Comedy of Errors: Advice Needed

I have found myself in a bit of a pickle and need some advice from my blog readers.

About a year ago I joined an online forum. I was an active member and posted often, but after a few months the drama and stupidity of some of the members got to me and I deleted my account. Recently during a case of bad insomnia I rejoined under another name, but purposely choose not to include details about myself, as I wanted to remain more anonymous this time and hopefully avoid the Internet trolls. I didn't disclose my location and listed my profession as photographer instead of law.

I've been posting quite a bit lately back and forth with another member on a variety of topics. Last night one of his posts included a reference to his location, and since it was NYC I decided to click on his profile and see if he was hot (LOL...just being honest!). His profile photo was a picture of something in his house and it looked oddly familiar and I knew I had seen it before. I realized that the person I have been corresponding through the forum with is MR. FUN. I searched the member photo gallery to see if he had posted any photos of himself and he had, it's definitely him.

So here's where I need advice. Do I tell him it's me? There's no way that he knows it's me, I've been very careful not to disclose much about myself or my location and my screen name is completely unique from any of my email addresses or instant messenger names. I don't want to mislead him in any way, but I've definitely said things in that forum that I had hoped wouldn't be read by people I knew and I'm hesitant to "out" myself. I feel bad that it's been going on so long, but I can't be expected to search the photo gallery for every single person that responds to one of my online postings to see if I know them or not. Out of the millions of people in the world, what were the odds that the one who was chatting with me was someone I knew?! What would you guys do??

Love me Love my Stuff

There was an interesting article in the New York Times this morning on the impact your apartment can have on your dating life. The article cites examples of men who were rejected by their dates on the basis of the contents of their apartment and/or their living arrangements.

The biggest difference I have found in dating (and even friendships) between New York and the Midwest is that you rarely spend time in each other's homes. 99% of the time you meet each other at the restaurant/museum/bar that you plan to hang out in and leave each other at the train station at the end of the night. Most of my friends have never been in my apartment and I not in theirs. In the Midwest things are much different, dates pick you up at your doorstep and friends are constantly dropping by to hang out.

By not seeing a person's home and the "stuff" one collects throughout a lifetime, you miss out on seeing the whole picture of who they are. My own apartment speaks volumes about who I am. It's filled with art and photos and hundreds of books. You can tell I'm artistic, well-read and obsessively organized the minute you set foot in the door. I get excited when someone sees my apartment for the first time, because in a way I feel like they are seeing me for the first time too.

I would like to think my apartment only helps my dating life, not hinders it. If you don't like what you see, then you probably have no business being with me anyway. I want a life filled with books and photos and art. If you can't see yourself living that way, then you definitely aren't the man for me. Good riddance. Don't let my signed copy of Anderson Cooper's Dispatches from the Edge hit you on the way out.

Feminism. I'm sorry.

I have a friend. One of those friends who is HOT and even though you know he's not Mr. Right forever, he's Mr. fun when the pickin's are lean. One of THOSE friends. You know what I mean.

I loathe cutesy nicknames, and practically gag when couples refer to eachother as anything resembling a food item, but I have to say when Mr. fun calls me babydoll I get a little weak in the knees.

I'm so ashamed.

My Morning Commute

Consisted of:

1) a great deal of yelling
2) a fistfight
3) someone getting arrested
4) me contorting my body around people in positions I haven't attempted since my wild youth.

Oh how I hate it when the 6 train is running slow.

A case of the Mondays

I'm finally home from an epic day at work. No matter how productive I was, the pile of work on my desk just get growing. The last hour of work was just me arranging the piles so I felt better about coming in tomorrow. I was feeling icky all day, not sick, just worn down. This does not bode well for the rest of the week.

I think I'm stuck in the "ok". I don't love my job, but it's ok. I don't love NY any more, but it's ok. I don't like any photos that I've taken recently, but they have been ok. I'm stuck in the mediocre and I'm not sure how to get out. The prospect of job hunting and/or moving is overwhelming, and since things are "ok" I'm not motivated to make big scary changes. I'm heading to Boston next week for a little mini-break. I can't wait to spend a few days with an old friend in a new city, wandering, taking photos and browsing great bookstores. Hopefully this trip will snap me out of the melancholy I find myself in.

Dinner Update

The recipe turned out SO yummy! As you can see, I halved the recipe, since I was only cooking for me (and for lunch leftovers), but it still was incredible. The house smelled SO good while it was in the oven. I highly recommend this recipe!

Roasted Lemon Chicken & Green Beans & Tasty Peanut Butter Cup Dessert!

I'm making this for dinner tonight. I found this recipe in Real Simple Magazine.

6 tablespoons olive oil
2 lemons, 1 thinly sliced, 1 juiced
4 cloves garlic
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground pepper
3/4 lb green beans
8 small red potatoes, quartered
4 chicken breasts

Preheat oven to 450. Coat a large baking dish with 1 tablespoon olive oil. Arrange lemon slices from 1 lemon in a single layer on the bottom of the dish. In large bowl combine remaining olive oil, lemon juice of 2nd lemon, garlic, salt and pepper. Add green beans and toss to coat. Using tongs, remove green beans and arrange them on top of lemon slices. Add potatoes to same olive oil mixture and coat. Arrange on inside edge of dish on top of the beans. Please chicken in olive oil mixture and coat. Place chicken in dish. Roast for 40-50 minutes. Remove chicken and continue roasting potatoes/beans if necessary.

Bonus Dessert!
*Not exactly in keeping with my "eating less preservatives" idea, but still tasty and less fat than the regular version.

1 container fat free Cool Whip, thawed
1/3 cup peanut butter (or Better'n Butter substitute if you want to keep the calories/fat down)
4 tbsp Hershey's sugar free or lite chocolate syrup

Line 12 cups of muffin pan with cupcake holders. Using a whisk combine cool whip and peanut butter until smooth. Divide mixture evenly between cups and top each with a tsp of chocolate syrup. Freeze.

Accountability

I've been using thedailyplate.com for a few days now. It's a great site for tracking your calorie intake and where your calories come from. I'm hoping I can keep up with it for at least a month (if not longer) so I can get a clear picture of my diet. It been great for keeping myself accountable for everything I eat. So far I've discovered that my diet is actually very balanced, I just eat a couple hundred calories a day more than I should. If I can get myself back into the gym routine, I should be able to lose the weight I want by working out regularly. The site will even track the calories you burn. If you think calorie tracking would work for you, definitely check this site out. I LOVE it!

Friday Top 5

(stole this from Mama Doggy Love)

1) Pet Peeves
- Pictures on the wall that are hung crooked
- People who get pleasure out of putting people down
- People who criticize me for having too many books
- When the cap isn't put back on the toothpaste
- When people subject me to their cell phone conversation or iPod music on the train because they can't speak/listen at a normal decibel level.

2) Wishes and Dreams
- To fall in love
- To own a dog
- To save more money and build myself a nice nest egg
- To visit Paris
- Own a sapphire and diamond ring

3) Significant Life Lessons
- Always be aware of human nature
- The person you thought would never hurt you, will, but you'll be strong enough to heal
- Getting your wisdom teeth out isn't as bad as you think it's gonna be
- Don't be afraid to stick to your guns, even if every single person around you is steering you another way
- If your friends think the guy is a jerk, then he's a jerk (no matter how hot you think he is)

4) Most Cherished Posessions
- My baby pillow
- My DSLR camera
- My books
- My photos
- My brand new flat screen TV

5) Favorite Junk Food
- Caribou Coffee Chocolate Mocha Granola Bars
- Any cookie with dark chocolate & mint
- French Fries
- Sara Lee Coconut Cream Cake
- Brownies

Didn't your mama teach you better than that?

As I normally do in the mornings, I hit the Starbucks on the corner before going to work. After my usual grande iced coffee purchase, I headed down the street towards my office. I noticed a co-worker in front of me being hassled by one of the construction workers working on the building next door. He was clearly trying to hit on her, in that "in your face" abrasive, disgusting way that men sometimes do (seriously guys...does this EVER work for you? try flowers.). I was too far away to intervene and by the time I caught up with her he had turned the corner. I went up to her and asked if she was ok. She said "yeah. why?". I told her I had seen that guy being a jerk and she was like, "oh those guys do that to me every morning, I just ignore them".

It upsets me that women have to endure this kind of behavior. I know that ignoring these guys is the best thing to do, but it makes me sad that she has to start her day like that each morning.

Sometimes I hate being a girl.

I Hate Humanity Somedays....

I came across this article on CNN this morning. Two men have founded an exclusive on-line dating site for "fit, good looking people". If you want to join, you submit ONLY your photo to the site and members rate your looks (the article specifically says that members rating you have no other info about you, other than your pics to base their rating on). If you get a high enough score, you are allowed to join. At $9.95 a month hotenough.org is considerably less expensive than match.com and the uber-expensive Eharmony.com, and it" saves time and it does the searching for you, narrows it down to the people that you are interested in meeting" according to one member.

Browse the NY Craigslist Men seeking Women personals and you will be inundated with posts seeking "skinny, attractive" mates, a large number of the ads go so far as to call those who may not fit the required measurements "fatsos" and specify themselves as "not a chubby chaser". Throughout our entire lives we are faced with images of "the ideal body type" and are taught that "pretty people are better". Disney princesses are slender and attractive, the overwhelming majority of celebrities are stick thin, magazines are full of models with bodies unattainable to most of us with even the strictest of diets and exercise regimes. The message isn't only "attractiveness is ideal", it's that "unattractiveness (by societal standards) means you are worth LESS than others are".

Dating is enough of a self-esteem buster as it is, add in elitist clubs and men with weight restrictions and it's a wonder any of us less than ideal people have successful relationships at all.

Maybe I should start my own site "(not)hotenough.org". In order to join you must wear tapered jeans, eat pizza at least three times a week, and not be a member of a gym.

I Ate Kale!

I found this post for kale chips over at Cleanerplate.com and finally tried it out. I used a bit too much salt, but they turned out pretty good. It's almost like magic! You put little pieces of leafy greens in the oven and 15 minutes later they come out nice and crisp (I baked mine at 350). If you need something healthy to satisfy your salt cravings, definitely check this recipe out!

32 days to go

In exactly 1 month and 1 day (and coincidentally his birthday) Aaron will be officially done with his service in the Marines!

The countdown to April 20 begins.

Friend or Foe?

I got an email today from Eharmony boy. I knew it was coming. The gist was "I'm truly sorry for what happened and I would like to know if we could be friends". I know I need to respond, but I'm not really sure where I'm at with all this. I have no hard feelings at all regarding him. He did handle the situation (for the most part) like a man and was up front with me. He is definitely someone I could see myself being good friends with. However, I have a LONG history with men leaving me for other women and/or cheating. Each time it happens my self esteem shreds more and more. I'm afraid every time I talked to him or hung out I would be reminded that I was great, but just not great enough to get the guy. I don't need a friendship that's drama or complex. I think I'm going to email him back and tell him that I'm not upset or angry with him, but that I need a bit more time before I can be friends. Sigh. I truly wish I knew why this situation keeps happening to me. I'm so tired of being the girl men kill time with while they hunt for a "real" girlfriend. I've had airport layovers that lasted longer than most of my relationships. I need a guy who's looking for some frequent flyer miles.

International Relations

I was working on a big project at work yesterday and was in in major "concentration mode" when my phone rang. It was the H.O.T. British guy that works in my office who needed to ask me a question. I answered his inquiry, but since I had been focused on my project before he called, I was a bit more abrupt than I usually am with men who are that gorgeous. I hung up the phone and went back to my work. Not 5 minutes later he walks into my office with a cup of coffee and says "You sounded like you needed this", smiles and walks out. (I wish I could recreate the accent for you, it really adds something to the whole effect). After the crappy week I've had that small gesture completely turned things around and I was in a better mood all day (and I don't think it was just from the caffeine).

I can't help but think of the wars and conflict that could have been avoided throughout history, if the leaders of the world had just sat down and shared a Starbucks cafe mocha with extra whipped cream.

What are the 5 stage of grief again?

Grumpy...Sleepy...Dopey....Doc.....Bashful....Those seem about right.

In all honesty my reaction to the whole Eharmony boy drama disturbs me more than I'm willing to admit. Not because it was one of devastation, or of shock or even of anger, but because my first reaction was acceptance. It doesn't even phase me any more when I get cheated on, or when men choose to be with other women. I have truly hit a point where I expect men to want to be with someone else. My self esteem has never been high, but in recent years it's taken more of a hit than I think I realized. My self worth has hit an all time low, and I'm not exactly sure how to change that. In a way I guess it was a blessing that Eharmony boy found someone else, I'm nowhere near ready (and probably never will be) ready to be in a relationship.

I wish that realization made me feel better, but I think it actually makes me feel worse.

I really need to get a dog.

Life is One Cruel Joke

Well Eharmony boy called. We chatted about his trip for about 20 minutes, had some laughs, he reminded me about the dinner I owe him. Things were going well.

And then....

he tells me he met someone on his trip and they have been dating for the past few weeks.

Why why why does this stuff keep happening to me? I feel like I clearly don't deserve happiness cause all I get is continually crapped on.

Sigh.

I thought the whole point of getting married was that I didn't have to sleep alone anymore

The New York Times had an article in this morning's paper about the growing trend of married couples who have separate bedrooms. First of all let me say that I loathe sleeping alone. Sometimes I've stayed in "relationships" for years longer than I should have for the sole purpose of limiting the number of nights in my lifetime I would have to sleep by myself. I blame my dog. She slept with me every night when I was growing up and continues to sleep in my bed at my parent's house, even when I'm not there. Whether my sleeping companion has two legs or four legs, I've always preferred not to have to go to bed and wake up alone. However, I certainly understand why some couples would choose the separate bedrooms route. I'm not the easiest person to sleep next to, I have chronic insomnia, and even when I do sleep it's not restful, I toss and turn and wake up frequently. For me I think separate sleeping quarters would be a deal breaker (unless maybe we got a dog who would sleep with me instead). I think I would need that intimacy of being next to someone at night to feel connected to my partner. I wonder though if I fell in love with someone who snores or had nightmares if I would feel differently.

I've sometimes wondered if I could ever get used to even living with someone again. My first experience with it did not go well, and now that I've lived on my own for so long I can't imagine having to compromise over closet space and furniture purchases. I'm so used to cooking for 1, I can't even fathom doubling recipes and having twice as many dishes. I think my biggest fear about marriage is that the "business" of being married (the bill paying, filing tax returns, insurance decisions, meal preparation, etc.) is what takes the passion out and ruins it. I don't have any desire to argue with someone over whose turn it is to take out the trash, whose socks or on the floor or who forgot to buy laundry detergent. I've never been in love, so maybe the "business" of marriage and cohabitation becomes a small price to pay for the companionship and friendship that comes with having a partner for life. I'm so commitment phobic I'll probably never know.

I did get over my iatrophobia and get my wisdom teeth out though, so I guess anything is possible.

Can anyone tell me if this is good or not?

I had texted Eharmony boy "welcome back" yesterday morning, last night he texts me back "oh I got back yesterday". (Is it wrong to be annoyed that he was back for 24 hours before he even bothered to tell me?) So I text him back, but never hear from him. This morning I get an email from that says "I'm not ignoring you, I'm just trying to get back into a routine. I'll call you Sunday"......I know nothing about men and dating, so I can't tell if it's a good sign when they tell you they aren't ignoring you or is it a cover for actually ignoring you?

I so don't want to be this girl....of course around him, I play it all cool, like I didn't even notice he was MIA, but here I'm a mess. Please tell me this dating thing gets easier?? Please??

I MAY have spoke too soon...

So I reread the email about E boy's return....he was leaving on the 8th, not arriving. It's a 24 hour flight, so technically he gets back TODAY.

My dissapointment (and mint chocolate chip ice cream binge) is officially on hold for 24 hours. Stay tuned.

Not even a smoke signal

Yesterday came and went and no word from Eharmony boy. Sigh. I was hoping for at least a "I'm home" text message, but nothing. It's now been a week since I've heard from him. I'm a smart girl, I get it. I read the book. I've learned to recognize the signs of "He's Just Not That Into You". I'm trying to get to that place where I'm happy for the dates and conversations we had, and grateful that for at least a little while I got to have some fun, but I'm just not there yet.

Thank god ice cream is on my list of Dr. approved foods. Pass the mint chocolate chip please.

1 More Bloody Week

My dentist said I have to go SEVEN more days on the restricted diet! He did add some more foods, so it's not as limited as before, but it wasn't the free reign I was hoping for. Bleah.

Eharmony boy got/gets back today and I've still not heard from him, so I was feeling a bit bummed about that this afternoon as well. My dentist happens to be near Rockefeller center, and the shopping mecca of NYC, so post-appointment I decided to do some major retail therapy. As you can see below, shopping while upset (and starving) is probably not the best idea.


It's a little hard to see, but here is what you are looking at:
2 pairs of flip flops
2 sweaters
1 polo shirt
2 tank tops
1 argyle sweater vest
1 dress
1 sexy nightgown
1 white dress shirt
1 brown winter coat (50% off!)

I blame DoggyMama....she told me to shop. :-)

An extra 2 hours.....

Countdown is 3 hours until my dentist appointment. Keep your fingers crossed I get the all clear to start eating solid foods again! Grilled cheese here I come!

My boss said I could take the rest of the day off after my appointment (yippee!) so that means I'll have two whole extra hours tonight to do whatever I want. Any suggestions? laundry? errands? GROCERY shopping?

Grilled Cheese

The absolute SECOND the doctor gives me the ok to start eating solid foods again, I am making myself a grilled cheese. I'm on day 6 of the post-wisdom teeth removal liquid diet and I'm ready to take hostages. Give me CARBS!

Still no word from Eharmony boy. He's flying all day today and should be back sometime tomorrow. I am so hoping he contacts me again when he gets home. He was pretty good about keeping in contact the first four weeks of his trip, it's only this last week that he's gone completely MIA on me. Most of me thinks he was just busy enjoying his last week of vacation, but the insecure part of me thinks he just lost interest after so much time apart. I think the thing I hate most about this whole relationship stuff is the waiting. Between the starvation and the obsessive checking of my cellphone for the "I'm back" text message, I'm a complete basket case. I think some retail therapy is in order!

Iatrophobia Quote

Me: Yeah, I have a pretty severe fear of Doctors. I shake uncontrollably and cry whenever I have to go.

Friend: Oh. I think my dog has that.

2 More Days

2 more days until I can eat solid foods again and 2 more days until Eharmony boy returns from his trip. I honestly couldn't tell you which of those events I am looking forward to more.

I haven't heard much from Eharmony boy in the past few days, just a brief note before my surgery on Friday. We had two great dates before he left, but now that 5 weeks have passed, I worry that the spark went out. I'm trying to play it cool, and not go all "girl" on him and pester him to make plans with me as soon as he gets back, but I do really want to see him and see if this is going anywhere. I'm not very patient when it comes to relationships, I'm always trying to get to that comfortable place where you can wear sweats around him and you don't have to do your hair or wax anything. It's not that I love commitment (I don't), I'm just inherently lazy and abhor the date "getting ready" process. I suppose it's good that I've been forced to take things slow with Eharmony boy, if it does end up turning into some sort of relationship it will be something very solid. None of my other "relationships" (I use that term VERY loosely) have been very healthy or fulfilling, so maybe doing things differently is the way to go. I've never exactly lived by that whole "he won't buy the cow, if he gets the milk for free" adage. Personally I'm more into taking the car for a test drive before you buy. Even if you don't end up buying the hot sports car, at least you got one good ride. :-P

We'll see what happens. You guys will all be here if I get my heart broken right? :-(

Asian Orange Chicken

INGREDIENTS

• Sauce:
• 1 1/2 cups water
• 2 tablespoons orange juice
• 1/4 cup lemon juice
• 1/3 cup rice vinegar
• 2 1/2 tablespoons soy sauce
• 1 tablespoon grated orange zest
• 1 cup packed brown sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon minced fresh ginger root
• 1/2 teaspoon minced garlic
• 2 tablespoons chopped green onion
• 1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes
• 
  
• 3 tablespoons cornstarch
• 2 tablespoons water
• 
  
• Chicken:
• 2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut into 1/2 inch pieces
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon pepper
• 3 tablespoons olive oil

DIRECTIONS

1. Pour into saucepan 1 1/2 cups water, orange juice, lemon juice, rice vinegar, and soy sauce; and set over medium-high heat. Stir in orange zest, brown sugar, ginger, garlic, and chopped onion. Bring to a boil. Remove from heat, and let cool 10 to 15 minutes.
2. Place chicken pieces into a resealable plastic bag. When contents of saucepan have cooled, pour 1 cup of sauce into bag. Reserve remaining sauce. Seal bag, and refrigerate at least 2 hours.
3. In another resealable plastic bag, mix the flour, salt, and pepper. Add marinated chicken pieces, and shake to coat.
4. Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Place chicken in skillet, and brown on both sides. Remove to paper towels, and cover with aluminum foil.
5. Wipe out the skillet, and add the sauce. Bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Mix together cornstarch and 2 tablespoons water, and stir into sauce. Reduce heat to medium low; stir in chicken pieces, and simmer, about 5 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Compliments of allrecipes.com.

Reduced Fat Chicken Pot Pie

Ingredients:

8 oz. raw boneless skinless chicken breast; cut into bite-sized pieces

3 cups C&W Ultimate Petite Mixed Vegetables (or any other frozen mixed vegetables)

1 can (10.75 oz.) Campbell's Condensed Soup, 98% Fat Free Cream of Celery

3 servings Pillsbury Reduced Fat Crescent Rolls (unprepared)

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Saute chicken pieces for several minutes in a pan spritzed with nonstick cooking spray, until chicken is light brown/cooked but still tender; set aside. Heat frozen veggies in microwave according to package. Mix chicken, vegetables and soup together and put in a 9" round baking dish sprayed with nonstick cooking spray. Place dish in oven and bake for about 30 minutes or until hot and bubbly (stir about halfway through). While dish is cooking, unroll 3 crescent rolls. Combine pieces together with hands to make one large ball of dough. With a rolling pin, roll dough out into a circle to cover top of dish. Add dough to the top of the dish and cook for an additional 15 - 20 minutes or until top is golden brown. Serves 4.

Compliments of hungry-girl.com

My Tivo Thinks I'm a Gay Male

My Tivo "suggestions" currently consists of the following programs:

Oklahoma
West Side Story
Threesome
8 hours of a variety of programming on LOGO, the Lesbian and Gay channel
Saturday Night Fever
Big
Martha Stewart Living

Showtunes, John Travolta in skintight jumpsuits and menage et toi....apparently my Tivo thinks I'm Jack from Will and Grace.

Am I dumber now?

I'm back at home after having my wisdom tooth out. The Dr. decided to only take out the problematic one and leave the rest since they weren't giving me any trouble. He thought taking all 4 out at once would be too traumatic on my system. It wasn't too bad at all, the worst part was the constant shaking and of course the IV. I'm feeling a little loopy and really want to sleep, but the pain is starting to kick in and I didn't pick up my prescriptions yet. Now that the drugs are wearing off I'm starting to freak out about the cost. $1,000 for just 1 being extracted! I don't think any of it is covered under my insurance, but I'm going to submit it and see...Oh well maybe it will be worth it not to live with the constant pain the wisdom tooth was causing me.

Thanks for all the good thoughts and wishes! They definitely helped! I'm off to get under the covers, eat ice cream and watch Tivo.

I went!

My trip to the dentist went as well as to be expected. I shook and cried the entire time and felt like a fool, but everyone was super nice to me. They wanted to take my wisdom teeth out ASAP so tomorrow morning at 9am I will be going under and having all 4 taken out. I'm terrified and wish I had someone to go with me, but nobody I know could get off work on such short notice. I'm hoping I can talk well enough to hail a cab or find the subway after. I'm absolutely terrified, but I know it's time to have them out.

I want my mommy. :-(