Tuesday, April 03, 2007

We won't have the same last name any more

I've known my sister was going to get married for awhile now. She has been blessed with much better luck than I in the dating (and looks) department. She met her now fiance in high school and now, two years into college they are still going strong and have plans to wed right after graduation. Both sets of parents involved are thrilled and major preparations are already underway.

For the record, I have no issue with my sister getting married so young. I don't believe there is some formula to happiness that everyone must follow. I firmly believe that everyone has their own path and choice to make and I am not one to judge other people's journeys. Personally, if she can be spared the decade of bad dates and disappointment that I have had to endure, then I'm all for it.

That said, I'm having an extremely tough time with this all. I am older than my sister by 8 years. Engagements, marriage, even requited relationships of any kind are all completely foreign concepts to me. It's hard to see your much younger sibling have major life experiences that you know nothing about. Life experiences you deeply desire to have, but are stuck playing the waiting game for, while the nagging voice in the back of your head telling you that nobody will ever love you grows louder each day.

I wish my family understood my pain, but they don't. They are too caught up in the excitement of finally being able to plan a wedding, that they completely dismiss my hurt. Instead they accuse me of being selfish and I can't even refute their claims, because they are right. What I feel is selfish and steeped in the "why can't it be me?", yet I'm powerless to feel different. The pain that being forced to help my sister pick out a wedding dress and choose flower and bridesmaid dress colors causes is like enduring the worst breakup of your life over and over again.

I'm not sure how to cope with the best day of her life being one of the worst days of my own.


kristy_wes said...

Just read your blog - wanted to say I hear you and feel your pain! You are not alone :) My current method of dealing: 1) Being honest with myself and a few close friends about my envy; 2) Trying to trust that God has something good planned for my future, and 3) eating lots of ice cream. Whatever gets you through the day :)

Girl said...

Ugh...this does suck. I'm sorry. Although I am getting married, believe me when I tell you there were MANY moments like this in my lifetime and I completely understand the range of emotions it brings about. I have lots of friends who met in college and got married. I was always pretty jealous at the time, but I can tell you, after a while, I really appreciate that I had seven more years than they did of being single and having the time of my life. Once you give this time of your life up, you don't ever get it back. Chin up, my friend. I'm thinking of you.

Doggy Mama said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this... I know you are happy for your sister, and there is no shame in feeling the way you do. At least you are honest with yourself. I just wish you had more support from the fam!

We're here for you... and who knows? Maybe you'll meet Mr. Right in the meantime and have the most fabulous wedding date! :)

Jenn said...

I was married. Not so great. :-)

I don't mean to make light...I understand you're hurting and I'm sorry for that. It is hard to watch someone have/do something you so want for yourself.

May you find your Prince soon. (and if you see two...could you send one my way?)

Kai said...

Krisy_wes - I'm trying to keep the faith as you say, but it's so hard! Thankfully the new Edys Black Raspberry Chocolate Chunk ice cream helps in the meantime!

Girl - TI know you are right, someday I'll look back and be SO glad I had some extra single years. Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts!

DM - I'm definitely keeping my fingers crossed that I'll have a fabulous date by then to hold my purse and keep my drink full :-P

Jenn - You got it! I'll only date men with single brothers from now on! :-D