The past day or so I have felt a mix of emotions and feel like a rubber band ball of thoughts. Post doctor appointment anxiety, my upcoming trip to Illinois, moving and packing and the looming telling of my parents of the impending move have sent me to the edge. My life has changed dramatically in the past 5 months. There is a distinct path where there wasn't one before. A path I dreamed about taking. A road I never thought I would find.
Last night I broke down. I doubted everything. I doubted The Boy and with the clarity of a new day and a decent night's sleep came the guilt that I could doubt loving him. This love doesn't look like the loves of my past and I doubted its strength. I don't feel that constant "devastation if we aren't together" feeling that I have known so well when I had weak loves, that needed me to work so hard at perfection to keep them alive. With the Boy, love isn't based on fear and for a moment, it was unrecognizable to me. It's never been like this for me. We can talk about anything. He is accepting of my anxiety issues and is undeterred by them. He wants a future with me. He loves me unconditionally and makes sure that he shows me in some way every day. This is everything I have ever wanted and now that I have it, I feel overwhelmed by all the change and then guilty for having fears and doubts.
My married friends tell me this is 100% fine and that it's common to have doubts. We get lured into thinking that love is all unicorns and rainbows and there is a clear cut "how you are supposed to feel". Each love takes its own journey and it's unrealistic to expect any 2 loves to be the same. I think once the move is complete, the parents are met and told and a balance is restored, my sense of self and love will be renewed. I have faith in myself and in The Boy and I know that our love journey is nowhere near being over.