Sunday, March 30, 2008

Some Days

There are some days I find myself looking at my life and wondering if this is it for me.

So many aspects of my life are wonderful. I've created a home filled with books and art and knowledge. I have a comfy bed. I have great friends. I have a decent job. I live in an exciting city and have traveled all over the world. I wish that was enough for me, I wish I appreciated it more and felt fulfilled by it all, but I don't.

My independence is one of the foundations of my personality. I've always found it hard to relate to other people and have strong bonds. I don't know it if comes from being adopted or if its just inherent to who I am, but relationships of all forms have always been difficult for me. I doubt my capability to be a good friend, sister, daughter and of course girlfriend.

I haven't dealt with the Eharmony Boy/Tennis Guy situation at all. Tennis Guy and I are still discussing where we stand and I've been up front with him about Eharmony Boy. I've told Eharmony Boy I want to slow down but not because there's someone else....mostly because I'm not sure if there is someone else. 6 months apart didn't make the problems Tennis Guy and I had before go away. We both acknowledge that we need some time to talk them through, but unfortunately our schedules don't allow for much, if any together time. Right now the soonest I may see him is in 5 months and I'm truly not sure if I have it in me to wait.

The bigger question is though, "Am I capable of relationships in general?". I am fiercely independent. I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with anyone. I don't handle obligation or expectations well at all. I'm afraid I lack the tools to love.

I'm not sure how one reconciles a feeling of loneliness, with an inability to love. I wish I didn't care. I wish I accepted that my nature may mean that I'm not going to have the "typical" life that many other people have.

I wish I just accepted that my life is full and happy the way it is. I have Tivo. What more can I ask for?

2 comments:

pinks & blues girls said...

I do not think that you are incapable of loving at all! As someone who has actually met you in person, I find you incredibly warm, caring and kind. And just as a general rule, I find that anyone who loves animals and is loved by animals MUST have a good heart. As far as romantic relationships go, you are still finding your footing and trying to navigate very difficult waters. No relationship is perfect or always easy. But when it's right, it's right... and you'll know when that time is, whether it's with Tennis Guy, Eharmony Boy or someone else entirely. Don't give up on the ability to love and be loved, though!

Jane

Cheeky said...

I agree with p&b girls