A Life Lesson

The cure for a cold is NOT an Apple Martini.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5
Mind:	4.6
Body:	4.8
Spirit:	5
Friends/Family:	2.4
Love:	0
Finance:	7.4
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

This is depressing! How can someone get a ZERO love score??! Oh well at least it looks like I have money ROFL

No regrets.....

I got a lease renewal form in the mail last night. Check A for 1 year, check B for 2 years....both options scare me, I'm so commitment phobic. I think my rent went up, but I can't really tell. I should be able to decipher this thing, it's a 4 page lease renewal and I work in the legal profession and read contracts all day, but I can not for the life of me figure out what it says. Anyway, I digress.

1 year or 2....how many more years is my NYC stage of life? I refuse to put a time limit on myself. Just as I knew when it was time to come out here, I believe I'll know when the time to return is. I only know that when I move on from this stage, I want to have no regrets. I want to be able to look back on the places I've been and the experiences I've had here and say that I truly lived a life in NYC.

Things left to do:

Spend more time in the park! Central Park, Carl Shurtz Park and Flushing Meadow
Go to Chelsea Piers
Take NYC photos (including night skyline shots)
Get kissed in Central Park during a snowstorm....
Go to Yankee stadium (already been to Shea)
Go to the NY public library
See the Frick collection
Visit the International Center for Photography

I'll add to the list (and check things off) I'm sure, but that's a start....my NYC no regrets list.....1 year or 2...

HURRAH! I finally replaced my camera that got stolen! Found an incredible deal online (and a $100 Canon rebate) and couldn't pass it up. Hurrah Hurrah!!!!!!! The debacle is over!

A TV rant.....

I’m sitting alone in my apartment watching TV and I’m noticing that every commercial shows someone wearing a wedding ring. Now I’ve long noticed them in commercials for baby products and mattresses and I’ve accepted that. I understand the wholesome image they are trying to project, but now even the most commonplace products have that glamour wedding ring shot, and for what purpose? Do I have to be married to take Allergy medicine? Does singledom mean I can’t buy cotton? Own a car? These commercials never show another person, never allude to marriage, so why the wedding ring? I feel excluded and not validated as a whole person, just because I’m not married. Society (and my mother) give me enough pressure as it is to “settle down” and find a husband, now I have to endure it from the latest Tums commercial too?

It's a bit slow today at work with all the execs out at opening day of the Mets. I've now spent hours blog browsing and throwing everyone's secret blog stat counters off. A lot of people have posted about music and what songs bring back certain memories for them. Though also someone who is affected by music, books also spawn certain memories for me. A book is a photograph in my mind. I remember the giver or the place on my travels I bought it long after I've forgotten the story contained within:

The Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan was a birthday gift from Caryn my last year in college. A beautiful story, I'm actually reading again, despite the strain of having to carry a heavy hardcover book on my commute each day.

My Cambridge Guide to Theatre.....a fantastic reference book while in college, later used for pressing leaves during a Martha Stewart moment. I bought new bookshelves last month and in the re-arranging of books dozens of forgotten leaves fluttered out.

The T.S. Eliot book I bought on my first trip to Boston with CDC...a book I've yet to read....

In the Lake of the Woods...one of the few books I've ever read in one sitting. I sat in the armchair of Cornie's house in Urbana with my legs slung over the side engrossed in the story, unaware of time passing. Still one of my favorite books, I try to read it at least once a year.

O...ff to browse Amazon for some new memories...

Are you kidding me?

So everyone else was doing the findyourspot.com thing, so I thought I'd give it a try. Now as you are reading this list of the places it says I'm best suited to live, keep in mind that I currently live in New York City. I'm thinking the transition from NY-Toledo would be a bit rough....

Top 10 places I should apparently live:
1. Norfolk, VA
2. Charlotte, NC
3. St. Louis, MO
4. Indianaoplis, IN (coincidentally where I was born)
5. Des Moines, IA
6. Cincinnati, OH
7. Toledo, OH
8. Omaha, NE
9. Columbus, OH
10. Carslisle, PA

I truly do not think I would live in ANY of the above-mentioned cities....I can't believe that website things I'm the Nebraska kind of gal. Guess it's time to break out the ruby slippers and follow the yellow brick road.

Oh How Things Change..

As a child I used to love the sound of the local ice cream truck. As soon as you heard the cheerful tune, you begged your mom for 50 cents (or stole it from her wallet if she wasn't around) and ran outside. Now I'm older and the incessant 15 note melody incites a completely different reaction. I have thoughts of widening hips, lactose intolerance and jingle induced migranes. Oh how things change.

I’ve been stuck lately on this notion of “fun”. I go to work and hear people talk about their weekends, what bars they went to, where they went golfing, what dinner party they attended and I find myself wondering what it is like to have a “life”. The answer to “what did you do this weekend” for me is always exactly the same “nothing”. People think I’m exaggerating when I tell them I go home on Friday night and literally do not leave my apartment again until Monday morning. I sleep a lot, browse the net and flip aimlessly through the TV channels, or watch old episodes of the West Wing on DVD. Every weekend. Was I born the social equivalent of an 80 year old shut-in? I remember being slightly more social in high school, but I guess it’s easier to be social when you have friends and people asking you to hang out. I accept that the romantic relationship thing is not something I am capable of handling, I’m not in any way looking for a boyfriend, I’m looking for a friend. For some reason, I’ve not been able to really click with anyone at work. The other people on the assistant level have taken to a complete hatred of me for some reason, so they are out of the question. One of the interns who is actually from Iowa and I chat a bit, but she’s in school and working two jobs and doesn’t really have time to hang out. The other person I talk to with any regularity is married and it’s always a very awkward situation for a single woman to ask a married man to hang out. I feel it’s inappropriate, even though I have no ulterior intentions. I had always heard that NY was hands down the worst place to meet people and it’s completely true. In a city of millions, it’s hard to believe, but everyone is so insular it’s nearly impossible to break in. It’s proof that you can be lonely in even the largest of cities.

I think I feel like I missed out on my “wild days”. I’m afraid of looking back in several years and finding out that my chance to be free and fun is gone. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I honestly do not know how to have fun. Was it a class in college I skipped? One of the gen-ed courses I forgot to take? When do we learn to have fun?

DST

I absolutely loathe daylight saving time. My internal body clock is already completely wacky and add in changing the time on me every 6 months and it totally throws me off. I don't know anyone else who is as affected by this as I am. I'm also quite anal about the clocks in my house...I absolutely can not stand clocks in the same room that don't say the exact same time. Setting clocks in my house is a very tedious job and I am not looking forward to having to do it today.

Also, fun fact: It is NOT daylight savingS time as most people think. The correct grammar is actually dalight saving time. Even though daylight savingS time is commonly known (and appears in the dictionary), it's technically incorrect. The word saving is modifying time (ex. dog walking timee), it is a saving daylight kind of time, hence the singlular form of the word.

Rargh....of to play with clocks. bleah.

I forgot to charge my iPod last night, so I was forced to plug my headphones into the gym tv/audio system. The person before me had left the TV turned to the in-house music video station, so I decided to give it a shot. It was an interesting mix of old school 80's videos, some new stuff (actually quite a bit of stuff from the record label I work at as well) and in terms of genre was completely across the board, rock, metal, alternative, pop, rap, definitely a good work-out mix. I was trotting along just fine until a rap song by the Artist Fabolus (I think) came on. The video and lyrics to this song nearly knocked me off the treadmill. Basically the song is about a man who is cheating on his wife with another woman. He's praising the "other woman" for being so cool, and not hounding him to spend more time with her or to leave his wife. "you know my situation and sometimes I know you get impatient, but you don't put on shows to get ovations", "You aint ever step out of line, Or get out a pocket, So i made sure canary sent out your locket". I was appalled at this video and the lyrics. Is this really the message people feel is appropriate to send to our children. Boys see this and think it's cool to have extramarital affairs. Girls are taught that status as "the other woman" is not only acceptable, but acceptance of the position is rewarded. It's ludicrous. I hate this society we live in at times.

"Cause the entre ain't as good without something on the side ya' know."

I got tagged..

I got tagged (whatever that means...I'm still newish to all this) and apparently I'm supposed to list 6 weird things about me. Anyone who has read my blog knows WAY more than 6 weird things about me already, but alas, I'm doing as I'm told.

1. I won't eat red meat, fish or pork, but I have a secret love of salami, and sometimes indulge.

2. I'm terrified of the post office. I buy my stamps online and send everything I can either FedEx or UPS. I will NOT go into the post office.

3. When I cook (stop laughing), I do the dishes BEFORE I eat. The kitchen must be clean before I'll sit down to eat my food.

4. I absolutely love doing laundry and ironing. Its very cathartic for me.

5. I own hundreds of books, yet I refuse to put them in any order. I like the hunt when I'm looking for something specific.

6. I'm a photographer, yet I absolutely can not stand to have my own photo taken. I loathe the thought of someone having a photograph of me in their posession.

A true nightmare.....

I rarely dream, or at least I rarely remember my dreams, but last night I dreamt I was in love. I've never had a dream like this before. I don't know how I knew I was, or even who he was, but when I woke up I knew I had just dreamt love. I'm not someone who believes that dreams mean anything, but this one really shook me up for some reason. I've never dreamt an emotion before...it's a very powerful thing.

Everyone is out at meetings on Thursdays, hence the excessive blogging.

In my infinite boredom, I've been blog browsing on blogger.com...it's an exercise in humanity and I like being reminded that there are other people out there with the same crazy thoughts and habits as I have.

One of the things that came up in something I was reading was the concept of a "love language". It was a definite "light bulb moment" for me as Dr. Phil says. We all absorb things differently. I consider myself a romantic, I respond best to actions of love, while some people respond better to verbal expressions of love, or physical expressions of love. We get upset when people question our feelings, yet we don't acknowledge that everyone has a different heart and a different way of not only expressing it, but also of believing. I say that nobody has ever loved me, and yet I can't help but wonder if perhaps they did, I just didn't see it.

Oh the memories......for you Caryn....

I was chatting online with a co-worker this morning and the subject of college antics came up.....Now by no means am I wild....for me the typical weekend includes scrubbing the bathtub and watching old episodes of the West Wing on DVD in my pjs, but like most people, I've done some stupid things in my life. Unfortunately (or fortunately I suppose) one of my roommates in college, was into photography and captured many of my moments, so for all eternity I can be reminded of my stupidity. Normally I'm terrified to have my picture taken. I absolutely loath being in front of the camera and always volunteer to take group photos when I can, but during my college years I didn't care, or didn't notice and I have a wonderful photo album filled with memories. (One that I will hopefully never have to share with anyone, ever). I happened to flip through it last night and couldn't help but laugh at my favorites.....Deciding it was going to be a fantastic idea to sled down the stairs of my apartment on my hardcover sketch book (great idea until I hit the wall at the landing where the stairs turn).....Staying up for 3 days straight drafting and being so irritated by the large tree-like weed growing out side the window next to my drafting table that I did some 3am pruning....with a butcher knife.....trying to solder my circuits project after 2 days of no sleep and burning my fingers to a crisp.....and of course my favorite....taking my roommates desk apart using only a hammer in order to get a stuck drawer to open....Various roommates took part in their own antics as well. Mike who once tried to scare me by putting a paper bag over his head and charging at me with the Dustbuster (which didn't work but I have a fantastic photo of him trying)...Adam who once set the kitchen on fire, to which his only course of action was to say "whoa"....Andy who once forgot to remove the wrapping from a frozen pizza and put it in the oven.....and Erin who dressed her boyfriend up in my high school homecoming dress and took him to a party. Not to mention there is still the issue of the missing colander...which I'm pretty sure can be found at Curt's house...but I've since replaced it and am trying to let that one go...It's ok...we got them even in one of the best snowball fights in the history of winter....

I miss those days. I definitely don't have as much fun as I did back then. I miss being surrounded by creativity and artistic-minded people. I don't know if I appreciated it back then...but I definitely miss it now.....

Thanks for the trip down memory lane....

So....I was thinking...

That it probably isn't normal to be cleaning the stove at 3am....but yet, that was exactly what I was doing....the street outside my window was quiet...no noises from the elephants upstairs, just me, my bottle of 409 and a scrub brush.....

Ok...it's official. I'm weird.

First, Last, Next

FIRSTS:

1. First kiss: Age 16, Patrick someone in the high school band room...LOL
2. First love: Still waiting
3. First heartbreak: My high school bf Scott...he cheated on me
4. First car: Blue Mercery Tracer
5. First pet: Moon my one-eyed dog
6. First word: Doggie
7. First concert: Emerson String Quartet....
8. First sexual partner: C at the age of 20
9. First alcoholic beverage: A wine cooler
10. First time you stayed out all night: High school....I liked an older guy and wanted to show him I was grown up...LOL
11. First best friend: Kylene in grade school, Aaron in high school
12. First job: Stagehand
13. First school: Wow..no clue....
12. First movie you watched in a theater: Bambi with my mom
13. First thing you really saved up money for: A drafting table LOL
14. First run in with the Law: Speeding....didn't get a ticket though.
15. First date: Still waiting LOL...hmm probably Scott in high school...movies or something

--------------------------------------------------------

LASTS:

1. Last kiss: No comment, but he was HOT!
2. Last person you hugged: A co-worker I think after a bad day.
3. Last person you spoke to: My boss's wife.
4. Last alcoholic beverage: Wine last weekend
5. Last sexual partner: No comment, see #1.
6. Last movie: Rush Hour! It was on TV last weekend.
7. Last person you thought of: See #1 and 5 LOL
8. Last school you went to: University of Illinois
9. Last person you said " I love you" to: Nobody
10. Last run in with the Law: Car accident a few years ago..
11. Last fight you were in: Verbal? a few nights ago, physical - back in college.
12. Last bar/club/concert/party you went to: Cipriani Wall Street
13. Last person you e-mailed: Grace
14. Last thing you ate: Rice and peas
15. Last thing you saved up money for: Car
-------------------------------------------------------

NEXT

1. Next person you want to kiss: The last person I kissed.
2. Next movie you want to see: In her Shoes
3. Next person you want to go out with: CH
4. Next car you want to have: Ford Escape Hybrid
5. Next time you're going out: Monday night I think
6. Next time you're going to move: In 2 years or so back to IL.
7. Next thing you are going to save money for: Car
8. Next time that you will drink alcohol: No idea.
9. Next person you are going to call: Grace probably
10. Next place you'll take vacation: London
11. Next thing you are going to do after filling this survey out: Go back to work.
12. Next thing you are going to eat: No clue...
13. Next time you plan to be drunk: My birthday
14. Next thing you are going to do outside: Walk to the subway to go home.
15. Next person you'd like to see fill this out: Caryn

I'm a single gal....

I'm a single NYC gal, good job, supports herself, buy books like most women buy clothes, drug free and have no more than the normal amount of insanity that ones has to posess to live in NY, so why on earth is it THIS hard to find a date in this city (or any city for that matter). Could it really be that I have dated ALL the eligible Asian men already? According to yahoo personals, eharmony and match.com, I have. Upon filling out the sometimes extensive profiles required for registration, I'm constantly matched with the SAME guy (Andrew)...who has already had the experience of dumping me and is probably not all that eager to repeat it. Aside from wanting an Asian man, I am extremely open minded about the type of man I want to meet. I'm not even really looking to "date" whatever that means to the kids these days, I'm looking for someone to have a cup of coffee with over the Sunday Times, someone to walk through Central Park with on a sunny Saturday afternoon....grab an ocassional drink with after a hard day at work...Can I really be at the absolute bottom of the NYC dating pool? At this point I'm not even IN the pool, I'm in the locker room stuck trying to figure out if I have my suit on backwards or not....

I'm tired. Not the kind of tired that goes away after a 20 minute nap, not the kind of tired where you'll catch up after a good night's rest, but the kind of completely exhaustion that only goes away with a good close the drapes, turn the phones off 15 hour hibernation kind of sleep. Let's hope coffee can stave this off until the weekend....

Opened the new car/moving savings account today. A friend suggested that I have a separate (non ATM linked) account and I found one with no minimum and a decent interest rate, so I went for it. I need to be better in general about saving and this is definitely a great way to start. I've also GOT to replace the camera that got stolen. I definitely want that before my trip to London this summer.

Here officially begins my stint in frugality!!!!

The new bookcases arrived! Even though I had to spend my entire weekend attempting to assemble them by myself (a task that with help would have two hours tops) it was well worth it. I have empty shelf space again! Hurrah!

Off to browse amazon.com...it's a vicious vicious circle...

I'm tired of being the pool you are dangling your feet in. Either jump in or leave.

What extreme boredom at work makes you do....

pry off all the keys on your keyboard and clean the crumbs out...now if only I could remember where the letters go....

Ok. Enough with the snow coverage already! Yes, we got a lot of snow. Yes it's difficult to walk in. Yes it cancelled lots of flights, but we GET it....Snow is hard to deal with, but we're all going to be ok. This is not Apocolypse Now. CNN, NY Post, Daily News...please go find some real news. Like tratracking down prominent lawmakers who shoot friends for sport on the weekends.

The concept of baggage came up in another forum, but I didn't want to post my thoughts there. Baggage is the stuff that makes a person real. It's the lessons of their past, the scars from their experiences, their triumphs, their accomplishments. Without baggage we would be empty, an unused suitcase with no travels or scratches.

Some people search for an ideal in a mate. They want someone who is flawless and settle for nothing less than their definition of perfection. I seek the scars of another person, the marks from a life lived. I want someone who doesn't hide their history, who has a story to tell and who wants to hear even the ugliest facets of mine. I want someone who is real.

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in teh breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

Sonnet 130 -W. Shakespeare

Expectations....

Someone asked me recently if it was possible to be just be friends with someone you have/had romantic feelings for. I absolutely think it's possible, but not without a LOT of torture, tears and heartache. It comes down to whether you feel that the moments of friendship that you do share are worth the moments of sadness that will accompany them. It baffles me that we put ourselves in these situations. How many friendships never came to light because we destroyed them with expectations of romance and dating and were dissapointed? How can you even truly like someone before you know them? You meet someone who kind-of might be cool and jump straight in to "potential relationship mode". It's not the qualities of the person you are attracted to, it's the idea of a relationship and hormones that are calling the shots. I'm definitely guilty of falling in love with ideas and not people. Maybe not so much ideas, but with possibility. A lot of times we fight for the concept of a relationship and not the actual person. One person tries to change the other into the ideal and that is almost always the beginning of the end. I am so sensitive to being altered. Maybe it's my innate stubborness, but as soon as I feel as though I'm not accepted for truly who I am, I bail. I'm the first to admit I suck at relationships, but the one thing I never do is try to make someone into someone they are not. People are complex. They are made up of parts that annoy you, parts that you admire, parts that you hate, parts that you couldn't live without....Relationships (for me) are about loving the sum of the parts, the bigger picture. The whole person. Unfortunately, people get to chose the parts of themselves that you get to see. The "bigger picture" is still cropped. We all have secrets we'll never tell, parts of our history that will always remain just ours. The trick is finding someone's core self, finding the pieces of them that affect everything else. When you find those elements of a person, that's when it becomes something real. Your relationship stops being about similar interests, taste in food and starts being something strong. I'm not defined by my hatred of tomatoes, my love of Ocean's 11 or my obsessive organization and I certainly don't want others to define me or pigeonhole me based on those things. You have to want to search. Getting to know me is a journey and one that many come ill equiped for. Perhaps I should give out a compass, a canteen and a weapon at the door. We're too quick to categorize people I think...to put them into sections of our heart "friend" "romantic interest" "weird guy". You'll never know what someone is meant to be to you if you don't abolish expectations from you mind and focus on getting to know who they are. I need to try harder to listen to my own advice. I see a gorgeous Asian man and immediately my mind swirls with possibility and hope. Its the hope (and the hormones LOL) that destroys the possibility in the end.

NY Odd sighting #1

This morning on my subway ride to work there was an Asian man in his 30s reading an erotic story. Not a book that had steamy parts, but a computer printed out erotic story. Now I'm all for freedom of speech, but really isn't 8:30am a bit early in the AM to be reading such things? Seems more like reading material for the ride home...

Before last night I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard I cried. Around midnight my friend Grace called me to turn on Animal Planet. I thought she was insane, but I did it anyway and discovered this show called "Puppy Bowl II". Basically it's THREE HOURS of puppies running around in a pseudo mini football field. It sounds boring, but it's strangely enthralling. For hours I sat glued to my TV watching puppies play. Ocassionally a "ref" of some sort would come out throw a flag on the field (which usually a puppy would promptly steal or pee on) and announce something ridiculous like "5 yard penalty for illegal "pawffence". Grace and I were in TEARS watching the whole spectacle which included a riveting half time show of horror stricken cats sitting on scratching posts getting bombarded with buckets and buckets of confetti. It was pure comedy from start to finish. It's good to laugh like that every once in awhile. Check your Animal Planet schedule for repeats. It's not something one should miss.

Another addictive book site...

http://www.bookcrossing.com/

*at least this one is free :-)

Some thoughts on dating..

Now I'm not a person who actually gets asked out on dates, and actually can't even remember the last time I had anything even resembling a date, but lately I've been thinking about dating and the various ways that people meet and fall in love. When you meet someone on-line or go on a blind date, you go into the experience with all these expectations of "Mr. Ideal" and it's easy to write the person off when they don't possess all the qualities you have in your head that you are looking for. I truly is a job interview of sorts, the job being "husband". When you meet someone in a different context, at work, school, on the street, you don't have a preconceieved label for them in mind already. You take your time, you get to know them slowly and fully and a relationship of definition forms on its own (acquaintance, boyfriend, friend, strange guy I'll never talk to again, etc.).

Patience truly is a virtue. I know I am sometimes guilty of looking for labels and not for people. I'm guilty of having an ideal in my head that I'm starting to realize isn't that important to me. There is a new book out called "The Year of Yes" where this woman decided that for a year she would go out with every man who asked, no matter what. Now granted this woman got asked out more times in this one year than I'll be asked out in a lifetime, but the concept is intriquing. I haven't read the book yet, but apparently she did end up marrying one of the guys she normally would have rejected "on spec". I wonder sometimes if the quest for Mr. Ideal causes us to lose our open mind about people. We stop looking at people as a whole person and instead section them out into "things we like about them" and "things we don't like about them" categories, instead of remembing how they make us feel. The older I get the harder the struggle between practicality and emotion becomes. It's a fight to think less and feel more. I just hope its worth it in the end.....

Caryn's post regarding songs that spur memories has gotten me thinking about my own soundtrack of life. My earliest music memory is Peter, Paul and Mary's "Right Field" (that may not be the exact title). It's this song about a boy relegated to playing right field during a baseball game and how boring he thinks it is ("....I'm here in right field just watching the dandelions grow") I always thought it was funny and as I was playing softball at the time and hated playing outfield I could definitely commiserate. High school was my angst rock phase, so anything Nirvana or Stone Temple Pilots makes me laugh in remembrance of my former self. My first "love" if you can even call it that now in high school and I also danced to Chicago's "You're the Inspiration" so that song still and forever will tug at my heartstrings. College and post-college definitely have the most diverse playlists...No matter where I am, if I hear Dave Matthews Band I always think of Curt. I'll never forget our "date" at the lake, lying in the sun in the grass in eachothers arms, watching the ducks. It's been years since I talked to him, but DMB always takes me back. Working in the Events department at KCPA brought a whole new genre in the mix. I cringe at the sound of a Cassandra Wilson song remembering the terror of my experience with her. The LA Guitar Quartet spawns sweeter memories, as does Beethoven's String Quartets. And of course whenever I hear the ending song that was played during The Colored Museum a whole flood of memories both good and bad come back.

I work at a record label now, and I'm sure in years to come, the songs I hear on a daily basis will bring about memories of my years here. It's an interesting thought, knowing that what you hear today will be your memory of tomorrow.

A Misc. Update.....

I've been a blog slacker lately and for that I appologize. I haven't been writing at all lately. The words are stuck inside for some reason. You know when you start cleaning out your closet and you just pull everything out and put it in a huge pile on the floor so you can start sorting through it, that's how I feel......like clothes in a heap on the floor. Like scrabble letters that no matter how hard you try, you just can't make a word out of.

In other news, I almost set my office on fire this morning. It's unusually cold in our building today so I plugged my heater in, turned it on and it started to spark and fill the room with smoke. I managed to unplug it, but the charred plastic smell still lingers.

I've been flying a lot lately...mostly the Fri - Sun late night NY-Chicago flight....I'm starting to get used to it and I'm seeing some of the same people. I swear I've even had the same flight attendant the past two times. It's been a rough few months for me and being surrounded by the people who know me best has been unbelievably helpful, even if I have to fly 900 miles once a month to see them. I was lucky to find such amazing friends in high school and college..there's a bond I think you make at that age that withstands time and circumstance. Or maybe I just like the single serving of pretzles you get on the plane...

No news on the love front....I declared 2006 my year off from dating and its still holding strong. 20 days into January I think it's been the New Years resolution I've kept the longest. I fully reserve the right to recind my declaration if some hottie wants to take me to dinner though. I love New Years resolutions that come with disclaimers LOL.

That's about it, I think you are all caught up. If you need to reach me try the 9:34pm Friday night shuttle to Chicago. I'm usually near the back on the aisle.

Do you ever feel like you are incomplete? Like you are a bunch of scrabble letters that don't make a word no matter how hard you try?

That's how I feel.

Another great site for booklovers!!!!!

www.bookins.com

Here's a pic of the group I went out to dinner with on Friday night. My friend from work is the guy standing next to me (the only white girl in the pic) and his brother is to his left.

Despite fighting a nasty beginning of the year cold, I went out to dinner with a co-worker (a cute Asian one I have a bit of a crush on!!!) and some of his friends last night. I didn't know a single person other than my co-worker so it was a bit awkward, but it was ok. I spent most of the evening talking to my co-worker's brother (very cute until I found out he was only 22!), but I did manage to be social and interact with everyone at some point. The whole large group thing (there were 8 of us) is just not for me. I've always avoided parties and group outings......I'm not really sure why. I've never been a people person. Social gatherings and even the most basic of human interactions makes me nauseous. I've been that way for as long as I can remember. I wonder if its because I moved around a lot as a child, I went to two different grade schools, two different high schools.....I'd make friends and then shortly thereafter have to say goodbye. The age of cell phones and email wasn't born yet, so inevitably I'd lose touch. You get tired of always starting over, always being afraid of having to say goodbye so you just stop trying. The four years I went to college were the longest I had ever lived in one place consecutively. I never learned how to form relationships with people that lasted, I learned to fear the inevitable goodbye and avoid it. Even now, in control of the fate of my address I still can't let go of the past and I keep myself at a distance from people and relationships of any kind. I wonder if to me people will always = pain...........

A friend turned me on to this site and I LOVE it! Finally a way to keep track of what books I own online!!!!

www.librarything.com

If you want to view my book collection the link is:

http://www.librarything.com/catalog.php?view=kainyc

2005

This year I look into 2006 with feelings of trepidation. 2005 showed us a year of chaos, destruction and of great loss. I find myself not looking to 2006 to be a year of major advances or grand possibility, but instead I look for it to be the year of recovery.

Still recouping the losses of the late 2004 Tsunami, the losses of 2005 were just as devastating and came in many forms. We lost pieces of history with the destruction of New Orleans and the passing of a civil rights icon, a major news anchor, a Supreme Court Justice and the Pope. The war in Iraq claimed 2,161 lives, Hurricanes Katrina and Rita 1,383, the London bombings 37.

NYC had yet another year of chaos. Transit workers walked off the job and left millions (myself included) without their usual method of commute. As per usual, we overcame by whatever means necessary, we carpooled, we walked (7 miles in 20 degree weather across the 59^th Street Bridge). We brought back the art of hitch hiking.

My own circle of loved ones had a year of major life shifts including two marriages, a cross-country move and a beautiful new baby. My own life contained a cross-borough move and end of a relationship.

All in all for me it was a year that taught the importance of giving. Whether it be of my self, my time or my money, giving to those less fortunate is an important lesson to remember, not just post destructive events, but for those who have been born into a life without basic human needs and means.

I look at 2006 as a year for myself. To work on myself and become closer to the person I want to be. I’m letting go of love and relationships for the year and declaring it the year to be single and remain focused on becoming a richer person not for someone else, but for my self.

2006 will definitely be the year of recovery. For me I will reclaim my sense of self, for some they will reclaim their jobs and homes and still other will reclaim their lives after losses of many different forms.

Happy New Year. May the upcoming 365 days fulfill some wishes, create new desires and bring much happiness to all.

The strike is over!!!!

Once again I have nothing better to do than steal posts from CB.....

Hot Chocolate or Apple Cider?
Apple Cider, definitely. Though for me, it's more of a fall thing in general, not just Christmas.

Turkey or Ham?
Definitely neither. Not a meat eater.

Do you get a Fake or Real you-cut-it-yourself Christmas tree?
I have one of those cute little fake trees that have the lights already in it. You just unfold and decorate! Insta-tree!

Decorations on the outside of your house?
Nope.

Snowball fights or sledding?
Snowball fights! Remember the kick-ass one we had with the boys in Apt 8 that year CB??

Do you enjoy going downtown shopping?
I do enjoy shopping during the holidays...the crowds, the songs...its all part of the holiday experience I think. Lately because of shipping issues, I've gone most of mine online and I've actually started to miss the insanity.

Favorite Christmas song?
Anything on the Ella Fitzgerald Christmas Album.....she's amazing.

How do you feel about Christmas movies?
Every year my mom and I watch "A Christmas Story" just for the laughs, but I don't really care about any of the others at all.

When is it too early to start listening to Christmas music?
The day after Thanksgiving is the first day it's ok.

Stockings before or after presents?
Presents on the 24th, Stockings on the 25th.

Carolers, do you or do you not watch and listen to them?
No.

Go to someone else's house or they come to you?
Christmas Eve we stay home, Christmas Day we go to the family.

Do you read the Christmas Story? If so when?
Yes, Chrismtas Eve night.

What do you do after presents and dinner?
On Christmas Eve we do earlyish dinner, then church, then home and do presents into the night, then Christmas Day we get up and do Stockings and then drive to Chicago to see the family.

What is your favorite holiday smell?
Cookies baking in the oven

Ice skating or walking around the mall?
Ice skating!

Do you open a present or presents on Christmas Eve, or wait until Christmas day?
My parents also follow the German tradition of Christmas Eve for presents with stockings on Christmas morning.

Favorite Christmas memory?
The blackout where we had to open our presents by firelight.

Favorite Part about winter?
Kissing during a snowfall...and snowball fights!

Ever been kissed under mistletoe?
No. Any volunteers?

I'm officially earned my NY badge of honor. I've (so far) survived my first ny catastrophe. I always get asked if I was here 9/11 or during the blackout and I was fortunately not, but now the new question will be "Did you survive the transit strike?" and I can proudly say, Yes, I overcame it by walking 2.5 hours each way to work for three days. I think I can probably skip going to the gym this week eh?

Courtesy of Seasons of the Heart, which was courtesy fat little pug. My additions and thoughts are in bold italics.

[] I'm afraid of the quiet. I'm with CB, I enjoy the quiet.
[] I am really ticklish.
[] I'm afraid of the dark. I like the dark.
[] I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night.
[] I am homosexual.
[] I believe in true love This one is hard for me...I believe it exists, I'm just not sure it exists for me.
[] I've ran away from home.
[] I collect comic books.
[X] I shut others out when I'm sad
[] I stayed out all night.
[] I open up to others easily.
[X] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[X] I watch the news. I'm a CNN junkie..I'm in love with Anderson Cooper
[] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[] I love Disney movies.
[] I am a sucker for pretty eyes.
[X] I kill bugs.
[X] I curse all the time. Tsk, yes sadly I'm not a lady
[] I have (had) "x"s in my screen name.
[X] I've slipped and fell in public.
[X] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation. Sadly yes, I've also left Im-esque voicemails
[] I love Spam.
[] I bake well.
[X] I have worn pajamas to class. Finals.....college...ugh
[X] I own something from Abercrombie.
[X] I have a job.
[X] Talked on a phone for 5 hours.
[] I love Dr. Phil.
[X] I like someone. I've always got my eyes (or other things) on someone
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[X] I am self-conscious. EXTREMELY
[X] I love to laugh.
[X] I have tried alcohol.
[X] I drink alcohol on a regular basis.
[X] I have tried a cigarette.
[] I have tried a cigar.
[] I have smoked a pack in one day.
[] I loved Lord of the Flies.
[] I have cough drops when I'm not sick. Do those Vitamin C drops count?
[] I can't swallow pills.
[X] I have a few scars. Emotional and physical
[X] I've been out of this country. Canada
[X] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[X] I love chocolate.
[] I bite my nails.
[X] I am not comfortable with being me. More like i'm not comfortable not knowing who I am
[] I play computer games when I'm bored.
[X] gotten lost in the city.
[] Seen a shooting star.
[X] Had a serious injury
[X] Gone out in public in your pajamas.
[X] Have kissed a stranger.
[X] Hugged a stranger
[] Been arrested.
[] Beverage come out of your nose while laughing
[] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[X] Made out in an elevator. LOL oh the memories....
[X] Swore at your parents.
[] Kicked a guy where it hurts on purpose.
[] Been skydiving.
[] Been bungee jumping.
[X] Gotten stitches.
[] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[] Bitten someone.
[] Been to Niagara Falls.
[] Gotten the chicken pox twice.
[X] Crashed into a car.
[] Have been to Japan. OMG I wish....
[X] Ridden in a taxi. LOL this morning actually
[] Shoplifted.
[] Been fired.
[X] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back. ALL THE TIME
[] Stole something from your job.
[X] Gone on a blind date.
[X] Had a crush on a teacher/coach.
[] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[] Been to Europe. Not yet July 2006!!!!
[X] Slept with a co-worker. ROFL...uh for like 5 years
[X] Been proposed to.
[] Been married.
[] Gotten divorced.
[] Saw someone/something dying.
[X] Driven over 400 miles in one day. 900 NY-IL won't do that again
[X] Been to Canada.
[X] Been on a Plane.
[] Regretful tattoo.
[] More than 5 tattoos.
[X] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[] Been in a bloody fist fight.
[] Thrown up in a bar.
[X] Eaten sushi.
[] Been snowboarding.
[] Been skiing.
[X] Been ice skating.
[X] Cried in public.
[] Walked purposely into traffic with your eyes closed.
[X] Liked someone even though you knew you shouldn't have.
[X] Thought of someone almost 24/7
[X] Hated the world.
[] Been in jail.
[] Shot someone.
[] Got shot.
[] Got stabbed.

I fully support the MTA transit strike until tomorrow morning when I have to WALK SEVEN MILES in 20 degree weather to work.

I have met someone who unknowingly is a constant reminder to me to have faith. A reminder that I definitely need. My soul smiles in his presence and he doesn't even notice. He may never know he makes me happy, he may even end up breaking my heart, but there's something so beautiful in the right now, that I don't even care.

El ayer por la noche era nuestra celebracion de dias festivos. Recuerdeme no beber otra vez.

Algunos dias pregunto si que estoy buscando a partir de vida esta aqui en NY. Pienso que era demasiado rapido salir de Illinois. Pienso que escapo. Tal vez escapar es lo que necesite. No se. Deseo que tenia algo aqui. Deseo que tenia alguien aqui.

Shall we Dance?

Since I love the original Japanese version of Shall we Dance, I had been hesitant to watch the Jennifer Lopez/Richard Gere remake. I watched it this weekend and of course it doesn't hold a candle to the original version, but there was a quote that has stuck in my mind all day.

Woman: All these promises we make and break....Why is it people get married?
Man: Passion.
Woman: No.
Man: Why then?
Woman: Because we need a witness to our lives. There is a billion people on the planet...I mean what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage you are promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things. All of it, all of the time, every day you're saying "Your life will not go un-noticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness".


We all want acknowledgement of our existence I guess, appreciation of being who we are. There ARE a billion people on the planet...why is it so hard to find then?

I re-read the story of Apollo and Daphne tonight, desperately searching for the answers to so many of my questions about life and love. Though the idyllic crossed with the absurd is entertaining to read, I'm not sure I can find the relevance to my own life. Sure, it would be great if we were all pursued so ruthlessly as Daphne was by Apollo, but men don't woo anymore. Romance is dead and co-habitation is a business transaction. I can't remember the last time I simply held hands with someone, found a love note in my backback or had someone suprise me with a bottle of wine after a long day at work. I love doing little things for people, doing the simple gestures that speak the loudest, but I feel like I never get it in return. A wise friend recently reminded me that the gesture of giving and the gesture of loving should be selfless. I need to be better at that, at not wanting reciprocation. We all want to be loved, but that shouldn't be the motivation for loving.

The older I get the more practically I think about life. The idealism I had as a child is gone. Some people fight hard not to let that go, but I seem to have completely relinguish it. I need someone in my life to balance that part of myself out. I need an Apollo to chase my inner child and wipe practicality from my love.

I just hope he doesn't turn me into a tree.

I've been thinking a lot about compatibility lately. What makes people fall in love, what makes them be friends, even what makes them remain strangers. There are people I know peripherally, but who just never cross over into the "friend" zone. What keeps the distance. How did those friends of mine know after three months they were compatible for life? How come I didn't know that Tae-Jin and I weren't?

I think about my closest friends and most significant relationships and what brought us together. Circumstance plays a large part of it I think. My closest friends are those from high school and college. Brought together initially by location, we are now spread out across the globe. Circumstance is what brought us together, but it obviously isn't what sustains us.

There are some people you meet and instantaneously you click. They bring out the part of yourself that hides under the cloud of sadness and loneliness that you normally are under. You meet someone and suddenly you are smiling all the time, your intelligence and wit comes out and you start to feel like the person who always knew you wanted to be. I wish I had more control over that part of myself, but I have to accept that despite my solitude, I truly am a people-driven person.

What is it that draws people together? What is the "chemistry" people talk about in love and attraction? I've never fallen in love with someone because we liked the same book or enjoyed the same movie, but what is it that makes two people compatible.

What is love?

The Unfairness of Love

I met a couple today who had gotten married after only knowing each other three months. It's a life I can't imagine. A love I can't imagine. It's a scary thought, thinking that I could meet someone tomorrow and be married by February. It's an amazing thing to me, to "know" so completely that you found love. Not only to know, but to leap in and embrace it fully as well.

I think I needed to be reminded that there is beauty in love. It's easy to remember being drained by it, being crushed by it, losing yourself in the pain. I don't always make the effort to think of the hapiness of having someone who cares unconditionally, someone to take care of, someone to take care of me. The feeling that washes over you when you heare someone say "I love you" to you for the first time. The feeling you have when you realize you can say it in return. I need to remember that it's ok if love changes everything. I need to not fear it anymore.

Thoughts from a Flushing Starbucks

A week from now I will be in New Mexico for my vacation. I am so looking forward to being around my friend, being in a beautiful state and for getting to sleep in and not have to go to work. It truly will be the perfect vacation.

As my trip gets closer I realize even more how lonely I am in NY. I accept my solitude, but also acknowledge that there is a balance missing in my life. There are days I wish I had someone to go shopping with, or to the movies. I miss sitting in cafes with someone and having the kind of conversations that only seem to take place over coffee. I eat out alone. Go to movies alone. Shop alone. Even coffee is a solitary act for me.

To be honest, I'm not a huge fan of humanity and people in general. It's unpredictable and in my mind, unpredictability=pain. I like things I can understand, things that have reason. People don't generally fall in that category. That's why love is so hard for me to grasp. It has no explaination or formula. The "Why?" never gets answered even in the deepest of feelings. There is a security in the why that I never get from love and in turn I don't trust it.

I suppose in time I will learn to reason less and feel more. Observe less and do more. Think less and love more.

Stagnant Alienation

I’m 26 years old and I’m stagnant. I was speaking with an old friend recently. We hadn’t spoken in a year or so and he asked me “What’s new?”. I sat thinking about the answer and I realized “nothing” was the only answer I could give. The players in my life may have changed, but the situation is the same, I am the same. My faults are the same. My demons are the same. I am so afraid of change that I don’t even change for the better. I’m more afraid of speaking to him a year from now and giving the same answer.

I battle so much of myself it seems. My internal struggle never has an end, it never has a winner. I’m so aware of my faults I don’t need critique or criticism from the world. I already acknowledge the faulty parts of myself. So much so that I glaze over compliments, for the faults speak so loudly that they cover any beauty that might be there. Practicality wins in the end. If I can’t see it, then it doesn’t exist. Every break-up, negative comment or hurtful exchange just reinforces what I already believe about myself. There is no escaping who you are.

I think once of the reasons I’ve always been drawn to photography is that I like the position of “observer”. For me there is more impact in viewing than in feeling. Seeing a couple on the train holding hands cuts me deeper than actually being part of the couple myself. I can only process what I see, not what I feel. I’ve stuck myself on the outside of life purposely and there’s no way in. I don’t feel love unless I can view it. Seeing people kiss on tv makes me cry. Being kissed doesn’t shed any tears. I’ll never be in the inner circle of lovers. I’ll only be there to capture the moments of others.

Alienation. The feeling of being on the outside. I’ve had that feeling long before I picked up my first camera. My inception into this world was a difficult one, one that didn’t come with a lot of answers. I don’t have early baby pictures, a knowledge of where my brown eyes come from, what my ethnicity is, even where I was born. Living a life in a family who loves you, but always feeling like you were a piece of furniture in the house they purchased to fill an empty room. Never being invited to the “cool kids” table in junior high. Moving around and never being able to make friends who know your history, who have seen you through your best and worst phases. That’s where my “snapshot” life comes from. Needing to have something to hold on to when it was gone. Early in life alienation was a product of circumstance. Now it’s self induced. Not much in my life isn’t self induced. I will always be the one behind the camera. Sometimes it’s film, sometimes it’s digital, but if you look in the distance, behind the lens, that’s where you can find me.

Never

I need to accept that there are things in this world I will never understand. Why some people die young. Why some people are thin. Why some find love, and why others do not.

I've never been happy in a relationship. At least I don't remember being happy. It may be that I'm one of those people who forgets the happiness once it's over, for the pain of the end erases any joy that was once there. I have never heard the words "I love you" from someone. I've never gotten flowers "just because". I've never had sex with someone who loved me.

I want to know what love is like. I want to feel the joys of it, as well as the pain. I want the passion of feeling raw to course through me.

How does one learn to accept that love may not be a part of our future? That I may go through life with no wedding ring, no one to help me fold sheets, no one to kiss me goodnight. I have this voice in my heart that tells me I will never be in love, that my solitude is permanent. That it isn't meant to be. That I need to let go of hope and set myself free.

I feel sad for all the things I feel I'll never have. I'll never be introduced as "my wife, Karen". I'll never have someone call me "mommy". I'll never have someone to kill the spiders for me. I find myself getting lost lately in that sadness. I'm turning inward more and more, accepting what I feel is my current fate. I wish the weight of sadness wasn't the only thing I woke up next to.

I know I am lost in the "never". That isn't always a bad thing, for the one thing I do know is that I will never give up hope.

What is this thing called love

Ah Ella....or was it Sarah Vaughn who sang that song.....

I wonder sometimes if I wasn't programmed to love. Sure, I love my puppy, but that's different. There's nothing she could do that would hurt me, I don't give anything up to love her. I have a pretty good life if I look around. An apt in NY, I like my stuff, a decent job, I can afford to travel.....all it's missing is people. I accept that I'm a solitary person who for the most part is not a fan of humanity. My interests are solitary so I'm not forced to have the same innane "what do you do" "what borough do you live in/train do you take" "where did you go to school" small talk conversations over and over and over again. I have a few close friends who live far away, so my core friendships involve nighttime cell phone minutes, a gmail account and the annoying sound effects of aol instant messenger. There is very little human contact in my world, and the small amount I get is usually shortlived. I don't play the roles in my life based on obligation very well....daughter, granddaughter, girlfriend.....I can't seem to get a handle on those. Legal Assistant, tenant, customer.....those I can do. Any role that involves the "I love you" dialogue I can't grasp.

There are so many things I want out of life. The days where it all seems so out of reach are the hardest. A walk down the street turns into a line-up of everything I don't have. I feel like I won't ever know the kind of happiness that others have. My dreams are plagued by the realities of my true self.

Contradiction is a bitch sometimes.

Monday June 20, 2005

I was browsing iTunes tonight. I suppose I was looking to compile my own personal soundtrack. A look at my life through the pop culture of the times. I should have known better than to think I could find my life in all that. I found the life of many others, but certainly not mine. Mine must be in a book somewhere.

Anyway. It occurred to me that there are so many things about me that even my closest of friends do not know. People I’ve shared words with and beds with and meals with (not in that order) who know nothing of me. Some will surprise, some you will think you always knew, some you will realize in yourself. That’s ultimately why I’m writing this. Not for me. I’ve already had the self discovery (and man it was a bitch). Hopefully it will be easier for you.

I have a secret love of truly bad television. The list of things I fear greatly exceeds the list of things that make me happy. I have never felt beautiful. I want nothing more than to be a mother. Some weekends I get into bed on Friday and literally do not get out until Monday. I have never been in love. I wish that someone understood my need to be sad. I often blare Lady Marmalade on my stereo. I love nothing more than being kissed. I don’t want to be married, but I want a diamond ring (which I already have designed). I truly believe in the difference between actual truth and emotional truth. I am an amazing piano player, but can’t play in front of people. I hate the color pink, but own pink underwear. Some days I think I am crazy. Some days I think I am the only sane person I know. I want someone to take care of me. I want to be left alone in the dark. I want romance. I am terrified of lightning. 8 years later I still have nightmares about my car accident. I love it when a man brushes the hair out of my eyes. I have to write in the dark. I honestly have no idea what makes me happy. I love.

No thoughts!

No mind!

Greetings from the Airport!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME......(yesterday).

12 days until my birthday
13 until puppy
14 until Grace's graduation

Disclaimer. I have been drinking.

Why don't I write anymore? It's been months since I wrote a word. Is it that I'm too happy to write? Is it that I'm uninspired? Is it that I don't think anymore?

I'm sitting here drinking vodka and watching Growing up Gotti. I never watch this crap, yet tonight I'm facinated. Watching another family, their life, their interactions. I can't explain why at all. I guess because it makes my own family dynamic seem less Hamlet and more Leave it to Beaver.

I'm starting to lose my train of thought now. Like my self esteem, my inspiration is fickle I guess.

I suppose it's possible that it's the vodka that is fickle, and not me.

Do I know how to do this?

My apartment is hot, my ceiling is leaking and I'm grumpy.

Why does socialization usually involve a mad hangover......

I truly have nothing interesting to say.

I'm an intellectual flirt.

I know I don't make sense.

There is a part of me that does not want to sleep. My worry has no pause. no mute. no off. no hold.

My past is never a memory. My mistakes are never lessons learned.

My thoughts are those of a drugged person, though they are natural to me.

Perhaps my 4.8 hour average is getting the better of me.

I did the math

Ok for one week I kept track of how much (or how little) I slept and here are the results:

On average I sleep 4.8 hours a night

That's not bad at all really. I mean some nights I'm not sleeping at all, but a weekly average of 5 hours a night....not bad at all!!

No offense

But I f*cking HATE men...dating...relationships. It's all crap. Nobody cares about getting to know a person's mind anymore, it's all about finding the hottest girl they can "score" with. I doubted that love existed before, and now I truly know that there is no such thing. I SO hate humanity.

I heard a quote somewhere "Passion is the reason we live" and it's been festering for awhile. There are pieces of passion that have never been elements in my life and I question what my place now.

Screw it. I just need sleep.

LOTS and LOTS of SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When did electronics start being nice? I turn on my DVD player and hello scrolls across the screen. I log on to aol and it says "Welcome, you've got mail". Even cable box has a greeting when turned on. Why are electronics nicer than people?

Email folders can be an evil place. Upon reaching my storage quota in an old account, I was prompted to do some cleaning out of my inbox and folders. I found some names and emails I hadn't thought about in years, some regrets, some photos, and a lot of curiousity. Where are these strangers now? The sent mail is just as evil. Who WAS that person who wrote some of those words?

Nostalgia is a terrible terrible thing.

My tummy hurts. I ate too many Skittles.

2005.


Don't forget to put the right date on your checks.

Happy Holidays to all my blog readers!!!!

The countdown continues!!!! Less than 48 hours until I get to see my puppy!!!! (and parents and sister and Grace and cats...blah blah blah)....

There's nothing in the world like puppy kisses and cat "love", right Grace? :)

DSL ROCKS!!!!!!!!

Insomnia sucks.

I need a break from heartbreak.

I'm too tired to be tired.

A dedication

to my friend Grace who is so loving of animals and humanity that she fed and watered the mouse in her house for two days (and protected it from her 3 cats) until she could get a humane trap, catch it and set it free in a field with a box of Cheeze-its.

Do I think too much? Do I feel too much? Do I know too little? Do I doubt too much?

Say goodbye

to dial up! YEAH to full time with benefits (and I get to keep my OT) employment!!!!! More money equals cable modem baby!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I drank too much at my company holiday party tonight. weall did. fun.
I wonder how i got home. time for mbed. so sleepy;

whoo to my permanent job!

I want to take the modem out of my computer, smash it into pieces and set it on fire.

I bought a new mop. Swiffer Wet Jet. It's fun.

What is beauty? Am I beautiful? Are you?

More

I often wonder what my life would be like without coffee. I think it would be dreadful, for most days the Starbucks Peppermint Mocha is all I look forward to.

I didn't sleep well last night. My mind would not rest, and now it's Saturday morning and I'm more tired then when I went to bed. How does that happen, how can one sleep and be worse off than if they hadn't? I'll never understand the chemistry of the brain.

I feel like cooking today, making something that doesn't come out of a box, bag or shrink wrap. That would entail going to the grocery store though, and it's not Friday. Perhaps I can be creative and make something with what little I have. What could one make with a can of coconut milk, hummus and coffee?

I hate that Aaron is in Iraq again. I can't imagine what my life would be like without our friendship. He's known me for the last 12 years of my life, we have no secrets. He's the one thing in my life I do not doubt.

I should get up, step out of bed for longer than the trip to the coffee maker and back, but I do not want to. I want to cuddle up under my covers and wish for restful sleep.

Truly thoughts from a mind

It's the third day of having to walk home in the rain. I'm tired of my shoes squeaking as I walk down the hallway. I refuse to carry an umbrella any more. I would rather get wet and embrace the rain instead of hiding from it.

My weekends are boring and unbelievably predictable. Friday nights I go to the grocery store on my way home from work, Saturday I sleep in, only getting out of bed to get my routine mug of coffee. The rest of the day I alternate between productiveness and laziness. Cleaning and napping, writing and relaxing. Sunday mornings I do laundry, after the requisite carafe of coffee and Pop Tart. Routine is my only roommate.

I'll be home in exactly 14 days. I can't wait. It will be a welcome break from my usual pattern. I've always loved Christmas, next to my birthday it's my favorite holiday. As I age, I am sure it will take first place, for it has no stigma of wrinkles and hearing loss attached. I did all of my holiday shopping on-line this year and I regret it. It was necessary as I needed to have it all shipped back to Illinois, but I miss the experience of being present in a store. The decorations, the music....the aura of giving mixed with the chaos of obligation. The true spirit of the holiday season.

I'll spare you all for now, but I feel myself stumbling into a writing mood so this weekend may leave you with a lot to read. Enjoy it, hate it, it's entirely up to you.

I am so tired of not sleeping.

and rain.

and humanity.

I would like to apologize for yelling at my microwave today. You've been a good appliance, never let me down. I'm sorry my misguided anger was directed towards you. You didn't deserve it, and I'm very sorry.

Yeah. I need a nap.

I truly think the best thing about life is coffee.

Lyrics to some song

My heart can't break because it wasn't whole to begin with.

For the second time since I moved to NY my apartment building is being surrounded by fire trucks.


Why is life so flamable?

How come....

whenever I do Christmas shopping I always end up buying stuff for myself?

I'm plagued by this notion that we don't fall in love with people, we fall in love with possibility. That its more about action, than it is about a person. We all want someone to BRING us flowers, to PROFESS their love, to HOLD our hand. When did love become about verbs?

The Things I Love:

Cookies

Peppermint Mocha

CDC, LGG, 3 cats and a dog....among others

Sleeping in on a Saturday morning

Being inspired

Will I always be alone?

The only thing that makes me happy is......

COFFEE.

The best part about the holiday season? The re-introduction of Peppermint Mocha at Starbucks.


A close second:
My new I-pod

Sleep

I'm not sleeping again. My body wants it, but my mind won't allow. I hate this feeling and it's all oo common. I'm too awake to sleep and too tired to be awake.

Memory

I look at the books on my shelves like they are photographs. I see the titles and the covers and am reminded of where I was when I read that poem. Who I read that novel with. Who introduced me to that author. Everyone always tells me to purge my books, sell them, give them away, but to me that would be like giving friendships away, memories away. Even the worst book tells more than it's own story. It tells mine too.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is Mom's birthday and Sunday is Dad's HAPPY BIRTHDAY to them both!!