I've been thinking lately a lot about what I want. What things we chose to lable "want", what we label "fantasy". How we know what true want is. I'm constantly reminded that even the ability to have want is a luxury. For some the "wants" list is as simple as food or safety. Things many of us take for granted.
I hide my true desires a lot. Even from myself. As much as I say the opposite, I truly do want love out of life. I claim to be commitment phobic, but it's just a slipcover for rejection phobic. I don't want to love and not be loved in return anymore. There is no worse feeling in the world than unrequited love. Very few people can love without the expectation of it in return.
I fear that loving someone changes who you are. I fear being altered before I know who I am. I fear being altered after I hold that knowledge.