Wednesday, August 20, 2008

A Year

It's almost a year to the day that I met Tennis Guy for the first time at my favorite little bar around the corner from work. I hadn't dressed up or even done my hair that night. I wasn't expecting to meet someone whose memories I would still be holding on to a year later. 3 apple martinis later I was intrigued. I knew he was only in town for a few more days, but I couldn't help myself, I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to more than kiss him. We left the bar to part our separate ways and he walked me to my train stop. I figured I would never see him again, but I couldn't help but grab and hold his hand as we walked. On the corner where we were to part ways, I looked at him to say goodbye and I knew I had to kiss him. Apparently he felt the same because before I could move, he kissed me and our intense chemistry became apparent, a mere 2 hours after meeting. We said goodbye and I had no idea if I would see him again.

By the time I got home, I had several text messages from him. He wanted to know everything about me as well and I knew our story wasn't done. I saw him every free moment he had in those few days he was still in New York. He left the country after that, and my phone bill grew exponentially with international calls and text messages until he came back to visit me a few weeks later. The weekend we spent together was beyond amazing. He left the country again after that but we still spoke often and kept in touch daily. It had only been a few months, but marriage was spoken of and for the first time in my life, the concept didn't frighten me. Nothing in my life had felt so right and I thought I'd found my "person".

We went off and on for months until I discovered in March that he was seeing someone else. I was devastated and the wounds are still raw.

Practically I know I shouldn't miss him and cry about him any more, and I probably don't miss him as much as I miss the feeling I had with him, the comfort, the security...the looking towards the future with happiness and possibility instead of the usual dread, but I do still cry about him more than I should. I have a good head on my shoulders, I don't know how I could have been so wrong about him. I'm afraid I will never trust my feelings about people again and I've given up on finding love.

The US Open is next month and he'll be in town again. I don't know if he will try to contact me again, but I know I can't handle it, so I've arranged to be out of NY and will be going to Los Angeles.

They say after break-ups it gets easier over time, but it's been a year and I'm still waiting for the easier. Any day now I'm hoping.

3 comments:

Cheeky said...

Better you found out now instead of after 17 years of marriage......Go to LA and have a GREAT time and have a drink for me

ccw said...

I hope you have a great time while you are out of town. The distance is probably the best thing you can do for yourself.

I'm sorry it still hurts after a year. As cliche as it sounds, it can and will get better with time.

Tracey said...

I'm sorry. There isn't any one way to "get over" someone. If he had died, no one would be questioning your mourning of the loss of that love. But because he didn't have the same feelings for you that he CLAIMED to have, you are supposed to just "get over it," right?

Sorry, hon. Crossing my fingers that you find what you're looking for, and that you can release that ache for him soon...