Advice

I'm still battling a staph infection, but I think in the end I'll win. My boy has been amazing, spending the entire weekend with me doing everything for me and taking great care of me.

However.

Today after he left to go home, I went to sign into gmail and it took me a second to realize HE was still signed in. As I was logging out, I noticed he had emails from Eharmony. I didn't read them and promptly logged out, but just seeing that he is obviously still a member hurts. The "is he still searching" question is BURNING into me. We have had the "I'm not dating anyone else" conversation, but I guess I never asked if he was still looking. I thought he told me he was no longer a member, but I don't recall.

Do I fess up and calmly bring up that he was left logged in and I saw emails from eharmony and ask? Or do I do what my therapist is always telling me to do and "choose to bring the good books down from the shelves" meaning choose to react in a good way, realize that CLEARLY likes me if he spent the entire weekend caring for me while sick, calling me constantly to talk, telling me how much he likes me and how lucky he feels and showing me nearly every day in some way that he cares.

What would you do?????

Getting the Most out of my Health Insurance

In the past two weeks I have been to the doctor THREE TIMES. Three different doctors, three different prescriptions! First was the therapy appt so that I could get therapy tools to deal with the doctor anxiety, which came with drugs. Second was the OB/GYN appt (which by the way, was a SUCCESS and not at ALL as bad as I thought!) which came with a prescription, and third was TODAY's emergency appointment because I somehow cut my leg and it got WICKED infected. Thankfully I was able to get to a walk-in clinic that takes my insurance and was on my way with yet ANOTHER prescription after only 30 minutes.

I have now had my FILL of doctors for the YEAR. No more maladies in 2010 please!!!!

Lucky

I can't even begin to describe how lucky I feel these days. The Boy is beyond my wildest expectations. He wakes up early to get me coffee so I don't have to go without. He comes in while I'm taking a shower to turn the heater on so that when I get out it will be warm. When my phone rings and it's in another room, he runs to get it for me. He is so thoughtful and generous and HOT that I can't help but look at him and feel lucky.

And I didn't even mention the dark chocolate covered strawberries and truffles he bought me for Valentine's Day!

Plus, and I can't figure out why, he tells me he feels lucky too.

Ok mushy gushing is over. :-)

I did it.

I conquered one of my fears today. I went to the Dr.!

My hands were shaking the entire time and there were a few times I thought I was going to pass out, but I successfully made it through the appointment.

When I sought help last March for my anxiety, I don't think I ever really thought I was going to get here. I look back at how limited and fearful my life was back then and wonder why I chose to live that way for so long.

I recently read the book Resilence by Elizabeth Edwards and in it she talks about how much happier life is when you can realize the difference between life changes that are fixable and which ones are truly permanent life alterations we must accept to live with. I thought for so long I wasn't able (or maybe it was worth) fixing. I'm definitely not 100% there yet, but for the first time I feel like I started walking in the right direction.

You Guys Were Right

Meeting the friends was 100% fine. Hopefully I made a good impression, but he was more concerned that *I* liked them, than if they liked me, which was sweet. We spent the rest of the weekend together and it was amazing. I didn't lift a finger the entire weekend. He cooked, cleaned, procured my coffee. I was a spoiled girl for 48 hours and I don't even feel bad for thinking/feeling I deserved it!

Am I really this lucky? Did I finally hit the boy jackpot????

FREAKING.OUT.

My Boy has been mentioning that his friends want to meet me. Usually I just make a joke and deflect, but today he asked me to have dinner with him and his best friend and his gf tomorrow night and I agreed.

I'm nervous about meeting his friends of course, and doing the whole "will they like me, will I say something stupid, what do I wear, is it ok to hold his hand" questioning, but I'm also freaking out because it's a milestone of sorts. I've never gotten to this stage in a relationship before and I keep looking around thinking how did *I* get here??

Send Xanax. ASAP.

1 month down!

2010 is 1/12th over already?? Wow!

So far this has been a great year for me. I'm healthier than ever, have a fantastic boy in my life and really feel like I've found my life "groove". I figured out a budget plan now so hopefully I can get that area of my life in check this year as well. The comments on my whiney post made me realize it's ok to spoil myself a bit and not be 100% perfect. I've made MAJOR changes in my life as of late, and it is good to celebrate them!

Fingers crossed 2010 is my year!

Weigh-in #3 - 156.8 (-1.4)

Down again this week for a total loss this month of 4.2 pounds!

I was surprised this week at the loss. I made baked mac & cheese last weekend and thought for sure that would throw me off. In addition to my Wii workouts, I've also been playing a LOT of Wii tennis so I think that compensated for my culinary naughtiness.

So happy to see the scale continually going the right way!

You Can't Have It All

As far as 2010 goals go, I feel 100% on track with being more active and healthier. The therapy/meds are working and I'm finally at a manageable place with anxiety. I'm in a relationship and overall having a much happier years.

Except that my January spending has been OUT.OF.CONTROL. In the past month I bought:

A wii - $199.00
Wii Active - $59.99
Wii Fit - $99.99
2 other Wii games $60
a new purse $178.00
5 shirts at Victorias Secret $140.00
4 new pairs of shoes $200.00
New PJs $90.00
2 movies $35.00

Um WHAT WAS I THINKING???I spent over a THOUSAND DOLLARS in 28 days! Granted half of that was on the Wii, which I have used every single day for working out, but the other "stuff" was just spontaneous purchases out of boredom at work or just to feel "good" about myself.

I feel so good I've made some great changes to my life recently, but then feel SO BAD about the spending. I am renewing my goal as of February 1 and have been working on creating a reasonable budget for myself. I feel like I have SO many aspects of my life together now..why is this last one such a sticking point for me???

Wii.....as Revenge

Some time ago I dated Tennis Guy, who was affiliated with a major international tennis player. Recently, I bought the Grand Slam Tennis game for my Wii and he happens to be one of the characters in the game.

I have to say every time I win a point against that particular player in the game, I giggle just a little and feel an odd sense of revenge.

It's kind of empowering.

Weigh-in #2 - 158.2 (-.8)

I love seeing those scale numbers go down! I haven't (yet) made any changes to my diet or eating habits, this is ALL due to my commitment to my Wii. I do about 20 minutes a day (with a longer 40-50 min session on the weekends) and change it up often with doing my Wii active and other sports games.

 

I think this is the longest I've kept up with an "active" plan and I definitely look forward to going home and Wii-ing. I was never a gym person and just never found an at-home DVD that kept my interest for long enough. I am so happy to have found my exercise "niche" finally.  

 

I just hooked my Wii to the internet so I can play against my friends who also have Wii's so if you have a Wii and want to connect, let me know!

Hey Laaaaadies

I broke my beloved flat iron and need to replace it, but the choices out there are daunting.

Anyone out there have one they love and can recommend?

For Better...or maybe Worse?

So I finally broke down last night and called the Boy....and he had been home for HOURS! He came down with a nasty cold while he was away, so he wasn't feeling great, but I still feel like he could have texted me that he got home safe! Our conversation was fine....normal, friendly, flirty, but I'm torn between wondering if I should be getting the hint that he's "just not that into me" or wonder if after 2 months of dating we've entered a more comfortable phase where it's understood that we care about eachother and that he's coming home to me so the constant contact isn't as vital......

I HATE this feeling and wonder what happened to my nice, easy relationship.

He did say he fell on his head while skiing....

Apparently 11 months of therapy isn't quite enough

My Boy went away on a trip and I haven't heard from him in 3 days.

Leading up to this trip, things were amazing. We SO were that annoying couple you see in restaurants feeding eachother, holding hands and ignoring the world around them. He even apologized for not being able to take me on the trip with him (it was a ski trip he'd had planned with a bunch of friends for months). We texted the day he left, I wished him a safe trip and off he went.

Then....crickets.

A NORMAL girl would have hung out with friends, caught up on email, maybe did some shopping and NOT OBSESSED that she had been dumped. I, sadly have convinced myself he is breaking up with me and have moped around my house now for 2 days. I wish I could stop this crazy thinking and be rational. My therapist is always encouraging me to think in facts not fantasy.

Facts:

- I am an excellent catch and it would be his loss if he chooses to end things.

- While 3 days with no contact is unusual, it does NOT necessarily mean he is done with me. Yes, 98% of men break up with women by simply choosing to ignore them, but that does not mean he is doing this and his personality/behavior in the past has indicated that he is not the kind of person that would do that.

If I was a normal, healthy person I would realize that he's out enjoying himself and has every intention of seeing me when he gets back, just as he said. But instead I worry, obsess and grieve for a loss that hasn't even happened.

I'm definitely going to get my money's worth out of therapy this week. Sigh.

My first weigh-in - 159.0

I've been doing my Wii Active now for 2 weeks. I still enjoy the workouts and think it is definitely something I will continue. I am down 3 pounds, but not back to my pre-holiday weight quite yet. My goal is to get down to the 135-140 range.

Go Wii!

Big Girl Decisions

As my long term readers know (do I even HAVE any long term readers??) I am 100% doctor phobic. I do not go to the doctor. EVER. 9 months ago, I started seeing a therapist for my anxiety issues and now that some of those have reached a manageable stage, I am trying to branch out. (Men - this is where I warn you this is going to take a girl turn and to click away. No really. CLICK AWAY)

Now that I am in a (hopefully) long-term relationship, I know the importance of a girly-bit check up and some pills that prevent any surprise babies. So I have taken a MAJOR plunge and made a gyno appt. It's not until February, so I have a month to chicken out, but I'm hoping I can stick to my guns and make this major step towards conquering a major fear. I can't believe I have gotten to this point, and also can't believe it's taken 9 months of therapy and drugs to get here, but here I am.

Could it be?

I'm still slightly afraid to hope, but things with the Boy are going amazingly well. The thing that surprises me most is how EASY it is! I don't question his feelings, there is no drama, it's just....nice and fun!

Fingers crossed, but I have a feeling this one may be around for awhile!

Day 5

2010, so far so good. I've been eating healthy and getting my butt absolutely KICKED by Wii active every day. Also I got Just Dance for the Wii and boy does that get your heart rate up!

My month-long vaca from work will be over on Monday, so this week I'll be cooking, heading to Jersey to visit a friend and her baby and having a date with my Boy! Then it's back to the grind!

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

I bought a Wii. I have really enjoyed playing the one my parents have so I decided to use my Christmas cash and get myself one. I am hoping it motivates me to move my butt a little more in 2010. The store didn't have the wii active set, so I still have to get that, but day 1 of playing Tennis and Boxing for an hour seemed to get my heart rate up a bit, so I have high hopes!

Any other Wii lovers out there??

The Random Catch Up

Holiday was good. Got some clothes, coffee, movies....the usual fare. This trip home has been a little long though....I think I need to limit myself to a week in the future I think. 3 more days to go....wish me luck.

Things with Boy have been very good! He calls or texts every day I'm away and is definitely still interested in hanging out when I return! I have a good feeling about this one!

I'm thinking of buying myself a wii with my holiday money. I've been using my parents and I think it may be a workout plan I can stick to. I've heard good things about Wii active....any wii active players out there who have had success?

My computer died right before xmas and I got a new laptop with a nice big screen. Unfortunately I can NOT find a case that it fits in! I'm heading out today to try again, but I may have to just order it online.

I think those are the highlights....hope everyone had a great holiday!

Something Came Up

My least favorite 3 words in the English language. Boy canceled on me due to an unexpected family thing. I'm bummed, but more than that I'm insecure. I doubt its truth even though he's not once given me a reason to. I doubt I'll see him again, even though he has said he wants to. The only thing I have faith in is my history of the 2 date curse that I can never seem to get past.

I'm trying to be thankful for the fun we've had and not want more, but all I can think about is how miserable the next few weeks will be while I am away...waiting for the moment of truth...will we hang out again or will I never hear a word from him again?

This sucks.

All I want for Christmas is some Hope

I met a boy. A boy who is fun, 100% drama free. Who is a good man.

And did I mention he is HOT and happens to like me too?

We've been on dates 1 (drinks) and 2 (skating at Rockefeller Plaza....which was incredibly romantic) and #3 is planned for this Saturday (I'm cooking him dinner), but I find myself afraid to hope he'll be the one to make it past date #4. I want SO badly for him to break through my pattern lately of not making it past date #3. I'm afraid to hope, but I want to.

Fingers crossed!!

SMALL world

So I ended up bailing on my eharmony date this weekend. A Photoshop online class came up at the last minute that I didn't want to miss, so I canceled on him. Later on in the weekend I was hanging with my friend T and ended up telling him about my date. He asks me a few questions about the guy and then starts CRACKING UP. I ask him what is up and he says that my potential date is someone he knows and who had cheated on his most recent gf.

Thank you dating gods for getting me out of this one before it even started!!

Cadavers & Dates

Have yet another Eharmony date this weekend. This guy is in med school. We chatted briefly on the phone, which was 10 minutes lecturing me on getting a flu shot and 20 minutes on the purpose of cadavers for med students. Didn't ask me ANYTHING about myself....I barely spoke at all. I'll still give this one a shot (mostly because I had already agreed to have coffee with me Saturday afternoon) but let's not keep our fingers crossed for this one.

Next. 

I thought it was 3 strikes and you are out?

So Eharmony boy bailed.....went to that place men go when they are too afraid to say "I'm just not that into you". I've been on a bad streak lately. 2 dates and the guy bails. 2 dates and the guy bails. Repeat repeat repeat. It is taking its toll on my self esteem. I know you are supposed to feel confident and be happy with yourself and that's the healthiest head space to fall in love in, but in 30 years my longest relationship was 4 months. I've never had anyone tell me they loved me. I've never been in requited love.

How am I supposed to feel lovable when nobody has ever wanted to love me?

Barcelona

There are so many things I want to remember about this trip. The beauty of the city. The cafe where I ordered a capuccino and a croissant de chocolate every morning, not only because it was good, but because it was the easiest to pronounce. The sex toy shop next to my hotel. Attempting to find the Spanish arc de triumph, but getting lost. Reading Angel’s Game (a book set in Barcelona) while sitting on the hotel roof deck overlooking the city. My mani/pedi at the Hotel Arts. The weird cheese ravioli topped with almonds I had. Being surrounded by a foreign language. Enjoying good Spanish wine.

I had an amazing experience and absolutely can not wait to go back.

Click here for a slideshow of some of the photos from my trip. Let me know what you think!

I saw the signs

I think Eharmony Boy #2 is vanishing. Texting in the airport before my trip he was fine super sweet as usual. Days 1 and 2 the emails were fine and signed with our usual semi-mushy salutation. After that, short answers, then suddenly busy when I asked him to hang out today....It could mean nothing. I could be paranoid, but I've been down this road before and I know these signs. If he is vanishing, I wish I knew why, or even if he really was for sure.  I just have that "feeling" and it's making me sad. There was a glimmer of hope with this one and I'm so tired of male dissapointment. I'm tired of never needing a fourth date outfit because I never get past 3 (or in this case 2!).

I lost 10 pounds, I went on a fabulous vacation and I still can't get the guy. Sigh.

I'm back!

I am back from Barcelona. Seriously, if I could have transported my bed and books there, I would have never left! Photos and tales forthcoming!

**Parents seem to be on the mend from their H1N1...we are just keeping an eye on my Dad, as his asthma complicates the illness a bit. Thanks for all your good vibes!!!!!!

Another One Bites the Dust

Mom's got N1H1 now too. PLEASE send those good thoughts to my parents!

Good Thoughts

My dad has H1N1! All good non piggy thoughts would be MUCH appreciated!!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah

Did I mention I was in Barcelona this week?? :-)

Adios!

Technology has Surpassed Me

Bachelor #3 is still in the running. We have another date planned for Saturday. Fingers crossed this one sticks around for awhile!

My very minor complaint is that he's an over-texter. I think he has a job where he pretty much sits in front of a computer all day and I get that, so do I, but he texts me. All. Day. Long. Even if I don't respond, he still texts. Part of it is that I'm not used to attention AT ALL, so any positive male vibes to me seem strange. The messages are nice, just checking up on me (in a nice way, not in a stalker or possessive way or anything like that) but I feel like why not pick up the phone and have a 10 minute conversation with someone instead of just TYPING. My sister is an over-texter too so maybe it's just one of those newtechnology age things coupled with the fact that I've never really had a bf before so I am not properly schooled in the partnership/having someone care concepts of it all.

Also, he gets a free pass. He brought me REALLY good chocolate on our first date.

Misc. Updates

I've been a sporadic blogger lately and I'm hoping to change that! I miss you guys!!

- Therapy is still ongoing, but the more I go the more she pisses me off (and not in a good way). If I hear her say one more time "Well just go with that and stay with yourself" (which are the ONLY advice she has EVER given me) I just may go postal. Perhaps then I'd get more sage advice, but I suspect not.

- I chipped two bones in my arm doing something stupid. I used my left hand as a hammer to bang some pegs into some new furniture I was assembling and ended up breaking it! Not my finest moment.

- My Barcelona trip is coming up!!!!! I am beyond excited, but feel like I haven't prepared for it at all. I wanted to brush up on my Spanish and do some research on things to see, but I may just end up winging it. I kind of like the "wander a foreign country and see where it takes me" approach to travel.

- I've had an icky cold for the past few days, but thankfully drinking massive amounts of water and loading up on vitamin C prevented it from being TOO bad. I also spent a TON of time filling the sink with hot water and breathing in the steam which helped immensely. I must remember to buy a humidifier this winter. Vicks makes a germ free one that I've been meaning to get.

- Still doing eharmony....it's had it's ups and downs. Had one date with guy #1 that went AMAZINGLY. Probably one of the nicest/most romantic dates I've ever had.....and then never heard from the guy again. Met up with guy #2 a couple of times....but there doesn't seem to be any chemistry, despite the fact that he is SUPER smart and I like him intellectually a lot. We still email daily, so I think we'll end up being friends. Had a date with bachelor #3 last night that went super well. We got drinks, then dinner, then walked through the park a bit and chatted. He is super cute and didn't bat an eye at my broken arm/smokers voice from remnants of my cold. Unfortunately he lives 2 hours away though and I get the impression he is kind of out of my league (though that's probably just my low self esteem talking). He did text me the entire 2 hours it took him to get home though....so we shall see. I definitely like him, but I know better than to get my hopes up after just one date!

I don't care

My sister is getting married next year. Even though I'm not one for weddings and she and I aren't especially close, she asked me to be her maid of honor. After much thought, (and basically a demand from my mother that I accept), I told her I would do it, with the understanding that all the "stuff" that came with the job would be handled by my mother. I would show up, put on whatever required dress and shoes and do the holding of her flowers part. She and I were happy with that arrangement.

Then entered my mother.

She is INSISTING I be involved in every single tiny aspect of this wedding. Every conversation is about location or decorations or dresses and I just keep saying. Just tell me the date and where and I'll be there, I DO NOT CARE. I'm 30 years old and my sister is 8 years my junior. This isn't exactly a self esteem boosting event for me, but I'm doing the best I can. My sister doesn't bug me about any of this. I haven't even spoken to her in weeks. She leaves me alone, why can't my mother???!

Not my day

Today I:

Accidentally threw away a FedEx containing important documents without even opening it.

Forgot to go to therapy

Didn't tell my Tivo to record the season premier of House.

NOT MY DAY!

Weird....even for me.

My current sleeping pattern?

Sleep 8pm-10:30pm, get up, eat dinner, do work/cleaning/email etc. then go back to bed between 2-3am and sleep until 7:30am-ish.

I've battled ALL kinds of insomnia....even putting up with the 6 months or so I slept only every OTHER night, but this is ridiculous!

Week 1 - GAIN of . 6 (158.8)

So my great weight loss plan for the week, started out fabulously. I was keeping up with being more active and was eating healthy. Mid-week I was actually even down a pound!

Sadly, I was derailed by ONE box of soft pretzels. I ate the entire box (6 pretzels) in one day (yesterday) and it resulted in a gain for the week. I'm trying not to get myself down about it, but it's a hard lesson to grasp. I gain weight SO easily and am realizing that I can not slip up even a little if I want to lose weight. I think it's the expectation of perfection that ends up derailing me. My hope is that I find the balance sooner rather than later and the scale starts moving in the RIGHT direction.

Lazy

I allowed myself a lazy summer where I didn't really think about working out or trying to stay active, but the weather is cooling off and summer is coming to an end and I'm going to try to get my butt in gear. I have 35lbs I would like to drop....wish me luck here I go.

Starting weight: 158.2

Eharmony Update

My eharmony match of the day:

A guy I've dated TWICE already in the past 5 years.

Further proof that the dating pool has 100% dried up. Sigh.

Blocked

I feel like I can't write any more. I can't tell if it's a crisis of confidence, a lack of anything interesting going on or my prevailing feelings lately of being a total and complete loser, but until life gets more interesting, I'm afraid I'll be scarce.

I did, however, re-join Eharmony today....so perhaps that will make for good blog fodder. See what I do for you people. :-P

Meal Plan

I'm not sure I know what days I'm making what yet, but here is what is on the menu for the Kai household (which is just me, but let me pretend I'm not a lonely spinster ok?!)

Breakfasts: Antique Mommy's Cobbler and Monkey bread or what I call Monkey Bread, but the recipe calls it holiday bread and cold brewed coffee that is  my new obsession
Lunches and Dinners: Italian Pasta Salad with veggies, Baked Pasta with Chicken Sausage and home made pizza hot pockets that are currently taking over my freezer.

Meal Planning is BACK

I'm back to my meal plan regime! I've been researching recipes all day and am excited about trying to get back into the kitchen!

Tuesday: Lunch: Leftover CPK from a work lunch yesterday, dinner: lime chicken and mustard potatoes (both new recipes I'm trying out, I'll post the recipes if they turn out well!) EDIT: I tried them both and YUM! You must must must try the lime chicken....it was GREAT. Though I wouldn't make the mustard potatoes along side this particular chicken recipe again, I would absolutely make them again in the fall as a side to turkey meatloaf or something. Both are going into my recipe file,

Wednesday: lunch: leftover lime chicken, dinner: quesadillas

Thursday: lunch: chicken parm lean cuisine, dinner: turkey burger with leftover potatoes (if there are any!)

Friday: lunch: homemade pizza hot pocket, dinner: quesadillas

Therapy Update

Still plugging along. I was on a 6 week hiatus while she was away, but we are back to it now.

Now that the day to day anxiety is at a manageable level, we are starting in on some other issues I have, but I've sort of hit a wall because I have problems discussing certain things with her. She is a 50 something woman.....how am I supposed to discuss dating/sex etc. with her! I made a Cosmo reference the other day and she just looked at me blankly. I would REALLY love to resolve some of my issues with men, but I'm not sure I can talk to her about these things.

It's like talking to my Aunt or something....how do I get over this and open up?!

Crossing another country off my list....

I have just booked my tickets for my next big ex-US trip.....and the winner is.....

BARCELONA!!!!!!!

I'll be hitting Spain in late October!!!! I can't wait!

Next up: St. Louis in a few weeks.

My Spa trial

I do not like Spas.....I'm not a huge fan of strangers touching me....I don't like being semi-nude in the presence of others.....I hate any and all attention focused on me. I am so NOT a spa girl.

Lately I've needed to tame my eyebrows and I have an easy week at work since all the execs are out of the office, so I decided on a whim to try a Spa around the corner for work to get a quick eye brow wax at lunch.

I LOVED it. 30 minutes of being totally transported into a serene environment in the middle of a work day was SO worth having someone pour hot wax on my face and them rip it off.

If that's not a ringing endorsement, I don't know what is.

A step back

I ended up telling Traveler Guy I needed a few days to step back and regroup and that if was still interested in hanging out when he gets back from his trip this weekend to give me a call. I feel good about how I left it and hopefully I can sort my feelings out a bit in the meantime and get myself back into a healthier mindframe.


In other news:

I have another mouse (who I have now named Beatrice) . We've been cohabitating for a few weeks now (meaning I stay out of all areas I see her in) until she woke me at 4:30am a few nights ago by scratching on something near the floor by my BED. I turned the light on and managed to scare her into walking into one of those glue traps. I put a box over her and called my friend to help me extricate her. Unfortunately in the extrication process she managed to get loose again, so I'm back at square 1. Sigh. I need her OUT and I fear now there is no way I'll ever catch her. Right now I have her (I think) shut in my bedroom, so I'm camping on my couch. I MISS MY BED!

Maybe writing it will help me get over it.....

I had my second date with Traveler Guy last Friday. Started out rough, he was 45 minutes late, but it was due to train issues, so I let it slide because he was so apologetic. We had a good time over wine and dessert at this wine and chocolate bar I've been wanting to check out and then sat in a nearby park talking and kissing. A near perfect date.

Until:

He commented he would walk me to the train, which I thought meant he was going to leave me at the station, but by the time I realized he had meant he was walking me HOME, I panicked and got too embarrassed/felt too guilty he was going out of his way to say no. I was so completely oblivious to his intentions. I should have known better and been able to say no, but I wasn't. I let him come home with me and ended up hooking up with him.

This is an ALL TOO COMMON pattern with me. I've done this countless times in the past. I'm afraid of turning a guy off or making him mad he came all the way only to deny him that I go against my better judgement and just give in to what THEY want. I ignore what I want and what feels right for me out of fear of rejecting the all to rare positive male attention I receive.
I know I should talk about this with my therapist, but I'm still in the "too embarrassed to admit I'm promiscuous/making bad choices etc." phase of therapy.

Ugh. I hate that feeling of going against myself. I even asked him if he wants to hang out tomorrow and he said he would. Stupid Stupid Stupid.

I'm 30. When will I ever learn?

The 4th!

I'm back from a  brief trip to Illinois for the 4th. It was great spending time with my parents and sister. The actual 4th was cold and rainy, but the fireworks display was amazing. We spent a lot of time hanging out, playing cards, going to the pool, playing Wii....stuff we never did when we all lived at home and growing up. Maybe it was our ages (my sister and I are 8 years apart) or just day to day life got in the way, but it makes me a bit sad that this wasn't the childhood I had. All in all it was a good trip though and it makes me realize I should spend more time with my family now.

On Sunday I had a photoshoot. I've been wanting publicity photos for my retouching business so I had my very talented photographer friend, Caryn take some. We went to this abandoned windmill factory and had a blast. I'll post some of the outtakes once I touch them up a bit.

Have my second date with Traveler Guy on Friday. Wish me luck!

The Date

I went on a date last night. First one in a LONG time, so I was a little rusty, but I think it went well. We just met up for drinks at a bar in the Village and chatted. He's HOT, seems like a pretty nice guy, young (27) but has traveled the world and seems to have a good outlook on things. I'm not sure what much we have in common, but it was nice to just go out, chat and have a very attractive guy on my arm for a night. He already asked me out again, so we'll see.

It's good to exercise the flirt muscles...god knows I need the practice.

I have a wife....

A blog friend turned me on to this new website that I have officially fallen in love with. It's www.alice.com and the premise is that you spend some time telling it what household products you use and then you can order them, not only with FREE shipping, but it FINDS THE COUPONS for you and applies them to your order!! Also you can set it up to remind you to reorder something if you know approximately how often you use it. I just got my first order and it's like my own personal Target fairy dropped everything I was out of at my feet. Seriously LOVING THIS.

REALLY US weekly? Really?

"Kate Gosselin Sports New Bikini at Home" was a recent headline on the US Weekly website. Is what this woman wore in her DRIVEWAY really news?????

Photo Blog

I've started a new photo blog for my retouching company! Come check it out and feel free to pass along to anyone you know who needs photo help!

If you want to contribute ideas, posts or questions to the blog, let me know!

Learning to Ebb and Flow

I've been having that rare feeling the past few days that I've (excuse my language) got my shit together. I'm on top of things at work (thanks to my summer intern), have a good flow of freelance clients with projects well spaced out and have my meal planning down to a science, so much so that I've been bringing coffee, my breakfast AND my lunch to work every day.

I know the feeling is fleeting and that a few weeks from now I'll be eating dry cereal straight from the box for dinner because my meal plan went by the wayside and I'll be rooting through the laundry for the least offensive smelling pair of jeans, but I think I'm actually learning that it's ok to get behind on life sometimes. Nobody has it "together" 100% of the time, especially if they are trying to do it all alone. It's about balance. Some days I'm going to be on my meal plan and ok with sticking to it. Other times I'm going to give in to the pizza craving, even if it's not on that week's list, and that's ok.

It's called living life.

The Skirt

I have this skirt from the Gap I bought YEARS ago. Black, perfect fabric that doesn't wrinkle in a suitcase, perfect length, figure flattering. But when I bought it, it was a smidge too big and now that I've lost (and kept off) some weight, it falls right off me.

I put it in my Goodwill pile with a heavy hand and tried to forget about my perfect skirt, but when I finally made my trip last week to the donation bin, I couldn't bear to part with it and decided to see if I could have my perfect cheap skirt altered.

I was TERRIBLY embarrassed to take it to my fancy NYC tailor for fear of the mocking I would pay so much to get such a cheap piece of clothing taken in, but perfect black skirts are hard to find so I bit the bullet and took it in.

He listened careful to what I wanted done and inspected the label. He said in his heavy Eastern European accent "umm...this is like $18". I apologized for bringing in such cheap piece and started in on a lengthy explanation of how it was the perfect skirt and how I'd searched for years to find a replacement and couldn't and he patiently listened while glancing at the cashier with a "what is this chick talking about" look. When I finally finished he says to me "No, miss I mean the ALTERATIONS will be $18."

I thanked him, took my receipt and got out of there as fast as I could.

Non Bloggy

I don't know what is with me lately, but I'm feeling very non bloggy. My life just hasn't been very interesting lately.....economy finally taking its toll at work....benefits going down, layoffs, forced time off. Nothing fun there. Therapy isn't really working and I'm feeling frustrated about that after months of trying. No new boy news. The days are just kind of floating by with not much excitement to report! I'm fine with a nice summer that just kind of coasts along, but it doesn't make for good blog fodder unfortunately.

Hope you guys are having more blogable summers! I need to live vicariously through you for awhile!

My Home Office

Here are the before and after pics of my home office space. Once I get the boxes out, I'll take a better pic of the desk, these don't do the piece justice. FINALLY I have a proper space to work on my photos and build my business!!!!

Before (I piled my work stuff on a TV table and did my work on a couch until my back hurt)



After:

Wow.

I called my state government to find out what forms I needed to prefect a security interest.

The first person I got told me they don't give out information, just phone numbers.

The second time I called the person directed me to the online forms for applying to be a security GUARD.

The third time I got someone who actually knew what I was talking about.

Ladies and Gentelmen: The United States Government

Investment

After months of planning a home office re-do and TONS of research and waiting for backordered items, my home office project is finally coming together. My desk should arrive in a week and then all I'll have left to do is choose a desk chair.

I'm having slight buyers remorse....I spent a LOT of money on this project, but as I hope to eventually move to a 100% freelance photo career someday I have to think of it as an investment in my future. 

Guess it's time to start promoting my business now. I need this desk to pay for itself!

Take Pictures

I went to the Celebration of Life Service for a friend of mine last weekend who died a few months ago. They had a slideshow of photos playing in the background from moments throughout her life and it was very touching.

Take pictures. Take pictures of good times, bad times, times when you think you look fat, times when you think you look good. Times when you cried and times when you laughed so hard you cried. Just take pictures.

Healthy Summer Eating

Whenever the weather gets warmer I always find myself wanting to eat lighter and healthier. Since I've been home, I've been on a major protein kick, chicken breasts, egg whites, peanut butter...I ate a lot of carbs on my vacation and even though I miraculously didn't gain any weight, I want to get back to eating more balanced. Since I don't eat much meat, it's always a struggle for me. I can only eat much chicken before I go crazy.

I am looking forward to healthy summer eating....I can't wait for the first good strawberries to appear in the grocery store. YUM!

What are your favorite summer foods?

Home Sweet Home

I am back!! My vacation was lovely, but I am glad to be home. I learned a few things about myself on this trip that I thought I would share:

1) I am addicted to my Blackberry WAY more than I would care to admit. Despite not having it with me, I found myself waking up in the middle of the night looking at the nightstand to see if the new message indicator light was blinking.

2) I am 100% comfortable spending a week completely alone with minimal human contact.

3) My love for Tivo is much stronger than I thought. They should make a travel Tivo that you can take with you.....THAT would be fabulous.

4) The ocean has healing powers so much better than any drug.


Now I'm off to unpack....my suitcase currently smells like beach and I need to do laundry and re-pack. I'm off to Chicago on Friday.

The Mark of a Really GOOD Vacation

is that you don't even care that somehow on the same day within 12 hours of each other you managed to break both your computer AND your ipod.  The computer has its moments of being usable, but I think the iPod is a gonner. It had a nasty fight with a tile floor and the floor won.

I've been a lazy bum this entire trip. Pool/beach/eat repeat. I've barely taken any photos or done a thing other than read near various bodies of water.

It's been FABULOUS. I've got a few more hours of sun tomorrow morning and then I'm on my way home. With no computer or ipod to entertain me, it's gonna be a LOOOONG flight.

Vaca!

I am officially on vacation!!! I arrived in St. Maarten yesterday and have been a lazy beach/pool bum all day today. The resort I'm at is pretty empty so I had the pool all to myself this morning.

Also, THOROUGHLY enjoying the free wifi!!

A Good Way to Ring in 30

A birthday cake. Treating myself to a cab ride to work (instead of taking the subway). A facebook page and inbox full of good wishes. A cupcake. A bouquet of flowers from my cousin. Cards from a dog and a fish. A Target gift certificate from my sister (which will be used to buy a fancy new coffee maker I've been drooling over) and a fabulous beach vacation next week.

You know, I really can't complain about this whole turning 30 thing.

That's Right

I'm 30 today.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Not Helping

I've been doing this therapy/drug thing now for 2 months and I feel exactly the same and still have the exact same anxiety.

I can't tell if I'm being impatient and was wishing for a magic cure, but my expectations were after 2 months I would at least feel closer to feeling different, yet I don't. I like my therapist and she has definitely said things to me that have made me think about things differently, but I don't feel like we ever get to solutions. I'm tired of just thinking about things. Thinking I can do on my own time and without a copay. I want SOLUTIONS or tools.

Is 2 months long enough to tell if something is working or not?

No Plans

I have NO plans this weekend, no pressing chores, nothing that HAS to immediately be done.

If you need me, I'll be laying in my comfy bed trying to make it through Book 2 of the Twilight series. I won't spoil it for anyone who hasn't read it, but so far Book 2 has turned me into an emotional wreck.

Not a bad way to spend my last weekend of my 20s.

Good Cantaloupe Thoughts

Any good thoughts you could send Chicago's way I would appreciate.  A dear friend of mine is meeting with a surgeon today to discuss a lump she found in her breast recently and I'm trying to send all good vibes her way. My self proclaimed job for her has been her comedic relief. Now I just need someone to be mine.

*the cataloupe reference is from last week's Grey's Anatomy episode: "Life handed her lemons and she made cantaloupes!"

It's MAY?

May 1 today eh? The month in which I turn 30. YIKES. I was so NOT ready for this.  At least I have a beautiful beach vacation in 15 days to look forward to. Every day I visit the website of the resort I am staying at. It keeps me going.

Big Target trip planned for tonight. Living in NYC a Target trip involved car rental and major planning so it's a real treat when I get to go. Thanks to Zip Cars, I can treat myself a little more often than I used to. I also need to meal plan for the week. Somehow my freezer is STUFFED, yet I feel like I don't have many meal option. I"m sure the pasta sauce taking up 1/2 my freezer has something to do with that. LOL Note to self: next time HALVE the recipe.

Even though it's going to make for a LOT of traveling in May, I decided to go to my friend's memorial service being held in my college town. 5 days after I return from St. Martaan, I'll be heading to Illinois, but it's important to me that I go back and honor her life and her service to the University she worked at.

Cookin' and some fun in the sun

I managed to complete my EPIC weekend of cooking and now have a freezer STUFFED full of good stuff. My pasta sauce recipe made WAY MORE than I was expecting, so I will not have to buy sauce now for another year. Also, my home made hot pockets experiment turned out fabulously, so I have some of those stashed away in the freezer for emergency dinners and lunches. I will definitely be making those again and am glad I found yet another way to slash my grocery bill.

I was able to tear myself away from my kitchen on both Saturday and Sunday to enjoy the sun. On Sunday I ventured out on a walk around my neighborhood and found a park to sit in. Since I was just wandering I hadn't thought to bring anything with me so I think I may have worried a few parents who thought I was out to nab their child. Next time I'll bring some reading material and hope that makes me look less suspicious.

I can't believe it's almost May! Where on earth does the time go??

Going a little Culinary Crazy

I'm definitely getting back in the cooking from scratch/meal planning saddle. Last night I made PB&J Muffins for breakfasts.  Tonight I will be making a vat of pasta sauce and crock pot applesauce then tomorrow I will be making whole wheat rolls and attempting to make the 4 cheese hot pockets from scratch. I LOVE those things, but think I can make them myself for MUCH cheaper than I buy them and minus the preservatives.

I'm also going to try to get outside and enjoy this weather we are supposed to get. 87 by Sunday! WHOOO!

Spree

My grandmother sent me my birthday card early so I could spend the money on my birthday trip if I wanted, so I went on a HUGE book buying spree! I bought the rest of the Twilight Series (I only have book 1) and some other guilty pleasure reads for the beach. I think half my suitcase is going to be books!

In other news the coffee machine at work is broken, but apparently only for me. Other people can use it fine, but when I try, it breaks.

I don't know how my coffee karma got messed up. I've never been anything but good to it!

Survived

I survived the dentist. Wasn't too bad considering. Next up is having the rest of my wisdom teeth out, but I am going to wait until after my birthday next month for that particular fun.

Continuing my doctor tour, I have an eye appointment on Saturday. They won't let me renew my drivers license unless I have an exam and the doctor signs off of it. This must be some special NY rule. I don't remember ever having to do this in IL. I like shopping for new frames though, so that will be fun. I love having a bunch of different pairs to switch between. I also desperately need new prescription sunglasses. The ones I have been using are over 15 years old!

After this I need a medical break. Getting healthy is expensive!

A Monday of Bullets

- We MAY have turned a corner on the med side effects. The nausea seems to be more manageable, though I still am not seeing ANY benefits so I'm still not sure if I'll keep this up.

- Dentist appointment (again) tomorrow. With my anxiety I have avoided it for a LONG time, but am trying to face my fears as I look towards 30, so I found a dentist that specializes in dental phobics and had a consultation. Things don't look too bad for as long as I avoided it, but I have to go back tomorrow for some work. NOT looking forward to that.

- Had a uber productive weekend updating my retouching website, working on some new portfolio pieces and studying up on some new photoshop techniques. I've been getting freelance jobs here and there, and am hoping to slowly but surely grow my business.

I think that's it for me. How was everyone's Easter?

Just Seeing if these Anxiety Meds Really Do Work

I started to have some tooth pain this weekend and sensitivity to hold/cold so I bit the bullet, found a dentist that specializes in dental phobic patients and have myself an appointment tomorrow afternoon.

On the one hand I should feel proud that I've done something I have put off for YEARS and am facing a fear, but on the hand hand is PURE TERROR and anxiety.

Ugh. Hold my hand.

Meal Plan!

I'm still on track with my meal plan and have noticed a HUGE change in my grocery bills lately. The past month I spent HALF of what I normally do. I'm really quite proud of my new found saver skills!

On the menu for this week:
Pasta with home made sauce (a repeat from last week, but I'm trying to rid my freezer of all this sauce I have stored up!)
Soy links & cous cous (never made it last week)
Apple & Cheddar Turkey Meatballs and Cream Cheese & Sour Cream smashed potatoes (so not healthy, but looked too good to pass up)
Blueberry pancakes (I've got a ton of frozen blueberries I'm trying to use up)

and as a special treat, Raspberry scones (also have a ton of raspberries I'm trying to use)...not to mention I am ADDICTED to the ones at Starbucks and am hoping to re-create them at home.

Ready for Spring

I am MORE than ready for Spring, and even though the weather isn't cooperating, the stores sure are. There are spring styles and colors in every window and I was inspired to do some Spring shopping.

I'm trying out a few new styles for me so I ordered this:



and I'm trying out this:




Spring here I come!

Slowly but Surely

I'm slowly adjusting to my meds (I think), but still having MAJOR sickness in the morning for some reason. I see my Dr. this week again and I'm hoping she'll have some suggestions or else I'm probably going to give up on taking them.

Also, I am FINALLY starting to meal plan again! My freezer is stuffed with the spinach &artichoke lasagna I made recently, so the theme of this week's meal planning is "freezer clean out".

Sunday night/Monday lunch: Lemon & Honey Chicken with Rice
Monday night/Tues lunch:Fried rice with leftover rice & misc. freezer veggies
Tuesday night: Mini bagels I found in the back of the freezer that I'm turning into pizza bagels
Wednesday lunch: Order in
Wednesday night: Parmesean Cous Cous w/ soy link sausages
Thursday lunch: leftover Parmesean Cous Cous
Thurs night:  Frozen lasagna after Dr. appt.
Friday lunch: lean cuisine I have stashed in freezer at work.
Friday night: Turkey Burger

The best part is this is all stuff I already have, so my grocery bill for the week is $0.00!

I'm a lucky girl

My extremely generous parents offered to fund my 30th birthday trip in May, anywhere in the world I want. After MUCH consideration, I will be heading to St. Maartan!!!!!!!!

I am SO excited!

Nothing to See Here

MAJOR medicine induced nausea ensues.

It's supposed to go away in 1-2 weeks. I'm on Day 8.

Still Raining...well actually Snowing

It's SNOWING today in NY. Happy First Day of Spring.

Not only have the side effects of my new meds kicked in taking the form of MAJOR NAUSEA, I have also come down with a cold. Ugh.


If you need me this weekend, I'll be in bed under the covers battling sickness and continuing my 80s movie marathon. I've already knocked off Say Anything, next up is Moonstruck and Top Gun.

Bullets of When it Rains It Pours

 - I decided to fill the prescription. When I went to pick it up at the pharmacy my bill was $90! Apparently I had a deductible I hadn't hit this year so I had to pay the full amount. OUCH. Then I find out it's not a fully covered prescription or something so it will be $50 a month. I may need to re-think this whole "getting help" thing. Between the $40 office visit copay and the meds, I need to come up with an extra $210 a month that I'm not sure I can find.

- Also nobody told me I can't drink at all or take ANY other meds with this and of course I had drinking plans AND feel like I'm coming down with a cold. If the pharmacy I go to wasn't so absolutely horrendous I would ask them if there was any cold remedy alternatives, but last time I was there they yelled at me for filling out my forms too slow and threw a pen at me, so I don't think I'll be asking them for assistance.

- My work situation is going to GREATLY CHANGE over the next few months to a year and it's freaking me out. They are looking to fire one of the assistants and the other one just got pregnant so it looks like I'll have to go back to doing 100% asst work with zero help. I was JUST getting away from all that and turning towards doing more photo retouching for work and was finally feeling like my work situation was in a good place and now it's sliding back. I'm majorly bummed out.

- My sis got a good job post her graduation in May which is GREAT and my parents are helping her buy a house, and also giving her money for her wedding next year and I'm feeling major sibling rivalry. I'm glad that she found something she loves in this economy and is getting a really good start on post-college life, but I can't help but feel jealous. Just because I never got married I am less worthy of having my financial life be a little easier??! I fully acknowledge it's a spoiled notion, but the feelings are there nonetheless.

I think I may need to try to schedule a day off soon. I could use a "spring break" of sorts.

To be or not to be

Last night's appointment was....interesting. The issue of meds came up and though my doc didn't in any way force them on me, she definitely suggested it was something I try.  I suppressed my urge to cry, but just barely. I feel like a failure because I can't fix myself. I feel embarrassed. I feel like people will judge me. Mostly though, I feel scared I may change.

It seems stupid because the whole point of therapy is to change the aspects of your life that you are unhappy with. She explained that I have a hyper awareness and are overly in tuned to details and people (like House!) which causes my brain to get overwhelmed around other people because my brain is in overdrive trying to process everything, therefore causing the anxiety. It makes sense to me, but my awareness of people and the world is such a huge part of my personality and self that I worry about losing it. I worry that I can't be myself and not have anxiety.

 Probably not exactly what Shakespeare had in mind.

CCW had it right

In my comments the other day, CCW left this advice about going to my therapy appointment:  "Get Dressed. Go. Don't Lie"

It sounds easy enough, but it was harder than I thought to get some of the hard truths out in words, but I did it.

The appointment was mostly me telling her the things I would like to work on, her saying "give me an example" and me telling anecdotes, but I get a good vibe from her so I think I'll stick it out for awhile. I have to go back on Monday so we'll see what happens with #2. For now, I'm just proud I made is through #1.

Nerves. Oh the Irony.

Tomorrow night is my first therapy appointment. I'm a basket full of nerves. What to expect? What to say? What will SHE say?

I know I should do this and I have to fight the "flight" desires, but it's going to be very hard to get on that train after work and make this appointment. All good thoughts you could send my way at 8pm tomorrow night would be greatly appreciated.

SLEEP!

My sleeping patterns lately have been F*CKED up! Two nights ago I took sleeping pills to try to force myself to acclimate. For whatever reason they took four hours to kick in, which left me with 4 hours of sleep.

Last night I was exhausted so I dropped into bed around 9:30. I slept until 11 and then was up the rest of the night!
5.5 hours of sleep in 2 days is NOT enough.

Here's hoping I can find some sleep after watching my boy Danny Gokey on American Idol. I have a HUGE crush on him and hope he's around till the end.

Bullets

- Got to see my lawyer that I flirt with this morning. I feel like a giddy school girl. LOL I wish it wasn't a conflict of interest for us to date....I definitely like him and get the vibe he likes me, but will never cross the line. Oh well, flirt friends are nice.

- Went through my home office files last night to purge what I needed. OMG was I hanging onto paper that from a DECADE ago. Now of course, comes the process of shredding it all. Ugh.

- I joined Zip Cars today. It's this car sharing program that's like renting a car, but you can do it by the hour. The garage is less than a block from my apartment so now I can have a car to use practically whenever I want! I'm very excited about being able to run errands/go to the beach this summer, etc. I think I am going to love it.

- Going to attempt to start cooking again this weekend. I'm going to try making lasagna in my crockpot. Hopefully this will get me started back on track with my meal planning. I'm excited about it again now that I know I can get to a REAL grocery store (not the NYC neighborhood mini-stores) more often with the zip car. I may even be able to shop at my beloved Trader Joes more. I LOVE that store.

- I just realized that my drivers license expires on my birthday this year. I can renew online, but I have to get an eye exam and proof to submit. Happy flipping birthday (in May) to me. What to remind me that I'm OLD now NY DMV. Ugh.

The Purging

The home office re-do is coming along. I got some great desk accessories from the Container Store using Oprah's 20% off coupon and I have begun the purging process for when my backordered desk finally arrives next month. Tonight I went through my misc cables box and my computer disks box and got rid of at least 50% (finally getting rid of those "hmm what is this for...guess I'll keep it" cables and computer disks I no longer have drives in my computer for (zip and floppy)). On the agenda for the rest of the week is dealing with paper. I need to find Suze Orman's list of how long you have to keep financial records and then watch out. I am going to be a SHREDDING machine!

Messages

Although I do admit enjoying celebrity news and gossip at times, I have always fully acknowledged that we don't even get a fraction of the whole story and think people are quick to judge their lives based on a few attention grabbing headlines. But when I read this weekend that Rihanna had reconciled this weekend with Chris Brown after their (alleged) argument that turned physical, my heart sank.

Though I am sure we don't know the whole story, unfortunately thousands of young girls who do follow the singers and the celebrity gossip just received the message that it's ok to have a relationship with someone who hits you.

We don't teach our girls to value themselves above others. I know that I myself struggle with this daily. I've stayed longer than I should, put up with more than I should, not stood up and said enough when I should.

I know the problem is bigger than celebrity news, and why we idolize (and idealize) it, but that doesn't change the fact that young girls and women in the 21st century have seen yet another example that it's ok to allow someone else to devalue you.

When will we learn to stop accepting the unacceptable?

It's a good thing I'm not on fire

After many years of suffering with general and social-related anxiety I attempted to take the plunge today to find a therapist. I called 10 people and NOBODY was accepting new patients. I left voicemails for 3 others, but at this point I have lost hope. I'm beginning to think there is no (insurance covered) help out there.

Sigh. At least I tried I guess.

UPDATE: After 13 phone calls to doctors listed on my insurance company's "find a dr" website, I got a dr to call me back, after TWO phone calls with her, two attempts to navigate my insurance company's automated phone system and another call to the dr with the requested insurance info, I FINALLY have an appointment.

In mid-March.

Hey, at least it's something.

Meal Planning Suspended

So my meal planning has come to a screeching halt. Due to my eternal fear of my post-mouse kitchen, I am no longer eating meals at home. I'm either going to starve, go broke eating out or get over it. Sadly the latter has the least chance of happening.

Being a anxious phobic is really getting old.

My favorite store

I arrived home from San Francisco this morning at 2am. Even though I had to be up 6 hours later for work, I wanted to relax a bit, so I scrolled through my Tivo to see if there was something I could watch while I was puttering around the house. I noticed it had recorded an Oprah episode on decluttering and organizing so I hit play.

Boy am I glad I did! It turns out that the Container Store has a 20% off coupon for everyone who saw that episode, available for download on their website. It's only good until March 1, so get it NOW!

I heart the container store and now I can heart it for 20% off!

I forgot!

With all the mouse excitement I completely forgot to tell you all that I was in San Francisco the past 4 days! I'm terribly jet lagged and behind on laundry/twitter/blogs and Tivo, but I promise to catch up and tell you all about it. It's a LOVELY city and I highly recommend it if you've never been.

The House of Mouse

My weekend started out lovely. I bought myself wine and roses on Friday and had big 3 day weekend plans that included a good apartment scrubbing and some major relaxing. Sadly, I spent the entire weekend (and continue to be in) anxiety hell.

On Saturday morning I saw a mouse in the kitchen. I make no apologies for it, I am a TOTAL complete GIRL when it comes to bugs and mice. I literally spent the entire weekend sitting in the middle of my bed with my shoes on, in a state of panic. An exterminator came and closed up some holes and left some traps (and I think one got caught) and he said he was sure I only had one and that he hadn't been there long, so it's likely over, but I still can't stop the freaking out. I haven't set foot in my kitchen since Friday and I'm starving. The exterminator said he would come back in 2 weeks to do a check, but I'm not sure I can make it that long. Thankfully I leave on Thursday for San Francisco for a few days, but of course I'm going to spend the entire time worrying that there will be a mouse party in my absence.

Sigh. I hate anxiety/fear.

No use crying over spilled....coffee

I knocked my coffee cup over onto the rent check I was supposed to send out for work.

I sent it anyway.

Peace.

The wait is over.

My friend has finally come to her peace.

Depressed? Tired? Hibernation?

I spent nearly every hour of this weekend in bed. Sometimes sleeping, sometimes, just lying there enjoying the weight of the covers on me, but almost my entire weekend was spent avoiding daily life.

Also, I ate an entire box of Entenmann's chocolate donuts in 2 days*.

Something is definitely up with me.....I just don't know what it is.

*no I'm not PG....I haven't been in the company of a man since it was warm enough to wear skirts and flip flops.

Sigh. Spring can't come soon enough.

The Wait

I have spent the better part of a week now waiting for peace to come to a friend/former teacher losing her battle with MS. The thoughts that have come to mind this week have been varied, from guilt I didn't keep in touch aside from emails and letters and help out more, to having flashbacks of the better times. When I moved into my first post-college apartment, her house was on my way home and I would often stop and visit with her and her dog. With no blood relations in her life that acted like family and no partner, her colleagues, former students and friends were her family.

By the time her MS symptoms were starting to worsen, I had moved across the country and could be little help aside from correspondence and prayers. I would send her photos of my travels and we would trade stories about our dogs. Oh the countless times I threw the ball for her dog on those nights I stopped by her house. One of the many things I will remember most is the love she had for her dogs.

I can't imagine what it is like to be at the end of your path, especially with no children or partner to be by your side. Several former co-workers have taken turns sitting by her bedside, making sure that someone is with her until the end. I selfishly wonder if my own solitude of now will also be my solitude in death. The thought keeps me up at night.


I hope that peace comes soon for you Shelley. Your kindness and strength have shown through to the end, but that is just a fraction of the legacy you will leave behind.


I wish I had stopped by on my way home more often.

Your Thoughts?

I'm curious as to your thoughts the woman who gave birth to the octuplets from IVF recently. From what I understand, she is 33, has 6 other children all under the age of 8 and no father of any of her children is in the picture.

I think the mother made a poor choice. I certainly understand the desire to have a child, but I think there has to be a point where the practicality of finances and familial strain have to win out. Though I definitely question the doctors who thought this woman was a good candidate for IVF (and I'm DYING to know who paid for it....it is NOT cheap!), I so SO hate that IVF is getting a bad reputation in all this. I have a married colleague in her mid 40s who (responsibly) used it and had twin girls, but was completely in a stable emotional and financial place before she and her husband made that choice. I feel bad that these 14 children have to grow up in a difficult situation.

If she gives an interview, I'm torn about watching.  Even though I think it's WRONG for her to benefit off her poor choice, ultimately I hope the money would be used for her childrens' benefit. Ultimately with all the unanswered questions (seriously WHO PAID FOR THIS??) I think curiousity will get the best of me and I'll tune in. If she gets her own TV series, I doubt I would watch (though I must admit I DO love Jon and Kate plus 8). I wonder if this story will impact their series at all??

Show me the Money!

Taxes are DONE! I'm spending my rebate money on the new home office and of course the desk I love is on back order for 3 months. Sigh. I'm going to keep looking, but if I don't find anything else, I'll just wait it out.

With superbowl excitement I forgot about this week's meal plan! It's time to clean out the freezer, so this week will be a little of everything, mini turkey meatloafs, mac & cheese, baked ziti....and who knows what else is buried in there. If I find anything good I'll let you know!