Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Maybe writing it will help me get over it.....

I had my second date with Traveler Guy last Friday. Started out rough, he was 45 minutes late, but it was due to train issues, so I let it slide because he was so apologetic. We had a good time over wine and dessert at this wine and chocolate bar I've been wanting to check out and then sat in a nearby park talking and kissing. A near perfect date.


He commented he would walk me to the train, which I thought meant he was going to leave me at the station, but by the time I realized he had meant he was walking me HOME, I panicked and got too embarrassed/felt too guilty he was going out of his way to say no. I was so completely oblivious to his intentions. I should have known better and been able to say no, but I wasn't. I let him come home with me and ended up hooking up with him.

This is an ALL TOO COMMON pattern with me. I've done this countless times in the past. I'm afraid of turning a guy off or making him mad he came all the way only to deny him that I go against my better judgement and just give in to what THEY want. I ignore what I want and what feels right for me out of fear of rejecting the all to rare positive male attention I receive.
I know I should talk about this with my therapist, but I'm still in the "too embarrassed to admit I'm promiscuous/making bad choices etc." phase of therapy.

Ugh. I hate that feeling of going against myself. I even asked him if he wants to hang out tomorrow and he said he would. Stupid Stupid Stupid.

I'm 30. When will I ever learn?

1 comment:

ccw said...

Personally, I think you are being too hard on yourself. Having sex early on in a relationship or when you are newly dating does not make you promiscuous or someone incapable of making a good decision. (Read that again and believe it)

However, if you really don't want to have sex with someone but are doing it anyway then you probably should take it up with your therapist. Can you imagine the things a therapist hears? I doubt there is much one could say to shock. Talking about this might embarrass you but I'm sure you'll feel better once you start.

I'm sorry that you are hurting. ((Kai))