Friday, December 29, 2006

My Meta-life

Family togetherness is over and I have escaped to the suburbs for the last few days of my vacation. My friend I'm staying with went out of town for a few days, so I'm left to collect my thoughts and can reflect on my trip a bit more. There is nothing like going home to force yourself to face your harshest insecurities. For me, being at my parent's house is like being in the audience of a play. The actress (played by your much younger sister) gets to act out all of your dreams and you can do nothing but sit there and watch. The brunch my parents held for the family of her boyfriend was just one of the many interfamily get-togethers they have had over the years. The two sets of parents have spent New Years together, shopped together, had meals together. It is not just the four of us any more. I think aside from the tinge of jealousy I feel that my sister has this huge life experience that I've never had even the slightest hint of (a successful relationship), what bothers me most is that it signifies change. Holidays have now doubled in size. My precious vacation days will now be spent making awkward conversation with my sister's (future) in-laws. Family photos will now be 2 couples and then "the extra" me. For the rest of my life I will have to watch my sister play out the life I've always wanted for myself and I have no idea how to be happy for her and not be sad for myself at the same time.


Anonymous said...

Oh Kai....not for the rest of your life. Just for now. Luckily, my siblings came alone - otherwise, it would have been me being the extra in the photos.

Kai said...

Thanks Jenn....Hopefully it is just for now...if not I suppose I can always get a dog. :-)