Some thoughts on dating..

Now I'm not a person who actually gets asked out on dates, and actually can't even remember the last time I had anything even resembling a date, but lately I've been thinking about dating and the various ways that people meet and fall in love. When you meet someone on-line or go on a blind date, you go into the experience with all these expectations of "Mr. Ideal" and it's easy to write the person off when they don't possess all the qualities you have in your head that you are looking for. I truly is a job interview of sorts, the job being "husband". When you meet someone in a different context, at work, school, on the street, you don't have a preconceieved label for them in mind already. You take your time, you get to know them slowly and fully and a relationship of definition forms on its own (acquaintance, boyfriend, friend, strange guy I'll never talk to again, etc.).

Patience truly is a virtue. I know I am sometimes guilty of looking for labels and not for people. I'm guilty of having an ideal in my head that I'm starting to realize isn't that important to me. There is a new book out called "The Year of Yes" where this woman decided that for a year she would go out with every man who asked, no matter what. Now granted this woman got asked out more times in this one year than I'll be asked out in a lifetime, but the concept is intriquing. I haven't read the book yet, but apparently she did end up marrying one of the guys she normally would have rejected "on spec". I wonder sometimes if the quest for Mr. Ideal causes us to lose our open mind about people. We stop looking at people as a whole person and instead section them out into "things we like about them" and "things we don't like about them" categories, instead of remembing how they make us feel. The older I get the harder the struggle between practicality and emotion becomes. It's a fight to think less and feel more. I just hope its worth it in the end.....

Caryn's post regarding songs that spur memories has gotten me thinking about my own soundtrack of life. My earliest music memory is Peter, Paul and Mary's "Right Field" (that may not be the exact title). It's this song about a boy relegated to playing right field during a baseball game and how boring he thinks it is ("....I'm here in right field just watching the dandelions grow") I always thought it was funny and as I was playing softball at the time and hated playing outfield I could definitely commiserate. High school was my angst rock phase, so anything Nirvana or Stone Temple Pilots makes me laugh in remembrance of my former self. My first "love" if you can even call it that now in high school and I also danced to Chicago's "You're the Inspiration" so that song still and forever will tug at my heartstrings. College and post-college definitely have the most diverse playlists...No matter where I am, if I hear Dave Matthews Band I always think of Curt. I'll never forget our "date" at the lake, lying in the sun in the grass in eachothers arms, watching the ducks. It's been years since I talked to him, but DMB always takes me back. Working in the Events department at KCPA brought a whole new genre in the mix. I cringe at the sound of a Cassandra Wilson song remembering the terror of my experience with her. The LA Guitar Quartet spawns sweeter memories, as does Beethoven's String Quartets. And of course whenever I hear the ending song that was played during The Colored Museum a whole flood of memories both good and bad come back.

I work at a record label now, and I'm sure in years to come, the songs I hear on a daily basis will bring about memories of my years here. It's an interesting thought, knowing that what you hear today will be your memory of tomorrow.

A Misc. Update.....

I've been a blog slacker lately and for that I appologize. I haven't been writing at all lately. The words are stuck inside for some reason. You know when you start cleaning out your closet and you just pull everything out and put it in a huge pile on the floor so you can start sorting through it, that's how I feel......like clothes in a heap on the floor. Like scrabble letters that no matter how hard you try, you just can't make a word out of.

In other news, I almost set my office on fire this morning. It's unusually cold in our building today so I plugged my heater in, turned it on and it started to spark and fill the room with smoke. I managed to unplug it, but the charred plastic smell still lingers.

I've been flying a lot lately...mostly the Fri - Sun late night NY-Chicago flight....I'm starting to get used to it and I'm seeing some of the same people. I swear I've even had the same flight attendant the past two times. It's been a rough few months for me and being surrounded by the people who know me best has been unbelievably helpful, even if I have to fly 900 miles once a month to see them. I was lucky to find such amazing friends in high school and college..there's a bond I think you make at that age that withstands time and circumstance. Or maybe I just like the single serving of pretzles you get on the plane...

No news on the love front....I declared 2006 my year off from dating and its still holding strong. 20 days into January I think it's been the New Years resolution I've kept the longest. I fully reserve the right to recind my declaration if some hottie wants to take me to dinner though. I love New Years resolutions that come with disclaimers LOL.

That's about it, I think you are all caught up. If you need to reach me try the 9:34pm Friday night shuttle to Chicago. I'm usually near the back on the aisle.

Do you ever feel like you are incomplete? Like you are a bunch of scrabble letters that don't make a word no matter how hard you try?

That's how I feel.

Another great site for booklovers!!!!!

www.bookins.com

Here's a pic of the group I went out to dinner with on Friday night. My friend from work is the guy standing next to me (the only white girl in the pic) and his brother is to his left.

Despite fighting a nasty beginning of the year cold, I went out to dinner with a co-worker (a cute Asian one I have a bit of a crush on!!!) and some of his friends last night. I didn't know a single person other than my co-worker so it was a bit awkward, but it was ok. I spent most of the evening talking to my co-worker's brother (very cute until I found out he was only 22!), but I did manage to be social and interact with everyone at some point. The whole large group thing (there were 8 of us) is just not for me. I've always avoided parties and group outings......I'm not really sure why. I've never been a people person. Social gatherings and even the most basic of human interactions makes me nauseous. I've been that way for as long as I can remember. I wonder if its because I moved around a lot as a child, I went to two different grade schools, two different high schools.....I'd make friends and then shortly thereafter have to say goodbye. The age of cell phones and email wasn't born yet, so inevitably I'd lose touch. You get tired of always starting over, always being afraid of having to say goodbye so you just stop trying. The four years I went to college were the longest I had ever lived in one place consecutively. I never learned how to form relationships with people that lasted, I learned to fear the inevitable goodbye and avoid it. Even now, in control of the fate of my address I still can't let go of the past and I keep myself at a distance from people and relationships of any kind. I wonder if to me people will always = pain...........

A friend turned me on to this site and I LOVE it! Finally a way to keep track of what books I own online!!!!

www.librarything.com

If you want to view my book collection the link is:

http://www.librarything.com/catalog.php?view=kainyc

2005

This year I look into 2006 with feelings of trepidation. 2005 showed us a year of chaos, destruction and of great loss. I find myself not looking to 2006 to be a year of major advances or grand possibility, but instead I look for it to be the year of recovery.

Still recouping the losses of the late 2004 Tsunami, the losses of 2005 were just as devastating and came in many forms. We lost pieces of history with the destruction of New Orleans and the passing of a civil rights icon, a major news anchor, a Supreme Court Justice and the Pope. The war in Iraq claimed 2,161 lives, Hurricanes Katrina and Rita 1,383, the London bombings 37.

NYC had yet another year of chaos. Transit workers walked off the job and left millions (myself included) without their usual method of commute. As per usual, we overcame by whatever means necessary, we carpooled, we walked (7 miles in 20 degree weather across the 59^th Street Bridge). We brought back the art of hitch hiking.

My own circle of loved ones had a year of major life shifts including two marriages, a cross-country move and a beautiful new baby. My own life contained a cross-borough move and end of a relationship.

All in all for me it was a year that taught the importance of giving. Whether it be of my self, my time or my money, giving to those less fortunate is an important lesson to remember, not just post destructive events, but for those who have been born into a life without basic human needs and means.

I look at 2006 as a year for myself. To work on myself and become closer to the person I want to be. I’m letting go of love and relationships for the year and declaring it the year to be single and remain focused on becoming a richer person not for someone else, but for my self.

2006 will definitely be the year of recovery. For me I will reclaim my sense of self, for some they will reclaim their jobs and homes and still other will reclaim their lives after losses of many different forms.

Happy New Year. May the upcoming 365 days fulfill some wishes, create new desires and bring much happiness to all.