hurrah. It was a good trip, but I can only stand being around people for so long. The past THREE weekends have been filled with various overnight guests and I'm desperate to get my house back and have some alone time. Unfortunately (or fortunately) this upcoming weekend is my only free weekend because the next TWO weekends after that I will be in London!! I keep meaning to read some of my photography books before I leave so I can brush up on my skills, but I've been putting it off. Tonight will be spent reclaiming my apartment and paying some bills, but tomorrow the studying begins! I preemptively bought some frames at Target while I was there this weekend (while my dad was here with the car and could help me get them home), so I have to get at least 3 blow-up worthy photos out of the trip to fill them. Hopefully I didn't just curse myself by saying that.....

Yesterday was spent with my parents/grandmother dragging me all over the Upper East Side to every corner they lived/played/sneezed at in the years they lived there. I got some photos, but nothing I think is going to be usable. I may be able to do something with them in Photoshop, but I was having computer issues last night and couldn't really look at them. My dad was able to fix my computer so hopefully tonight I'll be able to play around. I'll post some tonight in my photo section if I get anything decent.

A laugh.....

About 6 months ago a video company claimed they sent us some materials we needed for a video, but despite having confirmation from FedEx that it was delivered, nobody remembered seeing it. We sent out a company email, but to no avail. Nobody had seen the mystery box.

Today a woman in our mailroom ran out of FedEx boxes, so she went to the storeroom to get a box of boxes. Upon opening the box of boxes, she discovered the missing video materials! The video company had sent them in the box that FedEx boxes come in. Upon their arrival nobody had noticed the address label on the side and had just thought they were the box of empty FedEx boxes and put them in storage! Hurrah! Mystery solved. Now guess who has to call the video company and apologize for accusing them of losing the materials LOL. Oh well, lets just hope they think it' s funny.

I'm in a funk....

:-( and I don't know how to get out.

It got so hot in my office tonight that the post-its hanging on the wall above my desk lost their adhesive quality and started showering down on me. That was the last straw for me, I packed up my stuff and left, passing 2 air conditioning repairmen in the hall on the way out. Judging by the various parts strew about the floor and the perplexed looks on their faces, the outlook for AC tomorrow is not good.

It's SO hot.....

No AC at work today and it is SO hot. I'm sweating, I'm sticking to my desk and it's darn near impossible to keep a beverage cold no matter how many ice cubes I stick in it. RARGH!

I should know better than to look at craigslist ads for men seeking women. EVERY single one says they are seeking a skinny girl and skinny girl I am not. I suppose I've gotten used to it, but today I saw one that really got me.

I don't get it. Are women on CL hopelessly delusional? I was talking to a woman for a few days about getting together and today she told me that she is 5"6' and 170 lbs. I asked her if she played nosetackle for the Bears? Indeed, I would classify her as more cow than woman.

The punch line, of course, is that this woman doesn't think she's fat. Would you believe that? Well, you might think, "She isn't fat, she's obese!" And you'd be right. I mean, I like curves, but she has rolls and rolls and rolls.

I conjectured that any men that she had previously been with were chubby chasers and she said that they weren't. Well, if you're with a pig, then you're a pig chaser, whether or not you acknowledge it.

No wonder so many men fuck you and leave you...

What an ass...170 is considered an obese cow?? Apparently I'm nearing the livestock category and I didn't even know it. And what's a chubby chaser? Is that a guy who goes for bigger girls because he thinks they are desperate and won't say no?? Is this something I have to be concerned about now?? I don't know why this post got to me so much, but it's totally bringing me down. I can't help but think that every guy who has ever gone out with me ("gone out" being used liberally since I've never actually had a bf) just though I would be an easy prospect. Rargh. I try to be practical about it and think that everyone has their preferences, I don't like super skinny men, I don't like red hair....some men like skinny, some men like big chests, but the logic doesn't work and I end up just feeling like I don't measure up and never will, which means I'm resigned to a life of one date wonders like the one I had on Friday. A guy spends an hour or two having a drink with you and then you never hear from him again. It's like reverse Survivor. Just once I'd like a guy to actually dial my phone number twice in a row, but alas I'm the one hit wonder of dating.

Single men out there please explain! Where exactly is the Island of No Contact and what are all the men doing over there? Obviously (and thankfully) not procreating.

I survived!

I survived the visit from my parents. Technically they are still here, but for the next 5 days they are staying upstate with my cousin, so I have a few days to regain my apartment, actually sleep in my own bed (with the AC!), put everything back where its supposed to be and be up as late as I want. Oh the bliss of being able to sleep in my bed again.....

Their trip out was fun, we did some shopping, went to the beach, basically all the stuff I can't do because I don't have a car. I really should rent a car for a weekend every once in awhile, just to get out and drive and run some errands. It's not that expensive at all.

Had a date with a younger (22!) guy last Friday night.....he was very cute, interesting, but the age thing would take some getting used to I think. I did like hanging out with him, so if he calls I'll go out with him again. It's been 4 days though and I haven't heard from him at all though, so in all likelihood I'll probably never hear from him again. (cue "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen). Oh well. Chicago boy and I have been talking again more anyway....I really do miss him. I wish things could be different, but instead I find myself in the same pattern I always get myself in. I fall for someone who doesn't like me back and then spend years of my life waiting and wishing, taking any bits of affection and attention the person is willing to bestow on me. A part of me thinks Chicago boy likes me, but is being distant because of the distance and a part of me thinks he just likes getting (albeit infrequent) affection when I'm in town. I wish I knew, but I'm too afraid of the answer to ask and I learned long ago not to ask questions I wasn't ready for the answer to. Rargh. I really am going to be alone forever.

I need coffee.

Some Thoughts on Photography

I've been feeling "off" lately and I didn't truly realize how much until I saw the photos I took from this weekend. The perspective even in the few I posted is off, and it's amazing to me how clearly my internal struggles are translating in my photos. I'm sure it's imperceptible to anyone but me, but when I look at them I can see it and more than that I can feel it.

A friend and I were talking today about how I never shoot photographs of people. I just can't capture people at all. I almost always end up cropping them out or avoiding them all together. The emotion or moment just never comes out the way it felt to me, so I almost never take photos of people. Another inherent characteristic of mine translating into my photography. People and humanity frighten me. I've never been one for sucessful relationships or emotion. I usually end up cropping people out of my life or avoiding them all together.

I truly do wonder if anyone but me can see what I see. That's the thing about all art I guess, you never know what people see in it. Even in a photograph.

New Photos Up

New photos from my weekend with Beth walking around the city are up! See the KaiNYC Photos link over there ----->

Enjoy!

I dropped my lens cap in the Central Park lake this weekend. You'd think they would float, but they don't.

Evening the Score

My smoke detector adventure continues. Just last month I thought I had taken care of this issue, but alas the smoke detector wanted a rematch. Last night after an exhausting day and actually dragging myself to the gym for the first time in a month, I dropped into bed at 11pm basking in the glorious 8 hours of sleep I was about to get. Unfortunately unbeknownst to me, my apartment had other ideas. At 2:30am the Squeap came back with a vengeance. Every 30 seconds...SQUEEEEAP. Not wanting to deal I got up, closed my bedroom door and put a pillow over my head. I could still hear it, but was convinced it was something I could just sleep through. 2 minutes later the Squeap took on a whole different sound...it started to growl/hiss. I kid you not. Finally I get out of bed, drag my drafting table stool into the hallway and in a half awake state, somehow managed to stand on top of it and remove the smoke detector from the wall once again and remove the battery without falling off. It's nearing 3am by this point and I'm pissed I've had to deal with this whole fiasco again.

3am was also the time a nasty storm blew through outside, rattling my windows and producing heavy rain. I tried the pillow over the head trick again, this time not really knowing if it was the sound I was trying to block out, or if I was trying to suffocate myself to end the misery, but whatever my motive, it didn't work. Finally around 4:30 I accepted that I wasn't going to be able to fall back asleep and I got up and watched TV until having to go to work this morning.

Sleep total for the night: 3.5 hours....Squeap - 1, Kai - 1. The score is tied.

Countdown!

In 1 month and 1 day I will be in London!!!!!

The answer to my culinary woes!!!

So I'm browsing in Williams Sonoma this afternoon and come across the absolulte answer to my cooking hatred. Now if I had any food knowledge at all I would have known that something like this existed, but I live in a culinary cave and though that you could only get things like this that were huge. You can't really tell from the picture, but this little guy is SO little and cute. I highly recommend it for all you single cooks who hate chopping and grinding as much as I do! I LOVE THIS THING!!!!


No more hands smelling like garlic and slicing my fingers off when chopping herbs!!! And it's only $40!

An apology

to the tourists I heckled on Thursday night. I went out for some drinks with coworkers and on my way to Grand Central I saw typical NY tourists with their dazed looks and HUGE street maps. A very large group of people was blocking the street trying to decide which way up-town was. Now I fully realize I should have just TOLD them which way uptown was, but I didn't have all my wits about me and so instead I simply yelled "PICK A DIRECTION, if the streets are getting HIGHER in #s you are going UPTOWN, if the street numbers are getting lower you are going DOWNTOWN". Sigh. It truly is amazing I didn't get arrested that night. I also had a very intense conversation with a pretzle cart.

Tipsy Arguments

Had a fabulous dinner last night at Uva on 2nd Avenue. 4 people, 2 bottles of wine and lots of food made for an interesting evening. At one point the 4 of us got into a bit of a heated debate on my use of the word "luxury". The 4 of us all between the ages of 24-28, were all raised in similar upper middle class/somewhat wealthy families and all work for the same record label on the assistant level. "Receptionist L" made a comment about how she "could never have a job doing something she didn't believe in". She commented on a member of our staff that has a negative attitude and who isn't know for being very proactive in her job (Ms. Mailroom), saying that she didn't understand why she didn't just quit if she didn't like it. I made the point that you can only have Receptionist L's point of view (only taking jobs you truly believe in) if you were raised the way we all were, with considerable personal/familial wealth to keep us afloat, that her perspective was "a luxury" that people (like Ms. Mailroom) who struggle just to feed and house their family every month do not have the ability to have. I was trying to make the point that we all should feel lucky to work where we work, but Exec Asst. A said it was ridiculous to think that none of us should aspire to have more "important" (for lack of a better word) jobs just because other people don't chose that life. My whole point was that for some people there is no choice to be made, that the necessities are life are all they can provide, but nobody seemed to get my point. (Personal Asst M sat quietly through the conversation, interjecting only to say that he liked his job and had no aspirations to work his way up, that he appreciated working in the music industry and that he liked the balance he currently had of work/personal life). I was incensed that nobody was understanding what I was saying. Of course I would love to have another job where I am doing work that is more meaningful to me, and of course I work towards attaining it, but I also acknowledge that I can only be in the position that I am because I'm lucky and because of the circumstances I was born into. I hate it when people raised like we all were don't get that, that everything is about entitlement. I have such a low tolerance for that, especially after 1/2 a bottle of wine. I guess such conversations are not to be had over drinks.

A medical question

Is it possible that one of the side effects of either having a cold or of cold medicine is heightened sensitivity to life? I've been so sensitive all week to people and life. I think the congestion is making me over emotional. Is that even possible??

So it's Friday night and I'm home watching this new show on TLC called Take Home Chef. It's pretty interesting. This chef stalks women in the grocery store and then goes home with them and helps them cook dinner for their husband. Aside from the fact that it's yet ANOTHER show on TV that reminds me I have NOBODY to cook for, I like it. How about he takes home a SINGLE girl and teaches her how to cook for 1 without having enough leftovers for the entire neighborhood. Or hell in my case how about he teaches me to cook without setting the smoke alarm off or starting a fire.

See over sensitivity to things....no wonder I'm not married.

A blast from the past....wow

The other day I got a message on myspace from someone with a familiar name. When I opened it up, I realized it was my best friend from KINDERGARTEN...I hadn't seen her since probably the fourth grade! The memories from that time in my life have been flooding back ever since...it's so funny to think of how far you are from the person you were back then and how in some ways you are also exactly the same as you were. It's been fun to play the memory game.

This cold is still hanging on....It's stuck in my head and not coming out. I've never had a cold like this before, usually you go through stages...sneezing, coughing, but no, I am in perpetual congestion mode. No cough, no sneeze it's all staying up in my head. I hope it ends soon....I can't take another week of not being able to breathe! I hate being sick! But man I love Nyquill!!

A lesson in Pharmaceuticals

When taking 2 Sudafed doesn't work, do not take 2 more an hour and a half later. You will definitely be able to breathe, however, your eyes will dilate, your hands will shake and you won't be able to stand upright. I unfortunately did this about an hour before leaving work and was unable to get home on my own. I'm home and have detoxed to the point of not being able to breathe again. Only two more hours until I can pop open the Nyquill bottle. I promise no matter what, I will only take the allotted dosage.

I'm siiiiiiiiick

I have a head cold that won't get out of my head. It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. I was at work feeling fine and then all of a sudden in the afternoon I started to feel really worn down and my nose started getting stuffy. I had brunch plans with a friend and didn't want to blow her off so I got myself out of bed and dragged myself uptown, and actually wasn't feeling to bad. I even felt good enough to do some shopping with her (and buy myself a very cute Calvin Klein dress and blazer) and get coffee, but as the afternoon went on I could feel my head getting heavy. I managed to make it home and drop into bed for a lovely nap, but now I'm awake, I can't breathe and every time I try to get up, I feel dizzy. Rargh.

I accept my position in this world as a life-long single woman. I've never been able to figure out the dating thing (or even find someone willing to TRY the dating thing with), and I've realized that my solitude is most likely permanent. Still though, when I get sick it's hard to shake the feeling of wanting someone around to take care of me. It would be nice to have a man around the house, to lay next to me in bed and watch movies with, to go out and buy me Nyquill and OJ, to bring me tea...to pick me up off the floor when I pass out....the simple things. Rarely do I feel like I NEED (god I hate that word) someone around to go through life with, but when I'm sick my sensitivities run high and I find myself sad. It doesn't help that when I'm sick I spend entirely too much time in bed watching TV shows with poorly scripted romantic interludes. An old rerun of Summerland had me bawling today....I blame the Sudafed/Nyquill/Tylenol cocktail I'm currently on.

Anyone got any chicken soup?

Just got home from the book reading/signing. First of all I have to say how striking Anderson Cooper's blue eyes are. I've worked with dignitaries, musicians and artists and I have never been star struck, but one look at those blue eyes and I completely got tongue tied. I really enjoyed hearing him speak and can't wait to read the book. I am so exhausted after the past few days that I can't wait to put my PJs on tonight and crawl into bed with it.

Also you should be VERY proud of me, I spent almost two hours at the Barnes and Noble this evening and ONLY bought 1 book! I am getting the hang of this whole saving money concept!

Alright off to bed.....I'll share my thoughts on the book when I'm done.

I gave myself a deadline of midnight last night to finish draft 1 of the resume. I emailed it out to some friends for their feedback at 11:42pm. It feels good to have that first step done. I'm going to gather feedback this week and then by 11:59pm Sunday night have draft 2 done and ready to start sending out. Right now my sticking points are coming up with an objective and highlighting the skills of my current job to reflect those necessary for event planning. Aside from those two issues, I think the resume is in decent shape.

My sister called today to let me know my dog hasn't been eating for a few days. My parents left on vacation three days ago and she hasn't eaten since. I think Ginger is just upset they are gone and is rebelling (can dogs rebel?) and that she'll eat when she's hungry, but it does have me worried. I told my sister to go out and buy this special food that Ginger likes that my mom gives her as a treat occasionally and see if she will eat that. Rargh, I hate being so far away sometimes.

Tomorrow I'm going to try and see Anderson Cooper at the Union Square Barnes and Noble..he's supposedly doing a reading from his book there tomorrow night. I'm hoping I get off work early enough to go. I'd love to see that hottie in person! Luckily a friend is coming with to prevent me from having "drool face" all night long. Older intellectual men are SO hot.

One more time

I've spent the last hour or so on the phone with Aaron. He leaves for Iraq tomorrow. I know it's his third time, and that he's a well trained Marine, but every time he gets on that plane, I worry about him until he's on American soil again. He's been my best friend since the first day of high school, he's the one person who knows how to handle me when the irrational takes over the rational in my head. We've never fought, there's never been any drama or romance, it's just a pure good friendship that I am beyond grateful for. After he called me last night to tell me he was leaving, I laid on my bed and a memory flashed through my mind. I remembered the night before he left for basic training. We had gone out with friends and I had driven him home. We sat on the bottom of the staircase and talked about how he felt about going, about what scared him, about how right he felt the decision was for him. I know the things he shared with me weren't things he had said out loud before. The last thing we said to eachother that night before he left (and before he left each time for Iraq) was I love you. A few years later Aaron came home on leave, he hadn't told his parents he was coming, so his brother made sure they were home, and I went to pick him up at the airport and drove him to his parents house. When I pulled up, his dad and brother were in the driveway. I was a familiar face in that house, even after Aaron left, so they didn't think twice about seeing my car pull up. His dad didn't even look up until Aaron and I got out of the car and he said "hey Dad". I've never seen such joy on a father's face before. When we went in the house, his mom was upstairs and Aaron's dad called for her. She took two steps down the stairs before she saw Aaron and her eyes teared up and she had to stop and sit on the stairs to regain her composure. Aaron and I ran up the stairs to help her and when I arrived she punched me on the arm for not telling her he was coming home. Later that night the guys were out on the porch and she and I were sitting in the living room. She looked at me and said, "I never told Aaron this, but that night before he left for basic training, I heard the two of you talking on the stairs. I know he never could have told me the things he said to you that night and I am so grateful he has someone he can wholly confide in." I never knew she heard us that night. A part of me thinks that she was meant to hear his words, even if he couldn't say them to her. She needed to know how important it was to him and how he felt it was his path in life to take.

As I'm writing this I'm remembering the day we helped Aaron move out of his duplex. His mom and I were packing up his closet and she found a box. She handed it to me and asked me to open it, figuring it was safer if I opened it to see what was in it (in case it contained material that was...uh "private" in nature). When I opened the box I found every letter I had written him in the two years I had gone to a different high school. We had written back and forth constantly and it never occurred to me that he would keep those letters. I don't think I have felt that loved in all my life. I put the lid back on the box, put it safely in the "keep" pile and never told him I had found it. I wonder where the box is now. My guess is safely in his closet in exactly the same place my own box of letters from him resides.

I love you Aaron. Be safe.

Its rare I blog so early in the morning, but as I was getting ready this morning I saw something on the Today show that astounded me and I had to share.

Apparently Time magazine recently ran an article about room maids. Men who hire women to take care of the house (cook, clean, laundry etc.) and in exchange they are allowed to live in his house rent free. Apparently the demand for such a situation is quite high....women are lining up for this arrangement! I guess it's really no different than a live-in house keeper, except that these women were typically young (20s), but it still astounds me. The guys being interviewed kept staying how they didn't want the "hassle" of a wife or girlfriend and this was a great situation for them. First of all, if you are equating your wife/gf with the term "maid" then you should NOT be in the dating pool, second of all, some of the men seemed to use the situation as a "wife test drive" and ended up hooking up with/marrying their room maid. RARGH! Dating is bad enough now without the guy expecting me to do his gardening and wash his car. I think we are entering dangerous territory here.....I fear a return to the Donna Reed life is on the brink and I don't have my pearls.

Well this evening I've done a little better on the productivity scale. I cleaned the bathroom, dusted and did the floors in the living room and paid bills. I still need to tackle that pesky resume, but maybe that's best left for tomorrow. It's still early though, I may still get to it.

My parents are considering moving......to Tennessee. I have such mixed emotions about them moving. I knew at some point they would want to move out of the huge house they live in now and get something smaller, but I guess I hoped they would stay in the same area. I don't know why it matters to me so much, we moved around so much when I was young, nowhere ever really felt like home, but they have been in this house 10 years now. I only lived there for 2 and then moved out. I guess part of it is I feel like I'll never see them. TN isn't really a place I feel excited about visiting. I'm pretty much an indoors girl and where they want to go is pretty rural. My dad is excited about camping and fishing and hiking through retirement and who knows what my mom will do out there. I wish I could get a handle on why I'm so upset about their impending move, but it feels strange. I guess it's just my usual inability to handle change.

Rescue Me is filming YET AGAIN in my neighborhood. It was cool the first five times or so, but now it's getting old. I'll have to tape the show one day and see if you can see my neighborhood. It must be a common shot, they are out here all the freaking time. Isn't that show about fires? How many times can the same building burn?

I accomplished absolutely nothing last night. I blew off the gym, and promised myself I would at least do some freeweight exercises in front of the TV and didn't. I was supposed to dig out the resume and start doing research and didn't. I was going to clean the bathroom and didn't. Instead I sat idly on the couch, laptop on lap, chatting online and blog browsing. Rargh. Darn all you people with interesting blogs!

I'm thinking of moving back to Illinois. I miss my friends, my family, having a car.....and basic conveniences like not having to carry your laundry down the street and a local grocery store that actually sells food. My target date is next summer, but really it will come down to finding a job and saving up enough money. Even though I know it will be 100x harder to find a job with a NY address, I think I have to secure a job this time before moving. When I moved to NY I did it with no job and I blew through almost my entire savings during those 7 months I didn't work at all, this time I have to be more practical. I need to get my resume together now and start putting it out there. I found an old version in my archives and need to work on it. I absolutely loathe resumes. My education and job history are less than cohesive and I really only have worked for two places my entire life. 1 in IL and 1 in NY, so my resume is painfully short. My education is in theatre lighting design, my IL job was event planning and my NY job is in entertainment law. Making that look cohesive on a resume is nearly impossible, especially since I want to get back into event planning type of work. I'm considering having a resume writing service help me with my resume, though someone told me they really do more formatting and less content, so now I'm not sure. Formatting is the part I can do, it's content that I always am incapable of coming up with. I need to do more research and at least come up with a draft this week. God I hate job hunting.....I suck at resumes and am an absolutely disaster at interviews. Bleah. Wish me luck.

Back from Chicago. I ended up having a fantastic weekend. I'm actually kind of bummed to be home. Hung out with my friend Erik and his husband Tom on Saturday which was cool. They told me they are moving to LA though and I'm crushed! I'll definitely miss them. Erik and I ended up taking his puppy to the park and had so much fun reminicing and playing with the dog. I realize how little time I spend outside here in NY. I rarely go to the park or even take a walk in my neighborhood. I've become such an indoors girl. Saturday night I spent with Chicago boy.....he came out of hiding and we had a really great time together, laughing and talking and joking around/giving eachother a hard time. It was so nice. Sometimes I can't tell if I make up in my head the thought that he likes me, or if I make up in my head the thought that he DOESN'T like me. lol

Now I'm back at home with the day off. I LOVE random weekdays off. I can stay in my pjs all day, watch bad talk shows and eat whatever I want. What a great weekend.

I found the ultimate cure for a broken heart....

IT'S FLEET WEEK IN NYC! Hundreds of sailors on leave wandering the streets!!!! Hurrah Hurrah!

Sometimes I don't think before I talk...

A quote I said to the guy at the deli making my lunch:

"could I get extra pickles on that? What can I say, I'm a girl who loves her pickles!"


hangs head in shame....

How come day 2 after working out always feels worse than day 1? On Tuesday I went to the gym for the first time after a 6+ week hiatus, Wednesday I was sore, but still mobile (and didn't work out), today I feel like I got ran over by a truck. I plan on going to the gym again tonight, so hopefully I'll be able to loosen things up. I absolutely hate going to the gym, luckily a gym membership is part of our benefits at work, so a couple of us women get together and go. It really helps having work-out buddies. I definitely need the external motivation.

I've been wondering lately how people come across my site (or if anyone besides me even reads it). I know I could get one of those creepy stat counter things, but it's bad enough the government is tracking our phone calls and the FBI is rading congressional offices, I don't want to invade the privacy of my potenial reader(s) by stalking their internet usage. Feel free to leave me comments if you do read! I'm tough, I can handle the good, the bad and the ugly.

I'm supposed to leave for Chicago tomorrow....Normally by Thursday I'm counting down the hours, but this time I'm not. Maybe things will be better once I get there. Thankfully I'm coming back on Sunday afternoon and have Monday off from work, so at least I have part of my weekend just to veg at home. Chicago boy is still MIA....sigh. Someone pass me an Apple Martini.

When did I become part of the "hand stamp/paper bracelet" culture?

I went to a show one of our bands was playing tonight. They were literally playing around the corner from work, so I felt obligated to go. It was a decent show, I wish the band had a bigger following, but for some reason it just hasn't taken off. We aren't required to attend the concerts, but most people go and it's definitely noticed if you aren't there. In my last performance review concert attendance/networking was my only deficient area, so I try to go to as many shows as I can now. I can't really complain. I'm basically getting paid to stand around and drink Apple Martinis.

The boy I have been flying to Chicago to see is suddenly MIA. He's been vauge about plans, emails aren't returned, messages go unanswered. I'm not stupid, I get the hint. I rarely find someone who I can see myself being with long term, but with him I felt it and I'm sad I never got to find out what could have been. Sigh. I'm supposed to fly out again in two days and now I have no plans for the weekend at all. Anyone in the Chicago area want to hang out?


How DO you get these damn paper bracelet things off?

100 Things About Kai

Ok, so I know I'm like the last person to do this, but better late than never I suppose.

1. I love dark chocolate covered strawberries.
2. I am an extremely picky eater, there are very few things I will eat.
3. I bought my first purse at the age of 26.
4. I broke a rib once falling off a chair I was standing on trying to get a book off a bookshelf in my parents' library.
5. I can't live without post-it flags.
6. I never wear make-up, but my toenails are always painted red.
7. I hate flying during daylight and try only to fly late at night.
8. I went to two different high schools and will never forgive my dad for moving me during those years.
9. I am a white girl who thinks Asian men are HOT.
10. I have never in my 27 years had anyone ever call me their girlfriend.
11. I don't understand the "high" people say they get when they work out. Working out doesn't make me "high" it makes me hungry.
12. It bums me out when people don't notice when I get new glasses.
13. I get new glasses at least twice a year.
14. Taking photographs is the only thing I've ever felt good at.
15. I love the Food Network, even though I can't cook anything.
16. I've seriously considered hiring someone to cook dinner for me so I don't have to eat out 7 days a week.
17. I have a huge crush on Anderson Cooper.
18. I make a huge deal out of my birthday and like it when other people do too.
19. I went through my college graduation ceremony, even though I didn't technically graduate until two years later.
20. I've had the same bathing suit since I was 16...and I've only worn it a handful of times.
21. I like swimming but hate having to be that naked in public.
22. I have a 401k, but have no idea what it is or how to get my money.
23. I am deathly afraid of needles.
24. Massages make me tense and I hate both giving and getting them
25. Sometimes I eat pizza 4 days a week.
26. I've never called in sick because I was actually sick.
27. I can't live without caller ID
28. I refuse to buy anything from amazon.com because I think their "prime" program is elitist. I shouldn't have to be in a special club to get my stuff on time.
29. I can't stand people who use "street talk".
30. But I use the phrase "true that" way too often.
31. Doctors scare me and I almost never go voluntarily.
32. I don't handle disappointment well.
33. I can function perfectly on no sleep for several days.
34. I eat ice cream with a fork
35. I've never played air hockey
36. My grandfather taught me how to play cards and I almost never lose.
37. Boys won't play cards with me because of it.
38. I never answer the doorbell, even if I'm home (unless I'm expecting someone).
39. I'm a neat freak, but I almost never make my bed.
40. I hate sleeping alone.
41. Stupid-funny movies irritate me (anything with Jim Carey/Adam Sandler etc.)
42. I hate staying in hotels.
43. I keep my apartment very dark, I always have to remember to turn lights on when people come over.
44. I hate carrying an umbrella, I would rather just get wet.
45. Crooked pictures drive me crazy. I go around various restaurants, people's homes, libraries etc. straightening them.
46. My wisdom teeth were supposed to be taken out 10 years ago, but I chickened out and just deal with the pain of teething.
47. I went to my senior prom with some guy I met at Taco Bell.
48. I will never set foot in another Taco Bell
49. The only perfume I will wear is Romance by Ralph Lauren
50. Gerber Daisies are my favorite flower.
51. I've never gotten flowers from anyone...ever.
52. I always read the sections of the paper in a specific order. If someone else is reading my next section, I wait.
53. I get anxious if I don't know what time it is.
54. It only takes me 15 minutes to get ready for work in the morning.
55. I have "empty box syndrome". I almost always keep the box that things come in, so I have it when I move.
56. I moved 6 times in my childhood.
57. I have the same thing for breakfast almost every morning - Poptarts.
58. In my lifetime I've had 3 dogs (only one at a time), Moon, Anton and Ginger.
59. When I was in First Grade, my cousin used to drive me to school everyday in his Mustang.
60. that was the last time I was ever "cool"
61. That cousin and I have the same birth date May 13.
62. I loathe Fox news and won't even be in the same room if it's on.
63. I own over 300 books, and I've read all but 2
64. I read the White House press briefing transcripts...because I think they are funny.
65. I hate wearing shorts and don't even own a pair.
66. All the keys on my keyring have to face the same direction.
67. I do my taxes by hand, I'm too cheap to even use Turbo Tax.
68. I refuse to ride the bus.
69. All but 2 photographs up in my apartment, I took.
70. I never tell people who come over that I took them.
71. Sometimes I type too fast for my computer and it takes a second for it to catch up.
72. I love my label maker, everything in my house is obsessively labeled.
73. If I could eat only one food for the rest of my life it would be tiramisu.
74. I love putting the little check mark next to my completed tasks in Outlook.
75. I own lots of beautiful jewelry, but never wear any of it because I hate looking "accessorized".
76. The only thing I miss (aside from my friends) about living in the Midwest is central air conditioning .
77. I am incapable of flirting. I once used a Lord of the Flies reference as a pick-up line. It didn't go over very well.
78. I won't read certain books/magazines on the train because I don't want people to think I'm vacuous.
79. I hate it when people use dinner and diner incorrectly in writing.
80. I've only worked at two places my entire life.
81. I am excellent at holding a grudge.
82. I didn't vote for the first time until the 2004 election.
83. My screen name (kaibigan) means friend in Tagalog.
84. I hate shaking hands with people.
85. My refrigerator contains nothing but Diet Dr. Pepper, ketchup and a jar of pickles.
86. I don't have a take-out menu drawer, I have a take-out menu binder, separated into sections by cuisine type with each section in alphabetical order.
87. I can't go anywhere without chapstick.
88. People who automatically know where North/South/East/West are without using a compass intimidate me.
89. I love a good snowball fight.
90. Even though I don't use AOL anymore, I still pay for it.
91. I like Pepsi better than Coke
92. My favorite song is Winter by Tori Amos.
93. Ironing is very cathartic for me.
94. My handwriting is all capital letters, a carryover from my days as a draftsperson.
95. I absolutely hate having my picture taken.
96. 6 months after getting my driver's license I backed into a friends car while she was in the passenger's seat next to me. The insurance company laughed at me. hard.
97. I won't buy holidays versions of my favorite candy (with the exception of York peppermint "batties" at Halloween) because I don't like cutesy food.
98. I couldn't swallow pills until I was 16.
99. I thought I was a boring person until I filled this out.
100. Thinking of 100 things about myself took me 4 days.