I'll never have a child. I'll never own a home. I'll never know what its like to sleep with someone who loves me. I'll never have a job doing something I love. I'll never have a boyfriend....the list of nevers, never ends.
I know that everything on my list is a luxury, that I can only wish for those things because I have so much else in my life that is stable and my needs are more than met. It doesn't make me want them any less though. I yearn to experience a good love once in my life. My one experience loving someone was ugly, partly because he never loved me back and partly because he never respected my feeling and manipulated it to fulfill his own needs. I've never loved someone who loved me back. I have no concept of what it's like, and I fear the absence of it has made me cold to the world.
I was looking through my memory box the other night, and came across this card someone gave me for my last birthday. I don't think I had read it fully when my friend had given it to me and I was struck deeply by the words:
Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. delicious ambiguity....So true and so hard to accept. I'm going to try though..there's beauty in the ambiguity...I just have to find it.