Fotoflot

A few weeks ago I won a FABULOUS contest over at Antique Mommy for a fotoflot. Their website explains it better, but basically it's a cool way of framing photos that doesn't require glass, frames or mats. The print your photo and fuse it to a piece of acrylic. I placed my order today and can't wait for it to arrive!!

Thanks to Antique Mommy for the contest! Photos of my prize are forthcoming as soon as it is delivered!

101

My dad gave everyone in my family $101 (an homage to the Disney Dalmatians movie) with implicit instructions not to save it or spend it on bills, but to blow it on something (or things) selfish.

So tell me, how would you spend $101? for fun?

YUM

I made monkey bread this morning....from scratch!

I didn't even flinch pouring the 2 cups of cream in the dough. It's worth every sinful bite!

Recipe I used was from My Kitchen Cafe. Let me know if you try it out!

A theory

3pm seems to be my witching hour. My brain shuts off and I have a strong desire to sleep/tune out.

I've decided it comes from being in school. From 1st-12th grade we go to school and get out at 3/3:30. My brain learned that those hours are the "off" hours and its time to go home eat cookies and watch Saved by the Bell. Now that I'm in the working world, my brain hasn't updated. I still want to kick off my shoes and have a snack when 3 rolls around!

I need to reprogram!!!

I Found the Web and the Web Won

After a VERY long weekend of photoshopping, ftp uploading, coding, crying and several burned meals, I have finished my new website. I'm still doing a bit of tweaking, but here it is. Feedback is welcome and needed!


New and Improved Photo Site


Now I must sleep.

Avoidance is Yummy!

I needed to get some MAJOR photo work done this weekend. I fully intended on digging in and working the entire weekend.

It's 5:30pm. I have gone to the bank and grocery store. I have made dinner rolls from scratch, espresso shortbread, turnovers for my lunch next week and am marinading chicken.

Notice that photoshopping was nowhere on the list. Yet.

Must focus now.

Taking Step 1 of the Plunge

I am re-designing my business website. I bought a template and am attempting to alter it to suit my needs. Granted I have absolutely NO experience editing flash and haven't a clue as to what I'm doing, but I took the plunge anyway and will (hopefully!) figure it out as I go.

Next step, designing a home office niche that looks great and is inspiring. Anyone have any home office design tips????

Growing Up

Tonight is the office holiday party. Last year I drank much too much and ended up making out with some guy from accounting.

This year I'm sticking to ginger ale and leaving early.

Odd

I put my tree up (rather unfolded it and plugged it in), hung my ornaments up and went to take a nap.

When I woke up all my ornaments were backwards. The tradition in my family is that my mother buys my sister and I the precious moments angel of the year, so my tree is the 29 angels I've gotten over the years and now all I see are little angel butts.

My guess is that in the hour or so I was napping the ornament hangers untwisted themselves after 2 years of non-use and they all turned around. Either that or my holiday decorations are mooning me.

I'll let you know if they start staging a coup.

Torn

Between being annoyed that new girl at work went out with co-workers last night and got so trashed that she leaves her desk every 15 minutes to get sick and feeling bad for her. She'll likely end up going home and I'll have to cover for her. I feel bad for her, but part of me feels like, you made your bed now lie in it.*

*what an odd saying....

Anyway.

To Decorate or Not to Decorate

There is so little time between now and Christmas I can't decide whether or not to put up my holiday decorations. Last year I didn't because I was depressed about a break up and I regretted it, but they'll only be up a few weeks and I"m not sure its worth all the work.

Decisions Decisions!

Scenes from Security...2 DIFFERENT Airports

On way TO Chicago:
Security guy: Ma'am we need to search your bag.
Me: Ok sure.
Security guy: What the hell do you have in here??
Me: Uh....OH a stainless steel coffee mug!
Woman in line behind me: damn...that's one hell of a coffee addiction
Security guy: Next time warn a guy! That thing looks BAD on the xray.
Me: oh uh sorry.


On way HOME from Chicago:
*I had gotten rid of coffee mug and was HOPING not to be stopped....sigh

Security guy: Ma'am we need to search your bag.
Me: Ok sure. (waiting....waiting...waiting....while they search)
Security guy: (bringing bag back to me) Everything looks good, but I have one important question.
Me: Uh ok.
Security guy: (holding up my Fiber One Poptart box) Are these as good as regular poptarts?
Me: hahahaa no...but they ARE good and healthier.
Security guy: I'll stick to the real ones.
Me: Good choice.

Sigh...and to think I fly again in 21 days....

Too Much

Happy Thanksgiving all!

 

I am very VERY full.

Misunderstood

New Yorkers get a bad reputation in the rest of the world for being cold and rude, which is why it's ironic that it wasn't until I moved here from the Midwest that I got accused of being just that way by New Yorkers themselves.

Throughout my 5 year tenure at work, many of my coworkers have told me I am a rude person (I'm ignoring the fact for now, that the act of accusing someone of being rude, is in itself rude). I acknowledge that I am not overly friendly. I do not go out of my way to have mindless conversations or ask people how they are. I am generally a private person who respects the privacy of others and don't delve into their personal lives. Part of the issue is also that I work in an uber-casual environment, where the line between work and personal life is very blurry and I don't attend many after business-hours work functions.  I have another job that I do from home at night and can't always take time off from that to be social. Truth be told though, there is a bigger reason for my aloofness.

I suffer from social anxiety. Being around other people sometimes terrifies me. On the really bad days it takes me 2 tries to get out of the house and onto the subway to work, on the good days I can quietly feel nauseus without anyone around me knowing. I tend to shy away from most situations that involve my being around other people and I don't willingly engage people I don't know well. It's something that I'm working on, and I have been trying to force myself to attend events and do things with other people that I normally would shy away from, but it's still a rarity.

 

I know I shouldn't be upset for the misunderstanding. If I'm unwilling to admit my faults/problems to others, I can't expect them to judge me fairly. It's a choice I make not to make my anxiety known and I have to accept that there are consequences for that. Ultimately, I know I have to believe in who I am, but it pains me that to some people at least, that doesn't show through.

MOMS I NEED HELP!`

The Saturday after Thanksgiving I am going to attend a baby shower, for a hip, first time mom-to-be friend of mine and I have NO clue what to get as a shower gift!!! Any must have baby products that would make a good gift for a baby girl that anyone can recommend? I'm totally lost here.

It works!!!!

A few days ago I posted about the diet soda and cake mix trick. I just pulled my coke zero brownies out of the oven and it turned out GREAT!!!! I can't believe it works but I can honestly say I don't notice a taste difference at all. What a great trick!! Just dump a can in the mix, stir and bake. It couldn't be easier.

WOW!!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Only 3 Dog Night Said It Better

A lovely post on what it's like to be A Single Adult. Amen sister.

Can't. Keep. Up.

Life is getting away from me these days. Between trying to keep up with the news, my day job, my freelance job and just general life (not to mention staving off a cold I can feel coming) I'm just barely keeping my head above water.

In other news, I got a raise! Very unexpected in this economy and a hefty one to boot. Champagne on me!

Bullets

- Am very worried that Keith Olbermann will not have anything to talk about on his show now that the Democrats have control of the House, Senate and White House.

- President Bush's dog Barney bit a White House Reuters reporter....I shouldn't be laughing, but it is kind of funny.

- Going to see the Rockette's Holiday show tonight! I'm starting to get in the holiday mood.

- Speaking of holiday mood...NOTHING quite gets me in the mood like seeing the Red Starbucks cups come out. Peppermint Mochas here I come!!!!

Does this work???

I just heard that you can take a boxed cake mix, add ONLY a can of diet soda (no eggs, oil, water etc.) and bake it and it turns out SO GOOD.

Is this an urban legend or is it true?????

I Voted!

Only had to wait an hour, due to a bit of a line as well as a broken machine.

Who will be up all night nail biting with me over CNN??

VOTE!

No matter what your party affiliation, beliefs or red state/blue state status, VOTE.

Seize the opportunity to choose. Not everyone in the world gets to.

HAPPY HALLOWEEEN!

Go eat candy, protect your homes from tricksters and scare your friends!

Um.....

After a MONTH of no contact at all from Eharmony Boy, he texted me last night.

Boys are strange.

Infomercials....for President?

Thoughts on tonight's Obama infomercial?


Seemed cheesy to me and to came too late in the game. 6 days till the end I doubt there are many undecideds left. If you are going to spend $1 Million Dollars to EACH of 7 networks do it early and make it count.

House

Won't spoil it for my fellow Tivo-ers, but OMG OMG OMG to the last 5 minutes.

Oh the unfairness now of having to wait TWO fully weeks until the next episode!

Stupid election.

The 7th Day

Could someone PLEASE tell me why Sundays are so short???

Job

Anyone know of any job anywhere in the world that is open? I'll do anything. I'm cheap. I'm smart. I come to work on time, don't text or make personal calls during work hours and can work with ANY personality type. I can spell and speak coherently. I have no ego and will literally do ANYTHING.

Anyone??

Nokia!

Last night I attended the Nokia Work/Life balance event at the Nokia Flagship store here in NY. Thanks to my friend Wendy at http://babiesgottahaveit.com/ it was a good night of playing with some new technology, listening to a professional organizer talk about seeking balance in life and creating rigid boundaries and cocktails.

I DEFINITELY need to create some balance in my life between work and play. I'm going to start by NOT checking my email in the morning at home and instead only read it on the train. That's a better use of my time and allows me to ease into the day and focus on myself in the morning.

How do YOU create balance in your own lives?

Blue...well maybe blue-green

My sister is engaged again. 22 years old and has found TWO men in this
world that that want to marry her.

(Time #1 was mutually called off by her and her ex, they just both
realized it wasn't right for them)

She's had more engagement rings than I've had dates.

Ugh.

Clean!

I did a major house clean this weekend and now as I sit in my sparkly
apartment...

I'm afraid to do ANYTHING. I sit on the couch freezing because I don't
want to unfold the blanket. I used the bathroom when I was at
Starbucks so I wouldn't have to dirty mine. I'm STARVING because I
don't want to cook anything.

I just want to relish in the cleanliness for as long as possible.

I'm going to have to start eating out at least though....I'm so hungry
I'm ready to take hostages, except well, you know, they'd just dirty
the place up.

Do you ever....

meet people, or maybe just read their blogs and think..that is who I want to be....that is the way I want to respond to the world, but I haven't been because I've chosen to lead a life dictated by pain?

I did today and it's made me think.

What? It's FRIDAY?? Already?

Where on earth did this week go? I'm insanely busy at work, I've worked until 2am now for the past few days and I'm beat and let's not even get started on the state of my house right now. My poor Tivo is nearly full and those debates that were a few days ago....still unwatched. UGH.

This weekend will be spent catching up, on the news, on the cleaning, on twitter and on Tivo.

Catching up is a full time job.

Drastic...Attempt #2

I'm still considering making a drastic hair change and came across this pic. I'm thinking of doing this cut and the color. Thoughts?

My Mastercard Commercial

Gin to get drunk with after getting heart broken by yet another shitty man: $24.00

Hair dye bought to give self dramatic makeover after said heart break: $9.99

Realizing you were so drunk when you did this that you dyed your hair the EXACT same color it has always been: Priceless.

Blackout

It astounds me that in a company of 50 employees, every single one of
them is ignoring the fact that EVERY single light is out in the copy
room so we all just stand in there in total darkness making our
copies.

It's been THREE DAYS now.

Putting Myself Out There

I told a boy I liked him yesterday. (and yes I'm still technically
dating eharmony boy...but I'm ignoring that fact for now).

I got the response I pretty much thought I would get...like you too,
really enjoy our friendship...not sure I can get over the distance (he
lives in California) blah blah blah.

I thought just getting it out there would make me feel better and I
think eventually it will, but for now I just feel....bleah.

Wherein I Realize I've Been Watching Too Much News

I was going through my spam folder today and couldn't figure out why I was getting emails offering to enlarge my "election".

November 4 can't come soon enough.

Aren't They Trained NOT to do that??

I'm walking through Grand Central this morning and see a couple of police officers with their drug/bomb whatever sniffing dogs (German Shepards). A few steps later I passed a woman carrying a TINY white dog. A few steps after that I heard LOUD repetitive barking from the big dogs. Either the woman was also packing a bomb and/or drugs or else the German Shepards need to go back to training school!

Can't take the dog out of the dog I guess!

Let's Play a Game Answers

Nobody got it right!!!

1. Every night I wake up at least twice to check my email. - Sadly this is true....sometimes I'm up MORE than twice. I'm not a good sleeper at all.

2. I have never done any illegal drugs and didn't drink before I was 21. - True!

3. I have issues with telling people I love them and say "I know" every time anyone tells me they love me. - Also true....I'm a commitment phobe to the 'enth degree...I'm working on it.

4. My favorite comfort food is this dish my parents make consisting of yellow mustard peach jam and soy hot dogs. - Also true! This was a recipie from my late grandmother (well she used REAL meat, not soy obviously) and it's a staple in our house. It sounds gross, but the sweet and sour nature of it all comes together into tasty goodness!

5. I once was seated on a plane next to Nate Berkus, Oprah's decorator. -True! It was bound to happen with all the times I fly between NY and Chicago

6. I was very nearly on a reality TV show but the show never aired. -A few years ago they were making one about work, but it never came to fruition (thankfully!)

7. I once stood up a blind date because I saw him through the window and he wasn't cute so I just left without going inside the restaurant. YOU GUYS!!! This one isn't true! I would NEVER do this to someone!!!!!!!

Thanks to everyone who guessed! This was fun!

Fish. Not Just for Sushi

The boss at work randomly asked his assistant to get him a goldfish for his office. After much discussion, the assistant and I have decided to name him Sen-nin after the bosses favorite sushi place.

Sen-nin the goldfish...named after sushi...it just doesn't stop being funny.

Let's play a game

I thought we would play which of these things is NOT true again! Leave a comment telling me which of these things is NOT true about me.

1. Every night I wake up at least twice to check my email.

2. I have never done any illegal drugs and didn't drink before I was 21.

3. I have issues with telling people I love them and say "I know" every time anyone tells me they love me.

4. My favorite comfort food is this dish my parents make consisting of yellow mustard peach jam and soy hot dogs.

5. I once was seated on a plane next to Nate Berkus, Oprah's decorator.

6. I was very nearly on a reality TV show but the show never aired.

7. I once stood up a blind date because I saw him through the window and he wasn't cute so I just left without going inside the restaurant.

Any guesses?

It's officially Fall in my world...

I'm wearing closed toed shoes for the first time in MONTHS!

Advice for the guy behind me at Starbucks

Screaming POUR THE DRINKS does not make the baristas go faster and just annoys the rest of us.

On a related note do you think that someday I will wake up and realize that I probably spend more time at Starbucks than I do with my family. Hmmm
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

#2

For reason far too complex and irrational to explain, work is giving me a SECOND additional blackberry to carry at all times.

How connected does one person need to be??!

Help Me Pick A New Desk

I am in dire need of a desk and I'm torn....right now it's going to be in my living room, but eventually when I grow up and move out of NYC I will likely have a dedicated home office. RIght now, they key thing is storage. I've got to maximize every inch of space.....here are the options I am looking at, and feel free to suggest others! I need all the help I can get!

Option 1:



Option 2:


Option 3:



Option 4:



Option 5:

Closed:


Looks similar to this when open:


Which do you like best?

Lesson Learned

Taking sleeping pills and then doing your PM Yoga video (in that
order) is NOT a good idea.

Halfway through said video you will get very sleepy and will end up
falling on your head.

Perfection...

I've gotten quite a bit of photo retouching work recently. It's mostly been portrait retouching: skin softening, digital nose jobs, slimming, etc. Initially, I needed some photos to practice on so I took some of myself to try the techniques on, but quickly learned that doing that was a self-esteem crisis in the making.

I've been noticing that this work is beginning to alter my idea of perfection. I've always know that magazine photos are retouched and that celebrities don't really look like that in real life, but to actually do it, to alter your OWN face, really starts to mess with your perception of beauty. I've never had a problem with my nose, but yesterday I was practicing "digital nose jobs" and I realized how much better I could look. I'll never get a nose job, double chin removal, liposuction or any of the other real-life procedures that I know the Photoshop equivalents to, but here I am staring at my own "what if" photo.

I feel so disheartened for young girls who look at magazines and see these images of photo retouched perfection and strive for that ideal. Sure, there is the Dove campaign but from what I've seen, most magazines are still primarily using highly retouched images. Despite my chosen profession, I can only wonder "what if" we had a realistic, attainable model of beauty in this country.

And for the record, I don't think Sara Palin is it.

A Meme...cause it's been awhile.

I saw this over on Antique Mommy and figured it would be a decent way to fill my Saturday afternoon. Since I'm not going to the salon.

1. How long have you been blogging?

Since August of 2004. A friend had been talking about "this blog thing" and I had always written journals but always with pen and paper. I decided to jump on the bandwagon and go digital.

2. What are the good things blogging has brought to your life?

Blogging helps me get the negative thoughts out and helps me process life. It's brought wonderful friends and experiences to my life, I wouldn't have otherwise had.

3. What would you consider the pitfalls?

Fear of being "discovered". Certain situations in life need to be written about and emotions explored, but sometimes I censor myself out of fear of work finding my blog, or worse, my mother.

4. Tell us about your blog name. Ever think of changing it? If so, to what? Why?

I've never thought about changing my blog name...it's simple and explains my blog perfectly. These are the thoughts from one mind in the world.

5. Knowing what you know now, was starting a blog a good thing for you? Why or why not?

Blogging has been good for me. It's my version of therapy sometimes, it's my support system and it makes laugh. All anyone wants from life is to not take the journey alone, and my blog definitely makes me feel less lonely on that path.

6. How do you think blogging, bloggers, or the blogosphere has changed since you started?

Definitely more people have blogs now and it's become it's own little social-sphere. It's like getting to sit with the hip kids at lunch.

8. Ultimately, what would you like your blog to accomplish for you or others?

For me, I'd like my blog to be about getting the thoughts and emotions of the day out and processed so that I can learn about myself and to heal from the past. For others, I'd like to hope that at least something I've said in the 4 previous years has resonated and made you examine pieces of your own life in a way that you might not have otherwise.

Who are you? Really?

1. Name something or a few things that bug you and expound. We want your unfettered opinion(s). Shouldn’t be blog related.

Bad customer service is a pet peeve of mine, as is close-mindedness. I also hate unfairness and intolerance.

2. Tell us about one of your best childhood memories.

My best memories are playing cards with my grandfather. Family card cames were (and still are) huge in my house and I love the moments when the extended family gets together for huge trash talking games.

3. Describe your perfect day.

A good morning kiss from an attractive man holding coffee and the paper....leisurely reading the paper in bed with said coffee and attractive man. Going for a walk through a park or walking some trails and then coming home and cooking a fabulous dinner that magically gets cleaned up on its own and finally sitting on the couch with a good movie and an even better glass of wine.

4. Do you have a hobby that you love?

Photography, though I guess that's now more of a business than a hobby. Can your business be your hobby? Aside from that, it's got to be reading. I read everything and anything and am famous for my collection of books.

5. Tell us the best and the worst thing about being you.

The best thing about me is my knowledge and way of thinking and processing things, the worst thing is my fierce independence. I'm at the point where it doesn't even occur to me to do things with other people, and forget asking for help ever. It's not in my vocabulary.

6. What’s the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you? We want all the details.

I tend to block out all humiliating events from my consciousness as soon as they are over. I suggest you try it.

7. What blog related thing bugs you?

Spam, mean commenters, when blogger eats my posts.

Personal stuff:

How old are you? 29
Married? No
Children? No

Favorite season? Fall
Favorite pass time? Laying in bed watching movies.

Favorite color? I'm not a fan of color, though I do love the many shades of Grey

Favorite movie? Ocean's 11
Favorite song? It changes weekly, this week it's I'm Not Over by Carolina Liar

Mac or PC? I actually like em both.
Dog or Cat? Dog
Salt or Pepper? Pepper

Vanilla or Chocolate? Organic dark chocolate....YUM

Diet Coke, Sweet Tea or Evian? Coke Zero or really good plain black iced tea

Steak, Chicken or Shrimp? I'm not a huge meat eater, but I can deal with chicken.

Annoyed!

There's a little hair salon I walk past every morning on my way to work. This morning I thought I would try to make an appointment for a simple eyebrow wax so I called them up and inquired about making an appointment. The man who answered the phone said I could come over any time and they would just do it.

I threw some clothes on and headed over. The receptionist (a woman) told me they were too busy and to "come back later". When I asked to make an appointment, she just said to come later. I again inquired as to what time and she finally said, I guess 4pm, but didn't take my name or anything.

I am so annoyed I don't even want to go back. There is a fancier salon somewhat nearby that I could try to go to, but at this point I think I'm just going to get out the tweezers and start hacking away myself. Ugh! What happened to good customer service???!

Less of a Person

There are 3 of us in my group at work and yesterday one of my group
members unexpectedly quit. The other remaining girl was asked to step
up and take on the job of the one who quit. When asked, she declined
saying she was getting married and needed to be home with her husband
and would not take on any additional work, which of course meant that
now the responsibilities will fall to me (for a variety of reasons
they don't want to replace the person leaving). I am incensed and
can't seem to get past it. Why is my time less valuable because I'm
single? I have another job and am taking classes right now, *I* also
need to be home, but don't have the "I have a husband" card to play.
Second jobs are HIGHLY looked down upon here, so I don't feel
comfortable sharing that information with my boss anyway. The whole
situation is terribly unfair. I've always been the one in my group to
shoulder the burden. I'm the ONLY one who comes to work on time. I
never leave for lunch, take personal calls at work or make
appointments during the day. I don't want the additional job
responsibilities, but quite frankly, I'm actually slightly offended it
wasn't offered to me. I know I'm a much better employee than my
co-workers.

The "getting married girl" only supports ONE person, I already have
two bosses and work significantly more than 40 hours a week. She comes
at least 15-30 minutes late daily and leaves exactly on time every
day. The new job would mean that she would take on one additional
person and it would even the playing field. Now, I will have 3 people
to report to and her just the one. All because I'm not married and
don't have a family.

I feel as though I'm being looked at as less of a person simply
because I'm not in a relationship. I fully acknowledge that I already
look at myself that way (and so does my mother) so I'm oversensitive
to the issue and took it personally when the woman declined to take on
additional work for "marriage" reasons, but I've long felt that I've
done MORE than my fair share of the work (and coincidentally am paid
less than the others, despite being here 4 times as long).

Why does being married mean you are better, and your time is more
valuable, than someone who is single?

Because I couldn't NOT Post This Link

I wasn't going to post anything 9/11-related, partly because I'm still processing that day 7 years ago and partly because I know there is no way I could do any of the emotions justice, but I randomly came across this post and couldn't bear NOT to post it.

See Metro Dad's tribute....and have the Kleenex ready.

Why my Utopia is Having my own Washer and Dryer

I was all excited to do laundry last night...I had sorted, dug the fabric softener out of the closet, loaded everything into my basket and was headed out the door.

Until I realized I had no quarters, no cash and my ATM card was at work.

Ugh. I DREAM of a world where I don't have to go outside, cross two streets and treat quarters like gold currency in order to wash my sheets!

Project!

I'm bored at work and have decided to take on a major project:

Organizing my iTunes. I work in the entertainment industry and get a LOT of free music and it's overtaken my iPod. I'm digging in, weeding out and making all new playlists.

Wish me luck. If I don't surface by tonight it's because I lost in a sea of Weezer, BB King and Linkin Park.

Crossroads

I've been doing the freelance photography/photo retouching thing for awhile and it's going well. I've been learning a lot and it's something I really enjoy doing. I've made some money doing it and have probably broken even considering the money I've spent on classes, software, etc., but I've reached a point where if this is something I am going to do more I need to make a significant investment into upgrades and equipment.

I would love to jump in and seriously attempt to continue my path to making this into my main career, but I'm plagued with fear of failure and the nagging voice in my head that says "you are not good enough to do this". I hate that voice, but it's there and I can't help but hear it.

It's the ongoing battle in my head, do I make the decision based on practicality (finances, ability or lack thereof) or emotion (passion)?

Growing up is hard.

Ugh

Worst night of my life. Finally snagged a date with a guy I've liked for almost a year and he spent whole time talking to another hot girl. Was hoping this was a week to be moving on and not being sad and instead just crying over men once again. I'm so bummed.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Insensitivity or Sensitivity?

While in LA I spent a lot of time with an attractive male friend of mine. During my last day there we ate at a cute little outdoor bistro. After we got back to the hotel, he mentioned that when he had stepped away to use the bathroom, our waitress had cornered him and given him her phone number!

I was pissed! How did she know that the two of us weren't a couple??! I would never give a guy my number who was dining with a woman alone. (She didn't inquire as to his status before she offered up her number, I asked him).

Was she being insensitive or am I being over sensitive?? Thoughts?

Back

Back from LA. Trip was great. Very relaxing and I think I got some good photos. Red eye was a bad idea though. Just got off plane and have to go straight to work.

Please send lots of virtual coffee please!!!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Be Good

while I'm gone. I'm heading off for some fun in the sun!

What (non) laboring will you all be doing for Labor Day?

How to get over an ex....

Gin & Tonics and pancakes.

It's oddly very satisfying.

Is life telling me to go back to the gym?

Since I quit the gym, I've taken to doing nightly walks through my neighborhood. The tactic has been effective for me and I almost look forward to the 45 minutes of no Blackerry, no interruptions, just me and my Keith Olbermann podcast. However, I don't live in the greatest neighborhood and have encountered dog attacks, a police raid and wayward badminton birdies when I accidentally walked through a game.

Yesterday's sight though is enough to take me off the streets and heading back to the gym.

I saw a woman wearing a black skirt and shirt and a very thick snakeskin belt. Until I got closer and realized she had a HUGE LIVE SNAKE around her waist.

I'm calling the New York Sports Club first thing tomorrow and renewing my membership. Dogs, drug raids and flying objects I can handle. SNAKES I can not.

Cross posted at The Active Academic

Retail Therapy

After two days of crying on the train during my morning commute out of fear I will unexpectedly run into Tennis Guy, a friend and I engaged in some major retail therapy last night. I had wanted to get some things for LA and boy did I ever. Here's what I ended up with.

1 bottle of Jadore by Dior perfume
1 bottle of Euphoria Blossom by Calvin Klein (I liked both and couldn't decide)
1 pair of capri jeans
1 sexy red shirt (side note, doesn't that model scary??)
I pair of SUPER cute jeans that actually fit (I'm down 10 pounds now!!!!)
I pair of work-out capris
1 blazer.....fall will be here sooner than we know!

Whew! It was quite a spree, but I hadn't been shopping in a LONG while and it definitely helped clear my head and get me excited about LA.

Remind me of this when my credit card bill comes. Yikes.

A Year

It's almost a year to the day that I met Tennis Guy for the first time at my favorite little bar around the corner from work. I hadn't dressed up or even done my hair that night. I wasn't expecting to meet someone whose memories I would still be holding on to a year later. 3 apple martinis later I was intrigued. I knew he was only in town for a few more days, but I couldn't help myself, I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to more than kiss him. We left the bar to part our separate ways and he walked me to my train stop. I figured I would never see him again, but I couldn't help but grab and hold his hand as we walked. On the corner where we were to part ways, I looked at him to say goodbye and I knew I had to kiss him. Apparently he felt the same because before I could move, he kissed me and our intense chemistry became apparent, a mere 2 hours after meeting. We said goodbye and I had no idea if I would see him again.

By the time I got home, I had several text messages from him. He wanted to know everything about me as well and I knew our story wasn't done. I saw him every free moment he had in those few days he was still in New York. He left the country after that, and my phone bill grew exponentially with international calls and text messages until he came back to visit me a few weeks later. The weekend we spent together was beyond amazing. He left the country again after that but we still spoke often and kept in touch daily. It had only been a few months, but marriage was spoken of and for the first time in my life, the concept didn't frighten me. Nothing in my life had felt so right and I thought I'd found my "person".

We went off and on for months until I discovered in March that he was seeing someone else. I was devastated and the wounds are still raw.

Practically I know I shouldn't miss him and cry about him any more, and I probably don't miss him as much as I miss the feeling I had with him, the comfort, the security...the looking towards the future with happiness and possibility instead of the usual dread, but I do still cry about him more than I should. I have a good head on my shoulders, I don't know how I could have been so wrong about him. I'm afraid I will never trust my feelings about people again and I've given up on finding love.

The US Open is next month and he'll be in town again. I don't know if he will try to contact me again, but I know I can't handle it, so I've arranged to be out of NY and will be going to Los Angeles.

They say after break-ups it gets easier over time, but it's been a year and I'm still waiting for the easier. Any day now I'm hoping.

Protests and Things

There is currently a very wild (wild in a jovial, band playing, dancing way not wild in a guns and projectile food products way) "Writer's Guild against American Idol" protest going on outside my window at work.

Apparently the line between "party" and "protest" is a very fine one.

For LGG

This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The
walls are so steep he can't get out.

A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, 'Hey you. Can you help
me out?' The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole
and moves on.

Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, 'Father, I'm
down in this hole can you help me out?' The priest writes out a
prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on

Then a friend walks by, 'Hey, Joe, it's me can you help me out?'
And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, 'Are you stupid? Now
we're both down here.' The friend says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here
before and I know the way out.'

Not bad.

Last night's meet up with the wrong number guy went well. No romantic chemistry, but definitely an enjoyable evening with good conversation. He is quite a bit older than I thought (late 40s) but I still think he's someone I would occasionally catch a drink with just to hang out.

All in all a fairly good night for someone I "met" on the phone.

A Random Encounter.....

A few days ago I was at work and my phone rang. I answered and it was a wrong number. The guy was very apologetic and we ended up chatting for a few minutes. Our conversation was fun and before we hung up he said he really enjoyed talking to me.

Today my phone rang again. It was wrong number guy. He said he really enjoyed our conversation the other day and chatting with someone with "intelligence and quick wit" and wanted to know if I would have drinks with him on Friday. I figured why not, as long as I got to pick the place (so I could pick the local bar I frequent near work, where I know the owner and all the Friday night bartenders in case this guy turns out to be creepy).

And that's how I ended up with a date with a stranger for Friday night. I'll let you know how it goes.

Some Love

I feel like I've had a bit of a negative attitude lately and my posts have bit of a bummer so I'm declaring today a Monday of Love. Here's some things I love!

1) Tivo. I love being able to watch what I want, when I want and can I just say that being able to pause live TV just ROCKS!

2) My Michael Kors jeans. No matter what else I'm wearing, I always feel just a bit sexy in these jeans.

3) Trader Joes. I love this grocery store. It's cheap, has good quality food, and I like that they make a point to list where the food came from on the price label. I definitely eat much better during the week when I make a point to go to this store, even though it's an hour train ride from my house.

4) My Blackberry. Maps, the internet, my email, text messages and my calendar all in one place. I'm addicted to being connected 24/7.

5) Chocolate Peppermint Stick Luna Bars. I eat one these for breakfast almost every morning. They taste amazing and it feels like such a decadent way to start the day. Plus they go great with coffee!

6) Making bread from scratch. Armed with nothing more than a wooden spoon, I love the entire bread making process, especially the way the house smells during baking and of course eating that first piece right out of the oven. Screw the no carb diets, sometimes you just need a hot steamy roll with butter.

What do YOU love?

Sucks.

I found out last night my cousin's wife has very advanced breast cancer. They are doing the radical and trying everything they can. There is some hope, but a very very cautious hope. My heart aches for her, my cousin and their 3 year old son.

Sucks. :-(

Today will be better.....

I've been beating myself up for falling off the weight loss wagon yesterday. I ended up gaining weight (though not a lot) back and got uber frustrated that I failed miserably at Day 1 of my running program. Day 1 was supposed to be 10 reps of run 1 min, walk 2. I made it through that cycle only 4 times before having to stop. I'm going to try again tonight though if the weather holds up tonight. I'm also going to be super-strict on my meals today and hopefully I'll be ok by the time Monday's weigh-in rolls around. At this point I'm hoping for a break-even week.

Crash.

Crashed and burned on my diet today. Attempted to start a beginner running program tonight, failed miserably and only made it 1/3 of the way through. Feeling like a failure in too many areas of life.

If you are looking for me, I'll be under the covers in bed until tomorrow. I'm declaring this a do-over day.

Bullets of Non-Energy

- Watched Running with Scissors this weekend. Very strange movie. I would not recommend it. I think I just don't have the patience for movies anymore.

- Survived week 1 of the Twitter Weightloss Challenge and lost a total of 3.2 pounds last week and 7 pounds total since I started my health kick. 20 pounds and 11 weeks to go.

- My first foray into making pasta sauce from scratch went fabulously! I fell asleep and left it in the crock pot a bit longer than necessary, but I caught it in time and was impressed at how easy and tasty it was. I just threw a large can of organic whole peeled tomatoes, 1 medium can of organic tomato sauce, 1 can of burgundy wine and olive oil flavored diced tomatoes, some italian seasoning and 1/2 bag of soy meat crumbles in a crockpot and let it do its thing! I froze a bunch of it and will definitely be making this again. YUM!

Not much else to report....life has been pretty boring lately. Here's hoping for some excitement this week or else I'm going to bore you guys to death.

I didn't have a speech prepared....

The always wise and knowledgeable Seeking Solace at Thoughts from the Waiting Room has deemed me worthy of this:

I feel quite special!! And part of my award means that I get to pass it along to 7 of you guys that I deem special!

First, the rules:
1. Put the logo on your blog.
2. Add a link to the person who awarded it to you.
3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs.
4. Add links to these blogs on your blog.
5. Leave a message for your nominee on their blog.

And now the special peeps:

1. New blogger friend: Christi at Christi's Collections! She posts some FANTASTIC recipes (though not always healthy!!!). She's having a recipe contest this month so stop by and contribute a recipe if you have a fav!

2) Funny girl: CCW at Crazy Cat Woman! She's currently on vaca, but returning soon. She cracks me up on a daily basis and her honesty is very endearing. She rocks!

3) Flamingo Lover: Cheeky at Snow Trapped Southern Girl! This woman has more energy than anyone I know! Whether she's scrappin', concert going, or just hanging with her kids, she's a hoot!

4) Crock Pot Enthusiast: Stephanie at A Year of CrockPotting! She wins for her pure dedication to using her crock pot EVERY day of the year and keeping up with it.

5) Next up: The New Girl! Because she has the CUTEST. CHILD. EVER. and tells stories that make my eyes water, either out of laughter, sadness or both.

6) For her Style: Stephanie at Mama Still Wears Gucci! She cracks me up with her perspective on things and her tales.

7) And now I'm cheating and sort of voting for myself again since I'm a contributor, but I'm voting for EVERYONE who posts at The Active Academic! The ladies (and I think a few gents) were gracious enough to allow me to join them in their weight loss endeavors, even though I'm not an academic, and the tips and support there really motivates me!

Congrats to all the winners!!!

A Weekend of Cooking

Despite the fact, that I'm starting to drop some real pounds, just through major portion control and walking/pilates, I've planned myself a weekend of cooking! I never wanted to "diet" and restrict myself, so my rule is I can eat anything I want, I just can't OVER eat. On the menu this weekend is: homemade Spinach Pizza on a whole wheat crust (dough is rising in the fridge as we speak!) tonight, tomorrow I'll be making pasta sauce from scratch in my inaugural use of the crockpot and Sunday will be Chicken and brown rice in a soy vey marinade.

Let's hope I can work all this off before Monday morning's weigh-in!

100 Things...2 years later....

Someone recently left me a comment on my 100 things post and I found myself re-reading it. It's funny how 2 years and 2 months later so much of it has changed and how much is no longer true! Here's an update for you!!

1. I love dark chocolate covered strawberries. - Still very VERY true.
2. I am an extremely picky eater, there are very few things I will eat. - MUCH less true. Even though I still don't eat most meat, I've really broadened my diet considerably.
3. I bought my first purse at the age of 26. - Still true!
4. I broke a rib once falling off a chair I was standing on trying to get a book off a bookshelf in my parents' library. - Still true!
5. I can't live without post-it flags. - Still true! I love these things!
6. I never wear make-up, but my toenails are always painted red. - Still mostly true, right now they are more of a deep plum.
7. I hate flying during daylight and try only to fly late at night. - Still mostly true. I'll fly any time of the day or night, but if I choice, I still prefer flying at night.
8. I went to two different high schools and will never forgive my dad for moving me during those years. - Still true! SO SO true.
9. I am a white girl who thinks Asian men are HOT. - Still true!
10. I have never in my 27 years had anyone ever call me their girlfriend. - Not true Eharmony boy has referred to me as his girlfriend before.
11. I don't understand the "high" people say they get when they work out. Working out doesn't make me "high" it makes me hungry. - Still true!
12. It bums me out when people don't notice when I get new glasses. - Still true!
13. I get new glasses at least twice a year. - Still true!
14. Taking photographs is the only thing I've ever felt good at. - Still true!
15. I love the Food Network, even though I can't cook anything. - Not true at all. I'm an excellent cook now and make almost everything I eat from scratch.
16. I've seriously considered hiring someone to cook dinner for me so I don't have to eat out 7 days a week. - See above.
17. I have a huge crush on Anderson Cooper. - Still SO SO very true!
18. I make a huge deal out of my birthday and like it when other people do too. - Still true, but I think once my next birthday rolls around, it will be less true.
19. I went through my college graduation ceremony, even though I didn't technically graduate until two years later. - Still true!
20. I've had the same bathing suit since I was 16...and I've only worn it a handful of times. - Recent trips to tropical locations have rendered this untrue. I now own 3 NEW suits.
21. I like swimming but hate having to be that naked in public. - Still true!
22. I have a 401k, but have no idea what it is or how to get my money. - Still sort of true. I know what it is and contribute to it, but have no idea how to get my money.
23. I am deathly afraid of needles. - Still true!
24. Massages make me tense and I hate both giving and getting them - Still true!
25. Sometimes I eat pizza 4 days a week. - Not true, but I do eat it once a week still, but now it's made from scratch by me.
26. I've never called in sick because I was actually sick. - Still true!
27. I can't live without caller ID - Still true!
28. I refuse to buy anything from amazon.com because I think their "prime" program is elitist. I shouldn't have to be in a special club to get my stuff on time. - Still true!
29. I can't stand people who use "street talk". - Still true!
30. But I use the phrase "true that" way too often. - I don't really say this anymore actually.
31. Doctors scare me and I almost never go voluntarily. - Still true!
32. I don't handle disappointment well. - Still true!
33. I can function perfectly on no sleep for several days. - Still true!
34. I eat ice cream with a fork - Still true!
35. I've never played air hockey - Still true!
36. My grandfather taught me how to play cards and I almost never lose. - Still true!
37. Boys won't play cards with me because of it. - Still true!
38. I never answer the doorbell, even if I'm home (unless I'm expecting someone). - Still true!
39. I'm a neat freak, but I almost never make my bed. - Still true!
40. I hate sleeping alone. - Still true, but it's gotten easier.
41. Stupid-funny movies irritate me (anything with Jim Carey/Adam Sandler etc.) - Still true!
42. I hate staying in hotels. - Still partly true.
43. I keep my apartment very dark, I always have to remember to turn lights on when people come over. - Still true!
44. I hate carrying an umbrella, I would rather just get wet. - Still true!
45. Crooked pictures drive me crazy. I go around various restaurants, people's homes, libraries etc. straightening them. - Still true!
46. My wisdom teeth were supposed to be taken out 10 years ago, but I chickened out and just deal with the pain of teething. - I had them out successfully!
47. I went to my senior prom with some guy I met at Taco Bell. - Still true!
48. I will never set foot in another Taco Bell - Still true!
49. The only perfume I will wear is Romance by Ralph Lauren - Still true!
50. Gerber Daisies are my favorite flower. - Still true!
51. I've never gotten flowers from anyone...ever. - Still true!
52. I always read the sections of the paper in a specific order. If someone else is reading my next section, I wait. - Still true!
53. I get anxious if I don't know what time it is. - Still true!
54. It only takes me 15 minutes to get ready for work in the morning. - Still true!
55. I have "empty box syndrome". I almost always keep the box that things come in, so I have it when I move. - Still true!
56. I moved 6 times in my childhood. - Still true!
57. I have the same thing for breakfast almost every morning - Poptarts. - Not true at all. I have a bagel with peanut butter or I splurge on raspberry scone from Starbucks
58. In my lifetime I've had 3 dogs (only one at a time), Moon, Anton and Ginger. - Still true!
59. When I was in First Grade, my cousin used to drive me to school everyday in his Mustang. - Still true!
60. that was the last time I was ever "cool" - Still true!
61. That cousin and I have the same birth date May 13. - Still true!
62. I loathe Fox news and won't even be in the same room if it's on. - Still true!
63. I own over 300 books, and I've read all but 2 - Still true, though I'm pretty sure the number is closer to 500 now...
64. I read the White House press briefing transcripts...because I think they are funny. - Don't read them anymore. I miss Scott McClellan
65. I hate wearing shorts and don't even own a pair. - Still true!
66. All the keys on my keyring have to face the same direction. - Still true!
67. I do my taxes by hand, I'm too cheap to even use Turbo Tax. - Still true!
68. I refuse to ride the bus. - Still true!
69. All but 2 photographs up in my apartment, I took. - Still true!
70. I never tell people who come over that I took them. - I tell most people now.
71. Sometimes I type too fast for my computer and it takes a second for it to catch up. - Still true!
72. I love my label maker, everything in my house is obsessively labeled. - Still true!
73. If I could eat only one food for the rest of my life it would be tiramisu. - Still true!
74. I love putting the little check mark next to my completed tasks in Outlook. - Still true!
75. I own lots of beautiful jewelry, but never wear any of it because I hate looking "accessorized". - Still true!
76. The only thing I miss (aside from my friends) about living in the Midwest is central air conditioning . - Still true!
77. I am incapable of flirting. I once used a Lord of the Flies reference as a pick-up line. It didn't go over very well. - Still true!
78. I won't read certain books/magazines on the train because I don't want people to think I'm vacuous. - Still true!
79. I hate it when people use dinner and diner incorrectly in writing. - Still true!
80. I've only worked at two places my entire life. - Still true!
81. I am excellent at holding a grudge. - Still true!
82. I didn't vote for the first time until the 2004 election. - Still true!
83. My screen name (kaibigan) means friend in Tagalog. - Still true!
84. I hate shaking hands with people. - Still true!
85. My refrigerator contains nothing but Diet Dr. Pepper, ketchup and a jar of pickles. - Not true at all! I have all kinds of healthy foods in there now!
86. I don't have a take-out menu drawer, I have a take-out menu binder, separated into sections by cuisine type with each section in alphabetical order. - Still true!
87. I can't go anywhere without chapstick. - Still true!
88. People who automatically know where North/South/East/West are without using a compass intimidate me. - Still true!
89. I love a good snowball fight. - Still true!
90. Even though I don't use AOL anymore, I still pay for it. - Not true! I finally canceled it!
91. I like Pepsi better than Coke - Still true!
92. My favorite song is Winter by Tori Amos. - No longer true...I have many favorites now.
93. Ironing is very cathartic for me. - Still true!
94. My handwriting is all capital letters, a carryover from my days as a draftsperson. - Still true!
95. I absolutely hate having my picture taken. - Still true!
96. 6 months after getting my driver's license I backed into a friends car while she was in the passenger's seat next to me. The insurance company laughed at me. hard. - Still true!
97. I won't buy holidays versions of my favorite candy (with the exception of York peppermint "batties" at Halloween) because I don't like cutesy food. - Still true!
98. I couldn't swallow pills until I was 16. - Still true!
99. I thought I was a boring person until I filled this out. - Not true. I'm facinating! LOL
100. Thinking of 100 things about myself took me 4 days.

Whoa.

I'm on a conference call and all of a sudden I hear something weird on the other line and my person says. "Um I've got to go, we're having an earthquake!"

Talk about getting the news as it happens!

Hope you CA people are all safe!!!

Here's what I found out.....

My $ breakdown was pretty much as expected. Most of my money goes towards travel, which I knew, though I'm not sure I knew it was that high. Pretty much I'm not cutting out any one thing, but just going to scale back across the board.

Here's how it broke out:

Travel - 32.96%
Photo Business Expenses - 23.69%
Food - 15.32%
Bank Fees - 7.14% *now that I"m all paid up, this amount will go to 0%
Coffee - 6.18%
Entertainment - 5.86%
Misc/Personal Care - 4.67%
Home - 4.18%

Back on Track

Writing out my vows this weekend has really helped me focus and get out of my funk. Day 1 of the twitter weight loss challenge went great, and I also worked a bit on my finances. I am VERY proud to say that my credit card bill for this month was.....

$0.00.

I nearly fell off my chair. I logged into my account because I noticed they hadn't sent me an email with my statement for this month. Imagine my surprise when I realized that they hadn't emailed me my balance because my balance was ZERO! I'm not sure if I'll stay with my 100% cash system, but we'll see. Tonight I will be going through the last 2 months of credit card bills and really taking a hard look at where my money goes. I took a glance while I was printing the statements out and in the last 30 days I spent $125 at Starbucks, so there's a chunk of money that can (and WILL) be significantly reduced. I'll let you know what the rest of the breakdown is. I honestly have NO clue, so it will be fun to find out.

Fun? Ok that might be an overstatement...but still.

My Vows

No, I’m not getting married, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the changes I want to make in my life. I want to make some vows to myself for the things I am going to do to make my life better.

Health

- I vow to lose 25lbs.

* I already participate in The Active Academic, and have also joined a Twitter Weight Loss Challenge that starts on Monday. This vow will be my focus for the next 12 weeks.

- More long-term I vow to deal with my intense iatrophobia and have check-ups at the doctor, dentist and OBGYN. I also vow to consider returning to therapy (I had a terrible experience in therapy several years ago (I went twice and somehow annoyed my therapist so much she asked me not to return and refused to give me a referral to anyone else, and have been reticent to go back).

- I will cook more often and continue my goal of reducing processed foods in my diet.

* In the past year I have significantly reduced my intake of processed foods, cut out 90% of my soda drinking and started cooking from scratch, but I want to expand on this. First up is making my own pasta sauce.

Financial

- I vow to rebuild my second savings account and get serious about having a financial cushion.

- I also vow to spend the extra money coming to me in October on a trip to California, but to save every penny of my holiday bonus in my second savings account and keep it there.

* I recently got out of debt and now want to take that second step of rebuilding my savings. I vow to go through the last two months of bills and figure out where my disposable income is going and to put myself on a budget.

Social

- I will go out and explore the city more.

*I bemoan that I’m unhappy in NY, but I haven’t truly “lived” here. I don’t go out, I don’t experience the city. Even if it means I sit outside my favorite bar once a week alone and have a martini, I WILL start experiencing life again.

Career(s)

- I vow to give myself a 5 month job hunt reprieve, but to start seriously looking on January 1. When my lease runs out on August 1, 2009, I will NOT renew it.

- During this 5 month hiatus, I vow to focus on my photography/photo editing free-lance work and to continue my Photoshop education that I have recently been neglecting.

Charity

- I vow to continue to give back.

* I will continue to actively participate in the solider pen pal program I am a part of.

Environment

- I vow to continue to do my part for the environment.

* In the past few years I have diligently been recycling, switched to environmentally-friendly cleaning products and bringing my own bags to the grocery store. I will continue with these endeavors. I also hope to start shopping at my local farmer’s market and supporting local businesses where I can.

Personal

- I vow to get over Tennis Guy and to not accept less than I deserve in my personal relationships.

Interview Update....

I called the company back and she interviewed me on the phone on the spot. I wasn't a match for what they were looking for, so I'm not a contender for the position.

Oh well. Sigh.

OH MY!

I got an interview!!!! *I think

One of the jobs in Chicago I applied for left me a voicemail today! They said they were calling in reference to my resume, which certainly SOUNDS like they want to bring me in. Hurrah!

The only issue is how to interview. I put my parents Illinois address on my application and wrote in my cover letter I was "in the process of relocating"..but obviously I'm still living in NY full-time. I guess when I call them back I'll just explain that I "split my time" between the two places and ask if we could do a phone interview. That's ok right?

Progress!

I met a guy recently who I thought had date potential. He was attractive, intelligent and we clicked instantly, but I got a hint of a "player"vibe from him.

Normally I wouldn't go with my gut and would continue pursuing him, hoping that I was either 1) wrong or 2) going to be "the one" he gives up his harem for, but I'm done with bad relationships with toxic men and wasting my time.

I am going to trust my instincts, politely decline any future dates and MOVE ON!

Hurrah for the first step in getting a romantic backbone!

You can't make this stuff up....

I work for a privately owned company. It's owned by one older gentleman and his wife. To call them eccentric is the understatement of the century and there is obviously some dementia or other mental health condition as well. It's not the easiest working situation, but it's certainly never dull. Take today for example:

One of my duties for today was to organize a birthday party, including cake, champagne and candles for a co-worker. A co-worker that he refuses to call his real name and instead calls by a fictitious name. The cake says Happy Birthday "fictitious name". It is nowhere near his birthday. The owner knows this and doesn't care. He has prepared "fake" speeches to read and attendance is required for everyone in the company.

At least now the insanity comes with booze and cake....

What Happened

I just finished reading the former White House press secretary's book, What Happened. Though I am clearly not a Republican, I have always had a fondness for Scott McClellan. During his tenure as press secretary I read his press briefing transcripts daily. I had mixed feelings though, when I heard he had written a book. I think it's tacky to write a book capitalizing on your job and exposing "company" secrets. In the end though, curiosity got the best of me and I bought the book in an airport on one of my recent trips.

Within the first few pages, and certainly by the end I realized how different his job was to any other position in the world. His was not a a typical job in which you may receive mis-information that you in turn pass along to a small group of coworkers and all is forgotten by the end of the week. He was put in front of the world on a daily basis and part of his job unfortunately involved unknowingly (for the most part) deceiving the entire country. He wrote the book not to capitalize on the experience, but to apologize for it, and in that regard, I respect him for writing his story and attempting to restore the credibility he lost during those years.

I am admittedly a news junky and make a point to get my daily news fix from a variety of U.S. and foreign sources, so I didn't really expect to learn any new information in his book and for the most part I didn't. In regards to the war and the reasons behind our engaging in it, he did mostly just confirm what eventually came out in the media eventually so there was no surprise there, and the same with the Valerie Plame leak, though he did clear up some timeline questions that I'd had regarding that scandal. Most surprising was a relatively small part of the book near the end where I learned more about the federal governments handling (or not handling as the case may be) of Katrina. They were wildly cavalier about the severity of the storm and largely ignored it until way too late in the game. I shouldn't have been surprised though. Time after time the government of the past 8 years has shown a disregard for truth and information and instead has pushed an agenda based on politics and spin. In all fairness though, the 8 years prior to that did the same thing, and, as Scott points out in his book, it's indicative of a large problem in government which is the culture of deception.

Overall I'm happy I gave in and bought the book. Though it definitely has some style problems, he jumps around time-wise and is hard to follow at times, and I could have done without of a few (of the many) personal attacks on Condoleeza Rice, I was glad to have read his side of the story. At the very least it makes me feel at least a little bit better about my own job.

Coming Out of It

I've been trying to keep my head above water lately, and there are days when it feels like I'm in a bathtub and days when it feels like I'm in an ocean, but I'm starting to come around I think. The soldier I've been writing to in Iraq sent me a letter and some photos this weekend, which did wonders for regaining some perspective on life.

I've been unhappy lately, probably since I came to New York 4 years ago, maybe even before that. The events that lead to my escaping Illinois and coming here were traumatic and life-altering. It was one of those moments that defines a piece of you by what you choose to do with the event. I chose bitterness, resentment and hate. I chose to take a path that took me even farther away from my true self. So far away that I almost don't know who that is anymore.

Let's hope I can find it buried underneath the sea of bad choices.....

I interrupt this moment....

I'm still in my "moment" but I wanted to share a funny story from work today:

I have one MAJOR pet peeve and that is fingerprints or marks on my computer screen. If anyone comes anywhere near my screen with a finger or pen, I have minor convulsions and have (embarrassingly) been known to bat the President of my company's hand away when it gets too close to the screen when he is pointing out errors in documents to me. Needless to say, I NEVER touch my own screen.

Today I needed to make a personal phone call at work in private. Having forgotten my Blackberry at home, a co-worker said I could borrow her phone and handed it to me. I was in such a rush to get downstairs to make my call, that I didn't look at it.

I get outside and take the phone out of its case to dial and I realize she gave me an iPhone....no keys or buttons, just a touchscreen.

Crap.

I made multiple attempts, but I just could NOT bring myself to touch the screen to use it. Luckily I bumped into another coworker who was heading out to run an errand and borrowed his phone.

Guess I can cross iPhone off my Christmas list.

A Moment.

I'm having a moment. A moment where I feel lonely in this world. A moment where I feel overwhelmed and powerless. A moment where I feel it just shouldn't be THIS hard.

Be back later when my moment is over.

#1...Sent!

I sent out job application #1 today. I think I may finally be in a groove with this whole cover letter thing. Normally they make me want to find the nearest sharp object and stab myself repeatedly, but this was seemed to come a bit easier. Perhaps doing it while sitting outside on the patio of my favorite local pub with a glass of wine was the trick.

Edited to add:

Damn damn damn! I just realized I had a spelling error in my application for that job! Sucessful instead of successful. Grrrrr! I HATE it when I do that.

A Summer Treat!

A friend of mine recently told me about a pool/spa that's about a 45 minute train ride away from my apartment. It's a bit pricey, but a daily pass includes access to their gym in addition to their various pools and the photos look beautiful. I can't afford to go too much, but it looks like a perfect occasional summer treat for myself! The prices are cheaper during the week, so I think I'll play hooky one gorgeous summer day and have some fun!

Waving Goodbye

I have never felt like I was on the same life path as the rest of my peers. Growing up the daughter of a teacher turned principal, I was certainly never going to be the kid who everyone wanted to hang out with. My family also moved quite a few times during my youth, and those being pre-email and instant message times, the few friendships I did make were usually short-lived. The few attempts I've made at romantic relationships have never been successful and/or healthy and the older I get, the slimmer the pickings seem to be. Always one to be independent, be it due to nature or nurture, I've never been a person who excelled in relationships or socialization.

Already someone whose life-long independence has spawned many feelings of loneliness, I've gone through my nearly 30 years of life watching others around me be successful at exactly the things in life that I have not been. The years post-college started the "bridesmaid" years where my friends all seemed to get married en masse. In recent years even my sister, younger than me by 8 years, got engaged (though it was subsequently called off). Though I am, of course, happy for the love that my friends and family have found with their partners, the happy times also stir up some ugly self-reflection and questioning of "what is so wrong with me that nobody wants to love me?". I hate that I can't be selfless in these moments and not have the happiness of others link to my own inadequacies.

Now it's on to a new phase. The "marrieds" are spawning and my email inbox is flooded with sonogram photos, birth announcements and first birthday party invites. The gap between me and my friends on the path of life is widening and I can't even see them in the distance any more. The people I care about most in the world are creating their own beautiful families and I'm still the girl in the corner at a junior high dance chewing on her hair. My support system has done what you are supposed to do, grow up, find someone who walk the path of life with and, if the two of you choose, have children. I certainly don't fault them for having new lives and a shift in priorities, but I can't help but selfishly feel abandoned and even jealous that they all have managed to do something I have repeatedly failed at.

I don't want to be someone who can't be happy for other people, or who finds that the happiness of others causes pain, but I fell that is slowly who I am turning into. I have a constant internal struggle between relationships I desire to have and my inherent belief that I am just not capable of, or built for, love and cohabitation. I know I need to accept that it's ok if I am alone and develop my own life, outside of the pressures of society (and my mother) to "settle down" in traditional ways, but I don't know how to do that when everyone else around me is traveling down the same path together and I'm far behind waving to them in the distance.

The Month of No Purchases

I recently paid off ALL my debt and since then have been successful at keeping myself out of debt, but I'm just barely breaking even. I depleted my savings in order to become debt free, but if I'm serious about my job hunt and moving, I am going to have to start to rebuild that as quickly as I can. One of the ways I'm going to jump start this is to declare July the month of NO non-food/basic essentials purchases. Every month I look at my credit card statements and see hundreds of dollars that didn't need to be spent. I've always had trouble with creating a budget because a significant portion of my income is overtime and my paycheck fluctuates greatly each pay period.

Hopefully a month of no purchases will help jump start my savings. It would be nice to have more than $0.06 left over in a month (which was what I currently have left in my account after paying my bills).

Any tips for saving money and/or saving on food would be MUCH appreciated! How do you budget savy people survive?!

Settle a Disagreement!

Internets I need your opinion! Here's the situation and please let me know who you think is right!

I am one of 3 assistants at work who all share an office. We all support different departments and people and technically our jobs should not in any way overlap. Except that because I show up on time, stay late and do not leave my desk for hours at a time during the day to run personal errands and/or get my nails** done like my two co-workers do, I end up doing quite a bit of their work. Their bosses (who are higher than mine) come in and routinely ask me to do things for them, simply because I was the one in the room when they came in.

**their bosses KNOW they leave, but never do anything about it and it's my #1 (daily!) complaint to HR.

Here is the disagreement: *I* believe that if the task is an immediate task (e.g., "go get me coffee", "get person X on the phone" etc.) it should, of course, be done by the person who was asked (aka usually me). However, if the task given was something for the future (e.g., "set up a meeting next week with Y", "make my travel plans for October") then it's perfectly ok to take the note for the person's actual assistant and have THEM do it. My coworkers, however, think whomever is asked should be the person who does the task, no matter when it is for. It should be noted that they are rarely, if ever, asked by my boss to do things 1) because I'm always at my desk and 2) because the department I work in has very specific knowledge that they wouldn't necessarily know how to do.

Thoughts?

I don't get it.....but I'm doing it.

Can someone explain Twitter to me? I recently joined the craze, but I'm not sure I get it! Have I really hit the age where technology is outgrowing me and I can no longer keep up???

Happy 4th!

Happy 4th to everyone out there! I'm enjoying my day off by organizing my kitchen cabinets and scrubbing the fridge!

While I'm up to my elbows in old leftovers and breathing in the smell of Method's Cucumber All-Purpose Cleaner (LOVE this stuff), here's a few fun 4th of July facts from MSN.

10 Surprising Facts About the Fourth of July

Everyone loves Independence Day, the quintessential American holiday, full of parades, picnics, and ... surprising facts? You bet! Be the life of the party--share a few of these tasty nuggets of knowledge with your fellow picnickers this year.

1. Independence Day commemorates the formal adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776. However, it was not declared a legal holiday until 1941.

2. Fireworks were made in China as early as the 11th century. The Chinese used their pyrotechnic mixtures for war rockets and explosives.

3. Uncle Sam was first popularized during the War of 1812, when the term appeared on supply containers. Believe it or not, the U. S. Congress didn't adopt him as a national symbol until 1961.

4. There are many precise rules for taking care of the American flag. And speaking of flag traditions, we're sorry to report that contrary to legend, historical research has failed to confirm that Betsy Ross sewed the first flag.

5. Not all members of the Continental Congress supported a formal Declaration of Independence, but those who did were passionate about it. One representative rode 80 miles by horseback to reach Philadelphia and break a tie in support of independence.

6. The first two versions of the Liberty Bell were defective and had to be melted down and recast. The third version rang every Fourth of July from 1778 to 1835, when, according to tradition, it cracked as it was being tolled for the death of Chief Justice John Marshall.

7. The American national anthem, the "Star-Spangled Banner," is set to the tune of an English drinking song ("To Anacreon in Heaven").

8. The iron framework of the Statue of Liberty was devised by French engineer Alexandre-Gustave Eiffel, who also built the Eiffel Tower in Paris.

9. The patriotic poem "America the Beautiful" was published on July 4, 1895 by Wellesley College professor Katharine Lee Bates.

10. Father of the country and architect of independence George Washington held his first public office at the tender age of 17. He continued in public service until his death in 1799.

Random Act of Kindness Day

This morning on the train a woman spilled her coffee on her outfit and the woman sitting next to me rummaged through her purse and handed the other woman some tissues so she could clean it up. I thought to myself....that was really nice.....

A few moments later I was at Starbucks and noticed the older gentlemen in front of me had left his briefcase on the floor in front of the counter and I ran after him to return in.

What a great way to start my morning!!