Monday, November 06, 2006


Returning home from the gym on Saturday night, I was very aware it was "date night". Pairs of people both young and old filled the streets and trains. Being part of a couple is a completely foreign concept to me. I see people walking hand in hand through the streets of NY, people cuddling on the subway, good bye kisses exchanged and wonder what it's like to go through life with someone. I fully acknowledge that it's work to be in a relationship and that it's not all laughs and kisses, but as someone who is most likely single for life, love is an amazement to me. I've loved people, but never experienced love in return. Most of my "relationships" (I'm using that term VERY loosely) have been of the "friends with benefits"or the "lets hook-up, but not tell anyone" varieties. The number of times in my life I've been the "secret friend" is astounding, and I fully acknowledge it's nobody's fault but my own. I don't assert myself or make my feelings known because I know how it will play out. As I've been told many many times before, I'm not the kind of girl men have real relationships with. I'm the layover girl. The one to hang out with until the prettier, smarter, skinnier girls free up. I'm kept a secret because to know about me would kill a guy's "game" and make him look "taken". I know it's the niche I created for myself, I just feel powerless to stand up and want more because, like most, I fear the certainty of rejection. The few times I've asked people out, I've been turned down in the most astounding and cruel ways. In fact I'm not sure I've ever asked a guy out and had him say yes. (The exception being the guy who said "yes! ha just kidding, like I'd go out with YOU"). I wish I had it in me to walk away and say f*ck you to the losers in life. I wish I could stand up to the date from hell and make him FINALLY go away. I wish I thought I was good enough to be with someone. I accept that I'm fiercely independent and that I need a LOT of personal space and maybe that means I'll be single forever. I'm inclined to think so, but I learned long ago to never say never. I just wish I knew what the alternative was like.....what its like to play and fight and sleep with someone who loves you.....what it's like to be introduced as someone's girlfriend, instead of shoved under the table so nobody sees you. I wonder what it's like to hear the words and what it's like to say them when they have meaning.

Never say never and never say forever.

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