My Meta-life

Family togetherness is over and I have escaped to the suburbs for the last few days of my vacation. My friend I'm staying with went out of town for a few days, so I'm left to collect my thoughts and can reflect on my trip a bit more. There is nothing like going home to force yourself to face your harshest insecurities. For me, being at my parent's house is like being in the audience of a play. The actress (played by your much younger sister) gets to act out all of your dreams and you can do nothing but sit there and watch. The brunch my parents held for the family of her boyfriend was just one of the many interfamily get-togethers they have had over the years. The two sets of parents have spent New Years together, shopped together, had meals together. It is not just the four of us any more. I think aside from the tinge of jealousy I feel that my sister has this huge life experience that I've never had even the slightest hint of (a successful relationship), what bothers me most is that it signifies change. Holidays have now doubled in size. My precious vacation days will now be spent making awkward conversation with my sister's (future) in-laws. Family photos will now be 2 couples and then "the extra" me. For the rest of my life I will have to watch my sister play out the life I've always wanted for myself and I have no idea how to be happy for her and not be sad for myself at the same time.

Merry Christmas!

Greetings from Illinois. Still alive thus far, but the family togetherness is getting on my nerves. Need. Alone. Time. 48 hours until my escape to the suburbs....less than 12 hours until the brunch o'fun my parents are throwing for my sis's bf's family. I wish I knew why her relationship and this brunch bothered me so much. I know I should be a bigger person and just be supportive, but I'm finding it hard to find the reserve within myself to rise above it. It's still 50/50 as to whether or not I attend tomorrow's brunch, though skipping it would be pretty blatant since it's being held in my house.

More later when I have some downtime.

Ho Ho Ho!

I've been Tagged!

A- Available or single?

Single. Very Very Very single.

B- Best Friend?

Aaron and Grace

C- Cake or Pie?

Cake. Preferably with that sugary white frosting. Yum!

D- Drink of Choice?

Apple Martini or a good white whine.

E- Essential Item?

The internet

F- Favorite Color?

Sage green

G- Gummi Bears or Worms?

Gummi anything, it's all the same to me

H- Hometown?

We moved around too much for me to have one.

I- Indulgence?

Peppermint Mochas from Starbucks

J- January or February?

January

K- Kids and names?

None, but I like the names, Ella, Aidan and Eli

L- Life is incomplete without?

Curiousity

M- Marriage Date?

Half past never.

N- Number of Siblings?

1 younger sister

O- Oranges or apples?

Apples

P- Phobias/Fears?

Never experiencing love.

Q- Favorite Quote?

"If you don't know there is a trampoline in a room, you aren't gonna dust the ceiling for prints" - Law & Order

R- Reason to Smile?

My puppy

S- Season?

Fall

T- Tag three people!

Tag. You are it!

U- Unkown Fact About Me?

I eat ice cream with a fork.

V- Vegetable you hate?

Beets. Ick.

W- Worst habit?

Being self critical.

X- X-Rays you've had?

Ribs, fingers, shoulder

Y- Your favorite food?

Sesame Chicken

Z- Zodiac?

Taurus.

Remind me why I spent $400 on a plane ticket home.....

Upcoming highlights from my trip home:

- Flying on the worst weather day in NY of the entire month.

-Driving from Chicago to Parents (3 hours), Parents to Chicago, Chicago to Parents, Parents to Chicago.....= 12 hours in car in 4 days.

- Attending a special brunch my parents are hosting for sister's bf's family and having to live through sis and bf's sickening PDA and baby talk.

- Reminding my parents (AGAIN) that I will (AGAIN) not be eating the Christmas Eve dinner of ham and Christmas night dinner of Pork because I'M A VEGETARIAN and have been for almost 15 years.

24 hours until my flight leaves. Think it's too late to convince my parents there are no NY-IL flights this week?

Help!

For Christmas my sister and I decided to bring my parents into the 21st Century and get them DSL. They've been doing dial-up waaaaay too long and since my dad's been sick he's been working at home more and really needs a faster connection. We managed to get it hooked up and installed without him knowing...our problem is how do we give it to him? I still want to wrap something for him and find a way to tell him, but I haven't been able to come up with any ideas.....I thought about making it a game where he had to find clues (since he's done that to us in the past) but I can't figure out a way to have him find it. Anyone have an ideas??

Conversations in a NY Elevator

Me: I need to go back to college, it was easier to meet men back then.
Co-worker M: Hey, I met my husband in a bar. I threw up on his shoes.
Random girl in elevator: How come that never works when I do it?

Can Someone Please Explain it to Me?

The evil receptionist at work gets asked out by nearly EVERY man who walks off the elevator. FedEx guys, the elevator repairman, salesman, auditors, interview candidates....I've seen it with my own eyes and each time it happens, I'm more and more perplexed. She's attractive, not beautiful, but "cute" ...dresses mostly in jeans and sweatshirts (designer ones that cost more than my monthly rent), and is fairly nice (at least to men) upon first meeting, so I can somewhat understand the initial flirting, but it's CRYSTAL clear once you have a conversation with this girl that's she's just another high maintenance daddy's little girl (even still lives at home) with absolutely no substance. I've seen the way she treats men and it's ridiculous...yelling at them if they don't call within 20 minutes of when they say, refusing to be taken to restaurants that are less than 4 stars, making them change clothes if they don't look good enough for her....It baffles me how someone like her can be so desirable. Any men out there that can explain the allure of a woman like this??? Why are women like her NEVER single, yet women like me (good job, very intelligent and well-read, never give a guy a hard time about anything, can make almost anyone laugh, (mostly) has their life in order, yet not as good looking) can't get a second (or first!) look from men? It's SO frustrating! Is it the arm candy factor? Men just want a girl they can show off to their friends, no matter who she is?? Please please...someone shed some insight!

Aaron's finally on American soil! When I found out, I burst into tears like an idiot. I don't think I cried when he left (this time), but I cried when he came back. If he knew he'd laugh at me and probably make fun of me. Shhh don't tell. It will be our secret ;-)

In honor of his return, I bought myself the entire collection of Fawlty Towers. Aaron and I (and our respective significant others at the time) spent the entire summer after our freshman year of high school roller blading all day and watching Fawlty Towers all night and as soon as I saw in on Amazon I knew I had to have it. I can't wait to crawl in bed tonight and watch it. I only wish he was here with me laughing and remembering that summer along with me.

Gingerbread Recipe

I'm really starting to enjoy cooking. I like eating organic and food with less preservatives. Today in addition to my regular bread making I made this gingerbread recipe I found on allrecipes.com. It's yummy!

INGREDIENTS:

1 egg, beaten 1/2 cup sugar 1/2 cup light molasses 5 tablespoons butter or margarine, melted 2/3 cup cold water

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon ground ginger 1/2 teaspoon salt Whipped cream

DIRECTIONS:

1.

Combine egg, sugar, molasses, butter and water; mix well. In a large mixing bowl, stir together flour, baking soda, ginger and salt; add molasses mixture. Beat until well mixed. Pour into a greased 8-in. square baking pan. Bake at 350 degrees F for 30 minutes or until cake tests done. Serve warm with whipped cream.

I'm a Method Convert

I had been reading a lot about the Method cleaning product line, and was intrigued. A friend at work saw me browsing their website and said she highly recommended them, so I decided to take the plunge and try them out. I have the bathroom wipes and the Cucumber All Purpose Cleaner. Both are FABULOUS. The bathroom wipes are great to have handy for toothpaste spills and wipe downs in between heavy cleanings. I can't say enough about the Cucumber All Purpose Cleaner. The smell is incredible. No dangerous fumes and it worked fabulously. I even wiped down my bathroom floor with it and now the bathroom has a great clean smell and there was NO residue. I hate taking a bath after cleaning my bathtub with bleach, so I'm definitely getting the bathtub/shower cleaner as well. I really like their company philosophy, all the products are good for the environment, not tested on animals and non-toxic. I'll definitely be buying their products from now on.

My only concern with them is that they aren't anti-bacterial. Though I believe that using too many antibacterial products isn't good, I'll still probably use 409 in the kitchen, at least when working with chicken.

Anyone else use Method? I'd love to hear what you think!

Update

Review went unbelievably well. It lasted all of 5 min and basically consisted of "we think you are great, so here's a HUGE raise"! Hurrah!

After today I PROMISE to start saving, but I couldn't resist buying myself a little present from Kenneth Cole. Isn't it gorgeous?!

Wish me Luck!

I have my annual performance review at work tomorrow. I'm nervous, even though everyone keeps telling me not to be. I don't handle criticism well, and as my bosses are lawyers they are hard people to defend yourself to if things do come up! We already got our annual bonuses and mine was pretty good (enough to pay off the London debt COMPLETELY and have a bit left over to buy that Roomba I've been wanting. I'm SO happy to start 2007 debt free), but they decide annual raises based on your review, so keep your fingers crossed and sent good karma my way!

A Weather Update

December 14th and its 60 degrees. I didn't even wear a coat today its so warm. I want SNOW darn it!

AARON LEAVES IRAQ TODAY!!

One of Those Days....

I realized this morning on the subway that I had forgotten my breakfast, so I stopped off a Dunkin Donuts this morning to get coffee and a muffin to bring to work. Upon arriving at work, I went to the fridge to put my lunch away and stopped at the coffee maker to pour myself a cup of coffee. It took a full 5 minutes to realize that I was drinking TWO different kinds of coffee out of two different cups.

Office holiday party is tonight....lets hope I remember what I'm drinking there or else I'm going to be VERY drunk.

A Public Service Announcement

Men and Women of NYC: When you buy a nice coat or jacket that has a vent or slit in the back, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD cut the thread they stitch the vent closed for shipping/display purposes.

Thank you.

A crush!

Someone sent me this link today...this guy is HOT! I've got stars in my eyes! He's so cute!

Job Hunt Update

Sorry to leave you guys hanging! Nothing new on the job hunt. I never did call that woman back about the legal asst job in NY. I really want to return to event planning work, and am looking to move to Chicago, so having the same job elsewhere in NYC isn't something I'm really interested in. My review (and the potential for a holiday bonus that will pay off my remaining debt) is coming up though, so we'll see what happens. Either way I'm going to really step up the job hunt after the holidays. Wish me luck!

Wishful thinking?

I woke up this morning once again to the sounds of banging from my upstairs neighbors. Their headboard has been an all too frequent Saturday morning (Friday night, Sunday afternoon, Tuesday evening....etc...) sound. This morning was especially loud and persistant. For nearly three hours and a half hours the banging continued off and on. If Viagra had been involved, it would have been time to consult a Dr. I was seriously in envy of this guys endurance, and was nearly seething with jealousy of their all morning marathon.

I ventured out this afternoon for my Starbucks Peppermint mocha.....as I was walking down the stairs I saw the guy from upstairs and his girl heading out to the trash.....with a box from Ikea....with a photo of a bed on it....The banging was them BUILDING a new bed. LOL

Let's just hope I don't have to listen to them break it in tonight....

It's NOT beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

It's Dec. 1 and it's 72 degrees in NY. I wore the same outfit today I wore in August.

Global warming is ruining my holiday fun!

Decorating....and other stuff....

I put up my Christmas tree last night. I have one of those little fake trees with the lights already in it....sadly I think this will be the last year for my little tree...the branches are falling off and it's in a very sad state. It was the first tree I had on my own, so it's a little sad to see it go. Hopefully I'll find a bargain after this season's post-Christmas sales.

I'm still sorting out all the thoughts of my recent trip back to IL...I definitely want to move back there, but wonder if it will ever happen. The whole job hunt process is so difficult, especially for me with my wacky background. I often wonder if I screwed myself for life by having such a useless major (theatre lighting design). I wonder how much it works against me when people see it on my resume, though I couch it and call it "BFA in Theatre Design and Technology", but still I think people see the "theatre" and think "freak". I miss event planning and the kind of work I used to do. I definitely need to step up my hunt for those kinds of jobs again.

Been doing the Eharmony thing again....nothing is really coming from it though, much like last time. I don't even really know why I tried it again....I guess I have a touch of the winter loneliness. Something about the cold (well ok it's like 68 here today, but indulge me..November/December is SUPPOSED to be cold) makes me want to cuddle up with someone and drink coffee while reading the New York Times. I really should just get a dog.

The Newest Member of the Seasons Household

Day in the Life of Kai

A friend of mine did this and I thought it was cute, so I thought I'd try too:

8:15am - Get up. Make coffee:

8:35am - Leave house, walk to train:

9:15am - Arrive at work. Sit at desk. (view out office window):

7:15ish pm: Leave office walk to Grand Central Station:

8:00pm - Arrive home. Watch CNN. Check email:
That's my typical day!! What's yours like?

Post Thanksgiving Wrap Up

I finally escaped family togetherness. I came to Chicago a day early (I fly back to NY tomorrow) to relax, reflect and blog! The friend I'm staying with had plans for tonight so I'm left in his beautiful, quiet house all to myself. An absolute perfect end to a crazy week.

Towards the end of the week I started to feel fussy and stifled. Friday I had a minor melt down, which was thankfully (mostly) averted with some major retail therapy on dad's credit card (with his permission). First of all my sis's bf was driving me crazy..and he wasn't even there! I fully acknowledge that my anoyance with him (and her) comes from jealousy. Not that I wish that I had their relationship, because I certainly don't, but that my little sister has a life experience that I've never had and know nothing about. I have no frame of reference at all, and I find it selfishly hard to witness her relationship. After listening to the beep beep beep of her keypad while she text messaged INCESSANTLY the entire week, I finally stole the phone and turned off the key beep, but it was only a minor reprieve. The straw that broke the camel's back was on Friday night when we were all sitting around the dining room table playing cards, we had only been sitting there a few hours at most and our house phone rang. It was sis's bf freaking out that she wasn't answering her cell. She had left it upstairs while we were playing cards and he had been texting/calling her and when she didn't answer he called my parents. I FLIPPED and completely lost it, which of course got me the same lecture I've been getting for years now that "I don't know anything about having a relationship, so I should shut up"..even my DAD said it this time...I still think it's insane to call someone 7 times and text message then 6 in 2 hours because they aren't responding, but apparently I know nothing....so I'll shut up.

Secondly, I realized that there is one major complication with my pending move back to Chicago....I will once again be under (semi)local scrutiny from my parents....from my wanting a pet to the kind of car I want to get are going to be ridiculed, questioned and criticized....and I've never been good at handling all that from them. I'm not sure I'm ready for my choices not to be my own again.....but I feel powerless to stand up to my parents and defend myself. It's a battle I know I will have to face eventually.

In other news...I got a call from a recruiter that saw my resume on hotjobs. It's a NY job, but they are looking for a legal asst with entertainment law background. I'll probably call the woman back and at least see what the job is and if the salary is higher that what I make now. I wasn't really looking for another NY job, but if the pay differential is enough I might consider it.....I'll keep you posted!

Happy Thanksgiving!

As usual I ate too much and had WAY too much family together time, but all in all it was a good Thanksgiving.

I'm currently thankful for, FINALLY having some alone time, my aunt's fabulous pecan pie, my puppy and did I mention ALONE TIME!!

Greetings from Illinois!

Back in IL...had a great weekend hanging out with friends in Chicago (and got some (hopefully) good photos. I got to meet Loki, the newest feline member of Seasons of the Heart's household...shopped on Michigan Avenue and had a FANTASTIC breakfast cooked for me! All in all a great trip so far!

Flying.....AGAIN

45 minutes until I head to the airport for the...8th? 9th? time this year. I'm flying out of a different airport though so I'm feeling a little travel fussy. For this airport I have to take a cab to Penn Station, a train to the airport, then the airtrain within the airport to get to the gate.....I think I'll feel better once I get to the airport and get settled. If all else fails I bought some cookies at Duane Reade so I can indulge myself with chocolate.

Keep your fingers crossed for no lost cameras and no delayed flights!!!!

Whoops!

HR at my current job stumbled across my resume on one of the general boards I posted it on and called me out on it! I hadn't told anyone I was looking, so I was mortified when he said something to me. I knew them finding it was a possibility and it was a risk I was willing to take, but I was thrown off by suddenly having to justify myself like that and explain my reasons for keeping my eyes open to the job market. A part of me understands that he has to look out for the company and be informed about potential employee departures, but part of me feels its my business. Oh well. I just hope that any slight mistake isn't now construed as me "checking out". I still come to work every day, work 40-60 hours a week, do work at home....Its not that I'm necessarily unhappy here (mean receptionist aside), it's simply that I want to see my options. Bleah....it was one awkward conversation to say the least!

In Happier News:

Grace (who is an organized goddess and did her xmas shopping early) sent me my Xmas present today, and since I clearly have no self control when it comes to opening presents, I opened it (she told me I could!) and I got Black Books Seasons 1 & 2! It's this British TV show that I LOVE, but wasn't released in an American DVD format. Well somehow she found it in the U.S. format and bought it for me! Yippeeeeee!!!!

Lost Wallet Trauma

Still no wallet, but it's NYC so I figure the chances of finding it are nil. Thankfully between last night and this morning I was able to cancel everything, and there was no unauthorized activity on any of my cards. Again in the thankfully I had my driver's license in my pocket, so I didn't lose that, so aside from inconvenience, a night's sleep lost and the $100 I took out of the ATM for my trip, it wasn't that bad. I am worried about flying on Friday, because I remember they usually like you to have the credit card you booked the flight with, and clearly I don't....but I think it's usually ok if you don't. It just means I probably can't use self check in, I'll have to go to a person. The bank said I could get a temporary ATM card until the new one comes, so I'm going to try to get that done today. Bleah......it sucks to have to deal with this the day before I leave, but it could have been SO much worse.

%^%$$^

I went out to a bar tonight and as I got on the train I realized my wallet was missing. I went back to the bar to find it, but it was gone. I'm 90% sure I lost it at the bar when I took my sweater out of my bag, but I searched and didn't find it, which means someone probably took it. Bleah. Now it's 1am and I'm calling credit card companies, the bank and my insurance trying to cancel everything...AND it means that I'll be traveling to Illinois in two days with NO credit cards or ATM card.....so if I happen to have an emergency I'm screwed. SIGH.

Cleaning Finds.....

After my payday realization of just how much debt I STILL have from my summer trip to London, I was feeling a little stressed and out of control. When I'm stressed, I clean. Here's what I found in just one of my desk drawers here at work:

An empty box of tissues
5 of those sugared orange slices, hard as rocks
14 packets of ketchup in various languages
35 Vitamin C drops
15 CDs
3 earpieces to phones/dictation machines/stereos I do not own
Stale crackers (which I ate for lunch)
1 packet of EZMac
1 container of dried cranberries from whole foods

Bleah....I was able to pay off a chunk of debt this month (hurrah for the extra pay period in the month of November!) but I still have a ways to go. The trip was more than worth it, but it's frustrating to have no savings. I'm supposed to be socking money away for moving/car, but at this rate I won't be able to start saving for at least 6 months- year. Keep your fingers crossed for a holiday bonus at work this year!

Today's Fabulous News:

AARON IS COMING HOME FROM IRAQ!

He emailed today to say that he should be home sometime in December! Since his elistment is up in April of 2007 he shouldn't have to go back and will be home for good!!!!

HUGE sighs of relief all around!

French Bread Recipe

Here's the french bread recipe I made last night. It turned out so good and is suprisingly easy, even for the "cooking challenged" like me! I can't find the blog I "borrowed" it from, so if this recipie is yours please let me know so I can give proper credit!

French Bread

1 pkg. or 1 tablespoon yeast
1 tablespoon sugar or honey
1 cup warm water(110-115 degrees)
2 tablespoons olive or vegetable oil
1 teaspoon salt
3-3 1/2 cups flour
1 egg, beaten
2 tablespoons milk

In a bowl, dissolve yeast and sugar in warm water. Add oil and salt and enough flour to make a stiff(a little sticky though) dough. Knead 10 minutes on a floured board.
Place in a greased bowl, turning once. Let rise until doubled, about 1 1/2 -2 hours. Punch down and let rest 15 minutes. Divide dough in half. Roll each half on a greased surface into a 15-inch long log. Place on greased cookie sheets sprinkled with cornmeal and make 5 slashes diagonally across tops.
Mix egg and milk and brush on top of loaves. Let rise until double, about 1 hour. Bake at 375 degrees for 25 minutes or until loaves are golden brown and sound hollow when tapped.

I made bread!

My french bread turned out great! It wasn't the prettiest loaf of bread, but it tasted great and was SO easy. I can't find the link to the recipe, but I'll type it out and post it when I get home tonight. Hurrah for domesticity!

***Super came and fixed the sink yesterday, so no more wet socks. Hurrah! I still have a wet, kinda smelly cabinet though....I'm not sure what to do about that, but at least the leak has stopped.

***My first attempt at bread from scratch is currently rising in its bowl.....it was suprisingly easy (so far) and if it comes out good, I'm definitely making my own bread from now on.

***saw a cute boy at the laundrymat this morning...he was doing his laundry wearing a SUIT....can't tell if he hadn't changed post-church or was just REALLY desperate for clean clothes. Of course, thinking nobody would be at the laundrymat so early on a Sunday, I wore my rattiest clothes, threw my hair in a ponytail and hadn't showered, so I spent the entire time hiding behind the row of dryers so cute boy wouldn't see me.....sigh.

Reason #10506847 why being single sucks

As I stepped into the kitchen this morning to make coffee, I noticed an odd "squish". Upon turning on the light I noticed my kitchen floor was flooded. I opened up the cabinet under the sink and sure enough, it was leaking. NOT what I wanted to deal with first thing in the morning (and more importantly how was I going to make coffee if I couldn't run the water!!!!). I soaked up the floor with some old towels, but the pipes are too close to the bottom of the cabinet to get a bucket under so I'm not sure what to do. I left messages for my Super, but haven't heard back yet. I sit here now coffee-less, with wet socks and a wet kitchen floor. Bleah.

Just another Friday night here at the house of Kai. For those of you who don't know my obsessive ritual, Friday night is pizza and cleaning night. I come home from the gym, have pizza and stay up all night cleaning my apartment. I go to bed when the sun comes up and sleep until early afternoon. Not the most exciting of rituals, but it works for me.

No plans for the weekend really. I found a french bread recipie I want to try, so I'll probably make that at some point. My friend Hil from work might come watch the football games with me on Sunday, but aside from that I'm just kicking back and being lazy this weekend.

6 days until I go back (yet again) to IL! Hurrah for another 2,000 frequent flyer miles.

Adventures in cooking part 3

Tonight I made..Egg rolls! I cheated a LOT and used prepackaged ingredients, but they still turned out well! See below for the recipie I used:

1 bag of prepackaged coleslaw mix
1/2 cup (or to taste) soy ginger marinade
*you can also add finely chopped cooked chicken or meat of your choice
Egg roll wrappers
olive oil

Cook packaged coleslaw in skillet with marinade until heated through. Remove from heat. Spoon mixture onto egg roll wrappers and roll up (directions are usually on the package). You can deep fry them, but I brushed mine with olive oil and baked them in the oven for 20 min, then broiled them for a few more min to get them crispy on the outside. Yum!

Things I want to accomplish before I die

Have a dog
Own a car
Snowboard
Experience love
Own my own home
Learn another language
Lose 30 lbs
Eat dinner in a restaurant alone
Redecorate my bedroom
Do a mosaic with the glassware I got when my grandmother died
Sell one of my photographs
Bake bread from scratch not using a breadmaker
Learn Photoshop
Learn to rollerblade/ice-skate backwards
Keep a wine journal
Learn how to start a fire in a fireplace
Eat a fancy meal that costs more than $150
Live in New York

Places to Visit:
New Mexico
Toronto (want to go again)
Seattle
London
Paris
Thailand
New Zealand

A Break from Election Coverage....

to post about cute boys. I work quite a bit of overtime in my job and don't always leave work at the same time every day. However, on the days I leave at 6:30 I see a very cute boy on the subway platform. We ride the 6 train uptown and then both switch to the 7 train at Grand Central, so we get about 20 minutes of train ride/platform waiting together.....he's always got headphones on (as do I) so I can't really approach him at all. He's just my 6:30pm subway crush......

If you're the cute asian guy with the black coat, silver earing and blue bookbag on 28th street.....my name is Kai...and I think you are HOT! LOL

Buh Bye!

Rums is gone, Montana went Democrat and there's still hope for Virginia! What a day! It's been a long time since I felt optimistic post-election day!

Democrats have the House! I'm not too optimistic about the Senate, but I'm still glued to CNN, have one computer screen showing the CNN.com election map and one screen showing the New York Times election map.

I had one hell of a time voting this morning. Despite moving over 18 months ago, having a photo ID with my current address on it AND registering my new address with the Board of Elections AND showing the confirmation letter I received from the Board saying I had successfully changed my address, I was accused by some VERY RUDE poll workers of not having updated my address properly and was denied the ability to vote. After pleading my case I was finally shoved a paper ballot (yet not given any instructions or guidance) and told I could vote by paper. Ugh. I heard Chelsea Clinton had a similar experience today.....so at least I wasn't alone in my voting angst. Anyone else have voting trauma today?

Happy Midterm Election Day!

VOTE!

Here's a fantastic website that will give you a sample ballot and info on the candidates and offices!

http://www.vote-usa.org/

Couples.

Returning home from the gym on Saturday night, I was very aware it was "date night". Pairs of people both young and old filled the streets and trains. Being part of a couple is a completely foreign concept to me. I see people walking hand in hand through the streets of NY, people cuddling on the subway, good bye kisses exchanged and wonder what it's like to go through life with someone. I fully acknowledge that it's work to be in a relationship and that it's not all laughs and kisses, but as someone who is most likely single for life, love is an amazement to me. I've loved people, but never experienced love in return. Most of my "relationships" (I'm using that term VERY loosely) have been of the "friends with benefits"or the "lets hook-up, but not tell anyone" varieties. The number of times in my life I've been the "secret friend" is astounding, and I fully acknowledge it's nobody's fault but my own. I don't assert myself or make my feelings known because I know how it will play out. As I've been told many many times before, I'm not the kind of girl men have real relationships with. I'm the layover girl. The one to hang out with until the prettier, smarter, skinnier girls free up. I'm kept a secret because to know about me would kill a guy's "game" and make him look "taken". I know it's the niche I created for myself, I just feel powerless to stand up and want more because, like most, I fear the certainty of rejection. The few times I've asked people out, I've been turned down in the most astounding and cruel ways. In fact I'm not sure I've ever asked a guy out and had him say yes. (The exception being the guy who said "yes! ha just kidding, like I'd go out with YOU"). I wish I had it in me to walk away and say f*ck you to the losers in life. I wish I could stand up to the date from hell and make him FINALLY go away. I wish I thought I was good enough to be with someone. I accept that I'm fiercely independent and that I need a LOT of personal space and maybe that means I'll be single forever. I'm inclined to think so, but I learned long ago to never say never. I just wish I knew what the alternative was like.....what its like to play and fight and sleep with someone who loves you.....what it's like to be introduced as someone's girlfriend, instead of shoved under the table so nobody sees you. I wonder what it's like to hear the words and what it's like to say them when they have meaning.

Never say never and never say forever.

REVIEW: Minsan Pa

I came across this Filipino movie at my local library. It's subtitled in English, though even with my somewhat limited knowledge of Tagalog, I could tell it was not translating exactly what they were saying. The English text was merely a "gist" of the dialogue. For me it was somewhat distracting, even though overall I really enjoyed this movie.

Minsan Pa translates to One Moment More. It's the story of a 20 something man (a very HOT 20 something man I might add) who is forced to take care of his family when his father leaves them to be with his mistress. Jerry works as a tour guide in Cebu to earn money to support his mother and siblings and in his work he observes love and attraction in its many forms, forcing him to deal with his own thoughts about marriage and love. The ending is very weak, but the message is still clear and I recommend it to anyone who enjoys foreign movies.

And I thought MY date who wouldn't go away was bad...

**update on the date who won't go away he STILL calls on Friday and Saturday nights around 6pm to ask if I want to hang out that night. Seriously....like dont call me an HOUR before you want to meet up! It's too bad, because he's so cute and started out as a really nice guy, but he's clearly just looking for a hook up and I'm not interested. Ah well.....anyway.

A friend forwarded this link to me and I HAD to share...my date looks like a catch compared to what this woman had to deal with......enjoy!

I'm about to head off to the gym for the THIRD time this week! Go me!

It's Posting Month...

So apparently November is blog month and we're supposed to blog every day, so I thought I'd see how long I can go. Sorry in advance for the boring posts.

Today's posts will be about dog names. After I secure a job in Chicago (and get an apartment and get a car) I want to finally get a dog, and I've been thinking about what I'd want to name it. I was hoping to name it something connected to New York, but I haven't really come up with anything I like...here's what I got so far (in no particular order):

Madison (because I work on Madison Avenue)
Brooklyn
Manhattan (too long I think)
York
Verlaine (place I hang out in NY)
Macy
Hudson
Shea (after the Mets stadium)

I'm not in love with any of the names....I think Brooklyn is my fav, though it might be too long...maybe Madison? Anyone have any other suggestions?

Firsts

Some fun Firsts!

1. Who was your first prom date?
The Taco Bell guy.....

2. Who was your first roommate?
Erin

3. What alcoholic beverage did you first drink?
Screwdriver

4. What was your first job?
Event stagehand

5. What was your first car?
Mercury Tracer

6. When did you go to your first funeral?
Very young...I think when my parents handyman died.

7. Where was your first kiss?
High School band room....

8. Who was your first grade teacher?
No idea. Maybe Ms. Anderson

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
New York

10. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with and how old were you?
High School...I think I was 17

11. Who was your first best friend and are you still friends with them?
Kylene! We met in Preschool I think and we just found eachother recently on myspace!

12. Where was your first sleepover?
Kylene's probably lol

13. Who is the first person you talk to in the morning?
My boss

14. Whose wedding were you in the first time?
Beth and Erics

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Turn on the news

16. What was the first concert you ever went to?
Alter Bridge

17. First tattoo or piercing?
none

18. First celebrity crush?
Jason Bateman (hangs head in shame)

19. First crush?
Tom Hurlburt

20. When was your first detention?
I don't think I had any....

I suck!

Already I've fallen behind in my job hunt. My goal was to apply for something (hopefully more than 1 something) every day, but alas last night I went out with a friend instead of going home to work on applications. I found 3 great jobs to apply for too and there they sit in my inbox, just waiting for cover letters to be written. I suppose 1 night off isn't the end of the world, tonight I'll hopefully get back on track, apply for the 3 I found yesterday and will hopefully find more. I worry that job hunting from a distance will be impossible....I've considered changing the address on my resume to an IL address...but I feel that's kind of shady and I don't like being dishonest on a resume. I'm totally willing to pay for the cost of plane tickets to interviews and for relocation costs, so it's frustrating if my address is what limits me. Oh well. I suppose we'll try it the honest way for awhile and see if I get any interviews. Some of the resumes I've seen come through my current job have gone the "permenent address, temporary address" route...maybe I'll try that.


sigh. this sucks.

Randomness

**Enough with the Midterm election coverage of bad jokes and explicit two sentence passages in books people wrote 20+ years ago!! I hate the last week before elections...Politicians treat the voters like all we read is People magazine.

**Had to ride in the elevator this morning listening to my fellow elevator patrons discus the Pagan evils of Halloween. Thankfully I work on the 8th floor so the trip was short.

**speaking of Halloween....last night I rode the subway with a fairy, frog, and a group of 4 kids that were either dressed as punks or dressed normally.....It's NY...it's hard to tell sometimes.

Gym Motivation

I went to the gym for the first time in a LONG while today. In the few weeks (ok ok months) I have been away a whole new mass of HOT HOT HOT Asian men have joined! I nearly fell off the treadmill when this guy with freaking amazing arms got on the elliptical machine across from me. I even ran 1/2 mile farther than usual because I was distracted and not looking at the display. I'm seriously considering getting a video ipod and playing a Jet Li movie while working out. I'd get skinnier than Nicole Ritchie.

Applied for job #1 today. It reminded me how much this whole cover letter, resume, interview process SUCKS. Ugh.

My baked ziti came out REALLY good! The cheese got all nice and brown on top and it tasted SO good! First Chinese, now Italian! What cuisine should I attempt next??!

Adventures in cooking Part 2

After last week's success with Fried Rice, I decided to attempt another cooking feat. Baked Ziti! With the weather getting colder I wanted to make something I could freeze and eat as leftovers all winter and thought it seemed easier than lasagna. I even strayed from the recipie and added some frozen (but thawed) spinach into it just to make it a bit more healthy. It's currently baking and browning in the oven so wish me luck!!!

Hmmm....anyone know if that whole E-coli spinach thing is over?

Thoughts from a Job Hunt....

I'm back on the market. The job market that is. I've been casually looking for a new job either in NY or IL, and the more I think about the kind of life I could have, I'm definitely leaning more towards focusing on the IL market, though I'm still actively looking here in NY as well. In IL I could have a car again, I could FINALLY get the dog I've always wanted, be closer to my ailing parents, have a rent that wasn't 60% of my monthly income, have space....it's all so tempting. When it comes down to it though, I'll have to go where the job is, so out go the resumes and cover letters and a hope for something better.

Wish me luck....I'm gonna need it.

Standing Update

Had my meeting with HR and was basically told "there is nothing you can do about it". Ugh. So for 8-12 hours a day I have to be in an environment where someone is rude, manipulative and evil. Ugh.

On the upside she seems to have taken to completely ignoring me now. She has blocked me from our inter-company IM program and when I had to ask her a work-related question yesterday in person, she refused to respond to me. She sat at her desk looking at me and would not say a word to me at all.

Guess its time to job hunt....

Standing Down

Update: My meeting with HR got postponed...I guess standing up will have to wait.

Standing Up.

I've been having problems with one of my coworkers for a while now and lately it has escalated to the point where she prevents me from doing my job. I'm tired of being emotionally abused at work, so I've decided to go to HR and ask for assistance in how to better communicate with her. When I made the appointment whith HR I was confident, but now that I'm home and reflecting back on it I've lost my confidence and I'm afraid of coming off as whiny and like I'm not a team player. I'm going to try to emphasize the "productivity loss" and less the "makes me feel like crap", but I'm still afraid its going to come off as a petty female jealousy (she's very attractive and well-liked with the men in the office). I want to back out and let it go, but I really AM at my breaking point and feel as though I can't continue working in a place where I'm treated disrespectfully every day. Ugh....wish me luck

Day 2

of going to bed before 10pm. Of course both nights were sleeping pill induced, but still it has been nice to get good quality sleep for once. I'm beginning to think I'm not sick, but just depressed. My weekend upstate couldn't come at a better time. A few days of quiet and photography are just what I need right now. This weekend can't come soon enough!

Lots of Nothing.....

Nothing much going on in the life of K these days. Just some random bullets of randomness to tide you over....

*I really want to go out and take photos, but I've been so unmotivated lately. NY doesn't really have a good Fall season like the Midwest, so I haven't gotten any good outdoor photos lately. I'm going upstate to my cousin's next weekend so perhaps there will be some photo potential up there.

*Upstairs neighbor boy is clearly watching a sporting endeavor of some sort. He keeps pounding/jumping up and down and yelling. It seems to be loosely related to the Cowboys/Giants game I have on so I'm guessing that he's watching that. Can't decide if this is better or worse than the fighting with his gf/headboard banging I usually endure.

*Going home to IL to see friends, family and my puppy in 25 days! VERY excited.

*I think I'm getting sick. I'm seriously considering digging out the Nyquill and having a good knock out sleep.

*Had a fantastic dinner of my favorite biscuits and those soymeat sausage patties. Put two patties and two biscuits in the toaster over for 15 minutes and that's it! Quick, easy and no dishes. That's my kind of cooking!

*Speaking of cooking, I made my first attempt at chicken fried rice last night and it was GOOD! I'm so proud of myself. My first cooking success! A co-worker came over for dinner and loved it too (though I had a moment of panic this morning when I realized she wasn't at work today....I seriously thought I had killed her with my cooking! I text messaged her to make sure she was alive. She was.)

Ok off to bed (at 9!). Hopefully one good night's rest will cure me. I LOVE Nyquill sleep!

They make it look so easy in the movies....

Picture it. A NYC gal trotting through the streets of Manhattan with her handbag over her shoulder, coffee in one hand and shopping bags in the other. She effortlessly makes her way through the crowds and traffic and arrives home no coffee spilt and hair in tact....and she did it in heels no less.

And then there's me.

After days of holding my drycleaning hostage (damn inconvenient NYC dry cleaner hours!), I finally was able to retrieve my clothes from the cleaners tonight. Unfortunately today was also the day the clothes I ordered online arrived, meaning I had to make my way home with not only my dry cleaning, but also a rather large JCrew box as well as my purse. During rush hour. In the rain. (Irony of ironies...my dry cleaning consisted of my raincoat). As I fought my way through the turnstile, the hanger of my coat got stuck on one of the bars, flinging me and the box through the turnstile, and leaving the drycleaning hanging on the other side of the turnstile mocking me. Thankfully one of the policeman patrolling the station had seen my very smooth maneuver and passed my drycleaning through to me. I managed to make it on to the train without further incident, aside from accidentally stabbing a fellow train passenger with my coat hanger when I sat down. When I finally made my way to my stop and got off the train I remembered that my stop doesn't have regular turnstiles. It only has the revolving door ones which are impossible to get through when you don't have a free hand to push them with. I managed to go in sideways pushing the bars with my shoulder with my dry cleaning draped over my arm. Until the coat hanger once again got stuck on the bars and since it was rush hour and people were streaming through the exit, my coat went round and round until I was finally able to rescue it. FINALLY I make it home and step into the elevator only to find it has JUST been painted and the walls are still wet, so I stand very still being extra careful not to let anything touch the walls...and then the elevator stops and my floor and I remember that you have to push the door open, it's not one of the ones that open automatically. I manage to get a hand free to touch the faceplate of the door and swing it open and run out (though not without stabbing myself with the coat hanger) and make it to my door. As I throw the drycleaning down on the couch and my purse on the table. It hits me. I could have just WORN THE COAT HOME.

Stylish NYC gal trotting through the streets of Manhattan. I think not.

I am SO disappointed!

I must confess I am a bit of a Project Runway addict. Not a huge fan of most reality shows (except the Apprentice), PR is one of the best out there. They pick talented designers and though there is some trash talking and drama, it's not the premise of the entire show, they really do focus on the designs. After watching last night's finale though, I was extremely disappointed. Jeffrey, the absolute jerk who treated another contestant's mother horribly, and who went over budget with his final collection, WON the competition. Just goes to show rule breaking and being disrespectful is what gets you ahead in this world. I truly felt sick when the called his name. I guess in the end being talented and creative makes up for being an ass, at least in the fashion world.

Hmm...just like being hot makes up for being an ass in the dating world come to think of it.

Lesson Learned: You can be an ass if you are attractive or if you have skill.....at least if you are a man anyway.

2%!

I heard an astounding statistic this morning. Apparently, only 2% of women think they are beautiful. 2%!! (Source:Dove Global Study: The Truth About Beauty (pdf)) Can this number really be that low?? I mean I'm certainly guilty of never feeling attractive, but I guess I assumed that the millions of attractive women I see on the streets of NY daily thought THEY were. As a teen I never bought into the "I have to look like the women in the magazines" mentality. I didn't seek to emulate characters on TV or feel pressure to look and act like them. I don't recall consciously relating to celebrities or looking to them as role models in any way. My own insecurities came from my peers. Throughout my entire childhood I can remember being mocked or ostracized by the kids at school. In junior high when other kids starting doing the pre-teen version of "dating", guys took no interest in me (a trend that continues into my 20s), even going so far as to tease me by asking me out, waiting until I said yes and then saying "Just kidding...Loser". In high school I mustered up all my courage to ask a guy to Prom and before I could even get the words out, he said "I heard what you were going to ask me, and you are a fool to think I'd go to prom with you". It wasn't just the guys either, In junior high I was (or so I thought) part of the "in" group of girls, we ate lunch together, I got invited to all their parties, I invited them to my own house, until one day I overheard them talking about how I was the "joke" friend. They were friends with me to get information about me and my life and then spread it around school for everyone to mock. I learned very early on not to trust people and that I wasn't desirable, not only physically but emotionally as well. I never felt beautiful because I never felt wanted. Why we choose other people as our "beauty" yardstick eludes me, yet we all do it. Beauty is measured by women in magazines, actors on TV, men we'd like to date, our peers, our enemies, even our family. It's less about how we feel and more about how close we come to the 5'10 110 lb standard. In a world of 300 million why is the measure of beauty based on 6 supermodels?

I wonder if the alpha junior high girls are part of the 2%.

Love it Love it Love it

As a single person who is culinarily challenged, I am constantly dissapointed by the portion sizes of food in the grocery store. I'd love to buy those bags of salad (minus e-coli of course), but I'd have to eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner to finish the bag off before it spoils. The giant boxes of cereal go stale long before I can finish them off, even in airtight containers. Bricks of cheese turn funny colors before I can make my way through it. The grocery store is anti-single cook, so when I saw this I fell in love. Biscuits packaged in twos! No more scary tubes that pop when you open them forcing you to make 10 biscuits at a time. Hurrah!!

How I make coffee.

1. Clean counter off.
2. Fill coffee pot with water.
3. Spill water on counter while filling reservoir.
4. Clean Counter.
5. Put filter in, add coffee grounds.
6. Spill coffee grounds on counter.
7. Clean counter.
8. Wait for coffee to percolate. Spill coffee on counter while pouring into mug.
9. Clean counter.

Now I know why Starbucks charges so much.

You know it's bad when.....

you get home so late/early that you can't figure out why the lighting outside the train looks so strange and then it dawns on you..the weird lighting is actually the sun rising.

Bonus points for anyone who caught the "dawn" pun.

The sounds of Fall.....

The temperature is dropping, the leaves are dropping. The air has a crisp feel to it. I can dig my cute coats out of the closet. I love Fall.

However;

This cooling off also means they turn on the heat in my apartment, which includes an extremely loud banging/hissing from the radiator in my bedroom. Every night without fail I am startled awake by the sounds. My heart pounds and I leap towards the baseball bat I keep by my bed (hey it's NYC and I live alone!) before realizing the clanking is not a burglar coming to steal my extensive collection of books and Target furniture, but just the sound of the radiator expelling heat. Googling the issue has turned up nothing useful. It's going to be a LOOOONG winter...sigh.

Date that keeps on getting worse AGAIN

Friday. 9pm. 1 week after our last pleasant encounter. Text message from the date from hell:

"Thank god its friday...it was a rough week for me..u?"

Why yes it WAS a rough week for me. Some guy was an absolute JERK to me and kept calling and harassing me because I didn't want to sleep with him on the FIRST DATE. Ugh.

I have a bad case of the "i'll never haves"

Sometimes I find myself stuck in the "i'll never have....". My mind races through all the little things and scenarios of life I feel I'll never experience. Practically I know it's stupid and I should "never say never", but it doesn't stop my mind and heart from temporarily losing myself in being sad.

I'll never have a child. I'll never own a home. I'll never know what its like to sleep with someone who loves me. I'll never have a job doing something I love. I'll never have a boyfriend....the list of nevers, never ends.

I know that everything on my list is a luxury, that I can only wish for those things because I have so much else in my life that is stable and my needs are more than met. It doesn't make me want them any less though. I yearn to experience a good love once in my life. My one experience loving someone was ugly, partly because he never loved me back and partly because he never respected my feeling and manipulated it to fulfill his own needs. I've never loved someone who loved me back. I have no concept of what it's like, and I fear the absence of it has made me cold to the world.

I was looking through my memory box the other night, and came across this card someone gave me for my last birthday. I don't think I had read it fully when my friend had given it to me and I was struck deeply by the words:

Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. delicious ambiguity....

So true and so hard to accept. I'm going to try though..there's beauty in the ambiguity...I just have to find it.

Enough already!

Could we stop with the planes crashing into NYC buildings please?!

Stupid x 2

Had another day off today. Spent it talking online for 6+ hours to Chicago boy again.

Will I ever get over him?

I am in DIRE need of french fries....

I have tried many remedies for a hangover....water, Advil, gatorade, m&ms, but nothing works for me except french fries. They have mystical healing powers and I'm in desperate need for a big plate of them right now.

Went to an AMAZING concert for work last night. Most of the concerts I have to attend for work are small venues or clubs, but when our biggest artist played in NY last night, we all got to attend the show (with VIP seating I might add!) and it was amazing. I noticed a cute guy in a blue shirt in our section that I didn't recognize, so I did some major asking around and managed to find out he was a guest of someone in our digital distribution department. I managed to get him an invite to an after-party I attended and ended up chatting him up all night. Unfortunately he is from LA and was only in NY for 24 hours. Sigh. We exchanged some emails this morning, but after the perfunctory "nice meeting you, have a safe trip back to LA", "great meeting you too, I enjoyed the concert and having drinks with you" exchange I'm not sure what else I can say. Oh well...it was nice to chat up a cute boy for a few hours....makes the hangover slightly more bearable.

Apartment 4A Curse Redux

I thought that when the volatile couple upstairs broke up and moved out, it would be the end of my days listening to tempers (and headboards) clash all night, but alas the curse of apartment 4A continues. From the hours of 11pm to nearly 4am the new couple who now live above me screamed at eachother incessantly, once again keeping me awake. Though this couple is far less amorous (or they have a better quality bed with minimal squeaking/no headboard), they add a bilingual flair to their hostilities and definitely have the competitive edge over couple #1. I know I could call the police, or complain to the super, but I've been in their shoes and I know that sometimes you just have to get the emotions out. If I thought she (or even he) were in any danger, I of course would do something, but I've been there enough to recognize the inflections of argument, even in another language, and though lengthy, this was nothing more than a heated discussion. I hope for their sake (and for mine!) that whatever it was they got it out of their system and there won't be repeat performance tonight.

I wonder if I should warn them of the curse....perhaps a belated housewarming gift of sage to exorcise the demons?

The date that keeps on getting worse...

I met a guy online a few months ago through Craigslist. I had posted something about looking for people to hang out with and he responded. We emailed back and forth for months before he said that even though he’s really apprehensive about meeting people online, he wanted to meet up. He suggested Friday after work…at 10:30pm! Even though it was totally a “I’m not committing to dinner until I see how hot you are” time, I agreed and we met up at a bar near work (I picked there because it was a place I was sure to know someone and the bartenders recognize me. I figured it was a safe place to meet up). We had a few drinks and the conversation was intelligent, yet still flirty. We stayed out pretty late and we finally left when the bar closed. As I started to walk to my train, he held my hand. Even though his train was in the opposite direction, I thought he was just being a gentlemen and walking me to the subway since it was like 3:30am. Once we got to the train I turned to say goodbye and he starts in on how he’s felt this “connection” and he wants to come home with me! I told him that I was sorry if I had given off the impression that I was that kind of girl, but that I do not take people I just met into my home. I thanked him for a nice evening and said goodbye. He kept yammering on about how we were both adults and how he didn’t see what the problem was. There weren’t many people around, so I decided to walk another 10 blocks to Grand Central where there was more likely to be other people around. He wasn’t being forceful in any way and I wasn’t scared, but I thought it best to try to walk to a more crowded location in case he got even more argumentative. By the time we got there it was nearing 4am and I just wanted to get home. I told him again very clearly that I was NOT bringing a stranger into my house and he kissed me goodbye and went on his way. I chalked his behavior up to typical tipsy horniness and still hoped to hear from him the next day.

He text messaged me a few times the next afternoon, mostly baseball trash talk since I’m a Mets fan and he’s a Yankees. It was cute though…he said he was coming back into the city that night (he lives on Long Island) for a party. I told him to have fun and that I’d be home watching the Mets game. That night (technically this morning) at 4:40AM my phone rings and it’s him, telling me he wants to come over. After telling him he was insane, that a guy who respects a woman does NOT call her up for a 5am booty call, he got mad saying he didn’t know why I was playing hard to get. After getting mad, I abruptly got off the phone and told him to go home. About 15 minutes later I get this text message “thanks for making me miss my train. I don’t know why u r playing these mind games”. I was IRATE. I resisted the urge to call him back and tell him off and shut my phone off and tried to go back to sleep.

I REALLY want to send him an email today telling him off, but I wonder if I should just let it go and quit taking his calls. I am so upset….his text message really pissed me off and I want to let him know. What do you guys think, should I tell him off or let it go?

Seriously, are there ANY men out there who respect women anymore??

UPDATE: I just got this text message: "my apologies for the 4am call...i was drunk and did not realize it was inappropriate"

I wish they knew.

I'm surrounded by many people who have been lucky in love. 90% of my friends married within a few years of leaving college, and a good portion of those met their partners in high school (and in some cases junior high!). My sister, though only 20 years old as of yesterday, had bf #2 stick and it looks like they'll get married after graduation as well. I know its a hard path to take and that it takes work, especially when you are so young, but so far all the marriages in my circle of friends have stuck and I wish them all many many years of happiness. I just wish my parents hadn't given up on me. Though my parents think my sister should wait to get married, my mom can't help chatting with my sister about wedding ideas, and my dad can barely contain his desire for grandchildren. They've both said to my sister that the pressure is on her since clearly she'll be the only one taking that path and fulfilling their dreams. I take at least part of the blame. I act like I don't care, that I'm indifferent to marriage and children. I joke about men not being interested and say I'm too much of a clean freak to have kids, but I'd gladly give up my Swiffer to have a family someday. I know that I've given up hope on me, but it hurts that much more to know that they've given up hope on me as well. I know I've been a constant disappointment to my parents....they never quite understood my path and view on life. I know you aren't supposed to care what they think, but I do. I was given up at birth and they took me in, gave me and my sister a very privileged life....I guess part of me feels like I should be more grateful and should show it by making them proud. It's never been something I've been able to do though and I'm not sure I ever will. At least my sister followed the "normal" path for them. She got it right....why can't I?

Bad things happen in 3s.

I can't imagine what it's like to have a child in school right now. 3 shootings in the span of a week, and in areas of the country you would least expect. When I was in high school, just 10 years ago, the thought of shootings and metal detectors was foreign. We had a uniformed cop who walked the halls, but I don't remember ever have a sense of fear aligned with going to class every day. If anything, I would probably have been voted most likely to be the one doing the shooting. My school years from preschool on were riddled with ridicule and incessant emotional abuse of sorts from my peers. The thought of retaliation of any kind never crossed my mind at all though and certainly not violence of any kind. It's a scary world we live in now, maybe it was always a scary world we lived in and now we are just more aware of it. I can't imagine what it will be like in another 10 years......

I'm not going....

I cancelled my interview tomorrow. I felt it just wasn't worth giving up my nights and weekends for $7 an hour. I'm still taking tomorrow off though....I'm watching the L&O SVU marathan tonight (well technically its morning) and sleeping in. I have personal and vacation days to burn so I might as well enjoy them!

Neighbors

Before my post on neighbors, I first want to say that I'm currently sucking so bad in the weekly football pool this week I may be kicked out of the running due to complete suckage.....

Yesterday while wielding the MANY boxes of to-be-assembled IKEA furniture up the stairs of my friend's new apartment building, we met two of her neighbors. In the first 30 seconds of being there we met her neighbors. I've lived in my apartment for two years and have only heard the amorous sounds of my (apparently talented) upstairs neighbor and his latest conquest. I've never spoken to any of my neighbors, I don't know their names, occupations or even what they look like. I have a cordial relationship with the contraband cat across the way who sits in the window that looks into my living room, but that's it. No I take that back, during the blackout I met the drunk Irish guy who lives in the building, but apparently in his sober moments he doesn't remember me, since the other morning when I left for work I passed him and he completely ignored me, so I'm gonna say that doesn't count. I would love to know at least the people who live on my floor, but I'm not the type of person to go knocking on doors introducing myself. I guess my building is just the anti-social, loud sex having, cat hiding haven of NYC.

Yum!

I felt like "cooking" dessert tonight, but since it's currently "The Grapes of Wrath" in my apartment I couldn't decide what to make. Flipping through my recipie book I came across something I tore out of Real Simple magazine. Raspberry Smores! Graham crackers, marshmallow, raspberries and chocolate! Pile it up, stick in the toaster oven on the broil setting and enjoy! It was heaven! I highly recommend for a quick sweet treat!

I helped a friend move to Queens from Long Island today. Driving down the roads in LI always makes me miss Illinois. Being in a car, surrounded by nature...it's very similar to the suburbs of Chicago. I miss having a car so much.....I drove a bit today and it felt so nice. Once I pay off this debt I really need to start saving for car....and for moving....I wish all that didn't seem so far away. In the meantime I'll be here eating raspbery smores.

Behold the Glory of the VCR

FINALLY I've mastered the VCR/cable box mystery and got the Greg Behrendt show to record. It's a little trashier than I was hoping.....he tries too hard sometimes to be Maury Povich circa 1999. I feel they really missed the mark with this show. First of all, it shouldn't be a daytime show. Single people aren't home to watch this at 9am on a weekday. Secondly, the traditional talk show format doesn't work for the type of information he is trying to present. This should be an evening show where he is in a different setting each week. One week he could be giving advice on approaching someone in a bar, another week he could be giving tips on how to get the most from speed dating. An evening show with a variety of practical advice in everyday situations would appeal to a wider audience and be much more engaging than this. I'll probably still watch his show for the information, but skip the topics that are trashy and overdone.

At this point I would do anything to get a decent date.....

A case of the fussies...and it's contagious.....

It seems that everyone has a case of the fussies around here lately. I hate that I'm jumping into the pool of fuss too, but I can't help but get sucked in. I'm not sleeping well at all (despite the FABULOUS new down comforter I bought at Ikea last week). I've been plagued with sleep issues since I was 15, but lately I've had a whole new set of problems. I seem to be having stress dreams....bizarre replays of events of the previous day that I play out in a variety of different endings. I'm not getting restful sleep at all, my mind continues to race, and it's been going on for weeks. If this keeps up I'm breaking out the Nyquill for some good quality Nyquill knock out sleep. I LOVE that stuff.

In other news, I got an interview for that $7 an hour intern job. Of course he wants to do it during a WORK day, when I specifically said I couldn't do, which is irritating, but I said yes and I'm taking a 1/2 day off work for it. For $7 an hour.....it's so frustrating. On the one hand I feel like it's good experience since I want to get back into the event planning work after a two year hiatus, but on the other hand I'm not sure if I can work 7 days a week, potentially 60-70 hours a week. I'm already working 50 here and this would be on top of that on the nights and weekends. I'm trying to earn extra money, but at most it's a couple hundred dollars a month, so I'm not sure it's really worth it. Plus I'm wasting a half personal day just to interview, and how much is being an event intern really going to help my resume?? Ugh....I hate job hunting....

Monday Night Football

As a member of our office football pool, I have a financial interest in tonight’s Saints/Falcons game, yet my pick (the Saints) for this game was an emotional one. I truly want them to win their first game at home since Katrina. As I watch the pre-game spectacle I can’t help but recall the images of the Superdome that were played over and over again on CNN after the hurricane. I thought that watching tonight’s game would be empowering. That it would be a statement of survival and momentum, but instead I felt a completely different set of emotions. I felt anger. This location was the site of death and incredible sadness and to see it now be a site of celebration is sickening. I’m still hoping for a Saints win, but I don’t think I can watch 22 multi-millionaires play a game, and cheerleaders and fans cheer on a field that was not so long ago the site of innumerable, horrific facets of the human condition.

Life v.2.2

"There's no reason we should spend so much time pining for another version of our lives. "

A co-worker of mine said that today in a discussion we were having about loneliness. The words really resonated with me. It seems like "growing up" means always waiting for the next version of life to begin. From wanting to be "a big girl" when we are toddlers, to waiting to get our driver's license, waiting to be 21, waiting to graduate college, waiting to get a job, waiting to get married, waiting to have children....everything is about the "next" and not about the now. What scares me about being in my late 20s is that I feel like I'm growing farther away from what I want from life. Actually what scares me is that I have no control over the things I want. After college, the milestones of life aren't controllable or certain. I knew that I would learn to drive, that eventually I would turn 21, that if I worked hard enough and studied diligently I would graduate college, now I no longer "know" if I will hit the next stages of life. I don't know if I will meet someone, I don't know if I will ever have a family. The "nexts" in life are not as certain as they once were. Statistically as I get older, the likelihood of marrying dwindles significantly; physically, my ability to bear children without an increased likelihood of complications decreases; and mentally, my openness to change of routine and solitary habits diminishes, as does my hope. My co-worker has a point though. Waiting for possibility causes stagnation and a narrow view of the definition of what "a good life" is. People always say that after someone dies, "she had a good life", but what does that mean exactly? They followed a formula? education + job + marriage + kids = peaceful death?? What does education - minor academic detour + job + moving across the country for fun + job in completely unrelated field + owning a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You" equal?

A Compliment from an Unlikely Source.....

My apartment building brings in an exterminator once a month. Today was Exterminator Saturday and it wasn't the regular guy we normally have. As the new guy was leaving after he did his thing throughout the apartment, he turned to me and said he really liked my apartment! What a great compliment...I mean this guy goes through apartments all day long, so it was pretty cool he liked mine. It always makes me very proud when people compliment my space....it's filled with books and my photographs and everything in here I either painted, stained or made and it's very "me". So thanks to the NYC exterminator for totally making my day!

It's SO dissapointing

When you get home all excited because you taped the new talk show by that guy who wrote "He's just not that into you" and you hit rewind on the VCR and patiently wait sitting in your PJs with a bowl of popcorn and hit "play".....and realize you've recorded 1 hour of blank screen because you forgot to leave the cable box turned on while the VCR was recording.

I REALLY need Tivo.

It's come to this...

I applied for a second job today. A$7 an hour job as an intern....and I'm 27 years old. I just can't seem to get out of this debt from London and I don't make enough at my current job to make ends meet and get my head above water, so I'm forced to work nights and weekends at least for awhile. The problem is there aren't many jobs that are that flexible that only want someone who is available after 6pm on weeknights and on the weekends. I'm doubtful I'll find anything, but I've got to start looking. I suppose the next step is looking for alternate full-time jobs that pay more than what I make now, but with no skills and a stupid theatre lighting degree I've got to be the least marketable person in the country. I'll never stop kicking myself for majoring in something so useless. Automatically I get tossed in the "no way in hell" pile because it looks like I have an "easy" degree. Never mind the 3 days straight I stayed awake drafting that final project for TD class by HAND. Never mind the blood and sweat of working on shows on top of doing classwork and tests. Nevermind working under the pressure of having someone PAY to be an audience member of something that was your homework. I fully acknowledge that I am the worst cover letter writer ever, and that selling myself like a used car will never be a forte of mine, both of which contribute to my complete inability to gain employment through applications and resumes. In fact, I've yet to get a job based on a resume, it's all been recommendation thus far. I have an unmatched work ethic, my "easy" degree taught me incredible problem solving and multitasking skills. I've worked under rigid 8pm curtain time deadlines and never missed a one! I know what working under pressure is and have never been flummoxed, yet I can't find employment anywhere.

I'm beginning to feel like a Barbara Ehrenreich experiment.

Comments Comments!

Due to popular demand I have switched my commenting to allow anyone (not just blogger users) to comment! This applies to the photo blog as well so leave your loves, hates and thoughts!

Anyone out there?

I dress like a librarian.....

I HATE shopping. Hate it. I need new clothes, but I can't find anything that fits and is figure flattering. I can NOT believe that those narrow leg jeans are back in fashion. They don't look good on even the skinniest of women. But of course that's what in style now and so that's what the stores have. I can't find ANY clothes that fit and shopping just makes me feel like a big cow. I love jCrew, but they've decided my size is a "special" size and they don't carry it in the stores which means you can't try it on and you have to pay shipping just to even SEE if something fits. None of the specialty stores my friends shop at carry larger sizes so whenever I go shopping with the girls at work I can't buy anything. It's so depressing. I've been sitting in front of my computer for the past hour looking at clothes only to have them not carry my size or deem me off their size charts. jCrew, the Gap, Victorias Secret and Kenneth Cole all deem my size to be not worthy of wearing their brand. I've even looked at stores that cater to larger clientele, such as Lane Bryant, but there I'm too SMALL! Are there NO people in this world that are a size 14? Am I in some bizarre twilight zone where all the clothes are either too small or too big?? It's bad enough that men won't give the time of day to any woman over a size 0, but even major clothing manufacturers don't acknowledge those of us who are bigger. Project Runway recently did a challenge they called "real women" which meant designing for their family members (some of whom were larger than the size 0-2 models they usually work with. The designers got to choose their subjects and the "plus size" women were of course chosen last. The designers clearly had no training in design for anyone with a non-model body and all came up with shapeless outfits with no attention to detail or design. I suppose I'm just ranting.....I should shut up, go work out and get tiny enough to gain the respect of men and body type worthy of wearing Kenneth Cole. It's just too bad I'm not considered human in the mean time.

It hurts!

I'm a reasonable person. I'm rational and practical and have a good head on my shoulders, but I have a confession to make. I'm am terrified of doctors/dentists, so I don't go....Ever. On the extreme rare occassions I have gone, I shake, my heart pounds and I feel nauseaous. My mother asked me a few months ago under what circumstances I WOULD voluntarily go to the doctor under and my answer was "I would have to be unconcious". It isn't smart, it isn't healthy, but I truly can NOT deal with the trauma of going to the doctor, so it's been years since I've seen either.

My wisdom teeth have been cutting in for over 10 years now. I've dealt with the pain in a variety of ways, downing IB profin every few hours, slathering on the Ambesol and even getting a baby teething ring to hold against my gums, but nothing is working any more. My general health policy is "everything eventually goes away" which has worked for me up until now, but I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with the constant throbbing pain in my gums. If this is what babies go through when they are teething I have absolute sympathy for them. No wonder they scream their heads off.

Maybe it will eventually go away.....

I went to the ZOO!

Finally the weather was nice (hurrah for the end of the rain!) here and I got out yesterday and went to the zoo with some people from work. I didn't really get any good photos though, I seem to be having a bit of a focus problem and some of my shots came out overexposed. I put some up on my photo site, but I'll be adjusting them tonight a bit and seeing if I can sharpen the up and play with the color a bit. I think it's been so long since I've seen sunlight that I wasn't aware of how bright it was outside, hence the overexposure. I REALLY need a better lens though..I'm feeling very limited by the one I have, but my computer is on it's last leg and that will have to be dealt with first. Bleah.

I was going to skip going home for Thanksgiving this year, but I found out that for the first year in a LONG while, everyone in my family is going home this year so if I don't go I'll be the only one not there. I'm not big on the whole Thanksgiving meal...I don't eat meat and my dad puts sausage on the stuffing, so basically I end up travelling 900 miles to eat green beans and a roll. My meal at Christmas is pretty much the same, except sometimes they put bacon in the greenbeans so then I'm there for the applesauce and roll. I get better food on the plane. LOL

A long week....

and it's not even over. Bleah.

My dad seems to be doing better since his surgery, but I can't shake the feeling that he isn't telling us the whole story, and I worry he's not recovering as well as he claims he is. It's so hard to see your parents get older. I knew it was coming I suppose, but I wasn't prepared. I'm the oldest, I'm supposed to be the strong one who can handle these things, but I'm not and I can't. It's stupid, but it's times like this when I miss having a man around the most...to be the solid one, the one to help me through the hard stuff. When my grandfather died suddenly I fell apart and wasn't coherent for days....my dad, an only child, was a rock. He helped with arrangements and took care of his mom. I know that I don't have it in me to be that strong when the time comes and I worry about what will happen.

Things at work have been stressful lately...I made a mistake at work earlier this week, when the owner of the company brought it to my attention, I swiftly rectified it by sending an email to my contact over there LadyA and had the situation under control. My lawyer boss found out about it and jumped into "fixer" mode and exhausted his contacts at the company I made the error at, who ultimately told him the solution was to send an email to LadyA. He then sent an email to the owner of the company (and 3 other big wigs) saying that I would send an email to LadyA and fix the situation. AFTER I HAD ALREADY SENT AN EMAIL TO LADYA like 3 HOURS BEFORE! Rargh..so now I look incompetant and like I couldn't fix a problem when things got tough. It's so frustrating....I feel like I have no credibility at that company, even though I put in the late hours and never take days off and do everything that is asked. Rargh.

Got Farenheit 9/11 to watch tonight. I probably shouldn't watch it with Aaron in Iraq......but nothing else the Library had caught my eye. I did renew the Clinton biography and get a travel book for DC while I was there, so the Library probably has me on watch for being some sort of liberal political activist. Oh well. I've been called worse.

I'm going to DC!

I've been wanting to go to DC to get some photos and I'm finally planning my trip! I mentioned to a coworker that I was hoping to get down there and she asked if she could tag along, two other girls from work are also coming and we're making a girls weekend of it. I'm really excited, it should be a great trip and I think it's just what I need to snap me out of my artistic slump I've been experiencing since London. Keep your fingers crossed I get some good photos out of the trip!!

9/11

There was a statistic in today's paper that said that 90% of the people polled still remember where they were when they heard about the September 11, 2001 attacks. I was living in Illinois and I was in bed. As an incurable insomniac, I had only been in bed a few hours and I recall thinking as I turned over angrily to answer the ringing phone "it's too bloody early for phone calls, someone better be dead". I'd take those words back in a heartbeat now if I could. Even now, 5 years later when I'm awoken by the phone, my heart races and my mouth goes dry. The worst case scenario flashes through my mind.

It was my friend Caryn on the phone, telling me to turn the TV on. As she started to explain what was happening, terrorism was the furthest thing from my mind. I thought it was a fluke plane malfunction or case of pilot disorientation. Then the second plane hit, and I had to face that this was no accident. A third plane hit the Pentagon and you started to wonder what was next. I was working as an event planner for a major university at the time, and eventually I was called into work to start putting together an impromptu memorial service. With my family in New York and not everyone accounted for yet, I asked to be excused from having to attend and oversee the event. I wasn't ready to memorialize anything yet. I needed to focus on the living. I remember rushing home to watch CNN as soon as I could. Over the coming days and months and now years I've watched the same images over and over again. I've never gotten used to them or become immune to them, and I hope I never do.

I visited NY from Illinois in March of 2002, 6 months after the attack. Flying was still difficult then, but I felt it was important I come out here. CDC was with me on that trip and I remember him dragging me to a computer store in lower Manhattan. We were on the 4th or 5th floor of the store and I remember walking past the window that overlooked the site. The view of the debris and massive hole in a city of wall to wall structures was very jarring and it's an image that sticks with me still. Before I returned to Illinois from that trip, I bought a 9/11 photography book. My favorite photographer James Nachtwey has some of the most striking shots from that day and even though I knew it was a book I would rarely look at because of the emotions it evoked, I thought it was important to own. When I was packing the book wouldn't fit in my suitcase, so I stuffed it in the pocket of my carryon. Back then they were screening your bags at the gate again before you boarded the plane. The TSA woman who went through my bag pulled the book out and started flipping through the pages. I stood there waiting to board the plane as she soaked up the images, just as I had done in the bookstore. With a sad sigh, she turned the last page, returned my book to my bag and I got on the plane.

I live in New York City now. The sound and sight of low flying planes still makes everyone stop and look up, just for a second. I think in this city it always will. We've seen the worst case scenario and we know it could happen again.

Crazy Thursday

Boss is back at work....the day started off absolutely insane, but got quieter as the day went on. My brain has been on sensory overload all day and I'm looking forward to getting home and being in a no-music, phone off, no email beeping in environment for awhile. Thank goodness Friday is near. I had plans to go to the DADA exhibit at MOMA this weekend but my friend I was going with blew me off so I doubt I'll go. A friend of a friend is having a jazz concert on Sunday I may go to....I need to learn to resist the urge to spend entire weekends at home in bed....getting out at least once in 48 hours is good for the soul.

I miss having a creative job. I had to work on a project with the art department this morning and watching my coworker work in photoshop and illustrator had me wistful for the days of having a job that made me "think". Once again the ugly notion of returning to school started to seep into my brain, but I wouldn't know what to major in, I can't afford it and a million other practical reasons flooded my momentary wistful thought. An evening or weekend continuing ed class may be more attainable, but it seems a waste of money if I'll never use the skills.....I should at least take Photoshop though, but first I need a new computer. A helpful hint, don't drop your laptop onto your hardwood floors....they don't bounce well.

I got another wedding annoucement from a guy I new in college today.....just furthering my belief that my quest for marriage and a family is unattainable. I wish I wasn't so sensitive to seeing people in love, or couples on the street. It's something that has gotten worse the older I get. I feel like an awful person, seeing other people be happy shouldn't make me sad, but it does. I saw two people in Grand Central the other morning making out like teenagers (and believe me they were NOT teenagers) and I tried to remember the last time I was even kissed....needless to say it's been a LONG while. I just can't shake the "it's never gonna happen" feeling and it's hard not to let it get me down.

It doesn't help things that I've been going through an artistic slump lately...post-London I haven't been able to get a good shot of ANYTHING and it's upsetting me more than I like to admit. Taking photos is the only thing I feel I've ever been even a little bit good at and if I lose that I'm not sure where that leaves me....

Hmm maybe I just have the post-summer blues.....anyone know a good cure?

Lost it....

Tried taking photos the past few days, but just couldn't get anything good. Looking at my regular sites for inspiration just makes me feel wildly inadequate. I've lost my groove and want it back!

Happy pre-Labor Day. I spent yesterday during the remnants of some hurricane outside at the Yankeees game. I'm a Mets fan, but had always wanted to see Yankee stadium, so when a friend asked me to go, I jumped at the chance. Yankees lost after calling the game in the 8th inning due to the weather. Today I've lazed around and avoided doing laundry. Hopefully the laundry place will be open tomorrow or else it's gonna be a dire clothing situation. Day 3 and no word from Hot bar boy. Ah well. It was a longshot I suppose.

Did some more work on my photo site today. I added some more photos from London and a link to my post on inspiration. I changed the date of this inspiration post so it's in the archives, but wanted a link on the main page. I'm thinking I may need to move off blogger and get a new site, but I have no idea how to do all that, so I'll have to do some reading. Looks like it's time for me to brush up on my HTML.......Anyone got any good book recommendations for learning website stuff?

The Morning After......

The MTV VMA party.....mad hangover but the party was fun. I met a HOT guy at the bar . We spent like 3 hours chatting and he gave me the sweetest goodnight kiss on the cheek and asked for my email address, so we shall see if I hear from him. It was a bar meeting so the odds of a call back are pretty slim, but I have to admit I hold out hope. He was pretty cool. I totally missed most of the show though....I'll have to catch the replay. It was for a good cause though. Hot men are always a good excuse to blow off work.

While the boss is away....

the Kai will....clean her keyboard? Day 2 of my boss' vacation. It's always a nice break when he goes away and things slow down, but around the second or third day I start to get a little stir crazy. Last time I pried ALL the keys off my keyboard and got the crumbs out and even did an alcohol wipe down to really get it clean. One of hte downfalls of eating pop tarts at your desk every morning are the crumbs. It's totally worth it though...nothing better than pop tarts and coffee in the morning to start your day. It's the breakfast of champions!

My friend at work who I chat with daily about photography is leaving the company and tomorrow is his last day. He inspires me to keep at it and always gives me good feedback. Hopefully we'll keep in touch, but it's not the same as being able to walk downstairs and chat and share photos. :-( Photo friend will be missed.

Now that I've crossed London off my travel list I've been thinking about where I want my next international trip to be....I've narrowed it down to either Paris or Thailand. I think I could get amazing photos in either place, but I'm leaning towards trying for Thailand first.....Any of my blog readers been there?

Body on the Tracks....AGAIN

As I swipe my card through the subway turnstile this morning, my cell phone starts ringing. Now when a cell phone starts ringing at 8:30am it is NEVER good news. As I scramble to answer it I notice the platform is STUFFED with people. It's my friend Republican M who lives on the 7 train, a few more stops farther out. Someone has fallen onto the tracks and they are trying to get the body off. Still awaiting the news if it was dead or alive.....I'd say "only in NY" but apparently it's not true. It happens in Oxford too. While Grace and I were coming back from our day trip to Oxford earlier this month, we were stuck on the train for nearly an hour, according to a conductor annoucement the delay was due to "a dead body being found on the tracks". Twice in a month? Is there some body on the tracks curse hanging over my head? Word to the wise, don't ride mass transit with me.

It's Starting....

it's official....my coworkers are starting to take pity on me and set me up with their single friends.....I think I've hit a new low.

A perfect rainy Sunday

I got up......spent the morning laying in bed with my coffee listening to the rain and reading the Clinton biography....then put on Empire Falls (GREAT movie) and lazed the rest of the afternoon away.....the epitome of a perfect day!

Yet AGAIN I was awoken by the construction crew working on the building across the street. They were unloading (a/k/a dropping off a truck onto the street with a loud BANG) steel beams at 6:45AM on a freaking SATURDAY MORNING. I was IRRATE! I've tried researching building codes and restrictions, but so far I haven't found anything. It can NOT be legal to start that early. So much for my weekend of relaxing in bed. I HAD to get out of the house, the noise was driving me crazy....I ran some errands went to the grocery store and the bank, came back and cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom and all before NOON! On a Saturday! Keep your fingers crossed they don't work Sundays.