Well this evening I've done a little better on the productivity scale. I cleaned the bathroom, dusted and did the floors in the living room and paid bills. I still need to tackle that pesky resume, but maybe that's best left for tomorrow. It's still early though, I may still get to it.

My parents are considering moving......to Tennessee. I have such mixed emotions about them moving. I knew at some point they would want to move out of the huge house they live in now and get something smaller, but I guess I hoped they would stay in the same area. I don't know why it matters to me so much, we moved around so much when I was young, nowhere ever really felt like home, but they have been in this house 10 years now. I only lived there for 2 and then moved out. I guess part of it is I feel like I'll never see them. TN isn't really a place I feel excited about visiting. I'm pretty much an indoors girl and where they want to go is pretty rural. My dad is excited about camping and fishing and hiking through retirement and who knows what my mom will do out there. I wish I could get a handle on why I'm so upset about their impending move, but it feels strange. I guess it's just my usual inability to handle change.

Rescue Me is filming YET AGAIN in my neighborhood. It was cool the first five times or so, but now it's getting old. I'll have to tape the show one day and see if you can see my neighborhood. It must be a common shot, they are out here all the freaking time. Isn't that show about fires? How many times can the same building burn?

I accomplished absolutely nothing last night. I blew off the gym, and promised myself I would at least do some freeweight exercises in front of the TV and didn't. I was supposed to dig out the resume and start doing research and didn't. I was going to clean the bathroom and didn't. Instead I sat idly on the couch, laptop on lap, chatting online and blog browsing. Rargh. Darn all you people with interesting blogs!

I'm thinking of moving back to Illinois. I miss my friends, my family, having a car.....and basic conveniences like not having to carry your laundry down the street and a local grocery store that actually sells food. My target date is next summer, but really it will come down to finding a job and saving up enough money. Even though I know it will be 100x harder to find a job with a NY address, I think I have to secure a job this time before moving. When I moved to NY I did it with no job and I blew through almost my entire savings during those 7 months I didn't work at all, this time I have to be more practical. I need to get my resume together now and start putting it out there. I found an old version in my archives and need to work on it. I absolutely loathe resumes. My education and job history are less than cohesive and I really only have worked for two places my entire life. 1 in IL and 1 in NY, so my resume is painfully short. My education is in theatre lighting design, my IL job was event planning and my NY job is in entertainment law. Making that look cohesive on a resume is nearly impossible, especially since I want to get back into event planning type of work. I'm considering having a resume writing service help me with my resume, though someone told me they really do more formatting and less content, so now I'm not sure. Formatting is the part I can do, it's content that I always am incapable of coming up with. I need to do more research and at least come up with a draft this week. God I hate job hunting.....I suck at resumes and am an absolutely disaster at interviews. Bleah. Wish me luck.

Back from Chicago. I ended up having a fantastic weekend. I'm actually kind of bummed to be home. Hung out with my friend Erik and his husband Tom on Saturday which was cool. They told me they are moving to LA though and I'm crushed! I'll definitely miss them. Erik and I ended up taking his puppy to the park and had so much fun reminicing and playing with the dog. I realize how little time I spend outside here in NY. I rarely go to the park or even take a walk in my neighborhood. I've become such an indoors girl. Saturday night I spent with Chicago boy.....he came out of hiding and we had a really great time together, laughing and talking and joking around/giving eachother a hard time. It was so nice. Sometimes I can't tell if I make up in my head the thought that he likes me, or if I make up in my head the thought that he DOESN'T like me. lol

Now I'm back at home with the day off. I LOVE random weekdays off. I can stay in my pjs all day, watch bad talk shows and eat whatever I want. What a great weekend.

I found the ultimate cure for a broken heart....

IT'S FLEET WEEK IN NYC! Hundreds of sailors on leave wandering the streets!!!! Hurrah Hurrah!

Sometimes I don't think before I talk...

A quote I said to the guy at the deli making my lunch:

"could I get extra pickles on that? What can I say, I'm a girl who loves her pickles!"


hangs head in shame....

How come day 2 after working out always feels worse than day 1? On Tuesday I went to the gym for the first time after a 6+ week hiatus, Wednesday I was sore, but still mobile (and didn't work out), today I feel like I got ran over by a truck. I plan on going to the gym again tonight, so hopefully I'll be able to loosen things up. I absolutely hate going to the gym, luckily a gym membership is part of our benefits at work, so a couple of us women get together and go. It really helps having work-out buddies. I definitely need the external motivation.

I've been wondering lately how people come across my site (or if anyone besides me even reads it). I know I could get one of those creepy stat counter things, but it's bad enough the government is tracking our phone calls and the FBI is rading congressional offices, I don't want to invade the privacy of my potenial reader(s) by stalking their internet usage. Feel free to leave me comments if you do read! I'm tough, I can handle the good, the bad and the ugly.

I'm supposed to leave for Chicago tomorrow....Normally by Thursday I'm counting down the hours, but this time I'm not. Maybe things will be better once I get there. Thankfully I'm coming back on Sunday afternoon and have Monday off from work, so at least I have part of my weekend just to veg at home. Chicago boy is still MIA....sigh. Someone pass me an Apple Martini.

When did I become part of the "hand stamp/paper bracelet" culture?

I went to a show one of our bands was playing tonight. They were literally playing around the corner from work, so I felt obligated to go. It was a decent show, I wish the band had a bigger following, but for some reason it just hasn't taken off. We aren't required to attend the concerts, but most people go and it's definitely noticed if you aren't there. In my last performance review concert attendance/networking was my only deficient area, so I try to go to as many shows as I can now. I can't really complain. I'm basically getting paid to stand around and drink Apple Martinis.

The boy I have been flying to Chicago to see is suddenly MIA. He's been vauge about plans, emails aren't returned, messages go unanswered. I'm not stupid, I get the hint. I rarely find someone who I can see myself being with long term, but with him I felt it and I'm sad I never got to find out what could have been. Sigh. I'm supposed to fly out again in two days and now I have no plans for the weekend at all. Anyone in the Chicago area want to hang out?


How DO you get these damn paper bracelet things off?

100 Things About Kai

Ok, so I know I'm like the last person to do this, but better late than never I suppose.

1. I love dark chocolate covered strawberries.
2. I am an extremely picky eater, there are very few things I will eat.
3. I bought my first purse at the age of 26.
4. I broke a rib once falling off a chair I was standing on trying to get a book off a bookshelf in my parents' library.
5. I can't live without post-it flags.
6. I never wear make-up, but my toenails are always painted red.
7. I hate flying during daylight and try only to fly late at night.
8. I went to two different high schools and will never forgive my dad for moving me during those years.
9. I am a white girl who thinks Asian men are HOT.
10. I have never in my 27 years had anyone ever call me their girlfriend.
11. I don't understand the "high" people say they get when they work out. Working out doesn't make me "high" it makes me hungry.
12. It bums me out when people don't notice when I get new glasses.
13. I get new glasses at least twice a year.
14. Taking photographs is the only thing I've ever felt good at.
15. I love the Food Network, even though I can't cook anything.
16. I've seriously considered hiring someone to cook dinner for me so I don't have to eat out 7 days a week.
17. I have a huge crush on Anderson Cooper.
18. I make a huge deal out of my birthday and like it when other people do too.
19. I went through my college graduation ceremony, even though I didn't technically graduate until two years later.
20. I've had the same bathing suit since I was 16...and I've only worn it a handful of times.
21. I like swimming but hate having to be that naked in public.
22. I have a 401k, but have no idea what it is or how to get my money.
23. I am deathly afraid of needles.
24. Massages make me tense and I hate both giving and getting them
25. Sometimes I eat pizza 4 days a week.
26. I've never called in sick because I was actually sick.
27. I can't live without caller ID
28. I refuse to buy anything from amazon.com because I think their "prime" program is elitist. I shouldn't have to be in a special club to get my stuff on time.
29. I can't stand people who use "street talk".
30. But I use the phrase "true that" way too often.
31. Doctors scare me and I almost never go voluntarily.
32. I don't handle disappointment well.
33. I can function perfectly on no sleep for several days.
34. I eat ice cream with a fork
35. I've never played air hockey
36. My grandfather taught me how to play cards and I almost never lose.
37. Boys won't play cards with me because of it.
38. I never answer the doorbell, even if I'm home (unless I'm expecting someone).
39. I'm a neat freak, but I almost never make my bed.
40. I hate sleeping alone.
41. Stupid-funny movies irritate me (anything with Jim Carey/Adam Sandler etc.)
42. I hate staying in hotels.
43. I keep my apartment very dark, I always have to remember to turn lights on when people come over.
44. I hate carrying an umbrella, I would rather just get wet.
45. Crooked pictures drive me crazy. I go around various restaurants, people's homes, libraries etc. straightening them.
46. My wisdom teeth were supposed to be taken out 10 years ago, but I chickened out and just deal with the pain of teething.
47. I went to my senior prom with some guy I met at Taco Bell.
48. I will never set foot in another Taco Bell
49. The only perfume I will wear is Romance by Ralph Lauren
50. Gerber Daisies are my favorite flower.
51. I've never gotten flowers from anyone...ever.
52. I always read the sections of the paper in a specific order. If someone else is reading my next section, I wait.
53. I get anxious if I don't know what time it is.
54. It only takes me 15 minutes to get ready for work in the morning.
55. I have "empty box syndrome". I almost always keep the box that things come in, so I have it when I move.
56. I moved 6 times in my childhood.
57. I have the same thing for breakfast almost every morning - Poptarts.
58. In my lifetime I've had 3 dogs (only one at a time), Moon, Anton and Ginger.
59. When I was in First Grade, my cousin used to drive me to school everyday in his Mustang.
60. that was the last time I was ever "cool"
61. That cousin and I have the same birth date May 13.
62. I loathe Fox news and won't even be in the same room if it's on.
63. I own over 300 books, and I've read all but 2
64. I read the White House press briefing transcripts...because I think they are funny.
65. I hate wearing shorts and don't even own a pair.
66. All the keys on my keyring have to face the same direction.
67. I do my taxes by hand, I'm too cheap to even use Turbo Tax.
68. I refuse to ride the bus.
69. All but 2 photographs up in my apartment, I took.
70. I never tell people who come over that I took them.
71. Sometimes I type too fast for my computer and it takes a second for it to catch up.
72. I love my label maker, everything in my house is obsessively labeled.
73. If I could eat only one food for the rest of my life it would be tiramisu.
74. I love putting the little check mark next to my completed tasks in Outlook.
75. I own lots of beautiful jewelry, but never wear any of it because I hate looking "accessorized".
76. The only thing I miss (aside from my friends) about living in the Midwest is central air conditioning .
77. I am incapable of flirting. I once used a Lord of the Flies reference as a pick-up line. It didn't go over very well.
78. I won't read certain books/magazines on the train because I don't want people to think I'm vacuous.
79. I hate it when people use dinner and diner incorrectly in writing.
80. I've only worked at two places my entire life.
81. I am excellent at holding a grudge.
82. I didn't vote for the first time until the 2004 election.
83. My screen name (kaibigan) means friend in Tagalog.
84. I hate shaking hands with people.
85. My refrigerator contains nothing but Diet Dr. Pepper, ketchup and a jar of pickles.
86. I don't have a take-out menu drawer, I have a take-out menu binder, separated into sections by cuisine type with each section in alphabetical order.
87. I can't go anywhere without chapstick.
88. People who automatically know where North/South/East/West are without using a compass intimidate me.
89. I love a good snowball fight.
90. Even though I don't use AOL anymore, I still pay for it.
91. I like Pepsi better than Coke
92. My favorite song is Winter by Tori Amos.
93. Ironing is very cathartic for me.
94. My handwriting is all capital letters, a carryover from my days as a draftsperson.
95. I absolutely hate having my picture taken.
96. 6 months after getting my driver's license I backed into a friends car while she was in the passenger's seat next to me. The insurance company laughed at me. hard.
97. I won't buy holidays versions of my favorite candy (with the exception of York peppermint "batties" at Halloween) because I don't like cutesy food.
98. I couldn't swallow pills until I was 16.
99. I thought I was a boring person until I filled this out.
100. Thinking of 100 things about myself took me 4 days.

Home?

Every time I return to NY after visiting my parents, I realize how much I miss my stuff while I’m gone. I guess it’s not my bed and books and photographs I miss, but my sense of self. I never felt free growing up to be who I was, or even to explore who I was. I’ve always lived by their definition of who I was, and it’s only been these past few years that I’ve lived in NY that I have felt like I’ve gained some independence. I know I am much too old to worry about the judgment of my parents, but I do. I won’t get the tattoo I want for fear of disownment, I still hide my Asian Erotica book and take down my photos when they come to visit. I endured endless mocking from my mom and sibling in the mall this past weekend because I was looking at purses, things with pink on them and shirts in colors and patterns other than black and flannel. Now I admit, I went through my various tomboy phases in high school. I spent the earlier parts of high school dressed like a burglar and the latter parts dressed like an extra in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. The evolution to the purse carrying, skirt wearing, yet still anti-make-up wearing person I am now was a slow one, but I’m here and I’m ready to take on Sephora. They will never see the evolution, partly because they refuse to and partly because I hide pockets of my true self from them. I wish I didn’t fear the look of disappointment as much as I do.

I often wonder if I’m missing the “girly” gene. I can wield a paintbrush on canvas, yet when it comes to putting make-up on my face I always end up looking like Tammy Faye Baker. The two times I’ve attempted to use my kitchen for anything more complicated than a TV dinner, I have started a fire. I don’t get the overwhelming urge to host holidays. Love Story didn’t make me cry.

I wonder sometimes if I will be able to be a good wife or mother. My kids would beg to eat at “Johnny’s house” because his mom doesn’t set the smoke alarm off making a meal. Care packages to camp would never get mailed because the post office scares me. Thanksgiving will entail reservations at AppleBees. I wonder sometimes if being adopted somehow made me miss out on instinctual parenting skills. I am fascinated by reading “mommy blogs” these days. This time of year is hard in that regard for me, especially the days surrounding Mother’s Day. I’m drawn to reading about Mothers and their children and seeing how their stories play out and wondering how my own story would have played out. They told me I would get over it, but I haven’t and I know in my heart I never will.

A sense of “home” is a very foreign concept to me. It isn’t New York, it isn’t where my parents life, it isn’t where I spent my youth….none of those places give me the sense of comfort and acceptance I feel is the essence of what “home” is. I worry that if I can’t create it for my self, I won’t be able to create it for my own family. If only I could stitch one of those “Home is where you heart is” pillows, but alas my sewing skills are worse than my cooking skills and they usually involve massive blood loss.

My run-in with the law.....

After getting home last night at 3am and going to bed at 4:30, I somehow managed to drag myself out of bed this morning and make it to work at my normal time. When I stepped off the elevator the security alarm was going off and two of my co-workers were standing there attempting to shut it off. In my very hungover state I managed to enter my code and get it to stop going off. As I turned to crawl my way to the coffee maker the elevator doors open and in walked two NYPD officers. One of them being absolutely GORGEOUS. They were perfectly nice about the situation once we explained that we had tripped the alarm and the cute one kept asking questions about our record label and the music. A co-worker gave them some CDs and they went on their way. On his way out, the cute one looked at me and said "if you ever need anything just set your alarm off and I'll come back". I managed to avoid lunging for the alarm box and hitting the panic button. Sigh...coupled with my earlier incident with the NYFD hottie in the grocery store, I can definitely say they are New York's finest....

It's nearly 3am and I'm sitting on my couch eating bread and watching old episodes of Murphy Brown on Nick at Night........insomnia sucks.

Wasn't this an episode of Friends? UPDATED

Since returning from my trip last night, I have noticed a peculiar squeak/beep (hereinafter referred to as a "Squeap") in my apartment. It is a single loud chirp that occurs at irregular intervals and appears to be coming from the bathroom. Initially I thought it was the smoke alarm in the hallway, but I took it down, removed the batteries and still the sound continues. I thought perhaps the smoke alarm had an internal back-up battery, so I spent an hour trying to rip open the plastic cover trying to locate it, but was unable to break it open. Eventually I gave up, closed the bedroom door and took sleeping pills in an attempt to sleep through it. When I woke up this morning, the Squeap was still going. I am unsure of how to proceed at this point. If anyone knows of a good Squeap exorcist, let me know.

I came home from work tonight determined to put an end to the Squeap. Using a flathead screwdriver, pliers and determination I did manage to pry the cover off the smoke alarm. However, there was no back-up battery to be found. In complete desperation I attempted to smash what I thought was the speaker, but to no avail, the Squeap continued. It was around this time that I finally started to accept that the sound was not coming from the smoke detector. I got out my drafting table stool (the tallest thing in my apartment) climbed up and searched every corner of my apartment for the Squeap source. FINALLY I found it in a dark hallway…a carbon monoxide detector hidden on top of the picture rail that surrounds the walls of my apartment about a foot below the ceiling. Patting myself on the back for being so ingenious (and ignoring the fact it took me more than 24 hours) I tasted victory. That is until I attempted to get the carbon monoxide detector off the wall. I yanked, I twisted, I squeezed, but it Squeaped in my face in utter defiance. Since I couldn’t tell if it was hooked into the building security system, I didn’t want to risk taking my softball bat to it and ending the ordeal. Not to be defeated, I managed to break the flimsy plastic clips holding the battery cover on and remove it (luckily it was NOT hooked into the security system…or at least if it was, nobody cared). Victory! Squeap – 0, Kai – 1. Of course now I have a smashed smoke detector and a broken carbon monoxide detector to replace, but it’s a small price to pay for the end of the Squeaping.

You know…I kind of miss it.

Welcome to LaGuardia

I have returned from my birthday trip! Details to follow...but all in all it was a good trip. Good food, good friends and a great birthday.

More later when I have time to process.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rain and pickles

So this morning starts with me attempting to make it to the subway lugging a suitcase, my purse and my dignity and ends with me dropping a pickle on a pile of recording agreements. This doesn't bode well for someone who is supposed to be airborn in 7 hours.

Had I just not cared about my hair, the suitcase thing would not have been an issue. Many MANY a time I have lugged my suitcase to work with me on Friday night to catch the last flight to O'Hare. But today, it was raining and I had spent over an hour last night straightening my hair. I have very long hair and it's quite a task and I was not letting the rain ruin my work! I managed to get on the subway with dry hair, but a very wet suitcase....and my fellow 7 Train to Times Square riders looked at me like I was crazy. Well the men did, the straight haired women nodded in solidarity. Crisis averted.

Since I'll be on a plane during normal dinner hours, I decided to go out and get lunch. Normally I skip it, or dine on the crackers or pop tarts in my desk, but I had a craving for "real food" and went out to the local deli for a sandwich. I love this place because it also gives you a free pickle with purchase, and well, what woman doesn't love a free pickle. I brought it back to my desk and in the 15 minutes I was gone, someone had dropped the final version of a recording contact to be signed today on my desk (I do legal work for an independent rock/metal record label). I pushed it aside to devour my lunch and somehow my free pickle flew out of my hands and landed on the pile of agreements. Sigh....now I have to explain to the band why there is a pickle imprint on their newly inked record deal. I have a coffee meeting at 3pm. Perhaps I can stain the latest iTunes deal this afternoon. Scented agreements....I just may be onto something here. It will set our label apart from the rest.

Finally

I am proud to announce that I have finally taken the boxes out of my apartment and down to the recycling! Though I thoroughly enjoyed hurdling them daily, I wasn't sure I could get my suitcase past them in the morning, and though the thought of going to Chicago with nothing more than my purse was tempting, I thought my mother might want me in clothes for Mother's Day, so alas, I've taken them out.

I've made this NY-Chicago trip more times than I can count this year....and it's only May. I have the same seat on the same planes and have the same flight attendants. I wonder if that counts me as a "jet setter"? I think the name implies a certain hipness that I do not posess. Also I think jet setters usually go more to more exotic locales than Chicago, so I guess I'm just a girl with a LOT of frequent flyer miles.


The (formerly) amorous hippos in the apartment above me have lost their love and are currently having one hell of an argument. It has been going on for a few hours now, and I can't lay there anymore and attempt sleep. It's bothering me on many levels, the noise, but not just the volume, I can't make out the words, so it's the lovers quarrel version of the teacher in Charlie Brown. My nosy self wants to know what they are yelling about, but no matter how hard I try, I can't make it out. Secondly, the yelling is bringing back ugly memories for me. The years that D and I did exactly what the two of them are doing. Its funny, I have little recollection of what he and I would so vehemently argue about, so when I replay it in my mind it sounds a lot like what I'm listening to, garbled words, hearing only the highs and lows of various emotions. Again, like the Charlie Brown cartoon. I remember the emotion too clearly for it to have been so many years ago now. I remember the yelling being so bad that you would hear his roommate sneak out to his girlfriends house at 4am so he could get some sleep before having to go to work in the morning. I usually wouldn't be too far behind him, either driving aimlessly around for a few hours, or sacking out on a friend's couch, or going to the 24 hour convenience store and wandering the aisles in my pjs waiting until I knew he had gotten up and gone, so I could go back home, shower and get to work.

I hope things end differently for the (formerly) amorous hippos above than they did for me. In the 10 months here I've never heard them fight before, but have spent countless nights listening to their headboard pound against the wall in an all too familiar rhythm, so perhaps there is hope. I give Mr. Amorous Hippo credit...he's kept his cool and barely raised his voice to Ms. Amorous Hippoette, even though she's been screaming at him for hours. Maybe it means he's guilty of something though, I'm not sure. I can only hope she doesn't end up wandering the aisles of our local 24 hour grocery store or riding the subway until dawn. If she wants to knock on my door, with her pillow under her arm and sack out on my couch it's fine with me. I've been her in a past life and I've come out on the other side.

I can’t decide which is worse, insomnia or writers block. I guess writer’s block, you can always take Nyquil or Unisom to cure insomnia, there’s no pharmaceutical for a lack of inspiration. I wonder if there was, if people would take it. I suppose they would. People do botox and its basically the same principle. Injecting yourself with a chemical substance to produce a more desirable result than the status quo. I wish there was a cure for self loathing, If there is, I can tell you for sure, it’s not Nyquil or Unisom. It’s also not mint Oreos, though further research should be done on those, for they (and York peppermint patties) have some healing powers for sure. It’s hard to be in a bad mood when you have mint Oreos in the house.

Birthday Reflections

Haven't posted in a few days and thought I'd ramble for a bit. Nothing much going on in the life of Kai these days really. Heading to Chicago in a few days for a 4 day weekend and to celebrate my turning 27 on Saturday. 27. It's funny how your perception of ages changes as you get older. I remember being young, maybe 10 or 11 and thinking that by 27 I'd be married, have a few kids, a house....the whole picket fence picture. If you would have told me that instead, I'd be living in an NYC apartment, childless and with no male prospects anywhere near the horizon, I would have been shocked. I look at 30 now with more pragmatic eyes. My goals are much less lofty than they were at 10. I see myself in 3 years (!) still without a date for Friday night, still childless and probably still in this apartment. My goals now are to redecorate my bedroom and increase the savings account. I've become much too practical in my old age.

Insomnia

This birthday countdown moment brought to you by insomnia:

8 days until my birthday!!!!!!

Drive Through Dating

It seems that recently my friends (and myself) have been victims of what I call drive-through dating (or in the really bad cases, drive-by dating) . Let me explain: You meet someone through various channels (online, the subway, through a friend of a friend etc.), you go out once, it's great you have a good time, he calls again in a respectable amount of time and you make plans to go out again. You go on said second date, it's fabulous, you're laughing, cracking jokes, holding hands and at the end of the night he gives you a knock you off your feet good night kiss. And then you never hear from him again. What's the deal?? For a few days you think he's busy at work and his email connection at home is down or he lost his cellphone and doesn't have your number. A few more days go by and you think hmm did he get in an accident in the cab on the way home? Did he get shot in my shady NYC neighborhood? And then it comes to you, he's just not that into you. He liked the attention for a couple of days, liked that he had some cute chick on his arm on a Friday night so the bartender at his regular date spot doesn't think he's going through a dry spell, but in the end he realized that a night out with you was no more enjoyable than sitting on his couch with a beer watching Sportscenter. I just can't compare to a big screen TV and a case of Corona....I'm just going to have to accept that.

Yes. I'm sorry to say, the boxes (all neatly cut down and tied up) are still residing in the front hallway of my apartment. I thought moving them there so that I would have to step over them every day to get in and out of the apartment would motivate me to take them down to the recycling, but alas it hasn't and instead I'm using them as a low-tech security system. I will get them out by the weekend....I WILL.

11 days until my birthday!!!!!