Saturday, September 30, 2006


I felt like "cooking" dessert tonight, but since it's currently "The Grapes of Wrath" in my apartment I couldn't decide what to make. Flipping through my recipie book I came across something I tore out of Real Simple magazine. Raspberry Smores! Graham crackers, marshmallow, raspberries and chocolate! Pile it up, stick in the toaster oven on the broil setting and enjoy! It was heaven! I highly recommend for a quick sweet treat!

I helped a friend move to Queens from Long Island today. Driving down the roads in LI always makes me miss Illinois. Being in a car, surrounded by's very similar to the suburbs of Chicago. I miss having a car so much.....I drove a bit today and it felt so nice. Once I pay off this debt I really need to start saving for car....and for moving....I wish all that didn't seem so far away. In the meantime I'll be here eating raspbery smores.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Behold the Glory of the VCR

FINALLY I've mastered the VCR/cable box mystery and got the Greg Behrendt show to record. It's a little trashier than I was hoping.....he tries too hard sometimes to be Maury Povich circa 1999. I feel they really missed the mark with this show. First of all, it shouldn't be a daytime show. Single people aren't home to watch this at 9am on a weekday. Secondly, the traditional talk show format doesn't work for the type of information he is trying to present. This should be an evening show where he is in a different setting each week. One week he could be giving advice on approaching someone in a bar, another week he could be giving tips on how to get the most from speed dating. An evening show with a variety of practical advice in everyday situations would appeal to a wider audience and be much more engaging than this. I'll probably still watch his show for the information, but skip the topics that are trashy and overdone.

At this point I would do anything to get a decent date.....

A case of the fussies...and it's contagious.....

It seems that everyone has a case of the fussies around here lately. I hate that I'm jumping into the pool of fuss too, but I can't help but get sucked in. I'm not sleeping well at all (despite the FABULOUS new down comforter I bought at Ikea last week). I've been plagued with sleep issues since I was 15, but lately I've had a whole new set of problems. I seem to be having stress dreams....bizarre replays of events of the previous day that I play out in a variety of different endings. I'm not getting restful sleep at all, my mind continues to race, and it's been going on for weeks. If this keeps up I'm breaking out the Nyquill for some good quality Nyquill knock out sleep. I LOVE that stuff.

In other news, I got an interview for that $7 an hour intern job. Of course he wants to do it during a WORK day, when I specifically said I couldn't do, which is irritating, but I said yes and I'm taking a 1/2 day off work for it. For $7 an's so frustrating. On the one hand I feel like it's good experience since I want to get back into the event planning work after a two year hiatus, but on the other hand I'm not sure if I can work 7 days a week, potentially 60-70 hours a week. I'm already working 50 here and this would be on top of that on the nights and weekends. I'm trying to earn extra money, but at most it's a couple hundred dollars a month, so I'm not sure it's really worth it. Plus I'm wasting a half personal day just to interview, and how much is being an event intern really going to help my resume?? Ugh....I hate job hunting....

Monday, September 25, 2006

Monday Night Football

As a member of our office football pool, I have a financial interest in tonight’s Saints/Falcons game, yet my pick (the Saints) for this game was an emotional one. I truly want them to win their first game at home since Katrina. As I watch the pre-game spectacle I can’t help but recall the images of the Superdome that were played over and over again on CNN after the hurricane. I thought that watching tonight’s game would be empowering. That it would be a statement of survival and momentum, but instead I felt a completely different set of emotions. I felt anger. This location was the site of death and incredible sadness and to see it now be a site of celebration is sickening. I’m still hoping for a Saints win, but I don’t think I can watch 22 multi-millionaires play a game, and cheerleaders and fans cheer on a field that was not so long ago the site of innumerable, horrific facets of the human condition.

Life v.2.2

"There's no reason we should spend so much time pining for another version of our lives. "

A co-worker of mine said that today in a discussion we were having about loneliness. The words really resonated with me. It seems like "growing up" means always waiting for the next version of life to begin. From wanting to be "a big girl" when we are toddlers, to waiting to get our driver's license, waiting to be 21, waiting to graduate college, waiting to get a job, waiting to get married, waiting to have children....everything is about the "next" and not about the now. What scares me about being in my late 20s is that I feel like I'm growing farther away from what I want from life. Actually what scares me is that I have no control over the things I want. After college, the milestones of life aren't controllable or certain. I knew that I would learn to drive, that eventually I would turn 21, that if I worked hard enough and studied diligently I would graduate college, now I no longer "know" if I will hit the next stages of life. I don't know if I will meet someone, I don't know if I will ever have a family. The "nexts" in life are not as certain as they once were. Statistically as I get older, the likelihood of marrying dwindles significantly; physically, my ability to bear children without an increased likelihood of complications decreases; and mentally, my openness to change of routine and solitary habits diminishes, as does my hope. My co-worker has a point though. Waiting for possibility causes stagnation and a narrow view of the definition of what "a good life" is. People always say that after someone dies, "she had a good life", but what does that mean exactly? They followed a formula? education + job + marriage + kids = peaceful death?? What does education - minor academic detour + job + moving across the country for fun + job in completely unrelated field + owning a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You" equal?

Saturday, September 23, 2006

A Compliment from an Unlikely Source.....

My apartment building brings in an exterminator once a month. Today was Exterminator Saturday and it wasn't the regular guy we normally have. As the new guy was leaving after he did his thing throughout the apartment, he turned to me and said he really liked my apartment! What a great compliment...I mean this guy goes through apartments all day long, so it was pretty cool he liked mine. It always makes me very proud when people compliment my's filled with books and my photographs and everything in here I either painted, stained or made and it's very "me". So thanks to the NYC exterminator for totally making my day!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

It's SO dissapointing

When you get home all excited because you taped the new talk show by that guy who wrote "He's just not that into you" and you hit rewind on the VCR and patiently wait sitting in your PJs with a bowl of popcorn and hit "play".....and realize you've recorded 1 hour of blank screen because you forgot to leave the cable box turned on while the VCR was recording.

I REALLY need Tivo.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

It's come to this...

I applied for a second job today. A$7 an hour job as an intern....and I'm 27 years old. I just can't seem to get out of this debt from London and I don't make enough at my current job to make ends meet and get my head above water, so I'm forced to work nights and weekends at least for awhile. The problem is there aren't many jobs that are that flexible that only want someone who is available after 6pm on weeknights and on the weekends. I'm doubtful I'll find anything, but I've got to start looking. I suppose the next step is looking for alternate full-time jobs that pay more than what I make now, but with no skills and a stupid theatre lighting degree I've got to be the least marketable person in the country. I'll never stop kicking myself for majoring in something so useless. Automatically I get tossed in the "no way in hell" pile because it looks like I have an "easy" degree. Never mind the 3 days straight I stayed awake drafting that final project for TD class by HAND. Never mind the blood and sweat of working on shows on top of doing classwork and tests. Nevermind working under the pressure of having someone PAY to be an audience member of something that was your homework. I fully acknowledge that I am the worst cover letter writer ever, and that selling myself like a used car will never be a forte of mine, both of which contribute to my complete inability to gain employment through applications and resumes. In fact, I've yet to get a job based on a resume, it's all been recommendation thus far. I have an unmatched work ethic, my "easy" degree taught me incredible problem solving and multitasking skills. I've worked under rigid 8pm curtain time deadlines and never missed a one! I know what working under pressure is and have never been flummoxed, yet I can't find employment anywhere.

I'm beginning to feel like a Barbara Ehrenreich experiment.

Comments Comments!

Due to popular demand I have switched my commenting to allow anyone (not just blogger users) to comment! This applies to the photo blog as well so leave your loves, hates and thoughts!

Anyone out there?

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I dress like a librarian.....

I HATE shopping. Hate it. I need new clothes, but I can't find anything that fits and is figure flattering. I can NOT believe that those narrow leg jeans are back in fashion. They don't look good on even the skinniest of women. But of course that's what in style now and so that's what the stores have. I can't find ANY clothes that fit and shopping just makes me feel like a big cow. I love jCrew, but they've decided my size is a "special" size and they don't carry it in the stores which means you can't try it on and you have to pay shipping just to even SEE if something fits. None of the specialty stores my friends shop at carry larger sizes so whenever I go shopping with the girls at work I can't buy anything. It's so depressing. I've been sitting in front of my computer for the past hour looking at clothes only to have them not carry my size or deem me off their size charts. jCrew, the Gap, Victorias Secret and Kenneth Cole all deem my size to be not worthy of wearing their brand. I've even looked at stores that cater to larger clientele, such as Lane Bryant, but there I'm too SMALL! Are there NO people in this world that are a size 14? Am I in some bizarre twilight zone where all the clothes are either too small or too big?? It's bad enough that men won't give the time of day to any woman over a size 0, but even major clothing manufacturers don't acknowledge those of us who are bigger. Project Runway recently did a challenge they called "real women" which meant designing for their family members (some of whom were larger than the size 0-2 models they usually work with. The designers got to choose their subjects and the "plus size" women were of course chosen last. The designers clearly had no training in design for anyone with a non-model body and all came up with shapeless outfits with no attention to detail or design. I suppose I'm just ranting.....I should shut up, go work out and get tiny enough to gain the respect of men and body type worthy of wearing Kenneth Cole. It's just too bad I'm not considered human in the mean time.

Monday, September 18, 2006

It hurts!

I'm a reasonable person. I'm rational and practical and have a good head on my shoulders, but I have a confession to make. I'm am terrified of doctors/dentists, so I don't go....Ever. On the extreme rare occassions I have gone, I shake, my heart pounds and I feel nauseaous. My mother asked me a few months ago under what circumstances I WOULD voluntarily go to the doctor under and my answer was "I would have to be unconcious". It isn't smart, it isn't healthy, but I truly can NOT deal with the trauma of going to the doctor, so it's been years since I've seen either.

My wisdom teeth have been cutting in for over 10 years now. I've dealt with the pain in a variety of ways, downing IB profin every few hours, slathering on the Ambesol and even getting a baby teething ring to hold against my gums, but nothing is working any more. My general health policy is "everything eventually goes away" which has worked for me up until now, but I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with the constant throbbing pain in my gums. If this is what babies go through when they are teething I have absolute sympathy for them. No wonder they scream their heads off.

Maybe it will eventually go away.....

I went to the ZOO!

Finally the weather was nice (hurrah for the end of the rain!) here and I got out yesterday and went to the zoo with some people from work. I didn't really get any good photos though, I seem to be having a bit of a focus problem and some of my shots came out overexposed. I put some up on my photo site, but I'll be adjusting them tonight a bit and seeing if I can sharpen the up and play with the color a bit. I think it's been so long since I've seen sunlight that I wasn't aware of how bright it was outside, hence the overexposure. I REALLY need a better lens though..I'm feeling very limited by the one I have, but my computer is on it's last leg and that will have to be dealt with first. Bleah.

I was going to skip going home for Thanksgiving this year, but I found out that for the first year in a LONG while, everyone in my family is going home this year so if I don't go I'll be the only one not there. I'm not big on the whole Thanksgiving meal...I don't eat meat and my dad puts sausage on the stuffing, so basically I end up travelling 900 miles to eat green beans and a roll. My meal at Christmas is pretty much the same, except sometimes they put bacon in the greenbeans so then I'm there for the applesauce and roll. I get better food on the plane. LOL

Thursday, September 14, 2006

A long week....

and it's not even over. Bleah.

My dad seems to be doing better since his surgery, but I can't shake the feeling that he isn't telling us the whole story, and I worry he's not recovering as well as he claims he is. It's so hard to see your parents get older. I knew it was coming I suppose, but I wasn't prepared. I'm the oldest, I'm supposed to be the strong one who can handle these things, but I'm not and I can't. It's stupid, but it's times like this when I miss having a man around the be the solid one, the one to help me through the hard stuff. When my grandfather died suddenly I fell apart and wasn't coherent for dad, an only child, was a rock. He helped with arrangements and took care of his mom. I know that I don't have it in me to be that strong when the time comes and I worry about what will happen.

Things at work have been stressful lately...I made a mistake at work earlier this week, when the owner of the company brought it to my attention, I swiftly rectified it by sending an email to my contact over there LadyA and had the situation under control. My lawyer boss found out about it and jumped into "fixer" mode and exhausted his contacts at the company I made the error at, who ultimately told him the solution was to send an email to LadyA. He then sent an email to the owner of the company (and 3 other big wigs) saying that I would send an email to LadyA and fix the situation. AFTER I HAD ALREADY SENT AN EMAIL TO LADYA like 3 HOURS BEFORE! now I look incompetant and like I couldn't fix a problem when things got tough. It's so frustrating....I feel like I have no credibility at that company, even though I put in the late hours and never take days off and do everything that is asked. Rargh.

Got Farenheit 9/11 to watch tonight. I probably shouldn't watch it with Aaron in Iraq......but nothing else the Library had caught my eye. I did renew the Clinton biography and get a travel book for DC while I was there, so the Library probably has me on watch for being some sort of liberal political activist. Oh well. I've been called worse.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I'm going to DC!

I've been wanting to go to DC to get some photos and I'm finally planning my trip! I mentioned to a coworker that I was hoping to get down there and she asked if she could tag along, two other girls from work are also coming and we're making a girls weekend of it. I'm really excited, it should be a great trip and I think it's just what I need to snap me out of my artistic slump I've been experiencing since London. Keep your fingers crossed I get some good photos out of the trip!!

Monday, September 11, 2006


There was a statistic in today's paper that said that 90% of the people polled still remember where they were when they heard about the September 11, 2001 attacks. I was living in Illinois and I was in bed. As an incurable insomniac, I had only been in bed a few hours and I recall thinking as I turned over angrily to answer the ringing phone "it's too bloody early for phone calls, someone better be dead". I'd take those words back in a heartbeat now if I could. Even now, 5 years later when I'm awoken by the phone, my heart races and my mouth goes dry. The worst case scenario flashes through my mind.

It was my friend Caryn on the phone, telling me to turn the TV on. As she started to explain what was happening, terrorism was the furthest thing from my mind. I thought it was a fluke plane malfunction or case of pilot disorientation. Then the second plane hit, and I had to face that this was no accident. A third plane hit the Pentagon and you started to wonder what was next. I was working as an event planner for a major university at the time, and eventually I was called into work to start putting together an impromptu memorial service. With my family in New York and not everyone accounted for yet, I asked to be excused from having to attend and oversee the event. I wasn't ready to memorialize anything yet. I needed to focus on the living. I remember rushing home to watch CNN as soon as I could. Over the coming days and months and now years I've watched the same images over and over again. I've never gotten used to them or become immune to them, and I hope I never do.

I visited NY from Illinois in March of 2002, 6 months after the attack. Flying was still difficult then, but I felt it was important I come out here. CDC was with me on that trip and I remember him dragging me to a computer store in lower Manhattan. We were on the 4th or 5th floor of the store and I remember walking past the window that overlooked the site. The view of the debris and massive hole in a city of wall to wall structures was very jarring and it's an image that sticks with me still. Before I returned to Illinois from that trip, I bought a 9/11 photography book. My favorite photographer James Nachtwey has some of the most striking shots from that day and even though I knew it was a book I would rarely look at because of the emotions it evoked, I thought it was important to own. When I was packing the book wouldn't fit in my suitcase, so I stuffed it in the pocket of my carryon. Back then they were screening your bags at the gate again before you boarded the plane. The TSA woman who went through my bag pulled the book out and started flipping through the pages. I stood there waiting to board the plane as she soaked up the images, just as I had done in the bookstore. With a sad sigh, she turned the last page, returned my book to my bag and I got on the plane.

I live in New York City now. The sound and sight of low flying planes still makes everyone stop and look up, just for a second. I think in this city it always will. We've seen the worst case scenario and we know it could happen again.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Crazy Thursday

Boss is back at work....the day started off absolutely insane, but got quieter as the day went on. My brain has been on sensory overload all day and I'm looking forward to getting home and being in a no-music, phone off, no email beeping in environment for awhile. Thank goodness Friday is near. I had plans to go to the DADA exhibit at MOMA this weekend but my friend I was going with blew me off so I doubt I'll go. A friend of a friend is having a jazz concert on Sunday I may go to....I need to learn to resist the urge to spend entire weekends at home in bed....getting out at least once in 48 hours is good for the soul.

I miss having a creative job. I had to work on a project with the art department this morning and watching my coworker work in photoshop and illustrator had me wistful for the days of having a job that made me "think". Once again the ugly notion of returning to school started to seep into my brain, but I wouldn't know what to major in, I can't afford it and a million other practical reasons flooded my momentary wistful thought. An evening or weekend continuing ed class may be more attainable, but it seems a waste of money if I'll never use the skills.....I should at least take Photoshop though, but first I need a new computer. A helpful hint, don't drop your laptop onto your hardwood floors....they don't bounce well.

I got another wedding annoucement from a guy I new in college today.....just furthering my belief that my quest for marriage and a family is unattainable. I wish I wasn't so sensitive to seeing people in love, or couples on the street. It's something that has gotten worse the older I get. I feel like an awful person, seeing other people be happy shouldn't make me sad, but it does. I saw two people in Grand Central the other morning making out like teenagers (and believe me they were NOT teenagers) and I tried to remember the last time I was even kissed....needless to say it's been a LONG while. I just can't shake the "it's never gonna happen" feeling and it's hard not to let it get me down.

It doesn't help things that I've been going through an artistic slump I haven't been able to get a good shot of ANYTHING and it's upsetting me more than I like to admit. Taking photos is the only thing I feel I've ever been even a little bit good at and if I lose that I'm not sure where that leaves me....

Hmm maybe I just have the post-summer blues.....anyone know a good cure?

Monday, September 04, 2006

Lost it....

Tried taking photos the past few days, but just couldn't get anything good. Looking at my regular sites for inspiration just makes me feel wildly inadequate. I've lost my groove and want it back!

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Happy pre-Labor Day. I spent yesterday during the remnants of some hurricane outside at the Yankeees game. I'm a Mets fan, but had always wanted to see Yankee stadium, so when a friend asked me to go, I jumped at the chance. Yankees lost after calling the game in the 8th inning due to the weather. Today I've lazed around and avoided doing laundry. Hopefully the laundry place will be open tomorrow or else it's gonna be a dire clothing situation. Day 3 and no word from Hot bar boy. Ah well. It was a longshot I suppose.

Did some more work on my photo site today. I added some more photos from London and a link to my post on inspiration. I changed the date of this inspiration post so it's in the archives, but wanted a link on the main page. I'm thinking I may need to move off blogger and get a new site, but I have no idea how to do all that, so I'll have to do some reading. Looks like it's time for me to brush up on my HTML.......Anyone got any good book recommendations for learning website stuff?

Friday, September 01, 2006

The Morning After......

The MTV VMA party.....mad hangover but the party was fun. I met a HOT guy at the bar . We spent like 3 hours chatting and he gave me the sweetest goodnight kiss on the cheek and asked for my email address, so we shall see if I hear from him. It was a bar meeting so the odds of a call back are pretty slim, but I have to admit I hold out hope. He was pretty cool. I totally missed most of the show though....I'll have to catch the replay. It was for a good cause though. Hot men are always a good excuse to blow off work.