Thursday, December 23, 2004

Happy Holidays to all my blog readers!!!!
The countdown continues!!!! Less than 48 hours until I get to see my puppy!!!! (and parents and sister and Grace and cats...blah blah blah)....

There's nothing in the world like puppy kisses and cat "love", right Grace? :)

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

DSL ROCKS!!!!!!!!

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Insomnia sucks.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

I need a break from heartbreak.

Friday, December 17, 2004

I'm too tired to be tired.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

A dedication

to my friend Grace who is so loving of animals and humanity that she fed and watered the mouse in her house for two days (and protected it from her 3 cats) until she could get a humane trap, catch it and set it free in a field with a box of Cheeze-its.
Do I think too much? Do I feel too much? Do I know too little? Do I doubt too much?

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Say goodbye

to dial up! YEAH to full time with benefits (and I get to keep my OT) employment!!!!! More money equals cable modem baby!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I drank too much at my company holiday party tonight. weall did. fun.
I wonder how i got home. time for mbed. so sleepy;

whoo to my permanent job!

Sunday, December 12, 2004

I want to take the modem out of my computer, smash it into pieces and set it on fire.
I bought a new mop. Swiffer Wet Jet. It's fun.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

What is beauty? Am I beautiful? Are you?


I often wonder what my life would be like without coffee. I think it would be dreadful, for most days the Starbucks Peppermint Mocha is all I look forward to.

I didn't sleep well last night. My mind would not rest, and now it's Saturday morning and I'm more tired then when I went to bed. How does that happen, how can one sleep and be worse off than if they hadn't? I'll never understand the chemistry of the brain.

I feel like cooking today, making something that doesn't come out of a box, bag or shrink wrap. That would entail going to the grocery store though, and it's not Friday. Perhaps I can be creative and make something with what little I have. What could one make with a can of coconut milk, hummus and coffee?

I hate that Aaron is in Iraq again. I can't imagine what my life would be like without our friendship. He's known me for the last 12 years of my life, we have no secrets. He's the one thing in my life I do not doubt.

I should get up, step out of bed for longer than the trip to the coffee maker and back, but I do not want to. I want to cuddle up under my covers and wish for restful sleep.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Truly thoughts from a mind

It's the third day of having to walk home in the rain. I'm tired of my shoes squeaking as I walk down the hallway. I refuse to carry an umbrella any more. I would rather get wet and embrace the rain instead of hiding from it.

My weekends are boring and unbelievably predictable. Friday nights I go to the grocery store on my way home from work, Saturday I sleep in, only getting out of bed to get my routine mug of coffee. The rest of the day I alternate between productiveness and laziness. Cleaning and napping, writing and relaxing. Sunday mornings I do laundry, after the requisite carafe of coffee and Pop Tart. Routine is my only roommate.

I'll be home in exactly 14 days. I can't wait. It will be a welcome break from my usual pattern. I've always loved Christmas, next to my birthday it's my favorite holiday. As I age, I am sure it will take first place, for it has no stigma of wrinkles and hearing loss attached. I did all of my holiday shopping on-line this year and I regret it. It was necessary as I needed to have it all shipped back to Illinois, but I miss the experience of being present in a store. The decorations, the music....the aura of giving mixed with the chaos of obligation. The true spirit of the holiday season.

I'll spare you all for now, but I feel myself stumbling into a writing mood so this weekend may leave you with a lot to read. Enjoy it, hate it, it's entirely up to you.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

I am so tired of not sleeping.

and rain.

and humanity.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

I would like to apologize for yelling at my microwave today. You've been a good appliance, never let me down. I'm sorry my misguided anger was directed towards you. You didn't deserve it, and I'm very sorry.

Yeah. I need a nap.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

I truly think the best thing about life is coffee.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Lyrics to some song

My heart can't break because it wasn't whole to begin with.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

For the second time since I moved to NY my apartment building is being surrounded by fire trucks.

Why is life so flamable?

Friday, December 03, 2004

How come....

whenever I do Christmas shopping I always end up buying stuff for myself?

Thursday, December 02, 2004

I'm plagued by this notion that we don't fall in love with people, we fall in love with possibility. That its more about action, than it is about a person. We all want someone to BRING us flowers, to PROFESS their love, to HOLD our hand. When did love become about verbs?

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

The Things I Love:


Peppermint Mocha

CDC, LGG, 3 cats and a dog....among others

Sleeping in on a Saturday morning

Being inspired

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Will I always be alone?

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

The only thing that makes me happy is......


The best part about the holiday season? The re-introduction of Peppermint Mocha at Starbucks.

A close second:
My new I-pod

Wednesday, November 17, 2004


I'm not sleeping again. My body wants it, but my mind won't allow. I hate this feeling and it's all oo common. I'm too awake to sleep and too tired to be awake.

Sunday, November 14, 2004


I look at the books on my shelves like they are photographs. I see the titles and the covers and am reminded of where I was when I read that poem. Who I read that novel with. Who introduced me to that author. Everyone always tells me to purge my books, sell them, give them away, but to me that would be like giving friendships away, memories away. Even the worst book tells more than it's own story. It tells mine too.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is Mom's birthday and Sunday is Dad's HAPPY BIRTHDAY to them both!!

Sunday, October 31, 2004

Happy Halloween!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was reading some old journals a few nights ago. It's so hard to read through them and remember the moments and feelings of those years. I wish I could say I'm far away from the person who wrote those words, but I'm not. I have the same insecurities, the same fears, the same pain. I guess I also have to remember that I have the same hopes, desires and heart. I can't help but wonder who I will be when I read this in 4 years. My guess is the same. Exactly the same.

There is something comforting in that.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Quick Update

My insomnia is back and my artistic talent is missing.

Monday, October 04, 2004

I was in the Barnes and Noble at Union Square tonight after work looking for a book and there was this guy lurking in the aisles of the fiction section. I couldn't figure out what he was doing, until I witnessed it myself. He would plant a book (High Fidelity by Hornsby) in the wrong place and wait for a cute girl to walk by. Then he would stop her and ask her if she had read it. If she said no, he would explain the plot to her, and if she said yes he would ask her how she felt about it. I couldn't believe this guy's "game". I wanted to tell him that perhaps next time he should pick a book without misogynistic undertones, but he didn't ask MY opinion, so he can strike out on his own.

I love NY.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

Random Thought 1000

We have to register for conferences, for school and to vote. What if we had to register to love?

I'm a baseball traitor

Yes, I'm sorry for betraying the Yankees, but a co-worker invited me to the last Mets game of the season today and I went! She and I had a blast, it was a great game and it was SO nice to get out and do something new.

The Food Network makes me hungry.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Have a little faith

My furniture project is finally done and I must say it turned out ok in the end. My apartment is back in order and it is such a nice feeling. I'm so habitual, when things are out of place, my whole being is affected and I find myself totally out of sorts. It's nice to have sanity again. (For those readers who know me, please stop laughing! I have sanity.....sometimes)

I need to start taking photographs again. I have taken only a handful since coming to NY. I've neglected that part of me for too long now, it's time to regain my focus. I see so many sights I want to capture, but for some reason can't bring myself to freeze them. It's been months since I had a camera in my hand. Film used to be like oxygen to me, now I breathe too easily without it.

On a side note, the song being played at work now is called Therapy. LOL

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Ode to Rain

I love the sound of rain. It's such a great sound. I could do without thunder and lightning though. I'll splash in puddles and play in the rain all day, but as soon as the thunder starts I can be found underneath my dining room table cluching a stuffed animal. I would rather be in love, than be in lightning.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

A rant about furniture refinishing.

I am beyond frustrated at my furniture staining project. It just isn't getting dark enough, and it's nearly impossible to get it even. My hands are covered in stain that is NOT coming off, everything I touch gets stain on it. Do you know how hard it is to make grilled cheese without touching ANYTHING with your hands? I'm frustrated that my apartment is dirty, and in complete disarray.....I'm not convinced I'm going to be able to remember how to put my futon back together again, and I have NO idea if it is even going to look good in the end.


Does real life romance exist? Candlelight dinners with Miles Davis in the background, love letters under the door, surprise flowers for no reason at it real, or just movie made moments? When did being sweet go out of style?

Friday, September 24, 2004

Ok life, I get the hint

The song that at work that I've been forced to listen to at varying decibel levels is called "Relearn Love". If that isn't irony I don't know what is.

Oh and by the way, Peas explode in the microwave.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

I want nothing more than Strawberries right make that a strawberry milkshake...yeah..THAT would be perfect.

My wisdom teeth are KILLING me.....I know I should have them out, but I'm scared. Any words of encouragement for me? I can't keep eating nothing but mashed potatoes for much longer......

Monday, September 20, 2004

Good-bye kisses aren't kisses at all. They are emotional tattoos you leave on someone, or that get left on you.

Believing in love and not believing in love yield the same result ultimately. It's funny how I never knew that before. Either way it's a loss. Loss of love or loss of hope. Pain A or Pain B.

When did I become afraid of emotion? I thought girls were supposed to be taught to be emotional. When did I become a "guy" about feelings? (no offense to my male blog readers intended)

Saturday, September 18, 2004

What I learned last night:

Getting a cork out of a wine bottle with a pair of scissors and a paring knife is impossible.

Friday, September 17, 2004

I'm ready for my weekend. I'm in my PJ's, got my bottle of wine and the Oscar CD's are in the stereo! Whoo hoo!

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Those 7 train riders

The other day I saw an obviously tipsy (if not full blown drunk) woman get on the 7 train. In her left hand she had a 1/2 gallon of milk that was 3/4 of the way full. In her right hand she had a near empty bottle of what I presumed to be vodka. It was an odd sight to say the least. I spent the remainder of the ride home wondering what possible drink she was making with milk and whatever clear alcohol was in her possession. Oh those wacky Mets fans.

I actually wear clothes

Maybe it's a sign of age, of my holding onto antiquated beliefs and morals, but what is with the clothing some girls/women are wearing these days?? Women of all sizes and shapes wearing TIGHT pants, tiny tops, underwear showing through transparent skirts.....maybe it's my Midwestern upbringing....maybe it's just my neighborhood....but it's unbelievable some of the outfits I see on the streets. I've been known to SWIM in more clothing than some of these women are wearing. I feel cloaked while wearing jeans and a t-shirt in comparison. I can't wait for winter to see how these "fashions" are adapted to the weather. I fully admit my approach to clothing for myself can be on the conservative side. I wear long pants in all seasons, refuse to wear sleeveless items....don't own a skirt above my knee, but this alternative extreme seems to be the norm nowadays.
I really just used the word nowadays. When did I turn 70? Worse, when did I turn into my grandmother? Someone pass the Polygrip, it's gonna be a long life.

Suprise Mailings

Somebody who loves me a great deal sent me the BEST package today. It contained a 4 disc set of Oscar Petersen piano solos! A LONG evening of great jazz is ahead of me. My own private concert. If only I had a bottle of wine.

Love you.

Friday, September 10, 2004

I'm lonely.

Random 7 Train Thought

When you buy something on credit, it ends up costing more than it's worth. Let's say you buy an IPOD and it's $250. You put it on your Discover Card and pay it off little by little every month. In the end because of interest it ended up costing you $325. MORE than what it was worth. That's what love is like to me. It has a price and a value, but the acutal COST is too much to bear.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Random Thought (1 of MANY)

How come achieving the American dream doesn't allow you any time to actually DREAM??
How come the more I feel whole, the lonelier I get? Puzzle pieces missing from my life are finally coming together, I'm settling into a life people only dream about, yet I feel lonely.

I guess you can only fill the glass to the top without putting something at the bottom.

Monday, September 06, 2004

We must be careful who we chose to let into our lives. We are affected by others, their lives, their choices. It's not just about being influenced though, it's about exerting influence . Though we may not know it or believe it, we do alter the path and fate of everyone we have contact with. Be careful who influences you, but also be careful of those you chose to influence.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

School of Life

What is human nature? What parts of us are inherent to our selves, our society, our instincts? I'm beginning to think that everything is learned, there is no such thing as human nature or instinct. We absorb everything. We learn to touch, taste, feel. Love. Live.

I haven't thought this through yet. Let me get back to you.

Random thought: I LOVE doing laundry. You put dirty clothes into a magic machine and 25 minutes later they come out clean and smelling good! It's like a car wash for your clothes!
Um what??? Ok that's it, someone commit me to cleaners anonymous quick.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Looking up continued

I wonder now if my parental idealism is what causes the gap that exists between myself and my parents. I suppose there are many factors that contribute, generational divide, personality differences, circumstance...maybe by holding them up, I'm holding them apart.They seem like strangers to me most of the time. Idealistic Strangers. I wish they understood me, my life, my art. I know they look at themselves and wonder how they raised someone so polar opposite to them. I still look up to them though, want their approval.And yet another one of my MANY contradictions.....

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Which way is North?

I feel so far from the person I know I want to be. I've been wandering the past few years, making poor choices. I guess it's partly a delayed rebellion. I never experimented and did the trials a normal college student does, now at 25 I'm making the mistakes I should have at 18. It's still no excuse though. I'm becoming morally lazy and fragmented. I need to get back to those core values instilled in me since I was a child. You feel the most lost in life when you stray from your core. It's hard not being surrounded by the people in your life who act as your compass. Don't get me wrong, I take FULL responsibility for all my decisions and choices, I just miss having my sounding boards and "tough love" friends to pull me back onto the path when I start to waver. Core values. I need to explore what that means to me, where my center in myself is and how to use it.

I wish my compasses weren't 900 miles away.
I finally find a "rock" song I like and it's not by our record label! LOL Oh well, at least I'm trying. As my co-worker said to me today "K we'll turn you into a rocker chick yet" GOOD LUCK

Monday, August 30, 2004

So many sounds

Throughout the course of a day I hear many types of music. From the Good Morning America theme when I wake up to the Oscar Petersen I put on when I get home. Rock and pop in the halls of work. The neighborhood ice cream truck jingle. The sound of children playing. It's all music, but in completely different genres and purposes, feelings and forms, but you know it's music because it makes you feel. Words can be music, laughter, even crying has a melody.

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Looking up too far

I don't look at my parents like they are real yet. I forget that they are personalities, full of their own history and lessons. To me they are still these powerful titles MOM and DAD. It isn't fair the way I look at them, with these idealistic eyes. They carry it well though, picking me up when I crash (both literally and figuratively), teaching my sister and I values instead of rules. Maybe I will always look at them the same way I did as a child, like they know everything, like they'll never hurt me. Maybe MOM and DAD don't have to be real people to me, they are real to the rest of the world, for me they can be surreal...ideal.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Excerpt from an E-mail I wrote yesterday

We all build walls. We spend our entire lives making the people in our
lives pay for the sins of those in our past. It isn’t fair, but we all do
it. Some people find love despite it. Me, I learned that if you touch the
stove you get burned.

Monday, August 23, 2004


You are standing right in front of me, but I can’t reach you.

When I try to hug you, you have hard edges.

I try to press myself against you, but your wall prevents this.

I strip myself away in order to shed some layers between us.

It doesn’t help, for now I am naked before you in your brick house.

I throw stones to break your box, but it only gets thicker.

I try hugging you again, but your sharp edges cut me.

Getting to know you is like a cold burn.

No room for happiness

Look people if you want happy thoughts go pick up an Oprah book club selection, you aren't gonna find them here.

I don't understand this endless love quest people seem to be on. Nobody can seem to tell me why we do it. Because it's worth it in the end? Prove it. Because it's about the journey? I can go on a life journey without a wayward part-time stoned cupid at my side as my tourguide. I prefer mapquest.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Random weekend thoughts

I'm afraid of everything. When is it that we learn fear? How does one be curious and afraid at the same time. I truly am a woman of contradiction.

I'm afraid of fear.

To me love and loss are the same emotion, the same internal result.

A quote I heard at a party this weekend:
"'s a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling"
Now that's a thought that will fester for awhile

I think and feel things deeply. After many years of knowing this about myself I'm finally starting to accept that as the beautiful part of myself.
I just wish it wasn't so hard to convince others.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

There are days when you just have to laugh at life. Or maybe life is laughing at you. I'm not quite sure. For the first time I can remember I saw fate intervene in someone's life. A single choice, so simple, turned upside down and inside out. There is definitely a reason it turned out the way it did, a reason that I don't think is fully known yet. WOW. What a thing to witness.

Monday, August 16, 2004

More on Want

I am plagued constantly by this notion of "want". What I want out of life, what it needs from me. I had always hoped there was an end to that questioning, an answer to I am a _______ . As I get older I realize no such answer exists. A #2 pencil isn't needed. I think about returning to school, but I promised myself I wouldn't go until I was certain I knew what for.


Even a jury gets reasonable doubt.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Sadness (Written Winter 2003)

There are an infinite number of ways to be sad and a million more ways to love.

There’s sadness for those you love or loved and weren’t loved by in return. That’s the most sold sadness. Always the most expensive, never goes on sale, but almost everyone is a consumer of it once in their lives. Sometimes tears are included, but only while supplies last.

It isn’t really what causes it so much as what it does to you. It takes brushing your teeth and makes it calculus.

My lover is gone, but love has stayed. No more is it housed by a body. No longer does it have flesh to absorb it. It hangs in the air. I can’t take it back and he peeled it from himself like wet clothing. Just stripped it away and left it on the floor. Eventually it will dry, but it will remain on the floor to be picked up by someone else, for in the drying process it has changed shape and will no longer fit him anymore.

It isn’t really what causes it so much as what it does to you.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Multi-faceted abnormal

I've been thinking lately a lot about what I want. What things we chose to lable "want", what we label "fantasy". How we know what true want is. I'm constantly reminded that even the ability to have want is a luxury. For some the "wants" list is as simple as food or safety. Things many of us take for granted.

I hide my true desires a lot. Even from myself. As much as I say the opposite, I truly do want love out of life. I claim to be commitment phobic, but it's just a slipcover for rejection phobic. I don't want to love and not be loved in return anymore. There is no worse feeling in the world than unrequited love. Very few people can love without the expectation of it in return.

I fear that loving someone changes who you are. I fear being altered before I know who I am. I fear being altered after I hold that knowledge.

The end of my intelligence

2.5 hours into having cable TV. I'm amazed at how much useless programming there is available to me now. I feel sucked in already. Someone call me later on tonight and make sure I'm not still sitting here.

Hope doesn't Float

My least favorite emotion is hope. It's worse than love. It can destroy who you are.