Well this evening I've done a little better on the productivity scale. I cleaned the bathroom, dusted and did the floors in the living room and paid bills. I still need to tackle that pesky resume, but maybe that's best left for tomorrow. It's still early though, I may still get to it.

My parents are considering moving......to Tennessee. I have such mixed emotions about them moving. I knew at some point they would want to move out of the huge house they live in now and get something smaller, but I guess I hoped they would stay in the same area. I don't know why it matters to me so much, we moved around so much when I was young, nowhere ever really felt like home, but they have been in this house 10 years now. I only lived there for 2 and then moved out. I guess part of it is I feel like I'll never see them. TN isn't really a place I feel excited about visiting. I'm pretty much an indoors girl and where they want to go is pretty rural. My dad is excited about camping and fishing and hiking through retirement and who knows what my mom will do out there. I wish I could get a handle on why I'm so upset about their impending move, but it feels strange. I guess it's just my usual inability to handle change.

Rescue Me is filming YET AGAIN in my neighborhood. It was cool the first five times or so, but now it's getting old. I'll have to tape the show one day and see if you can see my neighborhood. It must be a common shot, they are out here all the freaking time. Isn't that show about fires? How many times can the same building burn?

I accomplished absolutely nothing last night. I blew off the gym, and promised myself I would at least do some freeweight exercises in front of the TV and didn't. I was supposed to dig out the resume and start doing research and didn't. I was going to clean the bathroom and didn't. Instead I sat idly on the couch, laptop on lap, chatting online and blog browsing. Rargh. Darn all you people with interesting blogs!

I'm thinking of moving back to Illinois. I miss my friends, my family, having a car.....and basic conveniences like not having to carry your laundry down the street and a local grocery store that actually sells food. My target date is next summer, but really it will come down to finding a job and saving up enough money. Even though I know it will be 100x harder to find a job with a NY address, I think I have to secure a job this time before moving. When I moved to NY I did it with no job and I blew through almost my entire savings during those 7 months I didn't work at all, this time I have to be more practical. I need to get my resume together now and start putting it out there. I found an old version in my archives and need to work on it. I absolutely loathe resumes. My education and job history are less than cohesive and I really only have worked for two places my entire life. 1 in IL and 1 in NY, so my resume is painfully short. My education is in theatre lighting design, my IL job was event planning and my NY job is in entertainment law. Making that look cohesive on a resume is nearly impossible, especially since I want to get back into event planning type of work. I'm considering having a resume writing service help me with my resume, though someone told me they really do more formatting and less content, so now I'm not sure. Formatting is the part I can do, it's content that I always am incapable of coming up with. I need to do more research and at least come up with a draft this week. God I hate job hunting.....I suck at resumes and am an absolutely disaster at interviews. Bleah. Wish me luck.

Back from Chicago. I ended up having a fantastic weekend. I'm actually kind of bummed to be home. Hung out with my friend Erik and his husband Tom on Saturday which was cool. They told me they are moving to LA though and I'm crushed! I'll definitely miss them. Erik and I ended up taking his puppy to the park and had so much fun reminicing and playing with the dog. I realize how little time I spend outside here in NY. I rarely go to the park or even take a walk in my neighborhood. I've become such an indoors girl. Saturday night I spent with Chicago boy.....he came out of hiding and we had a really great time together, laughing and talking and joking around/giving eachother a hard time. It was so nice. Sometimes I can't tell if I make up in my head the thought that he likes me, or if I make up in my head the thought that he DOESN'T like me. lol

Now I'm back at home with the day off. I LOVE random weekdays off. I can stay in my pjs all day, watch bad talk shows and eat whatever I want. What a great weekend.

I found the ultimate cure for a broken heart....

IT'S FLEET WEEK IN NYC! Hundreds of sailors on leave wandering the streets!!!! Hurrah Hurrah!

Sometimes I don't think before I talk...

A quote I said to the guy at the deli making my lunch:

"could I get extra pickles on that? What can I say, I'm a girl who loves her pickles!"


hangs head in shame....

How come day 2 after working out always feels worse than day 1? On Tuesday I went to the gym for the first time after a 6+ week hiatus, Wednesday I was sore, but still mobile (and didn't work out), today I feel like I got ran over by a truck. I plan on going to the gym again tonight, so hopefully I'll be able to loosen things up. I absolutely hate going to the gym, luckily a gym membership is part of our benefits at work, so a couple of us women get together and go. It really helps having work-out buddies. I definitely need the external motivation.

I've been wondering lately how people come across my site (or if anyone besides me even reads it). I know I could get one of those creepy stat counter things, but it's bad enough the government is tracking our phone calls and the FBI is rading congressional offices, I don't want to invade the privacy of my potenial reader(s) by stalking their internet usage. Feel free to leave me comments if you do read! I'm tough, I can handle the good, the bad and the ugly.

I'm supposed to leave for Chicago tomorrow....Normally by Thursday I'm counting down the hours, but this time I'm not. Maybe things will be better once I get there. Thankfully I'm coming back on Sunday afternoon and have Monday off from work, so at least I have part of my weekend just to veg at home. Chicago boy is still MIA....sigh. Someone pass me an Apple Martini.

When did I become part of the "hand stamp/paper bracelet" culture?

I went to a show one of our bands was playing tonight. They were literally playing around the corner from work, so I felt obligated to go. It was a decent show, I wish the band had a bigger following, but for some reason it just hasn't taken off. We aren't required to attend the concerts, but most people go and it's definitely noticed if you aren't there. In my last performance review concert attendance/networking was my only deficient area, so I try to go to as many shows as I can now. I can't really complain. I'm basically getting paid to stand around and drink Apple Martinis.

The boy I have been flying to Chicago to see is suddenly MIA. He's been vauge about plans, emails aren't returned, messages go unanswered. I'm not stupid, I get the hint. I rarely find someone who I can see myself being with long term, but with him I felt it and I'm sad I never got to find out what could have been. Sigh. I'm supposed to fly out again in two days and now I have no plans for the weekend at all. Anyone in the Chicago area want to hang out?


How DO you get these damn paper bracelet things off?

100 Things About Kai

Ok, so I know I'm like the last person to do this, but better late than never I suppose.

1. I love dark chocolate covered strawberries.
2. I am an extremely picky eater, there are very few things I will eat.
3. I bought my first purse at the age of 26.
4. I broke a rib once falling off a chair I was standing on trying to get a book off a bookshelf in my parents' library.
5. I can't live without post-it flags.
6. I never wear make-up, but my toenails are always painted red.
7. I hate flying during daylight and try only to fly late at night.
8. I went to two different high schools and will never forgive my dad for moving me during those years.
9. I am a white girl who thinks Asian men are HOT.
10. I have never in my 27 years had anyone ever call me their girlfriend.
11. I don't understand the "high" people say they get when they work out. Working out doesn't make me "high" it makes me hungry.
12. It bums me out when people don't notice when I get new glasses.
13. I get new glasses at least twice a year.
14. Taking photographs is the only thing I've ever felt good at.
15. I love the Food Network, even though I can't cook anything.
16. I've seriously considered hiring someone to cook dinner for me so I don't have to eat out 7 days a week.
17. I have a huge crush on Anderson Cooper.
18. I make a huge deal out of my birthday and like it when other people do too.
19. I went through my college graduation ceremony, even though I didn't technically graduate until two years later.
20. I've had the same bathing suit since I was 16...and I've only worn it a handful of times.
21. I like swimming but hate having to be that naked in public.
22. I have a 401k, but have no idea what it is or how to get my money.
23. I am deathly afraid of needles.
24. Massages make me tense and I hate both giving and getting them
25. Sometimes I eat pizza 4 days a week.
26. I've never called in sick because I was actually sick.
27. I can't live without caller ID
28. I refuse to buy anything from amazon.com because I think their "prime" program is elitist. I shouldn't have to be in a special club to get my stuff on time.
29. I can't stand people who use "street talk".
30. But I use the phrase "true that" way too often.
31. Doctors scare me and I almost never go voluntarily.
32. I don't handle disappointment well.
33. I can function perfectly on no sleep for several days.
34. I eat ice cream with a fork
35. I've never played air hockey
36. My grandfather taught me how to play cards and I almost never lose.
37. Boys won't play cards with me because of it.
38. I never answer the doorbell, even if I'm home (unless I'm expecting someone).
39. I'm a neat freak, but I almost never make my bed.
40. I hate sleeping alone.
41. Stupid-funny movies irritate me (anything with Jim Carey/Adam Sandler etc.)
42. I hate staying in hotels.
43. I keep my apartment very dark, I always have to remember to turn lights on when people come over.
44. I hate carrying an umbrella, I would rather just get wet.
45. Crooked pictures drive me crazy. I go around various restaurants, people's homes, libraries etc. straightening them.
46. My wisdom teeth were supposed to be taken out 10 years ago, but I chickened out and just deal with the pain of teething.
47. I went to my senior prom with some guy I met at Taco Bell.
48. I will never set foot in another Taco Bell
49. The only perfume I will wear is Romance by Ralph Lauren
50. Gerber Daisies are my favorite flower.
51. I've never gotten flowers from anyone...ever.
52. I always read the sections of the paper in a specific order. If someone else is reading my next section, I wait.
53. I get anxious if I don't know what time it is.
54. It only takes me 15 minutes to get ready for work in the morning.
55. I have "empty box syndrome". I almost always keep the box that things come in, so I have it when I move.
56. I moved 6 times in my childhood.
57. I have the same thing for breakfast almost every morning - Poptarts.
58. In my lifetime I've had 3 dogs (only one at a time), Moon, Anton and Ginger.
59. When I was in First Grade, my cousin used to drive me to school everyday in his Mustang.
60. that was the last time I was ever "cool"
61. That cousin and I have the same birth date May 13.
62. I loathe Fox news and won't even be in the same room if it's on.
63. I own over 300 books, and I've read all but 2
64. I read the White House press briefing transcripts...because I think they are funny.
65. I hate wearing shorts and don't even own a pair.
66. All the keys on my keyring have to face the same direction.
67. I do my taxes by hand, I'm too cheap to even use Turbo Tax.
68. I refuse to ride the bus.
69. All but 2 photographs up in my apartment, I took.
70. I never tell people who come over that I took them.
71. Sometimes I type too fast for my computer and it takes a second for it to catch up.
72. I love my label maker, everything in my house is obsessively labeled.
73. If I could eat only one food for the rest of my life it would be tiramisu.
74. I love putting the little check mark next to my completed tasks in Outlook.
75. I own lots of beautiful jewelry, but never wear any of it because I hate looking "accessorized".
76. The only thing I miss (aside from my friends) about living in the Midwest is central air conditioning .
77. I am incapable of flirting. I once used a Lord of the Flies reference as a pick-up line. It didn't go over very well.
78. I won't read certain books/magazines on the train because I don't want people to think I'm vacuous.
79. I hate it when people use dinner and diner incorrectly in writing.
80. I've only worked at two places my entire life.
81. I am excellent at holding a grudge.
82. I didn't vote for the first time until the 2004 election.
83. My screen name (kaibigan) means friend in Tagalog.
84. I hate shaking hands with people.
85. My refrigerator contains nothing but Diet Dr. Pepper, ketchup and a jar of pickles.
86. I don't have a take-out menu drawer, I have a take-out menu binder, separated into sections by cuisine type with each section in alphabetical order.
87. I can't go anywhere without chapstick.
88. People who automatically know where North/South/East/West are without using a compass intimidate me.
89. I love a good snowball fight.
90. Even though I don't use AOL anymore, I still pay for it.
91. I like Pepsi better than Coke
92. My favorite song is Winter by Tori Amos.
93. Ironing is very cathartic for me.
94. My handwriting is all capital letters, a carryover from my days as a draftsperson.
95. I absolutely hate having my picture taken.
96. 6 months after getting my driver's license I backed into a friends car while she was in the passenger's seat next to me. The insurance company laughed at me. hard.
97. I won't buy holidays versions of my favorite candy (with the exception of York peppermint "batties" at Halloween) because I don't like cutesy food.
98. I couldn't swallow pills until I was 16.
99. I thought I was a boring person until I filled this out.
100. Thinking of 100 things about myself took me 4 days.

Home?

Every time I return to NY after visiting my parents, I realize how much I miss my stuff while I’m gone. I guess it’s not my bed and books and photographs I miss, but my sense of self. I never felt free growing up to be who I was, or even to explore who I was. I’ve always lived by their definition of who I was, and it’s only been these past few years that I’ve lived in NY that I have felt like I’ve gained some independence. I know I am much too old to worry about the judgment of my parents, but I do. I won’t get the tattoo I want for fear of disownment, I still hide my Asian Erotica book and take down my photos when they come to visit. I endured endless mocking from my mom and sibling in the mall this past weekend because I was looking at purses, things with pink on them and shirts in colors and patterns other than black and flannel. Now I admit, I went through my various tomboy phases in high school. I spent the earlier parts of high school dressed like a burglar and the latter parts dressed like an extra in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. The evolution to the purse carrying, skirt wearing, yet still anti-make-up wearing person I am now was a slow one, but I’m here and I’m ready to take on Sephora. They will never see the evolution, partly because they refuse to and partly because I hide pockets of my true self from them. I wish I didn’t fear the look of disappointment as much as I do.

I often wonder if I’m missing the “girly” gene. I can wield a paintbrush on canvas, yet when it comes to putting make-up on my face I always end up looking like Tammy Faye Baker. The two times I’ve attempted to use my kitchen for anything more complicated than a TV dinner, I have started a fire. I don’t get the overwhelming urge to host holidays. Love Story didn’t make me cry.

I wonder sometimes if I will be able to be a good wife or mother. My kids would beg to eat at “Johnny’s house” because his mom doesn’t set the smoke alarm off making a meal. Care packages to camp would never get mailed because the post office scares me. Thanksgiving will entail reservations at AppleBees. I wonder sometimes if being adopted somehow made me miss out on instinctual parenting skills. I am fascinated by reading “mommy blogs” these days. This time of year is hard in that regard for me, especially the days surrounding Mother’s Day. I’m drawn to reading about Mothers and their children and seeing how their stories play out and wondering how my own story would have played out. They told me I would get over it, but I haven’t and I know in my heart I never will.

A sense of “home” is a very foreign concept to me. It isn’t New York, it isn’t where my parents life, it isn’t where I spent my youth….none of those places give me the sense of comfort and acceptance I feel is the essence of what “home” is. I worry that if I can’t create it for my self, I won’t be able to create it for my own family. If only I could stitch one of those “Home is where you heart is” pillows, but alas my sewing skills are worse than my cooking skills and they usually involve massive blood loss.

My run-in with the law.....

After getting home last night at 3am and going to bed at 4:30, I somehow managed to drag myself out of bed this morning and make it to work at my normal time. When I stepped off the elevator the security alarm was going off and two of my co-workers were standing there attempting to shut it off. In my very hungover state I managed to enter my code and get it to stop going off. As I turned to crawl my way to the coffee maker the elevator doors open and in walked two NYPD officers. One of them being absolutely GORGEOUS. They were perfectly nice about the situation once we explained that we had tripped the alarm and the cute one kept asking questions about our record label and the music. A co-worker gave them some CDs and they went on their way. On his way out, the cute one looked at me and said "if you ever need anything just set your alarm off and I'll come back". I managed to avoid lunging for the alarm box and hitting the panic button. Sigh...coupled with my earlier incident with the NYFD hottie in the grocery store, I can definitely say they are New York's finest....

It's nearly 3am and I'm sitting on my couch eating bread and watching old episodes of Murphy Brown on Nick at Night........insomnia sucks.

Wasn't this an episode of Friends? UPDATED

Since returning from my trip last night, I have noticed a peculiar squeak/beep (hereinafter referred to as a "Squeap") in my apartment. It is a single loud chirp that occurs at irregular intervals and appears to be coming from the bathroom. Initially I thought it was the smoke alarm in the hallway, but I took it down, removed the batteries and still the sound continues. I thought perhaps the smoke alarm had an internal back-up battery, so I spent an hour trying to rip open the plastic cover trying to locate it, but was unable to break it open. Eventually I gave up, closed the bedroom door and took sleeping pills in an attempt to sleep through it. When I woke up this morning, the Squeap was still going. I am unsure of how to proceed at this point. If anyone knows of a good Squeap exorcist, let me know.

I came home from work tonight determined to put an end to the Squeap. Using a flathead screwdriver, pliers and determination I did manage to pry the cover off the smoke alarm. However, there was no back-up battery to be found. In complete desperation I attempted to smash what I thought was the speaker, but to no avail, the Squeap continued. It was around this time that I finally started to accept that the sound was not coming from the smoke detector. I got out my drafting table stool (the tallest thing in my apartment) climbed up and searched every corner of my apartment for the Squeap source. FINALLY I found it in a dark hallway…a carbon monoxide detector hidden on top of the picture rail that surrounds the walls of my apartment about a foot below the ceiling. Patting myself on the back for being so ingenious (and ignoring the fact it took me more than 24 hours) I tasted victory. That is until I attempted to get the carbon monoxide detector off the wall. I yanked, I twisted, I squeezed, but it Squeaped in my face in utter defiance. Since I couldn’t tell if it was hooked into the building security system, I didn’t want to risk taking my softball bat to it and ending the ordeal. Not to be defeated, I managed to break the flimsy plastic clips holding the battery cover on and remove it (luckily it was NOT hooked into the security system…or at least if it was, nobody cared). Victory! Squeap – 0, Kai – 1. Of course now I have a smashed smoke detector and a broken carbon monoxide detector to replace, but it’s a small price to pay for the end of the Squeaping.

You know…I kind of miss it.

Welcome to LaGuardia

I have returned from my birthday trip! Details to follow...but all in all it was a good trip. Good food, good friends and a great birthday.

More later when I have time to process.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rain and pickles

So this morning starts with me attempting to make it to the subway lugging a suitcase, my purse and my dignity and ends with me dropping a pickle on a pile of recording agreements. This doesn't bode well for someone who is supposed to be airborn in 7 hours.

Had I just not cared about my hair, the suitcase thing would not have been an issue. Many MANY a time I have lugged my suitcase to work with me on Friday night to catch the last flight to O'Hare. But today, it was raining and I had spent over an hour last night straightening my hair. I have very long hair and it's quite a task and I was not letting the rain ruin my work! I managed to get on the subway with dry hair, but a very wet suitcase....and my fellow 7 Train to Times Square riders looked at me like I was crazy. Well the men did, the straight haired women nodded in solidarity. Crisis averted.

Since I'll be on a plane during normal dinner hours, I decided to go out and get lunch. Normally I skip it, or dine on the crackers or pop tarts in my desk, but I had a craving for "real food" and went out to the local deli for a sandwich. I love this place because it also gives you a free pickle with purchase, and well, what woman doesn't love a free pickle. I brought it back to my desk and in the 15 minutes I was gone, someone had dropped the final version of a recording contact to be signed today on my desk (I do legal work for an independent rock/metal record label). I pushed it aside to devour my lunch and somehow my free pickle flew out of my hands and landed on the pile of agreements. Sigh....now I have to explain to the band why there is a pickle imprint on their newly inked record deal. I have a coffee meeting at 3pm. Perhaps I can stain the latest iTunes deal this afternoon. Scented agreements....I just may be onto something here. It will set our label apart from the rest.

Finally

I am proud to announce that I have finally taken the boxes out of my apartment and down to the recycling! Though I thoroughly enjoyed hurdling them daily, I wasn't sure I could get my suitcase past them in the morning, and though the thought of going to Chicago with nothing more than my purse was tempting, I thought my mother might want me in clothes for Mother's Day, so alas, I've taken them out.

I've made this NY-Chicago trip more times than I can count this year....and it's only May. I have the same seat on the same planes and have the same flight attendants. I wonder if that counts me as a "jet setter"? I think the name implies a certain hipness that I do not posess. Also I think jet setters usually go more to more exotic locales than Chicago, so I guess I'm just a girl with a LOT of frequent flyer miles.


The (formerly) amorous hippos in the apartment above me have lost their love and are currently having one hell of an argument. It has been going on for a few hours now, and I can't lay there anymore and attempt sleep. It's bothering me on many levels, the noise, but not just the volume, I can't make out the words, so it's the lovers quarrel version of the teacher in Charlie Brown. My nosy self wants to know what they are yelling about, but no matter how hard I try, I can't make it out. Secondly, the yelling is bringing back ugly memories for me. The years that D and I did exactly what the two of them are doing. Its funny, I have little recollection of what he and I would so vehemently argue about, so when I replay it in my mind it sounds a lot like what I'm listening to, garbled words, hearing only the highs and lows of various emotions. Again, like the Charlie Brown cartoon. I remember the emotion too clearly for it to have been so many years ago now. I remember the yelling being so bad that you would hear his roommate sneak out to his girlfriends house at 4am so he could get some sleep before having to go to work in the morning. I usually wouldn't be too far behind him, either driving aimlessly around for a few hours, or sacking out on a friend's couch, or going to the 24 hour convenience store and wandering the aisles in my pjs waiting until I knew he had gotten up and gone, so I could go back home, shower and get to work.

I hope things end differently for the (formerly) amorous hippos above than they did for me. In the 10 months here I've never heard them fight before, but have spent countless nights listening to their headboard pound against the wall in an all too familiar rhythm, so perhaps there is hope. I give Mr. Amorous Hippo credit...he's kept his cool and barely raised his voice to Ms. Amorous Hippoette, even though she's been screaming at him for hours. Maybe it means he's guilty of something though, I'm not sure. I can only hope she doesn't end up wandering the aisles of our local 24 hour grocery store or riding the subway until dawn. If she wants to knock on my door, with her pillow under her arm and sack out on my couch it's fine with me. I've been her in a past life and I've come out on the other side.

I can’t decide which is worse, insomnia or writers block. I guess writer’s block, you can always take Nyquil or Unisom to cure insomnia, there’s no pharmaceutical for a lack of inspiration. I wonder if there was, if people would take it. I suppose they would. People do botox and its basically the same principle. Injecting yourself with a chemical substance to produce a more desirable result than the status quo. I wish there was a cure for self loathing, If there is, I can tell you for sure, it’s not Nyquil or Unisom. It’s also not mint Oreos, though further research should be done on those, for they (and York peppermint patties) have some healing powers for sure. It’s hard to be in a bad mood when you have mint Oreos in the house.

Birthday Reflections

Haven't posted in a few days and thought I'd ramble for a bit. Nothing much going on in the life of Kai these days really. Heading to Chicago in a few days for a 4 day weekend and to celebrate my turning 27 on Saturday. 27. It's funny how your perception of ages changes as you get older. I remember being young, maybe 10 or 11 and thinking that by 27 I'd be married, have a few kids, a house....the whole picket fence picture. If you would have told me that instead, I'd be living in an NYC apartment, childless and with no male prospects anywhere near the horizon, I would have been shocked. I look at 30 now with more pragmatic eyes. My goals are much less lofty than they were at 10. I see myself in 3 years (!) still without a date for Friday night, still childless and probably still in this apartment. My goals now are to redecorate my bedroom and increase the savings account. I've become much too practical in my old age.

Insomnia

This birthday countdown moment brought to you by insomnia:

8 days until my birthday!!!!!!

Drive Through Dating

It seems that recently my friends (and myself) have been victims of what I call drive-through dating (or in the really bad cases, drive-by dating) . Let me explain: You meet someone through various channels (online, the subway, through a friend of a friend etc.), you go out once, it's great you have a good time, he calls again in a respectable amount of time and you make plans to go out again. You go on said second date, it's fabulous, you're laughing, cracking jokes, holding hands and at the end of the night he gives you a knock you off your feet good night kiss. And then you never hear from him again. What's the deal?? For a few days you think he's busy at work and his email connection at home is down or he lost his cellphone and doesn't have your number. A few more days go by and you think hmm did he get in an accident in the cab on the way home? Did he get shot in my shady NYC neighborhood? And then it comes to you, he's just not that into you. He liked the attention for a couple of days, liked that he had some cute chick on his arm on a Friday night so the bartender at his regular date spot doesn't think he's going through a dry spell, but in the end he realized that a night out with you was no more enjoyable than sitting on his couch with a beer watching Sportscenter. I just can't compare to a big screen TV and a case of Corona....I'm just going to have to accept that.

Yes. I'm sorry to say, the boxes (all neatly cut down and tied up) are still residing in the front hallway of my apartment. I thought moving them there so that I would have to step over them every day to get in and out of the apartment would motivate me to take them down to the recycling, but alas it hasn't and instead I'm using them as a low-tech security system. I will get them out by the weekend....I WILL.

11 days until my birthday!!!!!

Spent a fabulous day in Central Park. My friend and I did walk the entire 6 miles and it felt good to accomplish it. We rewarded ourselves with getting Subway for lunch. After she left I strolled a bit more through the park with my camera and got some photos. Nothing too great, as I was exhausted, but it was good to exercise the photo muscle and acclimate myself with my camera again. I posted a few in the KaiNYC photo link over there to the right. I'm looking for help with one of the photos, so if you have any suggestions please let me know.

Hopefully I won't be too sore tomorrow, I still need to get those bookcase boxes out of the apartment. I put them in the entry way hoping that it would motivate me to get them out, but instead I've spent three days stepping over them. I WILL take them down to the recycling tomorrow...I will.....

Happy Friday!

Finally, the end of the week is here. It's been one of those weeks where you feel like you've been running a marathon, chasing tornados and skydiving, even though all you've really done is sit in an office for 50 hours. I am supposed to go out with a friend tonight for drinks, but I think I'm going to blow him off and just go home and drop into bed. Tomorrow another friend and I have plans to walk the perimeter of Central Park (6 miles) so I probably should rest up for that anyway. I did my weekly cleaning last night, so all that's left on my weekend chore list is to take the recycling out and swiffer the floors. Oh and maybe do a load of sheets if I feel motivated....I was so desperate for clean sheets last week, I put my flannel set on....and it's April.

7 hours, 7 minutes until I can drop into bed.....

However.....

behold the healing powers of the chocolate covered Oreo.

A Life Lesson

The cure for a cold is NOT an Apple Martini.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5
Mind:	4.6
Body:	4.8
Spirit:	5
Friends/Family:	2.4
Love:	0
Finance:	7.4
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

This is depressing! How can someone get a ZERO love score??! Oh well at least it looks like I have money ROFL

No regrets.....

I got a lease renewal form in the mail last night. Check A for 1 year, check B for 2 years....both options scare me, I'm so commitment phobic. I think my rent went up, but I can't really tell. I should be able to decipher this thing, it's a 4 page lease renewal and I work in the legal profession and read contracts all day, but I can not for the life of me figure out what it says. Anyway, I digress.

1 year or 2....how many more years is my NYC stage of life? I refuse to put a time limit on myself. Just as I knew when it was time to come out here, I believe I'll know when the time to return is. I only know that when I move on from this stage, I want to have no regrets. I want to be able to look back on the places I've been and the experiences I've had here and say that I truly lived a life in NYC.

Things left to do:

Spend more time in the park! Central Park, Carl Shurtz Park and Flushing Meadow
Go to Chelsea Piers
Take NYC photos (including night skyline shots)
Get kissed in Central Park during a snowstorm....
Go to Yankee stadium (already been to Shea)
Go to the NY public library
See the Frick collection
Visit the International Center for Photography

I'll add to the list (and check things off) I'm sure, but that's a start....my NYC no regrets list.....1 year or 2...

HURRAH! I finally replaced my camera that got stolen! Found an incredible deal online (and a $100 Canon rebate) and couldn't pass it up. Hurrah Hurrah!!!!!!! The debacle is over!

A TV rant.....

I’m sitting alone in my apartment watching TV and I’m noticing that every commercial shows someone wearing a wedding ring. Now I’ve long noticed them in commercials for baby products and mattresses and I’ve accepted that. I understand the wholesome image they are trying to project, but now even the most commonplace products have that glamour wedding ring shot, and for what purpose? Do I have to be married to take Allergy medicine? Does singledom mean I can’t buy cotton? Own a car? These commercials never show another person, never allude to marriage, so why the wedding ring? I feel excluded and not validated as a whole person, just because I’m not married. Society (and my mother) give me enough pressure as it is to “settle down” and find a husband, now I have to endure it from the latest Tums commercial too?

It's a bit slow today at work with all the execs out at opening day of the Mets. I've now spent hours blog browsing and throwing everyone's secret blog stat counters off. A lot of people have posted about music and what songs bring back certain memories for them. Though also someone who is affected by music, books also spawn certain memories for me. A book is a photograph in my mind. I remember the giver or the place on my travels I bought it long after I've forgotten the story contained within:

The Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan was a birthday gift from Caryn my last year in college. A beautiful story, I'm actually reading again, despite the strain of having to carry a heavy hardcover book on my commute each day.

My Cambridge Guide to Theatre.....a fantastic reference book while in college, later used for pressing leaves during a Martha Stewart moment. I bought new bookshelves last month and in the re-arranging of books dozens of forgotten leaves fluttered out.

The T.S. Eliot book I bought on my first trip to Boston with CDC...a book I've yet to read....

In the Lake of the Woods...one of the few books I've ever read in one sitting. I sat in the armchair of Cornie's house in Urbana with my legs slung over the side engrossed in the story, unaware of time passing. Still one of my favorite books, I try to read it at least once a year.

O...ff to browse Amazon for some new memories...

Are you kidding me?

So everyone else was doing the findyourspot.com thing, so I thought I'd give it a try. Now as you are reading this list of the places it says I'm best suited to live, keep in mind that I currently live in New York City. I'm thinking the transition from NY-Toledo would be a bit rough....

Top 10 places I should apparently live:
1. Norfolk, VA
2. Charlotte, NC
3. St. Louis, MO
4. Indianaoplis, IN (coincidentally where I was born)
5. Des Moines, IA
6. Cincinnati, OH
7. Toledo, OH
8. Omaha, NE
9. Columbus, OH
10. Carslisle, PA

I truly do not think I would live in ANY of the above-mentioned cities....I can't believe that website things I'm the Nebraska kind of gal. Guess it's time to break out the ruby slippers and follow the yellow brick road.

Oh How Things Change..

As a child I used to love the sound of the local ice cream truck. As soon as you heard the cheerful tune, you begged your mom for 50 cents (or stole it from her wallet if she wasn't around) and ran outside. Now I'm older and the incessant 15 note melody incites a completely different reaction. I have thoughts of widening hips, lactose intolerance and jingle induced migranes. Oh how things change.

I’ve been stuck lately on this notion of “fun”. I go to work and hear people talk about their weekends, what bars they went to, where they went golfing, what dinner party they attended and I find myself wondering what it is like to have a “life”. The answer to “what did you do this weekend” for me is always exactly the same “nothing”. People think I’m exaggerating when I tell them I go home on Friday night and literally do not leave my apartment again until Monday morning. I sleep a lot, browse the net and flip aimlessly through the TV channels, or watch old episodes of the West Wing on DVD. Every weekend. Was I born the social equivalent of an 80 year old shut-in? I remember being slightly more social in high school, but I guess it’s easier to be social when you have friends and people asking you to hang out. I accept that the romantic relationship thing is not something I am capable of handling, I’m not in any way looking for a boyfriend, I’m looking for a friend. For some reason, I’ve not been able to really click with anyone at work. The other people on the assistant level have taken to a complete hatred of me for some reason, so they are out of the question. One of the interns who is actually from Iowa and I chat a bit, but she’s in school and working two jobs and doesn’t really have time to hang out. The other person I talk to with any regularity is married and it’s always a very awkward situation for a single woman to ask a married man to hang out. I feel it’s inappropriate, even though I have no ulterior intentions. I had always heard that NY was hands down the worst place to meet people and it’s completely true. In a city of millions, it’s hard to believe, but everyone is so insular it’s nearly impossible to break in. It’s proof that you can be lonely in even the largest of cities.

I think I feel like I missed out on my “wild days”. I’m afraid of looking back in several years and finding out that my chance to be free and fun is gone. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I honestly do not know how to have fun. Was it a class in college I skipped? One of the gen-ed courses I forgot to take? When do we learn to have fun?

DST

I absolutely loathe daylight saving time. My internal body clock is already completely wacky and add in changing the time on me every 6 months and it totally throws me off. I don't know anyone else who is as affected by this as I am. I'm also quite anal about the clocks in my house...I absolutely can not stand clocks in the same room that don't say the exact same time. Setting clocks in my house is a very tedious job and I am not looking forward to having to do it today.

Also, fun fact: It is NOT daylight savingS time as most people think. The correct grammar is actually dalight saving time. Even though daylight savingS time is commonly known (and appears in the dictionary), it's technically incorrect. The word saving is modifying time (ex. dog walking timee), it is a saving daylight kind of time, hence the singlular form of the word.

Rargh....of to play with clocks. bleah.

I forgot to charge my iPod last night, so I was forced to plug my headphones into the gym tv/audio system. The person before me had left the TV turned to the in-house music video station, so I decided to give it a shot. It was an interesting mix of old school 80's videos, some new stuff (actually quite a bit of stuff from the record label I work at as well) and in terms of genre was completely across the board, rock, metal, alternative, pop, rap, definitely a good work-out mix. I was trotting along just fine until a rap song by the Artist Fabolus (I think) came on. The video and lyrics to this song nearly knocked me off the treadmill. Basically the song is about a man who is cheating on his wife with another woman. He's praising the "other woman" for being so cool, and not hounding him to spend more time with her or to leave his wife. "you know my situation and sometimes I know you get impatient, but you don't put on shows to get ovations", "You aint ever step out of line, Or get out a pocket, So i made sure canary sent out your locket". I was appalled at this video and the lyrics. Is this really the message people feel is appropriate to send to our children. Boys see this and think it's cool to have extramarital affairs. Girls are taught that status as "the other woman" is not only acceptable, but acceptance of the position is rewarded. It's ludicrous. I hate this society we live in at times.

"Cause the entre ain't as good without something on the side ya' know."

I got tagged..

I got tagged (whatever that means...I'm still newish to all this) and apparently I'm supposed to list 6 weird things about me. Anyone who has read my blog knows WAY more than 6 weird things about me already, but alas, I'm doing as I'm told.

1. I won't eat red meat, fish or pork, but I have a secret love of salami, and sometimes indulge.

2. I'm terrified of the post office. I buy my stamps online and send everything I can either FedEx or UPS. I will NOT go into the post office.

3. When I cook (stop laughing), I do the dishes BEFORE I eat. The kitchen must be clean before I'll sit down to eat my food.

4. I absolutely love doing laundry and ironing. Its very cathartic for me.

5. I own hundreds of books, yet I refuse to put them in any order. I like the hunt when I'm looking for something specific.

6. I'm a photographer, yet I absolutely can not stand to have my own photo taken. I loathe the thought of someone having a photograph of me in their posession.

A true nightmare.....

I rarely dream, or at least I rarely remember my dreams, but last night I dreamt I was in love. I've never had a dream like this before. I don't know how I knew I was, or even who he was, but when I woke up I knew I had just dreamt love. I'm not someone who believes that dreams mean anything, but this one really shook me up for some reason. I've never dreamt an emotion before...it's a very powerful thing.

Everyone is out at meetings on Thursdays, hence the excessive blogging.

In my infinite boredom, I've been blog browsing on blogger.com...it's an exercise in humanity and I like being reminded that there are other people out there with the same crazy thoughts and habits as I have.

One of the things that came up in something I was reading was the concept of a "love language". It was a definite "light bulb moment" for me as Dr. Phil says. We all absorb things differently. I consider myself a romantic, I respond best to actions of love, while some people respond better to verbal expressions of love, or physical expressions of love. We get upset when people question our feelings, yet we don't acknowledge that everyone has a different heart and a different way of not only expressing it, but also of believing. I say that nobody has ever loved me, and yet I can't help but wonder if perhaps they did, I just didn't see it.

Oh the memories......for you Caryn....

I was chatting online with a co-worker this morning and the subject of college antics came up.....Now by no means am I wild....for me the typical weekend includes scrubbing the bathtub and watching old episodes of the West Wing on DVD in my pjs, but like most people, I've done some stupid things in my life. Unfortunately (or fortunately I suppose) one of my roommates in college, was into photography and captured many of my moments, so for all eternity I can be reminded of my stupidity. Normally I'm terrified to have my picture taken. I absolutely loath being in front of the camera and always volunteer to take group photos when I can, but during my college years I didn't care, or didn't notice and I have a wonderful photo album filled with memories. (One that I will hopefully never have to share with anyone, ever). I happened to flip through it last night and couldn't help but laugh at my favorites.....Deciding it was going to be a fantastic idea to sled down the stairs of my apartment on my hardcover sketch book (great idea until I hit the wall at the landing where the stairs turn).....Staying up for 3 days straight drafting and being so irritated by the large tree-like weed growing out side the window next to my drafting table that I did some 3am pruning....with a butcher knife.....trying to solder my circuits project after 2 days of no sleep and burning my fingers to a crisp.....and of course my favorite....taking my roommates desk apart using only a hammer in order to get a stuck drawer to open....Various roommates took part in their own antics as well. Mike who once tried to scare me by putting a paper bag over his head and charging at me with the Dustbuster (which didn't work but I have a fantastic photo of him trying)...Adam who once set the kitchen on fire, to which his only course of action was to say "whoa"....Andy who once forgot to remove the wrapping from a frozen pizza and put it in the oven.....and Erin who dressed her boyfriend up in my high school homecoming dress and took him to a party. Not to mention there is still the issue of the missing colander...which I'm pretty sure can be found at Curt's house...but I've since replaced it and am trying to let that one go...It's ok...we got them even in one of the best snowball fights in the history of winter....

I miss those days. I definitely don't have as much fun as I did back then. I miss being surrounded by creativity and artistic-minded people. I don't know if I appreciated it back then...but I definitely miss it now.....

Thanks for the trip down memory lane....

So....I was thinking...

That it probably isn't normal to be cleaning the stove at 3am....but yet, that was exactly what I was doing....the street outside my window was quiet...no noises from the elephants upstairs, just me, my bottle of 409 and a scrub brush.....

Ok...it's official. I'm weird.

First, Last, Next

FIRSTS:

1. First kiss: Age 16, Patrick someone in the high school band room...LOL
2. First love: Still waiting
3. First heartbreak: My high school bf Scott...he cheated on me
4. First car: Blue Mercery Tracer
5. First pet: Moon my one-eyed dog
6. First word: Doggie
7. First concert: Emerson String Quartet....
8. First sexual partner: C at the age of 20
9. First alcoholic beverage: A wine cooler
10. First time you stayed out all night: High school....I liked an older guy and wanted to show him I was grown up...LOL
11. First best friend: Kylene in grade school, Aaron in high school
12. First job: Stagehand
13. First school: Wow..no clue....
12. First movie you watched in a theater: Bambi with my mom
13. First thing you really saved up money for: A drafting table LOL
14. First run in with the Law: Speeding....didn't get a ticket though.
15. First date: Still waiting LOL...hmm probably Scott in high school...movies or something

--------------------------------------------------------

LASTS:

1. Last kiss: No comment, but he was HOT!
2. Last person you hugged: A co-worker I think after a bad day.
3. Last person you spoke to: My boss's wife.
4. Last alcoholic beverage: Wine last weekend
5. Last sexual partner: No comment, see #1.
6. Last movie: Rush Hour! It was on TV last weekend.
7. Last person you thought of: See #1 and 5 LOL
8. Last school you went to: University of Illinois
9. Last person you said " I love you" to: Nobody
10. Last run in with the Law: Car accident a few years ago..
11. Last fight you were in: Verbal? a few nights ago, physical - back in college.
12. Last bar/club/concert/party you went to: Cipriani Wall Street
13. Last person you e-mailed: Grace
14. Last thing you ate: Rice and peas
15. Last thing you saved up money for: Car
-------------------------------------------------------

NEXT

1. Next person you want to kiss: The last person I kissed.
2. Next movie you want to see: In her Shoes
3. Next person you want to go out with: CH
4. Next car you want to have: Ford Escape Hybrid
5. Next time you're going out: Monday night I think
6. Next time you're going to move: In 2 years or so back to IL.
7. Next thing you are going to save money for: Car
8. Next time that you will drink alcohol: No idea.
9. Next person you are going to call: Grace probably
10. Next place you'll take vacation: London
11. Next thing you are going to do after filling this survey out: Go back to work.
12. Next thing you are going to eat: No clue...
13. Next time you plan to be drunk: My birthday
14. Next thing you are going to do outside: Walk to the subway to go home.
15. Next person you'd like to see fill this out: Caryn

I'm a single gal....

I'm a single NYC gal, good job, supports herself, buy books like most women buy clothes, drug free and have no more than the normal amount of insanity that ones has to posess to live in NY, so why on earth is it THIS hard to find a date in this city (or any city for that matter). Could it really be that I have dated ALL the eligible Asian men already? According to yahoo personals, eharmony and match.com, I have. Upon filling out the sometimes extensive profiles required for registration, I'm constantly matched with the SAME guy (Andrew)...who has already had the experience of dumping me and is probably not all that eager to repeat it. Aside from wanting an Asian man, I am extremely open minded about the type of man I want to meet. I'm not even really looking to "date" whatever that means to the kids these days, I'm looking for someone to have a cup of coffee with over the Sunday Times, someone to walk through Central Park with on a sunny Saturday afternoon....grab an ocassional drink with after a hard day at work...Can I really be at the absolute bottom of the NYC dating pool? At this point I'm not even IN the pool, I'm in the locker room stuck trying to figure out if I have my suit on backwards or not....

I'm tired. Not the kind of tired that goes away after a 20 minute nap, not the kind of tired where you'll catch up after a good night's rest, but the kind of completely exhaustion that only goes away with a good close the drapes, turn the phones off 15 hour hibernation kind of sleep. Let's hope coffee can stave this off until the weekend....

Opened the new car/moving savings account today. A friend suggested that I have a separate (non ATM linked) account and I found one with no minimum and a decent interest rate, so I went for it. I need to be better in general about saving and this is definitely a great way to start. I've also GOT to replace the camera that got stolen. I definitely want that before my trip to London this summer.

Here officially begins my stint in frugality!!!!

The new bookcases arrived! Even though I had to spend my entire weekend attempting to assemble them by myself (a task that with help would have two hours tops) it was well worth it. I have empty shelf space again! Hurrah!

Off to browse amazon.com...it's a vicious vicious circle...

I'm tired of being the pool you are dangling your feet in. Either jump in or leave.

What extreme boredom at work makes you do....

pry off all the keys on your keyboard and clean the crumbs out...now if only I could remember where the letters go....

Ok. Enough with the snow coverage already! Yes, we got a lot of snow. Yes it's difficult to walk in. Yes it cancelled lots of flights, but we GET it....Snow is hard to deal with, but we're all going to be ok. This is not Apocolypse Now. CNN, NY Post, Daily News...please go find some real news. Like tratracking down prominent lawmakers who shoot friends for sport on the weekends.

The concept of baggage came up in another forum, but I didn't want to post my thoughts there. Baggage is the stuff that makes a person real. It's the lessons of their past, the scars from their experiences, their triumphs, their accomplishments. Without baggage we would be empty, an unused suitcase with no travels or scratches.

Some people search for an ideal in a mate. They want someone who is flawless and settle for nothing less than their definition of perfection. I seek the scars of another person, the marks from a life lived. I want someone who doesn't hide their history, who has a story to tell and who wants to hear even the ugliest facets of mine. I want someone who is real.

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in teh breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

Sonnet 130 -W. Shakespeare

Expectations....

Someone asked me recently if it was possible to be just be friends with someone you have/had romantic feelings for. I absolutely think it's possible, but not without a LOT of torture, tears and heartache. It comes down to whether you feel that the moments of friendship that you do share are worth the moments of sadness that will accompany them. It baffles me that we put ourselves in these situations. How many friendships never came to light because we destroyed them with expectations of romance and dating and were dissapointed? How can you even truly like someone before you know them? You meet someone who kind-of might be cool and jump straight in to "potential relationship mode". It's not the qualities of the person you are attracted to, it's the idea of a relationship and hormones that are calling the shots. I'm definitely guilty of falling in love with ideas and not people. Maybe not so much ideas, but with possibility. A lot of times we fight for the concept of a relationship and not the actual person. One person tries to change the other into the ideal and that is almost always the beginning of the end. I am so sensitive to being altered. Maybe it's my innate stubborness, but as soon as I feel as though I'm not accepted for truly who I am, I bail. I'm the first to admit I suck at relationships, but the one thing I never do is try to make someone into someone they are not. People are complex. They are made up of parts that annoy you, parts that you admire, parts that you hate, parts that you couldn't live without....Relationships (for me) are about loving the sum of the parts, the bigger picture. The whole person. Unfortunately, people get to chose the parts of themselves that you get to see. The "bigger picture" is still cropped. We all have secrets we'll never tell, parts of our history that will always remain just ours. The trick is finding someone's core self, finding the pieces of them that affect everything else. When you find those elements of a person, that's when it becomes something real. Your relationship stops being about similar interests, taste in food and starts being something strong. I'm not defined by my hatred of tomatoes, my love of Ocean's 11 or my obsessive organization and I certainly don't want others to define me or pigeonhole me based on those things. You have to want to search. Getting to know me is a journey and one that many come ill equiped for. Perhaps I should give out a compass, a canteen and a weapon at the door. We're too quick to categorize people I think...to put them into sections of our heart "friend" "romantic interest" "weird guy". You'll never know what someone is meant to be to you if you don't abolish expectations from you mind and focus on getting to know who they are. I need to try harder to listen to my own advice. I see a gorgeous Asian man and immediately my mind swirls with possibility and hope. Its the hope (and the hormones LOL) that destroys the possibility in the end.

NY Odd sighting #1

This morning on my subway ride to work there was an Asian man in his 30s reading an erotic story. Not a book that had steamy parts, but a computer printed out erotic story. Now I'm all for freedom of speech, but really isn't 8:30am a bit early in the AM to be reading such things? Seems more like reading material for the ride home...

Before last night I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard I cried. Around midnight my friend Grace called me to turn on Animal Planet. I thought she was insane, but I did it anyway and discovered this show called "Puppy Bowl II". Basically it's THREE HOURS of puppies running around in a pseudo mini football field. It sounds boring, but it's strangely enthralling. For hours I sat glued to my TV watching puppies play. Ocassionally a "ref" of some sort would come out throw a flag on the field (which usually a puppy would promptly steal or pee on) and announce something ridiculous like "5 yard penalty for illegal "pawffence". Grace and I were in TEARS watching the whole spectacle which included a riveting half time show of horror stricken cats sitting on scratching posts getting bombarded with buckets and buckets of confetti. It was pure comedy from start to finish. It's good to laugh like that every once in awhile. Check your Animal Planet schedule for repeats. It's not something one should miss.

Another addictive book site...

http://www.bookcrossing.com/

*at least this one is free :-)

Some thoughts on dating..

Now I'm not a person who actually gets asked out on dates, and actually can't even remember the last time I had anything even resembling a date, but lately I've been thinking about dating and the various ways that people meet and fall in love. When you meet someone on-line or go on a blind date, you go into the experience with all these expectations of "Mr. Ideal" and it's easy to write the person off when they don't possess all the qualities you have in your head that you are looking for. I truly is a job interview of sorts, the job being "husband". When you meet someone in a different context, at work, school, on the street, you don't have a preconceieved label for them in mind already. You take your time, you get to know them slowly and fully and a relationship of definition forms on its own (acquaintance, boyfriend, friend, strange guy I'll never talk to again, etc.).

Patience truly is a virtue. I know I am sometimes guilty of looking for labels and not for people. I'm guilty of having an ideal in my head that I'm starting to realize isn't that important to me. There is a new book out called "The Year of Yes" where this woman decided that for a year she would go out with every man who asked, no matter what. Now granted this woman got asked out more times in this one year than I'll be asked out in a lifetime, but the concept is intriquing. I haven't read the book yet, but apparently she did end up marrying one of the guys she normally would have rejected "on spec". I wonder sometimes if the quest for Mr. Ideal causes us to lose our open mind about people. We stop looking at people as a whole person and instead section them out into "things we like about them" and "things we don't like about them" categories, instead of remembing how they make us feel. The older I get the harder the struggle between practicality and emotion becomes. It's a fight to think less and feel more. I just hope its worth it in the end.....

Caryn's post regarding songs that spur memories has gotten me thinking about my own soundtrack of life. My earliest music memory is Peter, Paul and Mary's "Right Field" (that may not be the exact title). It's this song about a boy relegated to playing right field during a baseball game and how boring he thinks it is ("....I'm here in right field just watching the dandelions grow") I always thought it was funny and as I was playing softball at the time and hated playing outfield I could definitely commiserate. High school was my angst rock phase, so anything Nirvana or Stone Temple Pilots makes me laugh in remembrance of my former self. My first "love" if you can even call it that now in high school and I also danced to Chicago's "You're the Inspiration" so that song still and forever will tug at my heartstrings. College and post-college definitely have the most diverse playlists...No matter where I am, if I hear Dave Matthews Band I always think of Curt. I'll never forget our "date" at the lake, lying in the sun in the grass in eachothers arms, watching the ducks. It's been years since I talked to him, but DMB always takes me back. Working in the Events department at KCPA brought a whole new genre in the mix. I cringe at the sound of a Cassandra Wilson song remembering the terror of my experience with her. The LA Guitar Quartet spawns sweeter memories, as does Beethoven's String Quartets. And of course whenever I hear the ending song that was played during The Colored Museum a whole flood of memories both good and bad come back.

I work at a record label now, and I'm sure in years to come, the songs I hear on a daily basis will bring about memories of my years here. It's an interesting thought, knowing that what you hear today will be your memory of tomorrow.

A Misc. Update.....

I've been a blog slacker lately and for that I appologize. I haven't been writing at all lately. The words are stuck inside for some reason. You know when you start cleaning out your closet and you just pull everything out and put it in a huge pile on the floor so you can start sorting through it, that's how I feel......like clothes in a heap on the floor. Like scrabble letters that no matter how hard you try, you just can't make a word out of.

In other news, I almost set my office on fire this morning. It's unusually cold in our building today so I plugged my heater in, turned it on and it started to spark and fill the room with smoke. I managed to unplug it, but the charred plastic smell still lingers.

I've been flying a lot lately...mostly the Fri - Sun late night NY-Chicago flight....I'm starting to get used to it and I'm seeing some of the same people. I swear I've even had the same flight attendant the past two times. It's been a rough few months for me and being surrounded by the people who know me best has been unbelievably helpful, even if I have to fly 900 miles once a month to see them. I was lucky to find such amazing friends in high school and college..there's a bond I think you make at that age that withstands time and circumstance. Or maybe I just like the single serving of pretzles you get on the plane...

No news on the love front....I declared 2006 my year off from dating and its still holding strong. 20 days into January I think it's been the New Years resolution I've kept the longest. I fully reserve the right to recind my declaration if some hottie wants to take me to dinner though. I love New Years resolutions that come with disclaimers LOL.

That's about it, I think you are all caught up. If you need to reach me try the 9:34pm Friday night shuttle to Chicago. I'm usually near the back on the aisle.

Do you ever feel like you are incomplete? Like you are a bunch of scrabble letters that don't make a word no matter how hard you try?

That's how I feel.

Another great site for booklovers!!!!!

www.bookins.com

Here's a pic of the group I went out to dinner with on Friday night. My friend from work is the guy standing next to me (the only white girl in the pic) and his brother is to his left.

Despite fighting a nasty beginning of the year cold, I went out to dinner with a co-worker (a cute Asian one I have a bit of a crush on!!!) and some of his friends last night. I didn't know a single person other than my co-worker so it was a bit awkward, but it was ok. I spent most of the evening talking to my co-worker's brother (very cute until I found out he was only 22!), but I did manage to be social and interact with everyone at some point. The whole large group thing (there were 8 of us) is just not for me. I've always avoided parties and group outings......I'm not really sure why. I've never been a people person. Social gatherings and even the most basic of human interactions makes me nauseous. I've been that way for as long as I can remember. I wonder if its because I moved around a lot as a child, I went to two different grade schools, two different high schools.....I'd make friends and then shortly thereafter have to say goodbye. The age of cell phones and email wasn't born yet, so inevitably I'd lose touch. You get tired of always starting over, always being afraid of having to say goodbye so you just stop trying. The four years I went to college were the longest I had ever lived in one place consecutively. I never learned how to form relationships with people that lasted, I learned to fear the inevitable goodbye and avoid it. Even now, in control of the fate of my address I still can't let go of the past and I keep myself at a distance from people and relationships of any kind. I wonder if to me people will always = pain...........

A friend turned me on to this site and I LOVE it! Finally a way to keep track of what books I own online!!!!

www.librarything.com

If you want to view my book collection the link is:

http://www.librarything.com/catalog.php?view=kainyc

2005

This year I look into 2006 with feelings of trepidation. 2005 showed us a year of chaos, destruction and of great loss. I find myself not looking to 2006 to be a year of major advances or grand possibility, but instead I look for it to be the year of recovery.

Still recouping the losses of the late 2004 Tsunami, the losses of 2005 were just as devastating and came in many forms. We lost pieces of history with the destruction of New Orleans and the passing of a civil rights icon, a major news anchor, a Supreme Court Justice and the Pope. The war in Iraq claimed 2,161 lives, Hurricanes Katrina and Rita 1,383, the London bombings 37.

NYC had yet another year of chaos. Transit workers walked off the job and left millions (myself included) without their usual method of commute. As per usual, we overcame by whatever means necessary, we carpooled, we walked (7 miles in 20 degree weather across the 59^th Street Bridge). We brought back the art of hitch hiking.

My own circle of loved ones had a year of major life shifts including two marriages, a cross-country move and a beautiful new baby. My own life contained a cross-borough move and end of a relationship.

All in all for me it was a year that taught the importance of giving. Whether it be of my self, my time or my money, giving to those less fortunate is an important lesson to remember, not just post destructive events, but for those who have been born into a life without basic human needs and means.

I look at 2006 as a year for myself. To work on myself and become closer to the person I want to be. I’m letting go of love and relationships for the year and declaring it the year to be single and remain focused on becoming a richer person not for someone else, but for my self.

2006 will definitely be the year of recovery. For me I will reclaim my sense of self, for some they will reclaim their jobs and homes and still other will reclaim their lives after losses of many different forms.

Happy New Year. May the upcoming 365 days fulfill some wishes, create new desires and bring much happiness to all.

The strike is over!!!!

Once again I have nothing better to do than steal posts from CB.....

Hot Chocolate or Apple Cider?
Apple Cider, definitely. Though for me, it's more of a fall thing in general, not just Christmas.

Turkey or Ham?
Definitely neither. Not a meat eater.

Do you get a Fake or Real you-cut-it-yourself Christmas tree?
I have one of those cute little fake trees that have the lights already in it. You just unfold and decorate! Insta-tree!

Decorations on the outside of your house?
Nope.

Snowball fights or sledding?
Snowball fights! Remember the kick-ass one we had with the boys in Apt 8 that year CB??

Do you enjoy going downtown shopping?
I do enjoy shopping during the holidays...the crowds, the songs...its all part of the holiday experience I think. Lately because of shipping issues, I've gone most of mine online and I've actually started to miss the insanity.

Favorite Christmas song?
Anything on the Ella Fitzgerald Christmas Album.....she's amazing.

How do you feel about Christmas movies?
Every year my mom and I watch "A Christmas Story" just for the laughs, but I don't really care about any of the others at all.

When is it too early to start listening to Christmas music?
The day after Thanksgiving is the first day it's ok.

Stockings before or after presents?
Presents on the 24th, Stockings on the 25th.

Carolers, do you or do you not watch and listen to them?
No.

Go to someone else's house or they come to you?
Christmas Eve we stay home, Christmas Day we go to the family.

Do you read the Christmas Story? If so when?
Yes, Chrismtas Eve night.

What do you do after presents and dinner?
On Christmas Eve we do earlyish dinner, then church, then home and do presents into the night, then Christmas Day we get up and do Stockings and then drive to Chicago to see the family.

What is your favorite holiday smell?
Cookies baking in the oven

Ice skating or walking around the mall?
Ice skating!

Do you open a present or presents on Christmas Eve, or wait until Christmas day?
My parents also follow the German tradition of Christmas Eve for presents with stockings on Christmas morning.

Favorite Christmas memory?
The blackout where we had to open our presents by firelight.

Favorite Part about winter?
Kissing during a snowfall...and snowball fights!

Ever been kissed under mistletoe?
No. Any volunteers?

I'm officially earned my NY badge of honor. I've (so far) survived my first ny catastrophe. I always get asked if I was here 9/11 or during the blackout and I was fortunately not, but now the new question will be "Did you survive the transit strike?" and I can proudly say, Yes, I overcame it by walking 2.5 hours each way to work for three days. I think I can probably skip going to the gym this week eh?

Courtesy of Seasons of the Heart, which was courtesy fat little pug. My additions and thoughts are in bold italics.

[] I'm afraid of the quiet. I'm with CB, I enjoy the quiet.
[] I am really ticklish.
[] I'm afraid of the dark. I like the dark.
[] I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night.
[] I am homosexual.
[] I believe in true love This one is hard for me...I believe it exists, I'm just not sure it exists for me.
[] I've ran away from home.
[] I collect comic books.
[X] I shut others out when I'm sad
[] I stayed out all night.
[] I open up to others easily.
[X] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[X] I watch the news. I'm a CNN junkie..I'm in love with Anderson Cooper
[] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[] I love Disney movies.
[] I am a sucker for pretty eyes.
[X] I kill bugs.
[X] I curse all the time. Tsk, yes sadly I'm not a lady
[] I have (had) "x"s in my screen name.
[X] I've slipped and fell in public.
[X] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation. Sadly yes, I've also left Im-esque voicemails
[] I love Spam.
[] I bake well.
[X] I have worn pajamas to class. Finals.....college...ugh
[X] I own something from Abercrombie.
[X] I have a job.
[X] Talked on a phone for 5 hours.
[] I love Dr. Phil.
[X] I like someone. I've always got my eyes (or other things) on someone
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[X] I am self-conscious. EXTREMELY
[X] I love to laugh.
[X] I have tried alcohol.
[X] I drink alcohol on a regular basis.
[X] I have tried a cigarette.
[] I have tried a cigar.
[] I have smoked a pack in one day.
[] I loved Lord of the Flies.
[] I have cough drops when I'm not sick. Do those Vitamin C drops count?
[] I can't swallow pills.
[X] I have a few scars. Emotional and physical
[X] I've been out of this country. Canada
[X] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[X] I love chocolate.
[] I bite my nails.
[X] I am not comfortable with being me. More like i'm not comfortable not knowing who I am
[] I play computer games when I'm bored.
[X] gotten lost in the city.
[] Seen a shooting star.
[X] Had a serious injury
[X] Gone out in public in your pajamas.
[X] Have kissed a stranger.
[X] Hugged a stranger
[] Been arrested.
[] Beverage come out of your nose while laughing
[] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[X] Made out in an elevator. LOL oh the memories....
[X] Swore at your parents.
[] Kicked a guy where it hurts on purpose.
[] Been skydiving.
[] Been bungee jumping.
[X] Gotten stitches.
[] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[] Bitten someone.
[] Been to Niagara Falls.
[] Gotten the chicken pox twice.
[X] Crashed into a car.
[] Have been to Japan. OMG I wish....
[X] Ridden in a taxi. LOL this morning actually
[] Shoplifted.
[] Been fired.
[X] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back. ALL THE TIME
[] Stole something from your job.
[X] Gone on a blind date.
[X] Had a crush on a teacher/coach.
[] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[] Been to Europe. Not yet July 2006!!!!
[X] Slept with a co-worker. ROFL...uh for like 5 years
[X] Been proposed to.
[] Been married.
[] Gotten divorced.
[] Saw someone/something dying.
[X] Driven over 400 miles in one day. 900 NY-IL won't do that again
[X] Been to Canada.
[X] Been on a Plane.
[] Regretful tattoo.
[] More than 5 tattoos.
[X] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[] Been in a bloody fist fight.
[] Thrown up in a bar.
[X] Eaten sushi.
[] Been snowboarding.
[] Been skiing.
[X] Been ice skating.
[X] Cried in public.
[] Walked purposely into traffic with your eyes closed.
[X] Liked someone even though you knew you shouldn't have.
[X] Thought of someone almost 24/7
[X] Hated the world.
[] Been in jail.
[] Shot someone.
[] Got shot.
[] Got stabbed.

I fully support the MTA transit strike until tomorrow morning when I have to WALK SEVEN MILES in 20 degree weather to work.

I have met someone who unknowingly is a constant reminder to me to have faith. A reminder that I definitely need. My soul smiles in his presence and he doesn't even notice. He may never know he makes me happy, he may even end up breaking my heart, but there's something so beautiful in the right now, that I don't even care.

El ayer por la noche era nuestra celebracion de dias festivos. Recuerdeme no beber otra vez.

Algunos dias pregunto si que estoy buscando a partir de vida esta aqui en NY. Pienso que era demasiado rapido salir de Illinois. Pienso que escapo. Tal vez escapar es lo que necesite. No se. Deseo que tenia algo aqui. Deseo que tenia alguien aqui.

Shall we Dance?

Since I love the original Japanese version of Shall we Dance, I had been hesitant to watch the Jennifer Lopez/Richard Gere remake. I watched it this weekend and of course it doesn't hold a candle to the original version, but there was a quote that has stuck in my mind all day.

Woman: All these promises we make and break....Why is it people get married?
Man: Passion.
Woman: No.
Man: Why then?
Woman: Because we need a witness to our lives. There is a billion people on the planet...I mean what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage you are promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things. All of it, all of the time, every day you're saying "Your life will not go un-noticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness".


We all want acknowledgement of our existence I guess, appreciation of being who we are. There ARE a billion people on the planet...why is it so hard to find then?

I re-read the story of Apollo and Daphne tonight, desperately searching for the answers to so many of my questions about life and love. Though the idyllic crossed with the absurd is entertaining to read, I'm not sure I can find the relevance to my own life. Sure, it would be great if we were all pursued so ruthlessly as Daphne was by Apollo, but men don't woo anymore. Romance is dead and co-habitation is a business transaction. I can't remember the last time I simply held hands with someone, found a love note in my backback or had someone suprise me with a bottle of wine after a long day at work. I love doing little things for people, doing the simple gestures that speak the loudest, but I feel like I never get it in return. A wise friend recently reminded me that the gesture of giving and the gesture of loving should be selfless. I need to be better at that, at not wanting reciprocation. We all want to be loved, but that shouldn't be the motivation for loving.

The older I get the more practically I think about life. The idealism I had as a child is gone. Some people fight hard not to let that go, but I seem to have completely relinguish it. I need someone in my life to balance that part of myself out. I need an Apollo to chase my inner child and wipe practicality from my love.

I just hope he doesn't turn me into a tree.