Monday, September 26, 2005


I need to accept that there are things in this world I will never understand. Why some people die young. Why some people are thin. Why some find love, and why others do not.

I've never been happy in a relationship. At least I don't remember being happy. It may be that I'm one of those people who forgets the happiness once it's over, for the pain of the end erases any joy that was once there. I have never heard the words "I love you" from someone. I've never gotten flowers "just because". I've never had sex with someone who loved me.

I want to know what love is like. I want to feel the joys of it, as well as the pain. I want the passion of feeling raw to course through me.

How does one learn to accept that love may not be a part of our future? That I may go through life with no wedding ring, no one to help me fold sheets, no one to kiss me goodnight. I have this voice in my heart that tells me I will never be in love, that my solitude is permanent. That it isn't meant to be. That I need to let go of hope and set myself free.

I feel sad for all the things I feel I'll never have. I'll never be introduced as "my wife, Karen". I'll never have someone call me "mommy". I'll never have someone to kill the spiders for me. I find myself getting lost lately in that sadness. I'm turning inward more and more, accepting what I feel is my current fate. I wish the weight of sadness wasn't the only thing I woke up next to.

I know I am lost in the "never". That isn't always a bad thing, for the one thing I do know is that I will never give up hope.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

What is this thing called love

Ah Ella....or was it Sarah Vaughn who sang that song.....

I wonder sometimes if I wasn't programmed to love. Sure, I love my puppy, but that's different. There's nothing she could do that would hurt me, I don't give anything up to love her. I have a pretty good life if I look around. An apt in NY, I like my stuff, a decent job, I can afford to travel.....all it's missing is people. I accept that I'm a solitary person who for the most part is not a fan of humanity. My interests are solitary so I'm not forced to have the same innane "what do you do" "what borough do you live in/train do you take" "where did you go to school" small talk conversations over and over and over again. I have a few close friends who live far away, so my core friendships involve nighttime cell phone minutes, a gmail account and the annoying sound effects of aol instant messenger. There is very little human contact in my world, and the small amount I get is usually shortlived. I don't play the roles in my life based on obligation very well....daughter, granddaughter, girlfriend.....I can't seem to get a handle on those. Legal Assistant, tenant, customer.....those I can do. Any role that involves the "I love you" dialogue I can't grasp.