Progress!

I met a guy recently who I thought had date potential. He was attractive, intelligent and we clicked instantly, but I got a hint of a "player"vibe from him.

Normally I wouldn't go with my gut and would continue pursuing him, hoping that I was either 1) wrong or 2) going to be "the one" he gives up his harem for, but I'm done with bad relationships with toxic men and wasting my time.

I am going to trust my instincts, politely decline any future dates and MOVE ON!

Hurrah for the first step in getting a romantic backbone!

You can't make this stuff up....

I work for a privately owned company. It's owned by one older gentleman and his wife. To call them eccentric is the understatement of the century and there is obviously some dementia or other mental health condition as well. It's not the easiest working situation, but it's certainly never dull. Take today for example:

One of my duties for today was to organize a birthday party, including cake, champagne and candles for a co-worker. A co-worker that he refuses to call his real name and instead calls by a fictitious name. The cake says Happy Birthday "fictitious name". It is nowhere near his birthday. The owner knows this and doesn't care. He has prepared "fake" speeches to read and attendance is required for everyone in the company.

At least now the insanity comes with booze and cake....

What Happened

I just finished reading the former White House press secretary's book, What Happened. Though I am clearly not a Republican, I have always had a fondness for Scott McClellan. During his tenure as press secretary I read his press briefing transcripts daily. I had mixed feelings though, when I heard he had written a book. I think it's tacky to write a book capitalizing on your job and exposing "company" secrets. In the end though, curiosity got the best of me and I bought the book in an airport on one of my recent trips.

Within the first few pages, and certainly by the end I realized how different his job was to any other position in the world. His was not a a typical job in which you may receive mis-information that you in turn pass along to a small group of coworkers and all is forgotten by the end of the week. He was put in front of the world on a daily basis and part of his job unfortunately involved unknowingly (for the most part) deceiving the entire country. He wrote the book not to capitalize on the experience, but to apologize for it, and in that regard, I respect him for writing his story and attempting to restore the credibility he lost during those years.

I am admittedly a news junky and make a point to get my daily news fix from a variety of U.S. and foreign sources, so I didn't really expect to learn any new information in his book and for the most part I didn't. In regards to the war and the reasons behind our engaging in it, he did mostly just confirm what eventually came out in the media eventually so there was no surprise there, and the same with the Valerie Plame leak, though he did clear up some timeline questions that I'd had regarding that scandal. Most surprising was a relatively small part of the book near the end where I learned more about the federal governments handling (or not handling as the case may be) of Katrina. They were wildly cavalier about the severity of the storm and largely ignored it until way too late in the game. I shouldn't have been surprised though. Time after time the government of the past 8 years has shown a disregard for truth and information and instead has pushed an agenda based on politics and spin. In all fairness though, the 8 years prior to that did the same thing, and, as Scott points out in his book, it's indicative of a large problem in government which is the culture of deception.

Overall I'm happy I gave in and bought the book. Though it definitely has some style problems, he jumps around time-wise and is hard to follow at times, and I could have done without of a few (of the many) personal attacks on Condoleeza Rice, I was glad to have read his side of the story. At the very least it makes me feel at least a little bit better about my own job.

Coming Out of It

I've been trying to keep my head above water lately, and there are days when it feels like I'm in a bathtub and days when it feels like I'm in an ocean, but I'm starting to come around I think. The soldier I've been writing to in Iraq sent me a letter and some photos this weekend, which did wonders for regaining some perspective on life.

I've been unhappy lately, probably since I came to New York 4 years ago, maybe even before that. The events that lead to my escaping Illinois and coming here were traumatic and life-altering. It was one of those moments that defines a piece of you by what you choose to do with the event. I chose bitterness, resentment and hate. I chose to take a path that took me even farther away from my true self. So far away that I almost don't know who that is anymore.

Let's hope I can find it buried underneath the sea of bad choices.....

I interrupt this moment....

I'm still in my "moment" but I wanted to share a funny story from work today:

I have one MAJOR pet peeve and that is fingerprints or marks on my computer screen. If anyone comes anywhere near my screen with a finger or pen, I have minor convulsions and have (embarrassingly) been known to bat the President of my company's hand away when it gets too close to the screen when he is pointing out errors in documents to me. Needless to say, I NEVER touch my own screen.

Today I needed to make a personal phone call at work in private. Having forgotten my Blackberry at home, a co-worker said I could borrow her phone and handed it to me. I was in such a rush to get downstairs to make my call, that I didn't look at it.

I get outside and take the phone out of its case to dial and I realize she gave me an iPhone....no keys or buttons, just a touchscreen.

Crap.

I made multiple attempts, but I just could NOT bring myself to touch the screen to use it. Luckily I bumped into another coworker who was heading out to run an errand and borrowed his phone.

Guess I can cross iPhone off my Christmas list.

A Moment.

I'm having a moment. A moment where I feel lonely in this world. A moment where I feel overwhelmed and powerless. A moment where I feel it just shouldn't be THIS hard.

Be back later when my moment is over.

#1...Sent!

I sent out job application #1 today. I think I may finally be in a groove with this whole cover letter thing. Normally they make me want to find the nearest sharp object and stab myself repeatedly, but this was seemed to come a bit easier. Perhaps doing it while sitting outside on the patio of my favorite local pub with a glass of wine was the trick.

Edited to add:

Damn damn damn! I just realized I had a spelling error in my application for that job! Sucessful instead of successful. Grrrrr! I HATE it when I do that.

A Summer Treat!

A friend of mine recently told me about a pool/spa that's about a 45 minute train ride away from my apartment. It's a bit pricey, but a daily pass includes access to their gym in addition to their various pools and the photos look beautiful. I can't afford to go too much, but it looks like a perfect occasional summer treat for myself! The prices are cheaper during the week, so I think I'll play hooky one gorgeous summer day and have some fun!

Waving Goodbye

I have never felt like I was on the same life path as the rest of my peers. Growing up the daughter of a teacher turned principal, I was certainly never going to be the kid who everyone wanted to hang out with. My family also moved quite a few times during my youth, and those being pre-email and instant message times, the few friendships I did make were usually short-lived. The few attempts I've made at romantic relationships have never been successful and/or healthy and the older I get, the slimmer the pickings seem to be. Always one to be independent, be it due to nature or nurture, I've never been a person who excelled in relationships or socialization.

Already someone whose life-long independence has spawned many feelings of loneliness, I've gone through my nearly 30 years of life watching others around me be successful at exactly the things in life that I have not been. The years post-college started the "bridesmaid" years where my friends all seemed to get married en masse. In recent years even my sister, younger than me by 8 years, got engaged (though it was subsequently called off). Though I am, of course, happy for the love that my friends and family have found with their partners, the happy times also stir up some ugly self-reflection and questioning of "what is so wrong with me that nobody wants to love me?". I hate that I can't be selfless in these moments and not have the happiness of others link to my own inadequacies.

Now it's on to a new phase. The "marrieds" are spawning and my email inbox is flooded with sonogram photos, birth announcements and first birthday party invites. The gap between me and my friends on the path of life is widening and I can't even see them in the distance any more. The people I care about most in the world are creating their own beautiful families and I'm still the girl in the corner at a junior high dance chewing on her hair. My support system has done what you are supposed to do, grow up, find someone who walk the path of life with and, if the two of you choose, have children. I certainly don't fault them for having new lives and a shift in priorities, but I can't help but selfishly feel abandoned and even jealous that they all have managed to do something I have repeatedly failed at.

I don't want to be someone who can't be happy for other people, or who finds that the happiness of others causes pain, but I fell that is slowly who I am turning into. I have a constant internal struggle between relationships I desire to have and my inherent belief that I am just not capable of, or built for, love and cohabitation. I know I need to accept that it's ok if I am alone and develop my own life, outside of the pressures of society (and my mother) to "settle down" in traditional ways, but I don't know how to do that when everyone else around me is traveling down the same path together and I'm far behind waving to them in the distance.

The Month of No Purchases

I recently paid off ALL my debt and since then have been successful at keeping myself out of debt, but I'm just barely breaking even. I depleted my savings in order to become debt free, but if I'm serious about my job hunt and moving, I am going to have to start to rebuild that as quickly as I can. One of the ways I'm going to jump start this is to declare July the month of NO non-food/basic essentials purchases. Every month I look at my credit card statements and see hundreds of dollars that didn't need to be spent. I've always had trouble with creating a budget because a significant portion of my income is overtime and my paycheck fluctuates greatly each pay period.

Hopefully a month of no purchases will help jump start my savings. It would be nice to have more than $0.06 left over in a month (which was what I currently have left in my account after paying my bills).

Any tips for saving money and/or saving on food would be MUCH appreciated! How do you budget savy people survive?!

Settle a Disagreement!

Internets I need your opinion! Here's the situation and please let me know who you think is right!

I am one of 3 assistants at work who all share an office. We all support different departments and people and technically our jobs should not in any way overlap. Except that because I show up on time, stay late and do not leave my desk for hours at a time during the day to run personal errands and/or get my nails** done like my two co-workers do, I end up doing quite a bit of their work. Their bosses (who are higher than mine) come in and routinely ask me to do things for them, simply because I was the one in the room when they came in.

**their bosses KNOW they leave, but never do anything about it and it's my #1 (daily!) complaint to HR.

Here is the disagreement: *I* believe that if the task is an immediate task (e.g., "go get me coffee", "get person X on the phone" etc.) it should, of course, be done by the person who was asked (aka usually me). However, if the task given was something for the future (e.g., "set up a meeting next week with Y", "make my travel plans for October") then it's perfectly ok to take the note for the person's actual assistant and have THEM do it. My coworkers, however, think whomever is asked should be the person who does the task, no matter when it is for. It should be noted that they are rarely, if ever, asked by my boss to do things 1) because I'm always at my desk and 2) because the department I work in has very specific knowledge that they wouldn't necessarily know how to do.

Thoughts?

I don't get it.....but I'm doing it.

Can someone explain Twitter to me? I recently joined the craze, but I'm not sure I get it! Have I really hit the age where technology is outgrowing me and I can no longer keep up???

Happy 4th!

Happy 4th to everyone out there! I'm enjoying my day off by organizing my kitchen cabinets and scrubbing the fridge!

While I'm up to my elbows in old leftovers and breathing in the smell of Method's Cucumber All-Purpose Cleaner (LOVE this stuff), here's a few fun 4th of July facts from MSN.

10 Surprising Facts About the Fourth of July

Everyone loves Independence Day, the quintessential American holiday, full of parades, picnics, and ... surprising facts? You bet! Be the life of the party--share a few of these tasty nuggets of knowledge with your fellow picnickers this year.

1. Independence Day commemorates the formal adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776. However, it was not declared a legal holiday until 1941.

2. Fireworks were made in China as early as the 11th century. The Chinese used their pyrotechnic mixtures for war rockets and explosives.

3. Uncle Sam was first popularized during the War of 1812, when the term appeared on supply containers. Believe it or not, the U. S. Congress didn't adopt him as a national symbol until 1961.

4. There are many precise rules for taking care of the American flag. And speaking of flag traditions, we're sorry to report that contrary to legend, historical research has failed to confirm that Betsy Ross sewed the first flag.

5. Not all members of the Continental Congress supported a formal Declaration of Independence, but those who did were passionate about it. One representative rode 80 miles by horseback to reach Philadelphia and break a tie in support of independence.

6. The first two versions of the Liberty Bell were defective and had to be melted down and recast. The third version rang every Fourth of July from 1778 to 1835, when, according to tradition, it cracked as it was being tolled for the death of Chief Justice John Marshall.

7. The American national anthem, the "Star-Spangled Banner," is set to the tune of an English drinking song ("To Anacreon in Heaven").

8. The iron framework of the Statue of Liberty was devised by French engineer Alexandre-Gustave Eiffel, who also built the Eiffel Tower in Paris.

9. The patriotic poem "America the Beautiful" was published on July 4, 1895 by Wellesley College professor Katharine Lee Bates.

10. Father of the country and architect of independence George Washington held his first public office at the tender age of 17. He continued in public service until his death in 1799.

Random Act of Kindness Day

This morning on the train a woman spilled her coffee on her outfit and the woman sitting next to me rummaged through her purse and handed the other woman some tissues so she could clean it up. I thought to myself....that was really nice.....

A few moments later I was at Starbucks and noticed the older gentlemen in front of me had left his briefcase on the floor in front of the counter and I ran after him to return in.

What a great way to start my morning!!

Army Wives

A friend recently got me hooked on Army Wives. It's a show on Lifetime about the lives of 5 women who are spouses in the military (4 women are spouses of men of various ranks and 1 is a mid-ranked woman who is in the Army herself).

For obvious reasons this show stirs up many emotions for me. Though I know it's not real, the images of men at war, on base and even back home with their families remind me of the years that my best friend Aaron was a Marine stationed in Iraq. I can't help but think I didn't write him enough, support him enough and tell him how proud I was of him. Since his (safe) return home and subsequent leaving of the Marines, we've lost touch. We are still friends, but have grown apart and are no longer a daily or even monthly part of each others lives. It happens with friendships, and I accept that it's a part of growing up and changing and I know in my heart that if I ever needed him, he would, of course be there. I know he knows the reverse is true and I find comfort in that.

Through my own experience with Aaron at war, and even through the scenes in the show I am reminded of how important letters and pieces of home are to the men and women at war. I can't take back the years Aaron was away and my own laziness of writing to him and supporting him while he was away and I will forever hold regret for that. Recently, I joined a soldier pen pal program and have been writing letters to those stationed overseas. I know it doesn't change the past, and it probably won't even make my regrets go away, but I feel better knowing that I am doing what I should have done for Aaron for someone else.

Photos up!

Got a few photos up from my trip! Head over to my site and click on Mexico to take a look.

http://krpphotography.com/

Back!

I'm back on US soil! Did ya miss me?

I had every intention of blogging during my trip, and I even had internet access, but I just never got around to it. I promise details and photos of my trip this week!

I downloaded my photos and at first glance I'm disappointed in them. I underestimated the brightness of the sun down there and everything has a "haze" in it. I know I can fix that in Photoshop, so photos will be slow coming. I will leave you with one (unedited) though to tide you over in the meantime. This was my view out my balcony every night:


Gorgeous!

Healthwise the week on the beach did wonders for me. I'm definitely feeling 100% better now and think my issues from before my trip were a combo of exhaustion/stress/dehydration. It's definitely a lesson to start taking better care of myself! (and a definite sign to get that second airconditioner!)

I'm catching up on blogs today (goodness you guys were chatty while I was gone!), but I definitely want to say CONGRATS to my friend Audrey at Pinks and Blues on the birth of her 4th son!!!!! Welcome to the world Henry!

Be Happy or Be A Good Earth Patron?

Taking a break from my inexplicable illness posting for a day to ponder something completely frivolous.

I'm considering getting a second airconditioner. I have one in my bedroom currently, which means that during hot periods I am limited to only being in that room of my house, with no TV and makes it impossible to cook. If I got a second one for the main living area of the house, I would be able to roam my apartment freely. I absolutely hate NY summers and being able to cool my entire house would significantly improve my happiness for 3 months of the year.

The downsides:

1) Cost....my power bill already doubles with the use of my bedroom AC only at night, adding a second one would increase my bill exponentially...but only for 3 months....

2) The Environment...I try to be a good earth patron, I eat organically when possible, use "green" cleaning products, bring my own reusable bags to the grocery store and recycle religously....I don't NEED another air conditioner, it's more a convenience and luxury item. Is it worth it?

3) Would I use it enough to justify the cost....I already have window fans in both my living room and kitchen windows that helps with the heat and I'm not home much during the week, so it would mostly be for the weekends and the the nights I get home early.....I DO get off work early some days in the summer and having 2 ACs would also allow me to have guests in the summer, since currently anyone who stays with me has to sleep in my room. A fine compromise when it's say, Eharmony boy, but not so good when it's Dad visiting.

Hmm...to be happy, cool and broke or be hot, hungry and a good environmentalist??

Still feeling....off

I'm pretty much the same as yesterday. Still just feeling "off". I'm too afraid to go to the doctor this close to my trip, but I've been researching doctors covered by my insurance and there happens to be one literally at the end of my block I'm considering for when I return. I'm worried about a possible language issue (she's Romanian), but unfortunately in my neighborhood, there were no female doctors educated in the U.S. to choose from. **I have NOTHING against doctors from other countries at all and don't doubt their capabilities one bit, but this experience is going to be a rough one for me and I fear that adding language/communication issues will push me over the edge.

I wish more people understood the absolute crippling fear I have of doctors/dentists, etc. The only thing I can compare it to is what a dog probably experiences when you take them to the vet; the shaking, crying and overwhelming "flight" reaction.....except theres the complete embarrassment factor as well, which is actually my primary anxiety about the experience. It's very much a vulnerability issue, I just can NOT bring myself to get nearly naked, have awkward, embarrassing conversation with a stranger that ends in the possibility of them telling you all the things that are wrong with you. It is terrifying and I am in complete awe of people who can just make appointments without having to dial 30 times because you are shaking so much you can't hit the right numbers.

Hopefully my mysterious ailment will be cured by some time in the sun, sleeping in and relaxing by the ocean. 3 days until Mexico!!!!!!

Update

I'm feeling better today. I managed to make it in to work just fine and even though I don't feel 100% better, I feel ok. Hopefully as the week goes on, I'll be back to normal. I'm heading out to Mexico for my vacation on Saturday morning so hopefully by then I'll be completely back to normal.

Unfortunately the weather forecast for Puerta Vallarta all this week and next week is RAIN RAIN RAIN EVERY SINGLE DAY. My parents have been there for 3 days and it hasn't let up the entire time. So much for my relaxing trip to the beach! Ugh.

Black Out....

I was on my way to work this morning and feeling fine, when all of a sudden I started to black out! I managed to prevent my sight from entirely going dark, but I could barely make out anything. I got off the train and somehow managed to change trains to get back home, but it was very scary. I'm feeling ok, but I do notice that I'm still a bit lightheaded every time I stand up. I took a slow walk to the store and got Gatorade and I've been drinking that and water/plain iced tea all day. I'm really hoping it was just dehydration and the heat and that I'll be better in the morning.

**Yes, I know I should see the doctor, but unfortunately my extreme fear of doctors prevents me from going, even in emergent situations.

Thoughts from a HOT Weekend

What do you do when it's too hot to cook? Make chocolate covered strawberries of course! Melt the chocolate in the microwave and dip! The hardest part is waiting the 30 minutes or so until they cool! YUM!

A friend got me hooked on Army Wives** recently, so I ended up on the couch yesterday watching the entire first season marathon. It was a FABULOUS, relaxing day and my strawberries were done in time for the last episode. It was quite the cliffhanger and I'm glad that Season 2 starts tonight so I don't have to wait long to see what happens!

** also it took me nearly EIGHT hours of watching the show before I realized that I was coincidentally wearing my ARMY t-shirt the entire time. I blame the heat.

An AC Whine

I hate nothing more than NYC summers. The smell, the sweaty subway patrons pressed against you and the lack of central AC in most apartments drives me crazy. The next three days are supposed to be in the mid 90s and even though it's only in the 70s today, I'm already in a bad mood. I had high hopes of doing a deep clean of my apartment, but it's going to be too hot to move. I have AC in my bedroom, but I can really only afford to turn it on at night. I've NEVER had to turn it on this early in June.

Sigh. It's going to be an unbearable 3 months....

Spring Cleaning.....my email!

I've been feeling the urge/need lately to do a heavy cleaning of my apartment. I've blocked out all of next weekend for the task and I'm looking forward to having a clean space.

My cleaning urge has now extended to...my email. I have a "junk email" address that I use for signups and lists of things I don't want in my regular account, but over the years I've signed up for news alerts and store coupons that I no longer want and my email is starting to get out of control. I've begun the arduous task of unsubscribing from the mass of email lists I've gotten myself on, some of which do NOT make it easy to get your name off of and it's liberating. No more precious time wasted on weeding through hundreds of emails a day! I should have done this a LONG time ago.

Countdown!

In 11 days I am leaving the country to go sit on a beach, drink cocktails and NOT do any work for 8 glorious days!!

Puerto Vallarta (actually Nueva Vallarta) here I come!!!!!!!

The TO DO list never ends.....

This weekend I:

- Sanded and got 2 coats of paint on the bench I'm painting for my bedroom.

- Got through the first 2 chapters of my learning Photoshop book (and practiced the techniques until I got them down.

- Helped a friend through a rough patch with her asshole bf (highlights of their relationship include: him having 2 kids with 2 different women, the second of which he had DURING his relationship with my friend; him inviting ALL his women to his birthday party by accident and then realizing what he did and deciding not to show up to the party himself; and their moving in together and his constant refusal to come home most nights (and has now been gone over a week with no word or phone call). We have ALL attempted to get her to leave him, but she is adamant that she won't, so now I just try to help her develop coping skills and some independence so she can at least have some happiness. It's exhausting.

- Organized my pile of stuff for Goodwill

- Made pizza from scratch with Eharmony boy

It was a very productive weekend, but an exhausting one too! Next weekend is my last one before I go to Mexico and I'm hoping to do a deep clean of my apartment and just relax. The deep clean might take up the whole weekend though....NYC is a dirty, dirty place!

Diary of My Day....

Someone else did this and since I'm all out of things to blog about, I thought I'd try too. Enjoy!

7:00AM: Randomly wake up, even though my alarm doesn't go off for another hour and 15 minutes. No matter what I will always wake up at this time. Fall back asleep.

8:00AM: Randomly wake up again, even though my alarm doesn't go off for another 15 minutes. Turn TV on to the news and lay back in bed.

8:15AM: Alarm goes off. Turn off and get out of bed. Dress/Brush Teeth/Clean Glasses/Throw Lunch in Purse

8:35AM: Leave the house.

8:40AM: Get to subway, wait for train

9:05AM: Arrive at Starbucks near work. Order grande vanilla iced coffee. Head to work.

9:15AM: Get to work

9:45AM: Get mad that nobody else is at work, even though we are supposed to be at work by 9:30.

9:47AM: Realize I've left my bagel in the toaster at work and run to kitchen. Realize that since nobody is at work yet, it's still there untouched and that I haven't pissed off anyone by clogging up the one toaster.

9:50AM: Get pissed at coworkers who show up on a daily basis 20 minutes late. Turn music up loud and ignore them.

9:50AM-7PM: Work, check gmail, read celeb gossip, blogs and attempt to look busy every time my boss walks by

7PM-ish: Leave work and head home. Watch the Anderson Cooper video podcast on the train.

7:45PM: Arrive home. Shower. Turn on TV. Put PJs on and figure out dinner, which usually ends up being a cheese quesadilla. Eat pickles and/or York Peppermint Patty while quesadilla is in the microwave because I'm so hungry I can't wait.

8PM-10PM, watch stuff on Tivo, do freelance Photoshop work,

10PM-12AM put on Anderson Cooper!

12AM- attempt to sleep.

2AM: Realize I have been lying in bed for 2 hours and still am not asleep. Watch an episode of either Gilmore Girls, West Wing or House that I own on DVD.

2:45AM or 3:30AM if I've watched two episodes, turn off TV and finally fall asleep.

3:45AM: wake up realizing that I forgot to turn my Blackberry to silent and my email is beeping. Curse and turn Blackberry to Quiet mode.

3:46AM: Sleep.

That's my day! What's yours?

I like him.....but:

Eharmony boy is nice, he's thoughtful and most importantly he's a good man who believes wholeheartedly in doing the right thing.

HOWEVER, the man is completely incapable of closing ANYTHING. Drawers, cabinet doors, plastic containers, bags....every time he leaves my apartment I have to go in every room closing all the things he opened in the few hours he was there.

It's DRVING. ME. CRAZY!!!

I know if that's my worst complaint, I have it pretty darn good, but I'm tired of eating stale bread because he didn't close the bag!!!!

Neighbors

My neighbors downstairs are constantly banging on the ceiling, purportedly to complain about my noise level. Though occasionally their complaint is warranted (I can think of only twice in 4 years when I felt I was being overly noisy (once being last night)), often they bang on the ceiling when I'm not making ANY noise at all. Often they bang on the ceiling literally within the first five steps I take into apartment upon coming home from work and I'm SURE I'm not making that much noise to warrant complaint, maybe a bit of floor creaking at most. A few weekends ago I was sitting on my couch, with NO music or TV on just working on my computer and they started banging. I definitely wasn't making ANY noise at that point, so I had NO idea what the deal was. I don't want to be a bad neighbor and feel legitimately bad that I was overly loud pretty late last night, but also think they could lighten up a little. I don't know any of my neighbors at all and couldn't pick them out of a line up if pressed, but still I feel bad being a nuisance to others. I guess from now on I'll just have to try harder to keep it down. I've been meaning to get rugs to cover the hardwood floors for some time now, maybe that will cushion the noise a bit and bring peace.

AN. NOYED.

I managed to get everything done on yesterday's list except the cooking of dinner for myself and Eharmony boy. We ate the cookies and bread for dinner instead. LOL. I'll cook up the chicken & broccoli for dinner for myself and tomorrow's lunch instead.

In other news I am PISSED at my bank. About a month ago I went in to the bank to deposit my check from the Gov. and got shanghaied by one of the managers who conned me into spending 40 minutes of my time signing up for the (free) on-line bill pay service. He walked me through it and it seemed pretty convenient, so I started paying all my bills using it.

I got my bills for this month and realized that NONE of the payments from last month through the online bill pay service got paid, even though the money is no longer in my account and I am PISSED. Now I have all these late charges and have to try to hunt down who has my damn money since they bank claims they paid the bills and the companies claim they never got the money! Someone BETTER find this money fast!

Back! and Busy

I'm back from my brief and extremely relaxing time upstate. I took full advantage of my 28 hours out of the city. I sat in the yard and split 2 bottles of wine with my cousin while her husband acted as our sommelier. I got to sit in the sun reading the paper with my coffee and took a lovely walk through the trails around the house in the woods.

Now I'm home and have a rare weekday off. My goals for the day are:

Go to Starbucks and get coffee

Go to the grocery store

Make Peanut Butter Cookies (and separate them to either freeze or take to work so I don’t eat them all)

Make Challah

Cook chicken and broccoli for dinner with Eharmony boy

Clean the bathroom

Take out the trash

Shower, straighten hair, paint nails

Hmm think I can fit a nap in there too somewhere?

3 Day Weekends!

I'm heading upstate to my family's house for some time out of the city. Wish me luck sitting on a train for 2 hours with an extremely painful muscle I pulled in my back last night while attempting to flip my mattresses by myself.

This bed seriously may kill me.


Safe holdiday weekends to all!!!!

Drunken Bed Moving.....

and for once I was the SOBER one.

My friend R graciously offered to come over and help me move my bed last night in time for my 3am trash pick up (yes, they pick up the trash/recycling in my neighborhood at that ungodly hour), but first she had to attend a business dinner. When she got to my place around 11 and was slightly to the left of tipsy. Normally I wouldn't have even attempted furniture moving at such a late hour, but I was desperate and had to take the help when I could get it.

When R arrived I impressed upon her the need to be as quiet as possible, but as you know telling someone who is slightly drunk to keep it down is fruitless. We got the boxspring out into the hallway fine, but apparently she didn't hear me say we were going to use the elevator, so while I let go to push the call button on the elevator, she started sliding the boxspring down the stairs. I attempted to convince her to stop and wait for the elevator, but logic wasn't really sinking in with her at this point, so down the two flights of stairs we went. Halfway down we passed a cute guy from my building, who just shook his head as us and smiled. I am sure we were quite the sight, two girls (one sober, attempting to furtively whisper directions to one drunk one in heels who would respond by yelling) carrying an unwieldy boxspring down the stairs just before midnight....somewhere there's a blog about this I'm sure. Eventually we made it down the stairs and I got her back into her waiting cab.

I'm more than thankful for the help, but it was quite an ordeal. Next time I'm going to hunt down that hottie in my building and ask him for help. Guys like that whole damsel in distress thing...right? :-P

My Faith Has Been Restored....

The right David won Idol!!!!!!!

Hurrah!

Now let's hope the 2 hour season finale of Greys is just as good!!

Idol and Beds

- Can I just say how much I DO NOT want David A to win Idol tonight. I've never been a fan of his sound or personality and though I admit he is the more attractive finalist, I think David C is the more TALENTED contestant. That said, I'm 90% sure David A will win and that I will never watch Idol again, making this my first and last year of watching.

- I have a boxspring in my house that I NEED TO GET OUT. I have a platform bed that doesn't require a boxspring but the platform part needed to be fixed so I had been sleeping on both until I could get to Home Depot for the materials. I'm thrilled its fixed, but I have a boxspring laying against my wall and it's driving me crazy. I can't get it out by myself and there are only 2 days a week I can put it on the curb and I don't know anyone here who can help me. Grrrrr. I want my bedroom back in order!

Happiness.....

Amazingly even though I'm back in the location of Friday's ugliness, I'm feeling better. My co-worker and I seem to have an understanding that we are just going to ignore eachother's existence and it's been oddly liberating.

I spent all weekend searching for answers and any kind of direction I think I want to take my life in and I came up with nothing. I've been trying to think of the things that make me happy, but aside from my dog and the fact that I love my "stuff"/home that I've created for myself I couldn't come up with much. I tried thinking of the things I'm good at, and I came up with nothing on that front either.

I'm in need of a life compass....think Target has them?

Ugh.

After a particularly volatile day at work on Friday, I was prompted to look for jobs once again. I've been sitting in front of my computer for two days now and I've come up with nothing. With basically no quantifiable skills, no clue as to even what genre of work I want to do, what place in the world I want to do it and a pretty low self esteem, I'm feeling lost and stuck and pretty much like a big loser.

I'm going to step away from the computer for the rest of the evening, eat the last piece of the birthday cake Eharmony boy brought me and watch my latest Netflix pick, Juno.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day....

A Get Back In Bed Day

After two nights of too much drinking and too little sleeping, I was absolutely exhausted this morning when my alarm went off. It was rainy and gross outside and I couldn't even be bothered with real clothes, so I put on my black velour "outfit" (I use that term very loosely) and headed to work. Thankfully I work in a super casual office so wearing PJs to work isn't all that uncommon. In dire need of caffeine, I stopped by Starbucks for coffee and a muffin. I'm a frequent customer at the local Starbucks and I know the drill, order at the register, pick up at the bar. I ordered my grande vanilla iced coffee and my berry crisp muffin and paid for it...and then LEFT. WITHOUT PICKING UP MY COFFEE! I got halfway down the block with only my muffin in my hand before I realized I had left my coffee on the bar. I was afraid to go back because if I just walked in from the street and took my drink off the bar, they would think I was just some random street person stealing coffee (and of course I didn't get a receipt). In my desperation, that is exactly what I did....I went back in and took my drink off the counter and ran.

I really need to start my mornings with a pre-leaving the house cup of coffee....I really just should not be let out of the house pre-caffeinated. Someone could get hurt.

Debt FREE...yes...again.

I know we went through this before, but after that I went a little crazy and bought a gorgeous new bedroom set and put myself in debt yet a second time, but once again....

I AM DEBT FREE!!!

I'm planning on being wise this time and actually SAVING money before spending it, so I plan on saving up for my trip to Morocco in October. With 5 months until then I'm confident I can save up most of what I need and I won't go into debt again after. YIPPEE for being fiscally responsible!

He used The Word.....

In conversation the other day Eharmony boy referred to me as his girlfriend.

I very nearly passed out. In my life that's not a word that gets used. I've never had anyone use that word to describe me and it threw me for a loop. It's not a word I'm very comfortable with and even though I know he meant it more in the "girl I'm currently seeing" way and that he is no way pressuring me, it weirded me out to hear myself described that way. We've talked about where we are at, and he knows I'm a total commitment phobe and he has never asked anything more of me than I was comfortable with, but hearing that term just.....really threw me off.

Eharmony boy is a dream boyfriend...he says all the right things, does the right things, he's courteous and in general just a good man. I just don't know how I feel about him.....something just seems to be missing, but I can't pinpoint it. Is it chemistry that's missing or is it that he's so easy to be with that the drama and anxiety are missing and that's why it feels odd? I suppose this is why you date and as long as everyone is on the same page, which we are, it's ok to have these feelings, but I have to say the terminology (though I do admit has been something I have longed to hear at least once in my life) is FREAKING ME OUT!

Birthday Week ROCKS!!!!

My birthday has been fabulous thus far! I got SO many lovely birthday wishes through here, email and Facebook that made me feel very loved! My presents from my family got delayed in the mail and I'm not celebrating with Eharmony boy until Friday, so I was a little worried I wouldn't have anything on my actual birthday, but everyone's thoughts and comments made me feel great, as did the gorgeous orchids I got from my friend Beth and the $600 check from the government that randomly also came in the mail today!

Tonight I'm having soft pretzles for dinner, along with my YUMMY cupcake from Subtle Tea
and my bottle of champagne for dessert! Talk about a perfect meal!!

Thanks again for all the birthday wishes. I love you guys!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

To me!!!!!!!!!!

It's Birthday Week!

Sadly I don't have much planned for birthday week....tomorrow is my actual birthday, but aside from plans to buy myself a cupcake and a bottle of champagne...I have no celebrations planned. Wednesday night I have to go to a big concert for work and Friday Eharmony boy is coming over. Not a wild week really, but a good way to ring in the big 2-9!

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mothers Day to Moms and Pet Moms Everywhere!


Here's hoping Amazon.com didn't lose your mother's day presents for your moms like it did for mine!

What do you do?

I have always envied those people who went to college for something with a purpose. I'll be 29 in five days and I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I "grow up".

I think back to those final years in high school when all of a sudden you were expected to decide what you wanted your job to be for the foreseeable future. After 17 years of childhood, in a flash you were supposed to make this huge grown-up decisions. I had never held a job or interned anywhere, I had no idea of the spectrum of careers that were even options to me and here I was filling out forms asking me to declare a major. With no other ideas or experience, I chose theatre lighting design. I had worked on some community theatre productions and figured it was as good a major as any. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Don't get me wrong, the University of Illinois theatre program is difficult. The classwork and practical experience combined hours are intense and our projects were actual, realized performances. As I used to like to say, "People pay for tickets to see our HOMEWORK". Not many other majors can say that. The coursework is intense, but the education is very specific. If you don't end up wanting to be a theatre lighting designer, there is very little else you can do with that degree. Late in my last year of school, I realized that I did not in fact want to be a theatre lighting designer and I felt lost. I had no skills to do anything else, no energy to start over and very little guidance. I fell into a deep depression and though I had a perfect academic standing, I dropped out of school.

I was fortunate to get an interim position doing event planning at the University after I dropped out. I enjoyed my two years in the position and it was the first time I truly felt good at what I was doing. The balance of creative aspects and analytical skills appealed to me and I found the transition from being a student to employee effortless. I got myself in a better mental place and eventually finished my degree in summer school. At the end of my two years though my position was up and there was no longer a place for me. At the time I was also suffering through some difficult times in my person life and in the end was forced to make some choices that I will regret for the rest of my life. I was once again at a very low point in my life and I felt like I had no opportunities. I tried to find other event planning work, but my resume wasn't yielding any results. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life or even where I wanted to live. After months with no work, and several failed attempts at following through with plans. I packed my things and moved to NY. I say "moved" but I think what I really did was escape. The physical place and mental state I was in was toxic and I needed out. After a rough year I found a job in entertainment law and for the past 4 years I've been ok. I don't love my job, I don't loathe it. The pay is decent, but not exceptional. The hours are long, but the actual work is pretty easy and doesn't require much thinking. I'm stuck in the mediocre. I want to do something else, but I find myself at the same impasse I was in at 17. What do I want to do and where do I want to do it? Aside from a new zip code, 12 years hasn't gained me much. I know I don't want to stay in legal work, I've been applying to event planning jobs, but haven't gotten even a callback, and truth be told I don't know if I want to go back to that work because it's my passion or because I want to go back to the life I knew before I altered my conscious. I have been seriously considering photo editing, but I lack the skills for even an entry level position and have so far been able to find information or guidance on the education or background I need to break into the industry.

I feel myself slipping into bad thought patterns. I feel that sense of being lost creeping up on me and I feel powerless against it. My job history is too jagged, my skill set too narrow. I don't want to go through life wandering endlessly and would like to have a job I felt proud of and passionate about, but lack the ability to achieve it.

I am afraid I will never have an answer to life's most frequent small-talk question: "What do you do?"

The Worst Feeling

Yesterday I had to do some research for work that meant going into my rarely-accessed file cabinets that are in a remote corner of my office, separated by the desks by a 1/2 wall. I was sitting on the floor reading my files and I guess my coworkers I share a space with hadn't noticed me go back there and the they started talking about me and saying terrible things. Once I realized what was happening, I stood up and just closed the drawers and carried on with my work. I have an odd relationship with my coworkers, sometimes we are super friendly and hanging out outside of work and other times it's very strained. Now, though, after hearing people talk about you in a certain way it's hard to go back to being friendly and it's taking everything I have to even be professional.

Practically I know that everyone talks about everyone and I'm sure I've done the same, but it doesn't change the fact that it sucks to hear people talk about you and the whole thing has me majorly bummed out.

Sigh.

Where I Get My Thoughts on Current Events Out

I don't usually blog about celebrities, politics or current events, but there's some stuff I just have to get out!

Tom Cruise: Can we please give this guy (and his family) a break! Yes he has said some DUMB things in the past year, but he did apologize for them (both on Oprah and directly to the people involved). Not to mention I feel its terribly hurtful to speculate that someone's marriage and even child aren't real. I do admit that people in Hollywood get married for publicity reasons, but at any rate I feel it's disrespectful to speculate on ANYONE'S marriage. In the case of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes I feel terrible that people say things about their relationship and especially the things that have been said about their child!

The Election: Yes, like many, I am suffering from election fatigue, but to those pundits calling for Hilary's resignation because "people are tired of the election", this REALLY rubs me the wrong way. Calling for the removal of a candidate for the sole purpose of "just ending it already" infuriates me. The theory is that democrats are tired of the democratic race, so they are jumping ship and supporting McCain. I find this theory ridiculous. Switching party support isn't going to shorten this race any. Not to mention I am all for letting voters get to choose who they want to vote for. By taking candidates out of the race, you are removing their choices. I, for one, would like to cast a vote for a person I believed in, no matter if they had a shot at winning or not, at least I have the peace of mind that I got to vote for the person I believed in.

The Michigan/Florida votes: I get that the DNC wanted to punish these states for moving their races, but again, it infuriates me that the punishment was not counting the votes of the voters! How can this be constitutional? (and yes, for you cynics I would be saying this whether or not it was Clinton OR Obama who needed the votes...my upset isn't about who needs the votes, it's about the principle).

Ok now back to blogging about my weekend...which was full of excitement...bought a new wireless printer and a new hard drive so I spent the weekend printing random things (just because I could) and backing up my computer. Yes, goodtimes were had by all.

Wow.

A HUGE thank you to the guy walking behind me on Madison Avenue tonight who saw me drop $40 and who ran to catch up to me so he could return it. Thanks for making me feel better about humanity today.

I promise to pay the favor forward some day.

Healing

Slowly, but surely, I am healing. Throwing myself into my new website and photography has definitely helped keep my focus on myself and away from my the sadness I feel over my ended relationship. No matter how busy I keep myself though, I just can't shake the feeling that I lost my best friend. That loss is going to take a bit longer to get over I suppose.

Until then I'll just keep playing with Photoshop.

It's over.

for good this time.

I don't know if I can heal a second time.

Do Men Do This Too?

As I go through life, there is one observation that astounds me more than anything else; women will put up with almost anything in order to stay in a relationship.

I won't say that I haven't done the same thing at times in my life. I've put up with cheating, ambiguous relationship definitions (various forms of friends with benefits) and mis-treatment all for the dregs of affection the man in question was willing to send my way. The "something is better than nothing" mentality coupled with the "I don't deserve better" school of thought has definitely been my downfall. I'm getting better at it, but I fully acknowledge I have a long way to go.

It's not just me that suffers from this affliction though. I am surrounded by women who do the exact same thing to varying degrees. I have a co-worker recounts almost daily the tales of her struggles with her boyfriend of 3 years. I thought the final straw was last weekend when he invited her to his birthday party, only to have him never show up. After 4 hours of waiting, she decides to leave and on her way out the door, she is confronted by a woman who turns out to be the mother of one of his two children who informs my co-worker that she has been dating the guy for nearly 4 years and they are living together. He has been cheating the ENTIRE TIME on them both. She claimed to be done with him and the drama, and even though I've heard it before, I truly believed she was going to move on. This morning she comes to work and tells me they are hanging out again! I couldn't even speak! There are only so many times you can tell your friends they are making bad choices before you just have to let them learn on their own.

I find this pattern all too common with women. I've know women who stay after being hit, stay after multiple infidelities, stay after too many "I'm sorrys". At what age do we learn that we need a man, even a crappy one, to be complete? Do men go around thinking their lives aren't whole if they don't have a wife? Why do we wait until the man decides he's had enough and breaks it off instead of standing up for ourselves and saying we deserve better and moving on?

I know I'm a hypocrite for writing this and for judging my co-worker. We all have our own breaking points and things we are willing to sacrifice for what we think is love. I know it's not black and white, but I also think it's not the many shades of grey we think it is. Love isn't bruises, cheating, indifference, cruelty or lying. Why do so many women, myself included, think it is?

I can finally breathe again!

My cold is finally subsiding. I'm still a little congested, but my voice is back to normal and my energy level is returning.

I'm working on a new photography site for my photos. It's not up and running yet, but hopefully I'll have something up this week to show you.

HAPPY 29th Birthday to my friend Aaron. I can't believe we are this close to 30 now....ugh.

Spring! and Earthquakes

It's a gorgeous day out (I've heard anyway...I'm stuck inside at work) and New York as a whole seems to be in a better mood. The winter blahs have left and people are out celebrating. It's a sea of tank tops and flip flops outside and I hope to escape for a bit during my brief lunch break to see the sun for myself.

This cold is really kicking me in the butt. I will most likely be spending my weekend in bed trying to sleep it off which sucks. It's the first warm weekend we've had in months and I'm going to miss it!! Grrrr.

In unrelated news, there was an earthquake in IL this morning!!! Scary! Family over there is fine, aside from some broken items, but I'm not sure the dog will get over it...Explaining seismic activity to an Irish Setter is not an easy task.

Sick

Eharmony boy brought me some hospital germs (he's a nurse) and I now have a nasty cold!

I finally find a guy willing to share his life with me and this is what I get. Great.

:-P

Behind on Life

I have a HUGE respect for people who go to school and work full time. I've only been taking a few classes here and there, but I'm amazed at how easy it is to fall behind with life. My apartment is a disaster, I desperately need to go to the grocery store and the mail is piling up! Hopefully I can catch up this weekend, though I'm supposed to have a date with Eharmony boy on Sunday. I just need a solid weekend with no plans to catch up on everything!

My classes this past weekend went well. Though I suffered major mental fatigue by the end of Sunday's session, I did learn a lot and discovered some features of my camera I never would have known about otherwise, so it was well worth the time. I'm considering seeing what classes I need to take in order to have a career in photo retouching, but I'm not sure it's feasible. I don't want to do school full time and I think I would need years of training in order to do it professionally.

This whole life thing....it's HARD....

Class #1

I signed up for a series of photography classes recently. I had my first class in Photoshop last night and it went well. I didn't realize how much I actually learned until I got home and started playing around with it myself. I'm glad I took really good notes. My next class is Sunday and that one is on digital photography and camera settings.

Even though I learned a lot and liked my instructor, I couldn't stand my classmates! There was a group of people from a company who wanted to learn how to do very specific/advanced things (so advanced my instructor didn't even know how to do them!) and it was an INTRO course. When my instructor tried to move on with class (nicely telling them she would look up the information on how to do what they wanted and email it to them after class) one of them got VERY rude and abrasive. Finally the British woman next to me asked a diversionary question and we got back on track. Hopefully the people in my Sunday class will be nicer and more in keeping with the course level.

It definitely feels nice to cross something on my life to-do list off! Photoshop knowledge, CHECK!

Things I want to accomplish before I die - UPDATED

It's time to update my life to do list! I can actually cross some things off!!!

Have a dog
Own a car
Snowboard
Experience love
Own my own home
Learn another language
Lose 30 lbs
Eat dinner in a restaurant alone
Redecorate my bedroom
Do a mosaic with the glassware I got when my grandmother died
Sell one of my photographs
Bake bread from scratch not using a breadmaker
Learn Photoshop
Learn to rollerblade/ice-skate backwards
Keep a wine journal
Learn how to start a fire in a fireplace
Eat a fancy meal that costs more than $150
Live in New York

Places to Visit:
New Mexico (twice)
Toronto (want to go again)
Seattle
London
Paris – going in March 2009
Thailand
New Zealand

Morocco – going in October 2008

Los Angeles (twice)

Aruba

Mexico

Boston

Washington DC

Rhode Island

I didn't mean to neglect you!

You would think that my blog neglection would mean that I was living a crazy, busy exciting life, but sadly it's just not true. Not much going on in the life of Kai these days. I made dinner for Eharmony boy on Friday. I made Chicken Parmesan and it turned out SO GOOD. I've been eating leftovers for days. SO GOOD.

Tomorrow night I have the first in a series of photography classes I signed up for. This one is Photoshop for Photographers. I don't usually use Photoshop much to alter my photos so I'm looking forward to seeing what tricks I can learn.

I watched A Prairie Home Companion this weekend. VERY disappointing. My Netflix choices have been terrible lately. I have really been picking some duds lately! This week's choice is Love in the Time of Cholera. Loved the book, so we'll see if I like the movie. Anyone seen it?

Trip Planning....

I've been feeling the itch lately to take a big trip this year. I'll be going to Mexico in June, but that is more of a beachy (parentally-funded) relaxing trip and I'm looking for something a little different. I've been doing some research and I am seriously considering Morocco. I'm a little concerned about the danger aspect and I would hopefully find someone to go with me, as it's not the best place for a woman to travel alone (though it can be done), but I'm definitely thinking about trying to plan a trip for early Fall.

Anyone been there or know anyone who has gone?? Am I crazy for wanting to go there? If so, any other suggestions for places to go? I've already done England, Aruba, Canada, Mexico, am going to France and possibly Italy next year and I was looking for a trip more....rugged? I'm not sure what the right word is....less...modern maybe? Just somewhere totally different from anything I've seen before.

Seen in the newspaper this morning

an ad for the New York Sports Club

$29 to join!
*that's about $79,971 less than Spitzer's "workout" budget

CRACKS ME UP!

Some Days

There are some days I find myself looking at my life and wondering if this is it for me.

So many aspects of my life are wonderful. I've created a home filled with books and art and knowledge. I have a comfy bed. I have great friends. I have a decent job. I live in an exciting city and have traveled all over the world. I wish that was enough for me, I wish I appreciated it more and felt fulfilled by it all, but I don't.

My independence is one of the foundations of my personality. I've always found it hard to relate to other people and have strong bonds. I don't know it if comes from being adopted or if its just inherent to who I am, but relationships of all forms have always been difficult for me. I doubt my capability to be a good friend, sister, daughter and of course girlfriend.

I haven't dealt with the Eharmony Boy/Tennis Guy situation at all. Tennis Guy and I are still discussing where we stand and I've been up front with him about Eharmony Boy. I've told Eharmony Boy I want to slow down but not because there's someone else....mostly because I'm not sure if there is someone else. 6 months apart didn't make the problems Tennis Guy and I had before go away. We both acknowledge that we need some time to talk them through, but unfortunately our schedules don't allow for much, if any together time. Right now the soonest I may see him is in 5 months and I'm truly not sure if I have it in me to wait.

The bigger question is though, "Am I capable of relationships in general?". I am fiercely independent. I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with anyone. I don't handle obligation or expectations well at all. I'm afraid I lack the tools to love.

I'm not sure how one reconciles a feeling of loneliness, with an inability to love. I wish I didn't care. I wish I accepted that my nature may mean that I'm not going to have the "typical" life that many other people have.

I wish I just accepted that my life is full and happy the way it is. I have Tivo. What more can I ask for?

Work Games...

There's a guy we deal with at work who is EXTREMELY chatty. He's a sweet guy, but if you get on the phone with him, he will tell you his entire life story. For example, yesterday he called me and told me (in detail, starting with the GROWING OF THE TOMATOES) all about what he had for dinner. In general people try to avoid his calls, but it's not always possible. It's become habit for us to transfer his calls around the office to other people.

In a fit of pure genius I came up with the Eddie (not his real name) Drinking Game. Here are the rules.

1) If you try to pass Eddie's call onto another person, but they refuse to take the call, then they own you a drink.

2) If you take the call, but are able to get off the phone in under 90 seconds, then the person who transfered the call to you also owes you a drink.

So far only ONE person has been able to get a drink under rule 2 and it wasn't me! In fact it's ME who owes that person a drink!

It's a great game and almost everyone in the building is playing. There is a LOT of drinking going on under rule 1 let me tell you.

whhhhughhhhh

Tequila kicked my ass last night.

'nough said.

Lessons....

Don't google the new guy at work's name unless you REALLY want to know everything about him.......

and uh also don't forward what you did find to all your coworkers so they can laugh too....and um the executives.

Take your crazy videos OFF Youtube if you are job hunting people!

Nothing to do with Easter...

Black satin (aka slippery) underwear and a pair of drawstring pants that are too big since I’ve lost weight do not make a good combo. I waited too long between trips to the laundromat and that was all I had left to wear when I did laundry tonight. When I bent down to take my clothes out of the dryer the guy behind me whistled.

I really need my own washing machine.

Update...

He's back. Everything feels right again.

and I'm currently ignoring the fact that I have to do something about Eharmony boy.

The Absence of Pickles

wow that could mean a LOT of things...but in this case I mean it literally.

I took my weekly trip to my local grocery store this afternoon. I needed a few essentials, bread, cheese, chocolate...and pickles. I was able to get everything on my list, except the pickles. There were NONE in the store. The shelf where they usually are had an extensive selection of relish, but no pickles. I searched the entire store and they were nowhere to be found! It's a pickle mystery!

Stand by Your Man?

Yesterday news broke regarding the NY Governor/Prostitution scandal and being the news addict I am, I've been watching the coverage endlessly. As I watched his wife stand next to him during his press conference announcement, I was reminded by how many politician's wives I've seen stand by their men during announcements such as these. There was the NJ governor who announced he was gay....and his wife appeared with him during the press conference and of course Hilary standing by Bill during his own announcement.

Now I'm certainly not a politician and I've never been married, so I fully admit, I'm no expert on either politics or marriage, but as an outsider, I can say that as a woman, I find it offensive when these wives stand next to their men during these announcements. It has nothing to do with them staying together (as far as I'm concerned that's a private family matter to be worked out between the couple), but I feel like these wives who attend and support their men during the announcement of his wrong doing are in a way sending the message to other women that it's ok if your men cheats/lies etc. I find it makes the woman look foolish and even says to the world that his priorities are more important than her own and her family.

Any thoughts?

Sometimes I wonder......

how long it will be before I stop waiting for him and get over it.

Which kind are you?

I live in NYC and see hundreds of people daily. As the weather has been unseasonably warm, I'm noticing that people seem to fall in 3 distinct categories of dress. Which type are you?

1) The people who dress according to the temperature. These people check the weather daily and wear their lighter coats and jackets, even though it may be February and SHOULD be cold.

2) The people who dress according to the date. These people will be seen wearing their hats, gloves, scarves and heavy winter coats, even when the temp is to be in the 60s, just because it's early March and to them Early March=COLD.

3). The over-reacters. These are the people wearing shorts, tank tops and no coat, just because they heard it was supposed to be "warm" and they are tired of their winter clothes.

Interestingly, I fall into category one while in NYC, but for some reason when traveling to LA and other warm climates in the Winter months, I find myself unable to dress appropriately. I always bring clothes that are MUCH too heavy for the weather out there, so I find myself being a category two when I travel.

I truly have no understanding of men. After 3 and a half months with virtually no contact TG sent me an email that said "I miss you". I responded saying that I too missed him and that I've been thinking lately that I miss having people in my life who inspire me and challenge me and that he certainly is one of those people.

And now 4 days have gone by and no response.

I guess a part of me thought that this was a tiny glimmer of hope that he missed dating me, but as the days go on I'm realizing that he missed only the option of talking to me. After our break up I asked him not to contact me again and I can only surmise that he missed having the friend option on the table. Once I responded and opened up the option of him talking to me again, he got what he wanted and promptly went back into hiding.

I feel broken up with all over again. Practically, I know that I'm fine, that I have a good full life without him, but for now, I can't help but be a little sad again.

It's 60 degrees in NY!

- It's 60 degrees out today! It was very odd to walk out of the house with just a light jacket after the past few weeks of wearing a winter coat. Could it be that Spring is just around the corner???!

- My boy life is a little wacky these days....Eharmony boy seems to be wanting to get a little more serious than I'd like (though he is very understanding when I tell him I need more time) and with the recent "I miss you" email from Tennis Guy, I'm even more confused. I don't think (though truthfully a part of me does hope) that Tennis Guy is looking to get back together, but the whole situation has just reminded me that I'm not really healed from that relationship and probably shouldn't be in another one with someone else right now. I need some time to just sort things out and figure all this out.

- I am almost finished reading "Eat Pray Love"....it was good, but I'm not sure it really lived up to all the hype. There were definitely passages that will stick with me though, so maybe it's one of those books where you don't realize its impact until it sinks in. I'm not sure what I'll read next....I have a book on the unfairness of the election process and one about the Supreme Court that I've been wanting to read. Maybe I'll start on the election book, though I have to admit I'm election coveraged out these days. I doubt that will keep me from being glued to the TV tonight waiting for the results of today's primaries thought. I'm a CNN junkie!

Be Careful What You Wish For.....

I made a joke in early January to my co-workers about 2008 being the year of recycling. I was going green and recycling everything, plastic, metal, paper even men!

The cosmos apparently heard me and brought me back Eharmony Boy.....

and now, after more than 3 months Tennis Guy has contact me again.

I was joking people! I didn't REALLY mean I wanted to recycle men this year! I'm all for "going green" but seriously.

The Reason I'm Still Single

My dad wears Brut cologne. He puts it on right before he leaves the house. The last thing he does before leaving for work is say goodbye to my dog and give her a belly rub. When I lived at home she used to come back upstairs after he left and get back in bed with me, smelling just like my dad.

Today I was on the train and and was next to an attractive guy who was wearing Brut. I smiled at the memory of my dad and the guy must have thought I was smiling at him and said hello to me. In the split second I had to reply before my stop on the train, I responded with the first thing that came to mind.....

"Oh sorry, you remind me of how my dog smells."

And I wonder why I can't get dates.....

Dinner

Making dinner for Eharmony Boy went very well. The chicken turned out fabulous! That's definitely a recipe I'll add to my collection. Who knew orange juice, soy sauce and sugar would make such a FABULOUS combination?!

We finally talked more about what happened last year which made me feel better and took a bit of the awkwardness away from everything. I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about him, but he seems open to going slow so we shall see.

I think my confusion about my feelings stems from my comparing my relationship with Eharmony Boy to Tennis Guy. With Tennis Guy there was this intense passion right off the bat, but with Eharmony Boy it's been a very different path. We have chemistry, it's just different. Hopefully now that we are both at peace with our last attempt at dating, we can start anew.

He still didn't come right out and say he was my Valentines Secret admirer, but I'm pretty sure it was him. Mystery (almost) solved!

Dinner!

I'm making dinner for Eharmony Boy on Saturday. I tried out a recipe tonight that I'm thinking of making and it was pretty good. I want to make a dessert, but he's not big on sweets, so I'm not sure what to make. Any suggestions??

Here's the recipe. I based it on a few recipes I found online, the main one being from Emeril on the Food Network site.

Orange-Soy Glazed Chicken
1 cup freshly squeezed orange juice (I used simply orange juice since I had it on hand)
1/4 cup soy sauce
1/2 cup sugar (I used none in the marinate and much less than this in my glaze)
2 teaspoons orange zest
4 boneless chicken breasts

Set a 1 quart saucepan over medium high heat and add the OJ, soy sauce, sugar and zest. Bring to a boil, lower heat to a simmer and cook until reduced to about 3/4 cup (approximately 20 minutes). Remove from heat and pour over chicken breasts. Refridgerate for 2 hours. Emeril said to grill it, which I did tonight, but I think for my Eharmony dinner I'm going to marinade then bake it and then make some extra marinade thickened with cornstarch to pour over when I serve.

Wish me luck!

Murphy's Law of Smoke Detectors

Smoke detector batteries will always die in the middle of the night, thereby causing you to stand precariously on a chair half awake in an attempt to dismantle the batteries in order to stop the incessant squeeeping.

You may remember my last debacle with this issue and the one before that.

Score: Smoke Detector 2, Kai 1.

Can someone tell me WHY...

Why WHY is the I Can't Believe it's Not Butter spray bottle, the exact same size and shape as the Wishbone Salad Dressing Spritzer bottle? In my pre-caffeine, hasty breakfast assembly I mistakenly sprayed my bagel with Italian dressing instead of butter.

Let me tell you it was quite a shock this morning when I got to work and took a bite of my breakfast.

And the secret admirer was.....

I haven't officially confirmed the identity of my secret admirer, but I think it was actually Eharmony boy! If it was him, it was incredibly sweet, as he lives almost an hour away from me. I promised you guys the update on what was going on so here it is.

For those of you who are new, here's a bit of a recap:

Just over a year ago I met a guy on Eharmony, we ended up meeting and had 3 amazing dates and then he left for a 5 week vacation. Upon his return from his vacation he called me and told me that he was very sorry, but he had fallen in love with his tour guide on his trip and he couldn't see me anymore. We parted ways fairly amicably and aside from the occasional email, we didn't really stay in touch.

This year on New Year's Eve I got a mysterious text message that just said "Happy New Year Kai" I had no idea who it was and it turned out to be Eharmony boy (I had deleted his number from my phone which is why I hadn't recognized it). He and I texted back and forth for a month and then had a Superbowl date that was nice, but a little awkward. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I know I really liked him a lot a year ago when we were dating, but things seem different now. Everyone once in awhile though I see the part of him I liked before though, so maybe its just taking me some time. I normally hate the "dating" stage but with him I like it. It's giving me time to figure out what I want and there's no pressure or angst.

Time will tell!

I have a secret admirer....and I bought new furniture!

This morning when I opened the door of my apartment to leave there was a bear holding a rose that said "To Kai from your secret admirer"!!! I have NO idea who it was.....and it's been driving me nuts all day! I keep thinking it might be Eharmony boy, but he doesn't seem the romantic type really...there aren't that many people who know where I live so it's a mystery!

In other news, I broke down and bought myself an entire bedroom set today. I feel guilty for spending all that money on a whim, but I've never really had bedroom furniture and I've always hated how my bedroom wasn't put together at all. I finally came across something that I really liked, was affordable, delivered (and assembled) for a very reasonable fee (and on a Saturday!) and so I just took the plunge. Happy Valentine's Day to me!

Why WHY do clothing companies do this to women....

After nearly a lifetime of looking for the perfect pair of jeans, that weren't too tight, were the right length, didn't do the "muffin top" thing and weren't a ridiculously low rise, I finally found them at the Lucky Brand Store. After a year of wear, they were starting to look a little worn out, so I went online and bought a new pair....and they CHANGED! My size is still the same, but the rise is incredibly low! I thought for sure they sent the wrong ones, but alas they were the right ones. I browsed the website again and they claim that is their highest rise! WHO on earth is wearing these jeans??!! I suppose that store is more geared towards the younger demographic, but as someone under 30 who wears jeans to work on a daily basis, I'm at a loss where to find appropriate jeans now that don't cost hundreds of dollars. Most of the popular brands of jeans (Paige Premium, Diesel, Baby Phat, etc.) don't make them big enough (I'm usually a 14, sometimes a 12, sometimes a 16).....what's a girl to do???

Karmic Justice

24 hours ago I was in a pool wearing a bathing suit.

Now I'm home....and it's snowing.

Don't hate me....

but I'm sitting at the pool at the Four Seasons with two co-workers.....on a Monday. In February.

Life truly does NOT get much better than this.

Greetings from......

LA!

I'm out here for the Grammys and I am SO loving this weather. It was in the 30s I think when I left NY and 6 and a half hours later I was here and it was 79 degrees!

I've done this NY-LA flight before and the 6.5 hours is ROUGH. The first two hours I mess around on my computer until the battery dies. the second two, two and a half hours I watch tv shows on my iPod until that battery dies and then I'm left with another TWO hours with nothing to do! I tried reading, but I have trouble reading books on planes for some reason. I can only read 20 pages or so at a time before I get antsy.

At least I won't have that problem on the way home....I have the red-eye. Hopefully I'll be sleeping the entire time.

Sorry to everyone who is in a cold and snowy place! In a few days I'll be back suffering with you, but until then....pass the sunscreen!

Let's play a game....

Where in the world will I be flying this weekend?

Clues:
I've been there before (and blogged about it) and it's NOT Chicago.

Submit your guesses now!

This is NOT Good Customer Service

I got a new credit card in the mail with a little sticker on it with activation instructions, It said this:

"To activate and use this card call 1-800-XXX-XXXX from your home phone, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week"

Easy right? So I finally get home from work around 10pm, open my mail and dial the number up to activate it, only to hear....

"Thank you for calling XXXXX, our hours of operation are from 9am-9pm Eastern Standard Time. Please call back during our normal business hours"

Um...how is that being open 24 hours a day????

Sigh.

A Winter Cold

I've had a nasty cold this entire week.....and I have now hit the point that I don't even remember what it's like to breathe normally. A life without tissues, Nyquill and pillows propping me up a night is merely a dream.

In other news....Eharmony boy is coming over to watch the Superbowl on Sunday....more on how that all happened later...once the post-nasal drip and Nyquill induced haze has subsided.

It was supposed to get easier.....

It's been months since Tennis Guy ended things. The newness of the pain had subsided and slowly I started to get used to the idea of dating again. I still missed him, but it was getting easier.

Until tonight. I accidentally stumbled upon his blog. I was cleaning up old bookmarks and clicked on the link before deleting it. He's dating someone....and it all hurts again. Everyone I dates moves on and gets a new person so easily. I get nobody.

Sigh.

Personal Day

I woke up this morning feeling kind of icky, I hadn't been feeling well last night and I knew I needed a few more hours of sleep to shake off the ickiness and prevent it from turning into the flu. I emailed work and told them I was taking a 1/2 day and caught up on my sleep.

I'm up now and comfy on the couch with Tivo....I feel better, but I have NO desire to get dressed and out the door to work. I'm thinking about being bad and taking the whole day off. The thought of being able to get stuff done around the house and staying in my Pjs is just too tempting.

I guess that's what they give you personal days for!

Girls Night In

I had some girls over for wine and fondue last night and it was a great time. We watched the Giants win in OT and had a great time laughing and joking around. See for yourself!

Anyone know any good disquises?

The kind ladies at The Active Academic have allowed (non-academic) me to join their fitness challenge. I've had my ups and downs this month, but finding out that they built a brand new branch of the New York Sports Club in my neighborhood has been very motivating and I was hoping that having a gym so close would be the answer to my work-out woes.

I've been going to the new gym regularly and was really loving it....until last night.

As this gym is less than a month old, I haven't gotten the layout down yet. Last night I forgot my water bottle so I had to do my workout sans hydration. After I was done I hunted around for the water fountain. After I got my drink I headed back to what I thought was the women's locker room....

except it wasn't. I had wandered into the MEN'S locker room! I was SO embarrassed (as were the men I walked in on I'm sure!) and now I'm scared to go back!!

Maybe I should pull a Britney and go back, but wear a wig.....

I DID IT!!!!!!

As of today I am completely free and clear of ALL debt. I'd been carrying a balance on my credit card for awhile now and I finally paid every single cent off!

HURRAH!!!!

Meet the Newest Member of the Kai Family.....

His name is Sony and he makes me want to come home every night to him.

I Made Brussels Sprouts...and Ate Them!

I finally got a chance to try out the Brussels Sprout recipe I found at Cleaner Plate Club
who found it here. I was pleasantly surprised to find myself eating brussels sprouts and will probably make this again. The hardest part is remembering to save some wine for this recipe! Here it is for your enjoyment!

Hashed Brussels Sprouts with Poppy Seeds and Lemon
Inspired by The Union Square Café Cookbook

About 1 ¼ lbs Brussels sprouts
1 ½ Tbs fresh lemon juice
2 Tbs olive oil
1 medium garlic clove, minced
1 Tbs poppy seeds
¼ cup white wine
¼ tsp salt

Cut the stems from the Brussels sprouts and remove any blemished leaves. When all the sprouts are trimmed, you should be left with about 1 pound total. Halve each sprout lengthwise, and slice each half into thin slices, about 1/8 inch thick; or, alternatively, hash them in a food processor fitted with the slicing disc attachment.

In a large bowl, toss the hashed Brussels sprouts with the lemon juice.

In a large skillet or sauté pan, warm the olive oil over high heat, almost to the smoking point. Stir in the hashed sprouts, garlic, and poppy seeds. Add the wine, and cook for about 3-4 minutes, stirring constantly, until the sprouts are bright green and lightly softened but still barely crunchy. Reduce the heat to low, season with salt, and cook for 1 minute more. Remove the pan from the heat, and serve.

Yield: About 4-6 servings.

Yum Yum!

Just made this chicken and broccoli recipe tonight and it was SO good (and easy!). I think I got it from Real Simple Magazine, but I'm not sure.

Chicken and Broccoli
3 -4 chicken breasts
1 crown of broccoli
3 tablespoons brown sugar
1/4 cup sesame oil
1/4 cup soy sauce
1 tsp grated ginger
olive oil

Cut chicken into strips. Heat in pan with a little olive oil. Cook until chicken is done. Drain any excess oil from pan.

Combine brown sugar, sesame oil, soy sauce and ginger in bowl, whisk to combine.

Add sauce and broccoli into the pan with the chicken and heat until broccoli is tender.

Serve over rice.

This was SO yummy, fast and used ingredients I almost always have on hand. I'll definitely make this again, especially on those nights when I'm craving takeout.

Back in NY

and it's a minor miracle. Yesterday there was quite a blizzard in Chicago and tons of flights were canceled and delayed, but amazingly my flight to NY was on time. Earlier flights to NY were canceled/delayed, but mine left on time. My luggage even made it safely to NY. Travel karma was SO on my side.

My holiday was good, got lots of books, clothes and one of those fancy digital photo frames that is really cool. I also cashed in a gift certificate and bought myself the first season of House and then promptly spent the next two days indulging myself with a Hugh Laurie marathon.

Now that I've gotten my relaxing in, it's time to start on the errands and chores I want to get done before the new year. My last days off will be spent bill paying, filing, shredding, closet cleaning/purging and organizing. I also hope to try out some new recipes as well.

What were everyone's favorite holiday presents?

Season's Greetings!

I can't believe my holiday break is half over. I'm heading back to Chicago from my parents house tomorrow to spend the night with friends and will fly back to NY Friday afternoon. After a 4 day weekend at home I'll return to work on Wednesday.

So far I've spent my break with my family, eating too much, working out too little and watching tons of movies. In the last 3 days I've watched the Godfather parts 1 & 2 (again), Little Miss Sunshine and Walk the Line. I also re-read book 7 of Harry Potter. My time here has been a good mix of old traditions and new, but for some reason this year I've been more aware of how fragile time is and how (nearly) all traditions eventually end or change. I'm trying to learn to enjoy things while I have them. A good lesson for us all in 2008

I hope Santa was good to you all. Let the post-holiday fast begin!