Saturday, October 22, 2005

Thoughts from a Flushing Starbucks

A week from now I will be in New Mexico for my vacation. I am so looking forward to being around my friend, being in a beautiful state and for getting to sleep in and not have to go to work. It truly will be the perfect vacation.

As my trip gets closer I realize even more how lonely I am in NY. I accept my solitude, but also acknowledge that there is a balance missing in my life. There are days I wish I had someone to go shopping with, or to the movies. I miss sitting in cafes with someone and having the kind of conversations that only seem to take place over coffee. I eat out alone. Go to movies alone. Shop alone. Even coffee is a solitary act for me.

To be honest, I'm not a huge fan of humanity and people in general. It's unpredictable and in my mind, unpredictability=pain. I like things I can understand, things that have reason. People don't generally fall in that category. That's why love is so hard for me to grasp. It has no explaination or formula. The "Why?" never gets answered even in the deepest of feelings. There is a security in the why that I never get from love and in turn I don't trust it.

I suppose in time I will learn to reason less and feel more. Observe less and do more. Think less and love more.

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