The Men *some names changed

There was Billy in junior high, who asked me out and then said “just kidding”. There was Patrick who used to kiss me at lunch in the high school band room. There was Scot; my first and only taste of requited love. I was 16 and it lasted 6 months. There was the guy who got wind I was going to ask him to the junior prom and said “like I would go out with you” as soon as I walked up to him. Brandon from the Army who was my best friend's brother and who sort-of proposed and then never called me again. Next was Jeff, my senior year of high school, who despite my intense love for him, never loved me back, though he did kiss me once. He came to visit me my second year of college; I sent him to the store to get me a soda and I never heard from him again. At 18 there was David, a relationship too complex to explain, let alone be in. A hybrid of unrequited love and no strings attached sex with some emotional abuse mixed in, still going on 10 years later. The beginning of my “friends with benefits” trend that seems to have no end. There was Jasper, who cheated on me with my roommate and is still with her, now 5 years later. There was MT who ended up having a wife and some issues with the law. There was Low Self Esteem Guy, Cheater Guy and Random Bar Guy who were one hit wonders. Andrew, who was incredible, but stopped seeing me because he “didn’t like the way I think”. There were the internet crazies who lasted only one cup of coffee, too many to list or even remember. Train boy who helped me out of a subway car during a minor evacuation. 15 years my senior with a child and the only one in the bunch to ever call me his girlfriend. Next was ML from match.com, who toys with my emotions, but knows how to make me feel beautiful. Who has relationships with other women, but comes to me when he wants to play and who is the only man to ever beat me at Scrabble. And then LD who I fell madly for, but who only saw me as an object.

Dating is a completely foreign concept to me. My experiences have been entanglements not relationships. I don't know what being part of something based on trust and admiration and healthy emotion is.

I’m afraid I’m too old to really learn how to love and be loved.