Sunday, April 02, 2006

I’ve been stuck lately on this notion of “fun”. I go to work and hear people talk about their weekends, what bars they went to, where they went golfing, what dinner party they attended and I find myself wondering what it is like to have a “life”. The answer to “what did you do this weekend” for me is always exactly the same “nothing”. People think I’m exaggerating when I tell them I go home on Friday night and literally do not leave my apartment again until Monday morning. I sleep a lot, browse the net and flip aimlessly through the TV channels, or watch old episodes of the West Wing on DVD. Every weekend. Was I born the social equivalent of an 80 year old shut-in? I remember being slightly more social in high school, but I guess it’s easier to be social when you have friends and people asking you to hang out. I accept that the romantic relationship thing is not something I am capable of handling, I’m not in any way looking for a boyfriend, I’m looking for a friend. For some reason, I’ve not been able to really click with anyone at work. The other people on the assistant level have taken to a complete hatred of me for some reason, so they are out of the question. One of the interns who is actually from Iowa and I chat a bit, but she’s in school and working two jobs and doesn’t really have time to hang out. The other person I talk to with any regularity is married and it’s always a very awkward situation for a single woman to ask a married man to hang out. I feel it’s inappropriate, even though I have no ulterior intentions. I had always heard that NY was hands down the worst place to meet people and it’s completely true. In a city of millions, it’s hard to believe, but everyone is so insular it’s nearly impossible to break in. It’s proof that you can be lonely in even the largest of cities.

I think I feel like I missed out on my “wild days”. I’m afraid of looking back in several years and finding out that my chance to be free and fun is gone. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I honestly do not know how to have fun. Was it a class in college I skipped? One of the gen-ed courses I forgot to take? When do we learn to have fun?

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