Wednesday, November 28, 2007

He Chose Flight

He broke up with me. He said he doesn't see it ever working out.

I have no words right now. I just want to cry.

Fight or Flight

My conversation with Tennis Guy on Monday did not go well. He said he felt like I wanted to go faster in our relationship than he did, and that he was resisting because he had "concerns". I asked what his concerns were and he listed them. After he was done, I made a comment that "it's really hard to hear the things that someone doesn't like about you". This made him FLIP out. He said that he never said he didn't like me, just that he had concerns about getting serious with me and that it's "really annoying to be in a relationship where every comment made is construed as me breaking up with you". I NEVER said I thought he was ending things, but I apologized for making the leap from him having concerns to thinking he didn't like me. The conversation just kept getting worse and I eventually asked him if he still wanted me to go visit him next week. He said he wasn't sure anymore, but a few seconds later said that he wanted to see me, but he "wasn't sure it was a good idea". I told him that I understood but that I would need to know by early next week so I could change my plans. He said he was too upset to continue talking on Monday, but he would talk to me in a few days. Last night I got a text message from him saying he was still thinking things through and he would call me tonight.
I've been through a huge range of emotions in the past 36 hours. The things he listed as concerns about me were unfair and in some cases unfounded. His concerns were: 1) I'm not as social and don't go out as much as he would like. First of all it's a long distance relationship and we've only been in the same city two weekends. Weekend 1 we DID go out and Weekend 2 we didn't, but he wasn't exactly complaining when we spent the whole weekend um....reconnecting. 2) He doesn't understand my relationship with my parents. It's true I don't have the best relationship with my parents, but he's basing this specifically on the post-Thanksgiving complaining I did this weekend. 95% of America complains about spending time with their family after the holidays. Plus, his family lives in ANOTHER COUNTRY. Of course it's easier to get along with your parents when they aren't even on the same continent. 3) I don't like my job and don't seem happy. Yes, it's true work has been more stressful, and I have been venting quite a bit to him about it, so this one I can see where he is coming from, though in my defense I've also been talking through my job/potential moving ideas with him so he should at least give me credit for taking steps toward changing my situation. He has a job and a family that fulfill him and make him happy. I have a job that allows me to do the OTHER things in life that make me happy, like traveling and taking photos. It's not that I'm a generally unhappy person, it's just that the things that make me happy aren't the same things that make him happy.
A part of me feels unfairly attacked and a part of me can see where he is coming from. I don't understand why it's taking him 2 days to decide if he wants to continue to date me. It's not like I asked him for any kind of commitment, all he needs to think about is if he wants to go on another date with me. I absolutely want to continue dating him and seeing where this might be going and to be sitting here for days now waiting for him to think about whether he wants to still be with me is nerve racking. I've gotten some clarity through it all though. I do think he's right about going slow if he does say he wants to keep seeing me I am absolutely comfortable now with taking our time and getting to know each other. Also I feel like I've been extremely understanding with his traveling and being in a relationship where the other person isn't around a lot. I am someone who needs my own space and time to myself and I've NEVER complained or used his work against him. That quality is not easy to find in a woman and he should feel LUCKY to find someone understanding. Obviously in the last few days I've been doing a lot of thinking, but I haven't been obsessing or "going to the crazy" and I'm proud of myself for that. I have no idea how tonight's conversation will go and what he is going to say but I feel like I'm mentally prepared for the conversation and am in a good place. Let's just hope I stay there.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Stopping The Crazy

I had an odd Thanksgiving. I haven't been able to pin-point why exactly, but I was feeling out of sorts and never really got to relax. I did have fun playing with my puppy in the snow and taking her for long walks around the pond near my parents house. Of course I let her have free reign and she promptly romped in a thorn/burr bush and I had to spend nearly an hour brushing and cutting them out of her fur, but it was still good to play with her. I tried to take some photos of her playing in the snow, but she is terrified of cameras so I'm not sure if any of them came out. I'll try to post a few tonight if they did.
In yet another bizarre confluence of events, I ended up meeting the Young One in the airport last night, He is REALLY REALLY cute! We spent a few hours during our respective layovers just chatting. He did give me a sweet kiss goodbye, but nothing major. I'm not sure I see anything happening with him, but it was nice to finally meet up with him. I think he'll actually turn out to be a pretty good friend.
Which leads me to Tennis Guy.....I have NO idea what is going on there. We talked Monday night, he said he wouldn't call me while his brother was in town and would call me on Sunday when I got back from my trip, which I took to mean we wouldn't talk, but we would still text/email as usual. I texted him on Tuesday, got no response. I texted him on Thanksgiving, got no response. He texts me Friday finally saying his brother had left and that he was spending his weekend sleeping. I text him back, get no response. I try calling him Saturday night but he doesn't pick up. He calls me Sunday (as he said he would) and we talk and he makes a comment that "as long as I've known you, you've been sad". I was completely taken aback. Work has been rough lately and of course going home to my parents for the holidays is never a joyous time for me, but I didn't realize I was coming across to him as "sad". I apologized for seeming too needy the past week and seeming down. I told him I didn't want him to think I was boring/depressed or not any fun and he said that he wasn't saying it to tell me that he likes me less, that he was saying it because it makes him worried about me. I made a comment about how he just met me during a "transition time" in my life when I'm trying to figure out what the next stage of my life going to lead me and we let it drop. He said he would call me again tonight so we could talk. I am really starting to think that I just can't do the whole relationship thing, with anyone, not just him. I'm not cut out for these (admittedly self made) ups and downs. I feel like I just don't know how to connect with people, especially men on a romantic level. I don't do the "wait and see" thing well, and that seems to be all dating is. I feel like what I'm "waiting" for is to be broken up with. I don't know how to have faith and not be afraid of eternal solitude if things don't work out. I know I'm ruining a potentially good thing here and I don't know what I can do to "stop the crazy".

EDITED to add photos:

Friday, November 23, 2007

Thoughts from a (Former) Home

I'm at parents house....and I wish they would LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY. Lazing around the house, laying in bed with a book and my dog is how I want to spend my precious few days off, but lazing isn't a word my family understands. Here you must always be doing/going/seeing/shopping. Ugh.

Part of it is I'm just in a bad mood. It's been days since I've heard a word from Tennis Guy and (as per usual) my insecurities are getting the best of me. He has family in town this week, but I thought for sure I'd at least get a Thanksgiving Day text message, but alas nothing in 4 days. I wish I could get over my sensitivity to being/feeling ignored. Last time we talked he said he would call me on Sunday when I got home so we'll see if he I hear from him then. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I HATE the early stages of dating!

Hope everyone had a happy, tasty Turkey Day!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

T- 2 days to Turkey

I am NOT looking forward to leaving for the airport at 4am on Thursday. I like going home for Thanksgiving, but the stress of getting there almost isn't worth it. Plus this year I have to change planes and I HATE changing planes with a passion.

Had my phone date with Tennis Guy last night, it was so good to talk to him again. Things are still going VERY slow and I'm trying hard not to get impatient. I realized that my only frame of reference for relationships is the way they worked in high school, where people don't really "date", you go right from the "talking (aka your friend telling him that you like him)" phase right into the boyfriend/girlfriend phase. Things for us will naturally be at a different pace because of distance and both our travels. I need to get rid of the thinking that we need to be on some some sort of "schedule".

Still haven't made much headway on the Christmas shopping. Hopefully when I go home for Thanksgiving I'll get inspired and can get some shopping done. It's so much easier to buy it when I'm home and avoid the shipping costs anyway. I did get something for my dog already, but Ginger is pretty easy to buy for.

Off to Starbucks for my daily Peppermint Mocha fix!

Monday, November 19, 2007


I think my body is in "holiday" off mode. I have a huge project at work with an approaching deadline and I just can NOT motivate myself to dig in. I'm already behind and if I don't really step it up, I will literally have to work night and day the first two weeks of December to finish. I may even have to cut my trip out to see Tennis Guy short if I don't get on the ball, so I REALLY need to start working on it, but I just can't seem to focus. I'm going to try to come up with a schedule this week, so that when I'm back from Thanksgiving break I can get serious about it.

I'm someone who likes to tackle big projects all at once. Once I get myself into "focus mode" I am really good at staying on track and seeing something through, no matter how long it takes. Unfortunately the nature of the job I have is that the only solid blocks of time I have with no distraction are the late night hours when everyone is gone and I'm already tapped out. Maybe I'll sacrifice a weekend and just blow through a chunk of it. I HATE working 7 days a week's so draining.

Tennis Guy gets back from his trip tonight, we have another phone date planned as long as his flights are all on time. I'm hoping they are....I can't wait to hear that sexy voice of his! :-)

Thursday, November 15, 2007

I truly have nothing to say....

I am so not motivated to do work today. It's a rainy, cold day in NY. I'm kicking myself for not just calling in "sick" and staying in bed watching bad TV all day. I've been at work for nearly 3 hours and haven't done a single thing. I at least managed to go out and get my daily Peppermint Mocha, so let's just call that being productive.

I'm finally feeling like I'm getting back on track after the time change/vacation return. I got caught up this week with laundry, cleaning and bill paying which means I can spend this weekend lazing around. I might try to hit up a friend with a car to assist me in buying a new (fake) Christmas tree since mine bit the dust last year.

Speaking of Christmas Trees, when I left the office to go to Starbucks the lobby downstairs was exactly as it usually is every day, but when I came back (15 minutes later) it was completely decorated for Christmas! There was a fully decorated Christmas tree, garland on the security desk and a wreath above the elevators. Now either I completely blanked and missed them setting all that up when I left or that was some speedy decorating. It seems a little early for Christmas decor, but what do I know. Target had their Christmas trees up the day after Halloween.

Things with Tennis Guy are back on track as well, his international phone service is fixed and we've been able to talk again this week. I'm becoming more comfortable with the place he and I are at, and I daresay I may even learn to enjoy this stage.

I really should start on my holiday shopping. Usually by this time I have some inkling of what to get everyone, but this year I just have NO clue yet. Maybe going out to the stores will give me ideas, though usually I just end up shopping for myself.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Retroactively Grounded

I think my sister just got me retroactively grounded.

She sent me an IM today asking me what trips I took when I was her age (21) in college. I told her I went on a few, namely to Florida with a friend over Spring Break. She got mad and said that she had just asked my parents if she could go on Spring Break with her friends this year and my mom nixed the idea. Now she's going to run to my mom and play the "It's not fair, Kai got to go, why can't I game".**

All this got me thinking....we have SUPER strict parents and I'm not sure they would have let me go on my trip.....if they knew about it. I can't for the life of me remember if I asked permission to go or if I just went and never told them! I'm pretty sure that if they didn't know before they are going to be pretty mad (even though yes, it's 8 years later). She just HAD to ask them around the holidays when I'll be home twice in a short span of time.....

**I hadn't thought to bring this up, but when *I* wanted to go on the school-sponsored Europe trip in high school, my parents said no, but they let my sister go on the EXACT SAME TRIP.....maybe I can somehow use that in my defense.

I think it's time to tell my parents about my sister's piercings....she has a few they don't know about......evil grin....

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Having Faith

Tennis Guy is traveling for business again and after nearly a week without hearing from him and 2 unanswered text messages, I assumed (yet again) that he had gone to the place where all men in my life seem to go, the Isle of Mute, where they are never heard from again. I moped around the house all weekend, made Gingerbread Scones (and promptly ate half of them) and made quite a dent in a bag of Hershey's Mint Truffle kisses. I browsed iTunes and downloaded some new music and TV shows, I did some Christmas shopping and avoided my phone and email. Finally I opened my email tonight and there was a message from him. His international cell service is on the fritz and he can't receive or send messages. I feel dumb (and 5lbs heavier from all that chocolate) and I wonder if I'll ever feel secure and comfortable in a relationship. I've been burned so much by men who didn't want me and just used me to bide their time between their "real" relationships that I don't know if I have it in me to believe that someone actually wants me. Tennis Guy has done everything right, he's respectful and thoughtful and is open with his affections, I can handle him being away and not seeing him often, but I can't handle my own fears of being ignored (or the appearance of being ignored). He's assured me that no matter what he would never end our relationship in that way, he's assured me that he wants to date me and build a relationship with me. This is what I've wanted my whole life. Why can't I just let myself have some faith and believe him?

Thursday, November 08, 2007

A Grand(e) Day!

The holiday Starbucks cups are out, which means one thing.......

The arrival of the PEPPERMINT MOCHA!!!

I LOVE love love these and drink at least 1 a day the entire holiday season. Yum!!!

Wednesday, November 07, 2007


I got the official rejection notice from my old job yesterday. Even though I applied months ago and had assumed I didn't get it, reading the letter made it real. I really enjoyed that kind of work and even though some of the people/politics drove me crazy, it was a picnic compared to what I have to deal with in my current situation. I thought I had a legitimate shot at getting my old job back and getting the notice and subsequently finding out that I wasn't even considered for the position really has me bummed. I would love to return to doing the kind of work I used to do, but haven't been able to get back into it. I've been out of the field now for 3 years and I guess I thought if anyone was going to hire me to do it again it would be the place I started out. Now I feel like the only chance I had is gone and I'm destined to be one of those people who floats along taking whatever entry level job anyone will hire me for. I dislike living in NY, I dislike my current position and I feel like there's no real chance of changing either one of those things any time soon.


Tuesday, November 06, 2007


I do not do well with time changes. International travel and time zone hopping of any kind mess me up for weeks. Even going to Chicago which is only an hour behind screws up my already screwy internal clock. Add in trying to be awake at odd hours to talk to Tennis Guy who is in China (13 hours ahead) and I'm not adjusting well to Daylight Saving Time at ALL.

I'm cranky, moody and sleepy!

Maybe going to the gym tonight will work out the crankiness! Hopefully I'll get out of work early enough to go!

Sunday, November 04, 2007


Between all the time zones I was in yesterday and the time change my body has NO idea what time it is, but I'm back from my trip. I had a fabulous time taking photos and relaxing. The weather was amazing, Halloween night was a blast and the Dia de los Muertos events I went to were great. All in all a fantastic trip!

Here are the decorations we put out for Halloween: (note the Halloween bunny!)

Here is Grace showing off our freshly roasted pumpkin seeds:

Here is the shadow of me (wearing a witch hat) and some of the pumpkins Grace carved:

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Where is Kai?

I'm not back yet, but will be soon. Head on over to my photo blog to take a gander at what I've been up to this past week.